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SALMAGUNDI; 



WHIM-WHAMS AND OPINIONS OF LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
AND OTHERS. 

BY 

WILLIAM IRVING, JAMES KIRKE PAULDING 

AXD 

WASHINGTON IRVING. 



In hoc est hoax, cum quiz et jokesez, 
Et smokem, toastem, roastem folksez, 

Fee, faw, fum. Paahnanazar. 

With baked and boiled, and stewed and toasted ; 
And fried and broiled, and smoked and roasted, 
We treat the town. 



PRINTED FROM THE ORIGINAL EDITION, WITH A PREFACE AND NOTES 
BY EVERT A. DUYCKINCK. 



NEW YORK : 

G. P. PUTNAM, 115 NASSAU STREET, 

1860. 



^ I 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by 

THE EXECUTORS OF 

J. K. PAULDING and WASHINGTON IRVING, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of 
New York. 



W. H, Tinson, Stereotyper. R. Craighead, Printer. 



CONTENTS. 



NO. PAGE 

I.— SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807, 13 

Publisher's Notice. Shakspeake Gallery, New York, .... 15 

From the Elbow-Chair of Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., .... 16 
Theatrics — Containing the Quintessence of Modern Criticism. By 

William Wizard, Esq., ..24 

New York Assembly. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., .... 27 

II. — WEDNESDAY, FEB. 4, 1S0T. From the Elbow-Chair of Launcelot 

Langstaff, Esquire, 32 

Mr. Wilson's Concert. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., ... 35 

Cockloft Family, 41 

To Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., 44 

Advertisement, 47 

ni.— FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807. From my Elbow-Chair, ... 50 
Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, Captain of a Ketch, 
to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to His Highness the 

Bashaw of Tripoli, 53 

Fashions. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., 58 

Incog, 61 

Proclamation from the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., ... 64 

Dr. Christopher Costive, 67 

IV.— TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1807. From my Elbow-Chair, ... 71 
Memorandums for a Tour to be Entitled "The Stranger in New 
Jersey ; or, Cockney Travelling." By Jeremy Cockloft, the 

Younger, .74 

From my Elbow-Chair, 82 

Flummery. From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. ; being a Poem 
with Notes, or rather Notes with a Poem ; in the Manner of 

Doctor Christopher Costivs, S4 



IV 



CONTENTS. 



NO. PAGE 

V.— SATURDAY, MARCH T, 1807. From my Elbow-Chair, .... 96 
Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, to Abdallah Eb'n Al 
Rahab, Surnamed The Snorer, Military Sentinel at the Gate of 

His Highness' Palace, 96 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., 106 

To the Ladies. From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., . . . 112 

VI.— FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 180T. From my Elbow-Chair, . . . .116 

Theatrics. By William Wizard, Esq., 127 

VII.— SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli 
Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driyer to His Highness 

the Bashaw of Tripoli, 135 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. Notes by William Wizard, Esq., 144 

Vin.— SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1807. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., . - .151 

On Style. By William Wizard, Esq., 159 

To Correspondents, 166 

IX.— SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807. From my Elbow-Chair, . . . .170 

From my Elbow-Chair, 176 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, Captain of a Ketch, 
to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to His Highness the 

Bashaw of Tripoli, 178 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., 1S6 

X.— SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1S07. From my Elbow-Chair, . . . . 193 

To Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., . . . 195 

The Stranger in Pennsylvania. By Jeremy Cockloft, the Younger, 201 

XL— TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 1807. Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Bub Keli 
Khan, Captain of a Ketch, to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave- 

Drlser to His Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli, .... 210 

From my Elbow-Chair. Mine Uncle John, 220 

XH.— SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1S07. From my Elbow-Chair, . . . .228 
The Stranger at Home; or, A Tour in Broadway. By Jeremy Cock- 
loft, the Younger, 237 

From my Elbow-Chair, 245 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., 246 

Xm.— FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. From my Elbow Chair, . . . .251 

Plans for Defending our Harbor. By William Wizard, Esq., . . 255 

From my Elbow-Chair. A Retrospect ; or, "What You Will," . . 264 

To Readers and Correspondents, 274 

XIV.— SATURDAY, SEPT. 16, 1807. Letter from Mustapha Ru»a-Dub Keli 
Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to His Highness 

the Bashaw of Tripoli, 276 

y^~ Cockloft Hall. By Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., 2S6 

Theatrical Intelligence. By William Wizard, Esq., .... 297 



CONTENTS. V 

NO. PAGE 

XV.— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1S07. Sketches from Nature. By Anthony 

Evergreen, Gent., 301 

On Greatness. By Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., 307 

XVI.— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1807. Style at Ballston. By William 

Wizard, Esq., 317 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, to Asem Hacchem, 

Principal Slave-Driver to His Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli, . 324 

XVII.— WEDNESDAY, NOV. 11, 1807. Autumnal Reflections. By Launcelot 

Langstaff, Esq., 334 

By Launcelqt Langstaff, Esq., . 339 

Chap. CIX. — Of the Chronicles of the Renowned and Ancient City of 

Gotham, 344 

XVIII.— TUESDAY, NOV. 24, 1807. The Little Man in Black. By Launcelot 

Langstaff, Esq., 352 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Prin- 
cipal Slave-Driver to His Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli, . . 361 

XIX.— THURSDAY, DEC. 31, 1S07. From my Elbow-Chair, . . . .368 
Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, to Muley Helim Al 
Raggi, Surnamed The Agreeable Ragamuffin, Chief Mountebank 

and Buffa-Dancer to His Highness, 369 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., 379 

Tea : A Poem, 385 

XX.— MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 180S. From my Elbow-Chair, . . .391 

To the Ladies. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent., 399 

Farewell, 406 



EDITOK'S PKEFACE. 



The present reprint of the following papers has grown out of 
the repeated demand, of late years, for an edition of Salmagundi, 
worthy to accompany the collected volumes of the writings of one 
of its distinguished authors. The book would probably have been 
included by Mr. Irving in the revised edition of his works, had it 
been wholly his own. It was published some time ago, in the series 
of the writings of his friend and relative, the joint author of the 
essays, Mr. Paulding, and though it had been long out of print in 
that form, Mr. Irving did not seem disposed to break the association. 
He was accustomed, indeed, to speak of it as a light, trivial publi- 
cation, the sport of his boyish days ; and he certainly showed no 
eagerness in reviving it ; but we cannot suppose him insensible to 
the many excellences which the work undoubtedly possesses — 
charms of manner and of thought springing from the fresh, joyous 
period of youth, and lending their grace to the brightest pages of 
his matured labors. Salmagundi is the literary parent, not only of 
the Sketch Book and the Alhambra, but of all the intermediate and 
subsequent productions of Irving, even of some slight ornaments of 
the graver offspring of the Columbus and Washington. There is, 
for instance, in one of the later numbers, a chapter of " The Chron- 
icles of the Renowned and Ancient City of Gotham," which 
anticipates the humor of Knickerbocker ; there are traits of ten- 
derness and pathos suggestive of the plaintive sentiment of the 



Vlll 



Sketch Book ; and the kindly humors of the Cockloft mansion are 
an American Bracebridge Hall. 

The book, in fact, is every way in place in company with the series 
of Mr. Irving's writings. It was not all of his composition, to be 
sure, nor did it receive that care of revision at his hands, bestowed 
upon his other compositions in his latest editions ; but, without 
separating his part from the rest, and making every allowance for 
inexperience of style, we may readily enough detect throughout its 
pages the genius of Washington Irving. 

Leaving the particular elucidation of the special authorship of 
the various articles to his literary executor and biographer, if he 
shall think proper in his forthcoming work to make such an 
investigation and disclosure, we may here generally state, for the 
information of the reader, that " Salmagundi " was the joint pro- 
duction of William Irving, James Kirke Paulding, and Washington 
Irving. It is well known that the humorous and sentimental poetry 
of the work was wholly written by William Irving, who was at the 
time a merchant of New York, and some seventeen years older than 
his brother Washington. The genial and inventive faculties of 
William Irving were of a high order. Besides the poetry of Sal- 
magundi the work is indebted to him for occasional hints and 
sketches worked up by his brother, among which may be mentioned 
the amusing picture of the civic militia exercises in the letter of 
Mustapha, in the fifth number, and the equally humorous sketch, of 
more serious import, of the political " slang- whangers " in the 
fourteenth. 

William Irving married the sister of James Kirke Paulding, who 
came from his home in Westchester County, to New York, for the 
first time, on a visit to his new relative. He found the house of 
his brother-in-law in the city, the genial resort of a knot of wits 
and humorists who graced the Calliopean Society, a literary insti- 
tution of those days. An intimacy with Washington Irving sprang 
up, of which in due time came the joint authorship of Salmagundi, 
which was thus a species of family party. A considerable portion of 



EDITOR S PREFACE. IX 

the book was written by Paulding. We may, perhaps, trace his pen 
in the oriental papers, a form of writing for which he retained a 
liking, and which he practised with great spirit and elegance to the 
last. Many of the exquisite passages of description of nature were 
undoubtedly written by him. "Mine Uncle John," a mellow, fine- 
toned portrait, was his work, and he had a hand in " Autumnal Re- 
flections," one of the most refined sentimental papers of the volume. 
It is, perhaps, a common misapprehension ot this eminent writer, 
that his pen was wanting in geniality, and that he took rather a 
splenetic view of life. This notion has probably arisen from the 
admission of a controversial element into his productions where, 
perhaps, it might have been better shut out ; but certainly, with this 
exception, no American writer has spread upon his page more 
feeling observation, more friendly truths, more genial sympathies. 
His favorite method of the Apologue affords a kindly proof of this, 
which is not to be mistaken by those skilled in literary physiog- 
nomy. 

Some ten years or more after the conclusion of Salmagundi, 
Paulding ventured alone upon a second series. Washington Irving 
was in Europe, and the muse of Pindar Cockloft was silent. It 
was a dangerous undertaking, for the very essence of a Salmagundi 
is the combination of divers ingredients — a product of many minds. 
The new work proved a little too uniform and didactic in parts. 
Geoffrey Crayon could have pruned and heightened it here and there. 
Yet it contains many delightful pages. There is, among other 
things, a charming account of a further visit to the old Cockloft 
Hall, inviting as the old. One passage in it — the death of old 
Caesar — has a genuine touch of pathos. The cherry-tree had fallen 
which he had assisted his master to plant sixty years before, 
and the poor negro " seemed smitten with the same blast that 
levelled it. It was curious," concludes the little narrative, '" to 
see how the errors of his early impressions — for he was sixteen 
years old when brought from Africa — had mixed up with 
the simple ideas implanted subsequently, respecting the Christ- 

1* 



ian religion. His kind mistresses ministered to the wants of his 
soul, as well as the Infirmities of his body, and endeavored to make 
him comprehend the mysteries of our faith. But they were beyond 
his reach. He feared, he said, ' the Lord would not know him ' — 
meaning that lowly as he was, it might escape the Divinity that 
such a being had ever existed. His decay was gradual, but the 
state of his mind was singularly compounded of the mistakes of 
ignorance and the ramblings of light-headedness as it is called. 
The day before he died I was in to see him. 'Massa Launcelot,' 
said he, 'think old negro like me ever go to heaven?' 'I warrant 
you, old Caesar,' replied I. He seemed comforted with the assur- 
ance, but still a doubt hung on his mind — ' What will old negro like 
me do there ?' — Then his eye seemed glad for a moment, and his 
last words were — ' Never mind — I can wait upon the angels.' " 

While we write, the remains of this author, at the venerable age 
of eighty-two, are being borne to the tomb. It is due to his 
memory, and to his generous participation in the literature of the 
day, to express the opinion that when the productions of Paulding, 
now for some time hidden from the world, shall be revived, the 
public will again find in them a freshness and interest, a spirit and 
humor, unabated since their first appearance. To the inhabitants 
of New York in particular, they will present strong claims to atten- 
tion, for the author, though he turned his back upon the city, was 
a genuine son of Manhattan. 

Of the third writer, Washington Irving, it is not necessary here 
to speak, nor have we occasion, as we have said, further to point 
out his share in the work. The many graces and excellences of his 
style are too well known for the reader to need a guide to find them 
out. He will meet everywhere in these pages the first sprightly 
efforts of invention, the playful humor, the sportive fancy, the 
tender sentiment which constituted in youth as in age — Washington 
Irving. 

A word should be said of the publisher of the work, David Long- 
worth, a gentleman as much given to whim-whams as any of the 



XI 

race so pleasantly satirized in the little yellow-covered numbers 
which he sent forth fortnightly to the public. He was the 
theatrical publisher of the day in the neighborhood of the 
old Park Theatre, then a new building, holding his place of busi- 
ness on the spot now sacred to the good cheer of Windust. 
Here he displayed, on the outer wall, a huge painting of the crown- 
ing of Shakspeare ; while within, a distinction for those times in 
the infant state of the arts, his shop boasted as its attraction a series 
of the prints of Alderman Boydell's recently published Shakspeare 
Gallery. He had been a printer, and had ingrafted on his occu- 
pation a taste for elegance in typography, engraving and binding. 
His beautiful " Telemachus " and other publications, would, in our 
day, be simply accounted neat ; but in his time they made a sensa- 
tion very much as luxuries of furniture and living, now enjoyed by 
everybody, were then considered somewhat aristocratic, and reserved 
only for undoubted affluence. But Longworth had a special whim 
for elegance. He called his shop, by a fine effort of the imagination, 
" The Sentimental Epicure's Ordinary ;" and as a proof of his judg- 
ment, trifled with the English language. In the original edition of 
some of his books, proper names are spelt with small initial letters. 
Oddly enough, the man who was so grandiloquent himself would 
not allow New York its appropriate capitals. It must be written 
new-york, and portly Philadelphia must dwindle in lower-case. 
The wags of Salmagundi, while they were laughing at the town, 
must sometimes have been tempted to place a full length of their 
humorist publisher on his pages. 

Salmagundi was quite a success on its first appearance. It did 
not make a fortune for its authors. That was hardly to be expected 
of so modest a little pamphlet; but it created its impression. 
Slight as it was in form, and apparently written off so carelessly, it 
was really the most formidable incursion which had yet been made 
in America into the realm of taste in this species of literature. 
Franklin had written a half dozen agreeable essays for a news- 
paper, and addressed a few complimentary apologues to the French 



Xll 



ladies. Francis Hopkinson was really an ebgant author, who, 
like Belknap in the Foresters, had turned the graces of his pen to 
the decoration of politics ; Dennie wrote some ingenious lay ser- 
mons, and was steeped in rhetorical refinements : but none of these 
were read by the fair. We do not, indeed, recall a single book 
written in America worthy of Belinda's toilet-table before Salman 
gundi. 

As for the success out of doors, it must have been a cheerful 
thing to witness. Dr. Francis, the genial reminiscent, tells us : 

"Ere half a dozen numbers of Salmagundi were issued, quite a 
commotion arose among the literati and the public concerning the 
work and its authors. The humble drudges about town, who had 
lived obscurely, yet fancied themselves members of the literary 
world by their revision of Dilworth ; and the editors of catechisms 
with explanatory notes were astounded at that greater eclat which 
elegant letters secured, and which was denied to their uninventive 
products ; while fashionable coteries everywhere were prodigal of 
conjectures from what mine the gold dust was brought to light for 
the commonwealth of letters. Salmagundi was found at almost 
every tea-table. The sale announced the fact that literary property 
was both vendible and profitable." 

The " characters " sketched in these pleasant papers were doubt- 
less drawn more or less from the life, and included most of the 
notabilities of the town, with occasionally a glance beyond it. 
There are said to be some touches of Dennie, the essayist and critic 
of Philadelphia, in Launcelot Langstaff. A whole bevy of beaux 
and belles saw themselves reflected in the Ding Dongs and Sophy 
Sparkles. The base metal of Brummagem adventurers and spend- 
thrifts was nailed to the counter by the satire of Straddles ; the- 
atrical critics were silenced by a glance at themselves in the mirror 
of 'Sbidlikens ; fashionable upstarts shrank from the portraits of the 
Giblets ; the small beer of the politician soured at the thundering 
satire of Dabble ; the feathers of the carpet soldiers wilted when 
they were paraded in the regiment of the Fag-rags. Salmagundi 



Xlll 



was the mild terror of the town when society was not too over- 
grown an instrument to be played npon by a cunning musician. 

New York was a queer place then, as our own New York may 
be, doubtless, to our descendants fifty years hence, if they have a 
pair of Salmagundi spectacles to see it with. There were all sorts 
of humors afloat, small and great, from fashionable nothings, with 
their idle brains, to the heads of great projectors teeming with na- 
tional wonders. We see something of all in the book. There is 
that North Eiver Society which figures on so many pages. Were 
the wits conscious how much of the future these humorous projec- 
tors, the Stevenses, the Livingstons and Fultons, held in as yet 
uncrystallized solution in their vagaries? Mr. Ichabod Fungus 
laughs at that ''aquatic mole or water rat," the "Torpedo," with 
which the great inventor entertained the town at the Battery, but 
we hear nothing of his waggery when the Clermont ascends the 
Hudson. It was the heyday, too, of the Jeffersonian era, and the 
reader may get a very good idea of the feelings entertained toward 
the sage of Monticello, in respect to his " economical " administra- 
tion of embargos and gunboats. 

How distant it all seems — far removed as the days of the " Spec- 
tator " itself, the parent of this fluttering progeny of humors and 
anticipations of the gentle essayists. There is nothing of New 
York of the present time in its pages — of our bustling, driving 
busy era. The town seems then to have had an hour or two for a 
little tea-table chat. The demon of ceaseless work had not then 
taken such full possession of the world. There was something to 
laugh over, and sorrow had leisure for a tear. There were actors 
then ; people went to the theatre, and talked over the performance 
when they came away. "Where is the great George Frederick now, 
and the gentle accents of Cooper ? The poor wizened Frenchmen, 
exiles of Europe and Saint Domingo, whose quaint habits so per- 
plexed My Aunt Charity, where are they ? Vanished from earth, 
but not before their fadeless images were stamped within the leaves 
of this book. 



XIV 



Well, all have gone, writers and actors. The garments of the 
beaux would startle us like ghosts if we were to look into the old 
wardrobes ; the beauty of the belles has withered into ashes ; good 
and evil undreamt of have come out of the inventors and politicians ; 
a new generation swarms with a new set of follies, and we write the 
eulogies and epitaphs of the departed humorists. So runs the world 
away, will be the reflection of the reader as he lays down these 
sprightly pages, redolent of youth and vivacity, of the spring-time 
of life, when satire itself has no bitterness, though it may affect 
scornful words and frowning emphasis, when hope spreads its 
gayest hues of promise, and melancholy itself has its tinct of elo- 
quence and pleasure. 



The text of this edition is that of the original work as it was first 
published by Longworth. In the subsequent reprints, several papers 
of interest were dropped, which are now restored. A few verbal 
corrections have been made, following the Paris edition of Irving's 
works of 1834, which had more or less of the author's supervision. 
The notes to that copy, so far as they extended, have been retained, 
and will be found to be appropriately credited. 

The interesting sketch of the Summer-house of Cockloft Hall, 
which appears as the frontispiece, is a contribution to the volume 
from Mr. W. A. Whitehead, of Newark. 

New York, April T, 1860. 




NO. I.— SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807. 



AS everybody knows, or ought to know, what a Salmagund 
is, we shall spare ourselves the trouble of an explana- 
tion ; besides, we despise trouble as we do everything low and 
mean, and hold the man who would incur it unnecessarily as an 
object worthy our highest pity and contempt. Neither will we 
puzzle our heads to give an account of ourselves, for two 
reasons ; first, because it is nobody's business ; secondly, because 
if it were, we do not hold ourselves bound to attend to any- 
body's business but our own ; and even that we take the liberty 
of neglecting when it suits our inclination. To these we might 
add a third, that very few men can give a tolerable account of 
themselves, let them try ever so hard ; but this reason, we can. 
didly avow, would not hold good with ourselves. ■ 

There are, however, two or three pieces of information which 
we bestow gratis on the public, chiefly because it suits our own 
pleasure and convenience that they should be known, and partly 
because we do not wish that there should be any ill will between 
us at the commencement of our acquaintance. 

Our intention is simply to instruct the young, reform the old, 



14 SALMAGUNDI. 

correct the town, and castigate the age ; this is an arduous 
task, and therefore we undertake it with confidence. We intend 
for this purpose to present a striking picture of the town ; and 
as everybody is anxious to see his own phiz on canvas, however 
stupid or ugly it may be, we have no doubt but the whole town 
will flock to our exhibition. Our picture will necessarily include 
a vast variety of figures ; and should any gentleman or lady be 
displeased with the inveterate truth of their likenesses, they may 
ease their spleen by laughing at those of their neighbors — this 
being what we understand by poetical justice. 

Like all true and able editors, we consider ourselves infallible ; 
and therefore, with the customary diffidence of our brethren of 
the quill, we shall take the liberty of interfering in all matters 
either of a public or private nature. We are critics, amateurs, 
dilettanti and cognoscenti; and as we know " by the pricking of 
our thumbs," that every opinion which we may advance in either 
of those characters will be correct, we are determined, though it 
may be questioned, contradicted, or even controverted, yet it 
shall never be revoked. 

We beg the public particularly to understand that we solicit 
no patronage. We are determined, on the contrary, that the 
patronage shall be entirely on our side. We have nothing to do 
with the pecuniary concerns of the paper ; its success will yield 
us neither pride nor profit — nor will its failure occasion to us 
either loss or mortification. We advise the public, therefore, to 
purchase our numbers merely for their own sakes ; if they do 
not, let them settle the affair with their consciences and pos- 
terity. 

To conclude, t we invite all editors of newspapers and literary 
journals to praise us heartily in advance, as we assure them that 
we intend to deserve their praises. To our next-door neighbor, 



15 

" Town,"* we hold out a hand of amity, declaring to him that, 
after ours, his paper will stand the best chance for immortality. 
We proffer an exchange of civilities : he shall furnish us with 
notices of epic poems and tobacco ; and we, in return, will enrich 
him with original speculations on all manner of subjects, together 
with " the rummaging of my grandfather's mahogany chest of 
drawers/' " the life and amours of mine Uncle John," " anec- 
dotes of the Cockloft family," and learned quotations from that 
unheard of writer of folios, Linkum Fidelius, 



PUBLISHER'S NOTICE. 

SHAKSPEAEE GALLERY, NEW YORK f 

THIS work will be published and sold by D. Longworth. 
It will be printed on hot-pressed vellum paper, as that is 
held in highest estimation for buckling up young ladies' hair — a 

* The title of a newspaper published in New York, the columns of 
which, among other miscellaneous topics, occasionally contained stric- 
tures on the performances at the theatres. — Paris Ed. 

\ David Longworth, an eccentric book-seller, who had filled a large 
apartment with the valuable engravings of " Boydell's Shakspeare Gal- 
lery," magnificently framed, and had nearly obscured the front of his 
house with a huge sign — a colossal painting in chiaroscuro, of the crown- 
ing of Shakspeare. Longworth had an extraordinary propensity to pub- 
lish elegant works to the great gratification of persons of taste, and the 
no small diminution of his own slender fortune. He alludes ironically to 
this circumstance in the present notice. — Paris Ed. Longworth's store 
was in Park Row, near the Park Theatre. He was the dramatic publisher 
of New York in his day, and long issued the City Directory. 



16 SALMAGUNDI. 

purpose to which similar works are usually appropriated ; it will 
be a small, neat, duodecimo size, so that when enough numbers 
are written, it may form a volume sufficiently portable to be 
carried in old ladies' pockets and young ladies work-bags. 

As the above work will not come out at stated periods, notice 
will be given when another number will be published. The price 
will depend on the size of the number, and must be paid on 
delivery. The publisher professes the same sublime contempt 
for money as his authors. The liberal patronage bestowed by 
his discerning fellow-citizens on various works of taste which he 
has published, has left him no inclination to ask for further 
favors at their hands, and he publishes this work in the mere 
hope of requiting their bounty.* 



FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNOELOT -^ 
LAFGSTAFF, ESQ. 

WE were a considerable time in deciding whether we should 
be at the pains of introducing oursebres to the public. 
As we care for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, we do 
not feel bound to hold up our hands and answer to our names. 

Willing, however, to gain at once that frank, confidential foot- 
ing, which we are certain of ultimately possessing in this, doubt- 
less, " best of all possible cities;" and anxious to spare its worthy 

* It was not originally the intention of the authors to insert the above 
address in the work ; but, unwilling that a morceau so precious should be 
lost to posterity, they have been induced to alter their minds. This will 
account for any repetition of idea that may appear in the introductory 
-Note to original Ed. 



ADVICE TO THE PUBLIC. 17 

inhabitants the trouble of making a thousand wise conjectures, 
not one of which would be worth a tobacco-stopper, we have 
thought it in some degree a necessary exertion of charitable con- 
descension to furnish them with a slight clue to the truth. 

Before we proceed further, however, we advise everybody, man, 
wcman, and child, that can read, or get any friend to read for 
them, to purchase this paper — not that we write for money, 
for, in common with all philosophical wiseacres, from Solomon 
downward, we hold it in supreme contempt. The public are wel- 
come to buy this work, or not, just as they choose. If it be 
purchased freely, so much the better for the public — and the 
publisher — we gain not a stiver. If it be not purchased we 
give fair warning — we shall burn all our essays, critiques, and 
epigrams, in one promiscuous blaze ; and, like the books of the 
sibyls and the Alexandrian library, they will be lost forever to 
posterity. For the sake, therefore, of our publisher, for the 
sake of the public, and for the sake of the public's children to 
the nineteenth generation, we advise them to purchase our paper. 
We beg the respectable old matrons of this city not to be 
alarmed at the appearance we make; we are none of those out- 
landish geniuses who swarm in ]Sew York, who live by their wits, 
or rather by the little wit of their neighbors, and who spoil the 
genuine honest American tastes of their daughters with French 
slops and fricasseed sentiment. 

We have said we do not write for money — neither do we 
write for fame; we know too well the variable nature of public 
opinion, to build our hopes upon it — we care not what the public 
think of us, and we suspect, before we reach the tenth number, 
they will not know what to think of us. In two words, we 
write for no other earthly purpose but to please ourselves — and 
this we shall be sure of doing, for we are all three of us deter- 



18 SALMAGUNDI. 

mined beforehand to be pleased with what we write. If, in the 
course of this work, we edify, and instruct, and amuse the pub- 
lic, so much the better for the public; but we frankly acknow- 
ledge that so soon as we get tired of reading our own works, we 
shall discontinue them without the least remorse, whatever the 
public may think of it. While we continue to go on, we will go 
on merrily: if we moralize, it shall be but seldom; and, on all 
occasions, we shall be more solicitous to make our readers laugh 
than cry; for we are laughing philosophers, and clearly of opinion 
that wisdom, true wisdom, is a plump, jolly dame, who sits in her 
arm-chair, laughs right merrily at the farce of life — and takes 
the world as it goes. 

We intend particularly to notice the conduct of the fashionable 
world; nor in this shall we be governed by that carping spirit 
with which narrow-minded book-worm cynics squint at the little 
extravagances of the ton ; but with that liberal toleration which 
actuates every man of fashion. While we keep more than a 
Cerberus watch over the guardian rules of female delicacy and 
decorum, we shall not discourage any little sprightliness of 
demeanor, or innocent vivacity of character. Before we advance 
one line further, we must let it be understood, as our firm opinion, 
void of all prejudice or partiality, that the ladies of New York 
are the fairest, the finest, the most accomplished, the most bewitch- 
ing, the most ineffable beings that walk, creep, crawl, swim, fly, 
float, or vegetate in any or all of the four elements; and that 
they only want to be cured of certain whims, eccentricities, and 
unseemly conceits, by our superintending cares, to render them 
absolutely perfect. They will, therefore, receive a large portion 
of those attentions directed to the fashionable world; nor will 
the gentlemen who doze away their time in the circles of the 
haut-ton, escape our currying. We mean those stupid fellows 



ANTHONY EVERGREEN. 19 

who sit stock-still upon their chairs, without saying a word, and 

then complain how stupid it was at Mrs. party. 

This department will be under the peculiar direction and con- 
trol of Anthony Evergreen, gent., to whom all communications 
on this subject are to be addressed. This gentleman, from his 
long experience in the routine of balls, tea-parties, and assemblies, 
is eminently qualified for the task he has undertaken. He is a 
kind of patriarch in the fashionable world ; and has seen genera- 
tion after generation pass away into the silent tomb of matrimony 
while he remains unchangeably the same. He can recount the 
amours and courtships of the fathers, mothers, uncles and aunts, 
and even the grandames, of all the belles of the present day — ■ 
provided their pedigrees extend so far back without being lost 
in obscurity. As, however, treating of pedigrees is rather an 
ungrateful task in this city, and as we mean to be perfectly good- 
natured, he has promised to be cautious in this particular. He 
recollects perfectly the time when young ladies used to go sleigh- 
riding, at night, without their mammas or grandmammas ; in 
short without being matronized at all : and can relate a thousand 
pleasant stories about Kissing-bridge.* He likewise remembers 

* Amongst the amusements of the citizens in times gone by, was that 
of making excursions in the winter evenings, on sleighs, to some neigh- 
boring village, where the social party had a ball and supper. Kissing- 
bridge had its name from the circumstance that here the beaux exacted 
from their fair companions the forfeiture of a kiss before permitting their 
travelling vehicles to pass over. — Paris Ed. 

The Rev. Andrew Burnaby, vicar of Greenwich, in his " Travels through 
the Middle Settlements in North America, in the years 1*759 and 1760," 
has this mention of the spot fixing the locality near Fiftieth street, near 
the site of old Cato's. "The amusements of the New Yorkers," says 
Burnaby, "are balls and sleighing expeditions in the winter; in the sum- 
mer, going in parties upon the water and fishing, or making excursions into 



20 SALMAGUNDI. 

the time when ladies paid tea-visits, at three in the afternoon, 
and returned before dark to see that the house was shut up and 
the servants on duty. He has often played cricket in the orchard 
in the rear of old Yauxhall, and remembers when the Bull's Head* 
was quite out of town. Though he was slowly and gradually 
given into modern fashions, and still nourishes in the beau-monde, 
yet he seems a little prejudiced in favor of the dress and manners 
of the old school ; and his chief commendation of a new mode is, 
"that it is the same good old fashion we had before the war." 
It has cost us much trouble to make him confess that a cotillon 
is superior to a minuet, or an unadorned crop to a pig-tail and 

the country. There are several houses pleasantly suited upon East River, 
near New York, where it is common to have turtle feasts : these happen 
once or twice in a week. Thirty or forty gentlemen and ladies meet and 
dine together, drink tea in the afternoon, fish and amuse themselves till 
evening, and then return home in Italian chaises, a gentleman and lady 
in each chaise. Tn the way there is a bridge, about three miles distant 
from New York, which you always pass over as you return, called the 
Kissing-bridge, where it is a part of the etiquette to salute the lady who 
has put herself under your protection." From this it would appear that 
the privileges of Kissing-bridge were not confined to sleighing parties. 

* Old Vauxhall stood at the corner of Warren and Greenwich streets, 
and was originally the residence of Sir Peter Warren. It fell into the 
hands of Sam Fraunces, the famous tavern-keeper, who kept it as a public 
garden. Fraunces was the steward of General Washington. A later 
Vauxhall was kept in the neighborhood of Broome street, by Delacroix, 
who removed the establishment about 1808 to the better known Vaux- 
hall Garden, which extended from the Bowery to Broadway, cross- 
ing the present Lafayette Place and site of the Astor Library. The 
Bull's Head, the chief cattle mart, occupied the site of the Bowery theatre, 
and has travelled upward with the growth of city, making one or two 
halting-places on that avenue on its way to its present position in the 
Fifth Avenue. 



ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF WILL WIZARD. 21 

powder. Custom and fashion have, however, had more effect on 
him than all our lectures; and he tempers, so happily, the grave 
and ceremonious gallantry of the old school w r ith the " hail-fel- 
low" familiarity of the new, that, we trust, on a little acquaint- 
ance, and making allowance for his old-fashioned prejudices, he 
will become a very considerable favorite with our readers — if not, 
the worse for themselves — as they will have to endure his com- 
pany. 

In the territory of criticism, William Wizard, Esq., has under- 
taken to preside ; and though we may all dabble in it a little by 
turns, yet we have willingly ceded to him all discretionary pow- 
ers in this respect. Though Will has not had the advantage of 
an education at Oxford or Cambridge, or even at Edinburgh or 
Aberdeen, and though he is but little versed in Hebrew, yet we 
have no doubt he will be found fully competent to the undertak- 
ing. He has improved his taste by a long residence abroad, par- 
ticularly at Canton, Calcutta, and the gay and polished court of 
Hayti. He has also had an opportunity of seeing the best sing- 
ing-girls and tragedians of China, is a great connoisseur in man- 
darine dresses, and porcelain, and particularly values himself on 
his intimate knowledge of the buffalo, and war-dances of the 
northern Indians. He is likewise promised the assistance of a 
gentleman, lately from London, who was born and bred in that 
centre of science and bongoiit, the vicinity of Fleet Market, where 
he has been edified, man and boy, these six-and-twenty years, 
with the harmonious jingle of Bow-bells. His taste, therefore, 
has attained to such an exquisite pitch of refinement that there 
are few exhibitions of any kind which do not put him in a fever. 
He has assured Will, that if Mr. Cooper emphasizes "and" in- 
stead of " but," or Mrs. Oldmixon pins her kerchief a hair's 
breadth awry — or Mrs. Parley offers to dare to look less than 



22 SALMAGUNDI. 

the " daughter of a senator of Yenice n — the standard of a sena- 
tor's daughter being exactly six feet — they shall all hear of it in 
good time. We have, however, advised Will Wizard to keep 
his friend in check, lest, by opening the eyes of the public to the 
wretchedness of the actors by whom they have hitherto been 
entertained, he might cut off one source of amusement from our 
fellow-citizens. We hereby give notice, that we have taken the 
whole corps, from the manager in his mantle of gorgeous copper- 
lace to honest John in his green coat and black breeches, under 
our wing — and woe be unto him who injures a hair of their 
heads. As we have no design against the patience of our fellow 
citizens, we shall not dose them with copious draughts of thea- 
trical criticism ; we well know that they have already been well 
physicked with them of late ; our theatrics shall take up but a 
small part of our paper ; nor shall they be altogether confined 
to the stage, but extend from time to time to those incorrigible 
offenders against the peace of society, the stage-critics, who not 
unfrequently create the fault they find, in order to yield an opening 
for their witticisms — censure an actor for a gesture he never 
made, or an emphasis he never gave ; and, in their attempt to 
show off new readings, make the sweet swan of Avon cackle like 
a goose. If any one should feel himself offended by our remarks, 
let him attack us in return — we shall not wince from the combat. 
If his passes be successful, we will be the first to cry out, a hit! a 
hit ! and we doubt not we shall frequently lay ourselves open to 
the weapons of our assailants. But let them have a care how 
they run a tilting with us; they have to deal with stubborn foes, 
who can bear a world of pummelling ; we will be relentless in 
our vengeance, find will fight "till from our bones the flesh be 
hack't." 

What other subjects we shall include in the range of our ob- 



OURSELVES. * 23 

servations, we have not determined, or rather we shall not trouble 
ourselves to detail. The public have already more information 
concerning us, than we intended to impart. We owe them no 
favors, neither do we ask any. We again advise them, for their 
own sakes, to read our papers when they come out. We recom- 
mend to all mothers to purchase them for their daughters, who 
will be taught the true line of propriety, and the most advisable 
method of managing their beaux. We advise all daughters to 
purchase them for the sake of their mothers, who shall be initi- 
ated into the arcana of the bon-ton, and cured of all those rusty 
old notions which they acquired during the last century : 
parents shall be taught how to govern their children, girls how 
.to get husbands, and old maids how to do without them. 

As we do not measure our wits by the yard or the bushel, and 
as they do not flow periodically nor constantly, we shall not 
restrict our paper as to size or the time of its appearance . It will 
be published whenever we have sufficient matter to constitute a 
number, and the size of the number shall depend on the stock in 
hand. This will best suit our negligent habits, and leave us that full 
liberty and independence which is the joy and pride of our souls. 
As we have before hinted, that we do not concern ourselves about 
the pecuniary matters of our paper, we leave its price to be re- 
gulated by our publisher : only recommending him, for his own 
interest, and the honor of its authors, not to sell their invaluable 
productions too cheap. 

Is there any one who wishes to know more about us ? — let 
him read Salmagundi, and grow wise apace. Thus much we 
will say — there are three of us, " Bardolph, Peto, and I," all 
townsmen good and true; — many a time and oft have we three 
amused the town without its knowing to whom it was indebted: 
and many a time have we seen the midnight lamp twinkle faintly 



24: SALMAGUNDI. 

on our studious phizes, and heard the morning salutation of " past 
three o'clock," before we sought our pillows. The result of these 
midnight studies is now offered to the public; and little as we 
care for the opinion of this exceedingly stupid world, we shall 
take care, as far as lies in our careless natures, to fulfill the pro- 
mises made in this introduction ; if we do not, we shall have so 
many examples to justify us, that we feel little solicitude on that 
account. 



THEATRICS— CONTAINING THE QUINTESSENCE ■ OF 
MODERN CRITICISM. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

/jTACBETH was performed to a very crowded house, and 
much to our satisfaction. As, however, our neighbor 
Town has been very voluminous already in his criticisms on this 
play, we shall make but few remarks. Having never seen Kem- 
ble in this character, we are absolutely at a loss to say whether 
Mr. Cooper performed it well or not. We think, however, 
there was an error in his costume, as the learned Linkum Fidelius 
is of opinion, that in the time of Macbeth the Scots did not wear 
sandals, but wooden shoes. Macbeth also was noted for wearing 
his jacket open, that he might play the Scotch fiddle more 
conveniently — that being a hereditary accomplishment in the 
Glamis family. 

We have seen this character performed in China, by the cele- 
brated Chow-Chow, the Roscius of that great empire, who in 
the dagger scene always electrified the audience by blowing his 
nose like a trumpet. Chow-Chow, in compliance with the opin- 



THEATRICALS. 25 

ion of the sage Linkum Fidelius, performed Macbeth in wooden 
shoes; this gave him an opportunity of producing great effect, 
for on first seeing the " air-drawn dagger/ 7 he always cut a pro- 
digious high caper, and kicked his shoes into the pit at the heads 
of the critics; whereupon the audience were marvellously de- 
lighted, flourished their hands, and stroked their whiskers three 
times, and the matter was carefully recorded in the next number 
of a paper called the flim-flam. {English — town.) 

We were much pleased with Mrs. Yilliers in Lady Mac- 
beth ; but we think she would have given a greater effect to the 
night scene, if, instead of holding the candle in her hand, or set- 
ting it down on the table, which is sagaciously censured by 
neighbor Town, she had stuck it in her night-cap. This would 
have been extremely picturesque, and would have marked more 
strongly the derangement of her mind. 

Mrs. Yilliers, however, is not by any means large enough for 
the character : Lady Macbeth having been, in our opinion, a 
woman of extraordinary size, and of the race of the giants, not- 
withstanding what she says of her " little hand — " which being 
said in her sleep passes for nothing. We should be happy to 
see this character in the hands of the lady who played Glum- 
dalca, queen of the giants, in Tom Thumb ; she is exactly of im- 
perial dimensions ; and, provided she is well shaved, of a most 
interesting physiognomy : as she appears likewise to be a lady of 
some nerve, I dare engage she will read a letter about witches 
vanishing in air, and such common occurrences, without being un- 
naturally surprised, to the annoyance of honest " Town." 

We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper profits by the in- 
structions of friend Town, and does not dip the daggers in blood 
so deep as formerly by a matter of an inch or two. This was a 
violent outrage upon our immortal bard. We differ with Mr, 

2 



26 SALMAGUNDI. 

Town in his reading of the words " this is a sorry sight." We 
are of opinion the force of the sentence should be thrown on the 
word sight, because Macbeth having been, shortly before, most 
confoundedly humbugged with an aerial dagger, was in doubt 
whether the daggers actually in his hands were real, or whether 
they were not mere shadows, or as the old English may have 
termed it, syghtes ; (this, at any rate, will establish our skill in 
new readings) Though we differ in this respect from our neigh- 
bor Town, yet we heartily agree with him in censuring Mr. 
Cooper for omitting that passage so remarkable for " beauty of 
imagery," etc., beginning with " and pity like a naked new-born 
babe," etc. It is one of those passages of Shakspeare which 
should always be retained, for the purpose of showing how some- 
times that great poet could talk like a buzzard ; or, to speak 
more plainly, like the famous mad poet, Nat Lee. 

As it is the first duty of a friend to advise — and as we profess 
and do actually feel a friendship for honest " Town," we warn 
him never, in his criticisms, to meddle with a lady's " petticoats," 
or to quote Nic Bottom. In the first instance he may " catch 
a tartar ;" and in the second, the ass's head may rise up in 
judgment against him ; and when it is once afloat there is no 
knowing where some unlucky hand may place it. We would not, 
for all the money in our pockets, see Town flourishing his critical 
quill under the auspices of an ass's head, like the great Franklin 
in his Montero Cap. 



THE ASSEMBLY. 27 



NEW YORK ASSEMBLY. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

THE assemblies this year have gained a great accession of 
beauty. Several brilliant stars have risen from the East 
and from the North, to brighten the firmament of fashion ; 
among the number I have discovered another planet, which rivals 
even Venus in lustre, and I claim equal honor with Herschel for 
my discovery. I shall take some future opportunity to describe 
this planet, and the numerous satellites which revolve around it. 

At the last assembly the company began to make some show 
about eight, but the most fashionable delayed their appearance 
until about nine — nine being the number of the muses, and 
therefore, the best possible hour for beginning to exhibit the 
graces. (This is meant for a pretty play upon words, and I 
assure my 'readers that I think it very tolerable.) 

Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I hold in special con- 
sideration, even with his half century of experience, would have 
been puzzled to point out the humors of a lady by her prevailing 
colors ; for the " rival queens " of fashion, Mrs. Toole and 
Madame Bouchard,* appeared to have exhausted their wonderful 
inventions in the different disposition, variation, and combination 
of tints and shades. The philosopher who maintained that 
black was white, and that, of course, there was no such color as 
white, might have given some color to his theory on this 
occasion, by the absence of poor forsaken white muslin. I was, 
however, much pleased to see that red maintains its ground 

* Two fashionable milliners of rival celebrity in the city of New York. 
— Paris Ed. 



28 SALMAGUNDI. 

against all other colors, because red is the color of Mr. Jeffer- 
son's ******** ? Tom Paine's nose, and my slippers.* 

Let the grumbling smellfungi of this world, who cultivate 
taste among books, cobwebs, and spiders, rail at the extrava- 
gance of the age ; for my part, I was delighted with the magic 
of the scene, and as the ladies tripped through the mazes of 
the dance, sparkling and glowing and dazzling, I, like the 
honest Chinese, thanked them heartily for the jewels and finery 
with which they loaded themselves, merely for the entertain- 
ment of bystanders, and blessed my stars that I was a bachelor. 

The gentlemen were considerably numerous, and being, as 
usual, equipt in their appropriate black uniforms, constituted a 
sable regiment, which contributed not a little to the brilliant 

* In this instance, as well as on several other occasions, a little innocent 
pleasantry is indulged at Mr. Jefferson's expense. The allusion made 
here is to the red velvet small clothes with which the President, in 
defiance of good taste, used to attire himself on levee days and other 
public occasions. — Paris Ed. 

In one of his splenetic moods in Virginia, John llandolph once vented 
his complaint of Jefferson, with an allusion to the old scandal. " I 
cannot live," said he, " in this miserable undone country, where, as the 
Turks follow their sacred standard, which is a pair of Mahomet's green 
breeches, we are governed by the old red breeches of that prince of 
projectors, St. Thomas of Cantingbury ; and surely, Becket himself 
never had more pilgrims at his shrine, than the saint of Monticello." 

As for the proboscis of Paine, " I shall secure him to a nicety," said 
Jarvis, when he was about to take the bust of Paine, now in the New 
York Historical Society, " if I can get plaster enough for his carbuncled 
nose." Dr. Francis, who relates the anecdote in one of the interesting 
historical sketches which he has given to the public, also furnishes a 
couplet sung by the boys in the streets. 

" Tom Paine is come from far, from far ; 
His nose is like a blazing star ! " 



THE ASSEMBLY. 29 

gaiety of the ballroom. I must confess I am indebted for this 
remark to our friend the cockney, Mr. 'Sbidlikexsflash, or 
' Sbidlikens, as he is called for shortness. He is a fellow of 
infinite verbosity — stands in high favor — with himself — and, like 
Caleb Quotem, is "up to everything." I remember when a 
comfortable, plump-looking citizen led into the room a fair dam- 
sel, who looked for all the world like the personification of a 
rainbow ; 'Sbidlikens observed that it reminded him of a fable, 
which he had read somewhere, of the marriage of an honest 
painstaking snail, who had once walked six feet in an hour for 
a wager, to a butterfly whom he used to gallant by the elbow, 
with the aid of much puffing and exertion. On being called 
upon to tell where he had come across the story, 'Sbidlikens 
absolutely refused to answer. 

It would but be repeating an old story to say, that the ladies 
of New York dance well ; — and well may they, since they learn 
it scientifically, and begin their lessons before they have quit 
their swaddling clothes. The immortal Duport has usurped 
despotic sway over all the female heads and heels in this city ; — 
horn-books, primers, and pianos are neglected, to attend to his 
positions ; and poor Chilton, with his pots, and kettles, and 
chemical crockery, finds him a more potent enemy than the 
whole collective force of the " North River Society."* 'Sbidli- 
kens insists that this dancing mania will inevitably continue as long 
as a dancing-master will charge the fashionable price of five-and- 
twenty dollars a quarter, and all other accomplishments are so 
vulgar as to be attainable at "half the money ;" — but I put no 
faith in 'Sbidlikens' candor in this particular. Among his 

* An imaginary association, the object of which was to set the North 
River (the Hudson) on fire. A number of young men of some fashion, 
little talent, and great pretension, were ridiculed as members. — Paris Ed. 



30 SALMAGUNDI. 

infinitude of endowments, he is but a poor proficient in dancing ; 
and though he often flounders through a cotillon, yet he never 
cut a pigeonwing in his life. 

In my mind there's no position more positive and unexcep- 
tionable than that most Frenchmen, dead or alive, are born 
dancers. I came pounce upon this discovery at the assembly, 
and I immediately noted it down in my register of indisputable 
facts y — the public shall know all about it. As I never dance 
cotillons, holding them to be monstrous distorters of the human 
frame, and tantamount in their operations to being broken and 
dislocated on the wheel, I generally take occasion, while they 
are going on, to make my remarks on the company. In the 
course of these observations I was struck with the energy and 
eloquence of sundry limbs, which seemed to be flourishing about 
without appertaining to anybody. After much investigation 
and difficulty I, at length, traced them to their respective 
owners, whom I found to be all Frenchmen to a man. Art 
may have meddled somewhat in these affairs, but nature certainly 
did more. I have since been considerably employed in calcula- 
tions on this subject ; and by the most accurate computation I 
have determined, that a Frenchman passes at least three-fifths 
of his. time between the heavens and the earth, and partakes 
eminently of the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. One of 
these jack-o'-lantern heroes, in taking a figure, which neither 
Euclid nor Pythagoras himself could demonstrate, unfortunately 
wound himself — I mean his feet — his better part — into a lady's 
cobweb muslin robe ; but perceiving it at the instant, he set 
himself a spinning the other way, like a top, unravelled his step, 
without omitting one angle or curve, and extricated himself 
without breaking a thread of the lady's dress ! he then sprung 
up, like a sturgeon, crossed his feet four times, and finished this 



A BLOOMING NYMPH. 31 

wonderful evolution by quivering his left leg, as a cat does her 
paw when she has accidentally dipped it in water. No man, 
11 of woman born," who was not a Frenchman, or a mountebank, 
could have done the like. 

Among the new faces, I remarked a blooming nymph, who 
has brought a fresh supply of roses from the country to adorn 
the wreath of beauty, where lilies too much predominate. As 
I wish well to every sweet face under heaven, I sincerely hope 
her roses may survive the frosts and dissipations of winter, and 
lose nothing by a comparison with the loveliest offerings of the 
spring. 'Sbidlikens, to whom I made similar remarks, assured 
me that they were very just, and very prettily exprest ; and 
that the lady in question was a prodigious line piece of flesh 
and blood: Now, could I find* it in my heart to baste these 
cockneys like their own roast beef — they can make no distinc- 
tion between a fine woman and a fine horse. 

I would praise the sylph-like grace with which another young- 
lady acquitted herself in the dance, but that she excels in far 
more valuable accomplishments. Who praises the rose for its 
beauty, even though it is beautiful ? 

The company retired at the customary hour to the supper- 
room, where the tables were laid out with their usual splendor 
and profusion. My friend, 'Sbidlikens, with the native fore- 
thought of a cockney, had carefully stowed his pocket with 
cheese and crackers, that he might not be tempted again to 
venture his limbs in the crowd of hungry fair ones who throng 
the supper-room door : his precaution was unnecessary, for the 
company entered the room with surprising order and decorum. 
No gowns were torn — -no ladies fainted — no noses bled — nor was 
there any need of the tine interference of either managers or 
peace officers. 



32 A SOCIAL CHAT. 



NO. II.— WEDNESDAY, FEB. 4, 1807. 

FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, 
ESQUIRE. 

IN the conduct of an epic poem, it has been the custom, from 
time immemorable, for the poet occasionally to introduce 
his reader to an intimate acquaintance with the heroes of his 
story, by conducting him into' their tents, and giving him an 
opportunity of observing them in their night-gown and slippers. 
However I despise the servile genius that would descend to 
follow a precedent, though furnished by Homer himself, and con- 
sider him as on a par with the cart that follows at the heels of the 
horse, without ever taking the lead, yet at the present moment, 
my whim is opposed to my opinion ; and whenever this is the 
case, my opinion generally surrenders at discretion. I am deter- 
mined, therefore, to give the town a peep into our divan ; and I 
shall repeat it as often as I please, to show that I intend to be 
sociable. 

The other night Will Wizard and Evergreen called upon me, 
to pass away a few hours in social chat, and hold a kind of coun- 
cil of war. To give a zest to our evening, I uncorked a bottle 
of London particular, which has grown old with myself, and 
which never fails to excite a smile in the countenances of my old 
cronies, to whom alone it is devoted. After some little time 
the conversation turned on the effect produced by our first num- 



WHAT THEY SAY OF US. 33 

ber ; every one had his budget of information, and I assure my 
readers that we laughed most unceremoniously at their expense ; 
they will excuse us for our merriment — 'tis a way we've got. 
Evergreen, who is equally a favorite and companion of young 
and old, was particularly satisfactory in his details ; and it was 
highly amusing to hear how different characters were tickled 
with different passages. The old folks were delighted to find 
there was a bias in our junto toward the " good old times ;" 
and he particularly noticed a worthy old gentleman of his 
acquaintance, who had been somewhat a beau in his day, whose 
eyes brightened at the bare mention of Kissing-bridge. It 
recalled to his recollection several of his youthful exploits, at that 
celebrated pass, on which he seemed to dwell with great pleasure 
and self-complacency ; he hoped, he said, that the bridge might 
be preserved for the benefit of posterity, and as a monument of 
the gallantry of their grandfathers, and even hinted at the 
expediency of erecting a toll-gate there, to collect the forfeits of 
the ladies. But the most flattering testimony of approbation, 
which our work has received, was from an old lady, who never 
laughed but once in her life, and that was at the conclusion of 
the last war. She was detected by friend Anthony in the very 
fact of laughing most obstreperously at the description of the 
little dancing Frenchman. Now it glads my very heart to find 
our effusions have such a pleasing effect. I venerate the aged, 
and joy whenever it is in my power to scatter a few flowers in 
their path. 

The young people were particularly interested in the account 
of the assembly. There was some difference of opinion respecting 
the new planet, and the blooming nymph from the country; but 
as to the compliment paid to the fascinating little sylph who 
danced so gracefully, every lady modestly took that to herself. 

2* 



34: SALMAGUNDI. 

Evergreen mentioned also that the young ladies were ex- 
tremely anxious to learn the true mode of managing their beaux; 
and Miss Diana Wearwell, who is as chaste as an icicle, has 
seen a few superfluous winters pass over her head, and boasts of 
having slain her thousands, wished to know how old maids were 
to do without husbands ; not that she was very curious about 
the matter, she " only asked for information." Several ladies 
expressed their earnest desire that we would not. spare those 
wooden gentlemen who perform the parts of mutes, or stalking 
horses, in their drawing-rooms ; and their mothers were equally 
anxious that we would show no quarter to those lads of spirit, 
who now and then cut their bottles to enliven a tea-party with 
the humors of the dinner-table. 

Will Wizard was not a little chagrined at having been mis- 
taken for a gentleman, " who is no more like me," said Will, 
" than I like Hercules." " I was well assured," continued Will, 
" that as our characters were drawn from nature, the originals 
would be found in every society. And so it has happened — 
every little circle has its 'Sbidlikens ; and the cockney, intended 
merely as the representative of his species, has dwindled into an 
insignificant individual, who having recognized his own likeness, 
has foolishly appropriated to himself a picture for which he never 
sat. Such, too, has been the case with Ding-dong, who has 
kindly undertaken to be my representative ; not that I care 
much about the matter, for it must be acknowledged that the 
animal is a good-natured animal enough — and what is more, a 
fashionable animal — and this is saying more than to call him a 
conjurer. But I am much mistaken if he can claim any affinity 
to the Wizard family. Surely everybody knows Ding-dong, the 
gentle Ding-dong, who pervades all space, who is here and there 
and everywhere ; no tea-party can be complete without Ding- 



DING-DONG. 35 

dong, and his appearance is sure to occasion a smile. Ding- 
dong has been the occasion of much wit in his day ; I have even 
seen many puny whipsters attempt to be dull at his expense, who 
were as much inferior to him as the gad-fly is to the ox that he 
buzzes about. Does any witling want to distress the company 
with a miserable pun ? — nobody's name presents sooner than 
Ding-dong's ; and it has been played upon with equal skill and 
equal entertainment to the bystanders as Trinity-bells. Ding- 
dong is profoundly devoted to the ladies, and highly entitled to 
their regard ; for I know no man who makes a better bow, or 
talks less to the purpose than Ding-dong. Ding-dong has 
acquired a prodigious fund of knowledge by reading Dilworth 
when a boy ; and the other day, on being asked who was the 
author of Macbeth, answered, without the least hesitation — 
Shakspeare ! Ding-dong has a quotation for every day of the 
year, and every hour of the day, and every minute of the hour ; 
but he often commits petty larcenies on the poets — plucks the 
grey hairs of old Chaucer's head, and claps them on the chin of 
Pope ; and filches Johnson's wig, to cover the bald pate of 
Homer ; but his blunders pass undetected by one-half of his 
hearers. Ding-dong, it is true, though he has long wrangled at 
our bar, cannot boast much of his legal knowledge, nor does his 
forensic eloquence entitle him to rank with a Cicero or a Demos- 
thenes ; but bating his professional deficiencies, he is a man of 
most delectable discourse, and can hold forth for an hour upon 
the color of a riband or the construction of a work-bag. Ding- 
dong is now in his fortieth year, or perhaps a little more — rivals 
all the little beaux in the town, in his attentions to the ladies- 
is in a state of rapid improvement ; and there is no doubt but 
that by the time he arrives at years of discretion, he will be 
a very accomplished, agreeable young fellow." I advise all 



36 SALMAGUNDI. 

clever, good-for-nothing, " learned and authentic gentlemen," to 
take care how they wear this cap, however well it fits ; and to 
bear in mind, that our characters are not individuals, but species ; 
if, after this warning, any person chooses to represent Mr. Ding- 
dong, the sin is at his own door ; we wash our hands of it. 

We all sympathized with Wizard, that he should be mistaken 
for a person so very different ; and I hereby assure my readers, 
that William Wizard is no other person in the whole world but 
William Wizard ; so I beg I may hear no more conjectures on 
the subject. Will is, in fact, a wiseacre by inheritance. The 
Wizard family has long been celebrated for knowing more than 
their neighbors, particularly concerning their neighbors' affairs. 
They were anciently called Josselin ; but Will's great-uncle, by 
the father's side, having been accidentally burnt for a witch in 
Connecticut, in consequence of blowing up his own house in a 
philosophical experiment, the family, in order to perpetuate the 
recollection of this memorable circumstance, assumed the name 
and arms of Wizard, and have borne them ever since. 

In the course of my customary morning's walk, I stopped in a 
book-store, which is noted for being the favorite haunt of a 
number of literati, some of whom rank high in the opinion of the 
world, and others rank equally high in their own. Here I 
found a knot of queer fellows listening to one of their company, 
who was reading our paper : I particularly noticed Mr. Ichabod 
Fungus among the number. 

Fungus is one of those fidgeting, meddling quidnuncs with 
which this unhappy city is pestered — one of our " Q in a corner 
fellows," who speaks volumes with a wink, conveys most porten- 
tous information by laying his finger beside his nose, and is 
always smelling a rat in the most trifling occurrence. He lis- 
tened to our work with the most frigid gravity — every now and 



DICK PADDLE. 37 

then gave a mysterious shrug, a humph, or a screw of the mouth ; 
and on being asked his opinion at the conclusion, said, he did 
not know what to think of it ; he hoped it did not mean any- 
thing against the government, that no lurking treason was 
couched in all this talk. These were dangerous times — times of 
plot and conspiracy ; he did not at all like those stars after 
Mr. Jefferson's name — they had an air of concealment. Dick 
Paddle, who was one of the group, undertook our cause. Dick 
is known to the world as being a most knowing genius, who can 
see as far as anybody — into a millstone ; maintains, in the teeth 
of all argument, that a spade is a spade ; and will labor a good 
half hour by St. Paul's clock to establish a self-evident fact. 
Dick assured old Fungus that those stars merely stood for Mr. 
Jefferson's red what-d'ye-call-ems, and that, so far from a conspi- 
racy against their peace and prosperity, the authors, whom he 
knew very well, were only expressing their high respect for 
them. The old man shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, 
gave a mysterious Lord Burleigh nod, said he hoped it might be 
so ; but he was by no means satisfied with this attack upon the 
President's breeches, as " thereby hangs a tale." 



MR. WILSONS CONCERT. 

BY AXTHOXY ETEEfiEEEN, GENT. 

IX my register of indisputable facts I have noted it conspicu- 
ously, that all modern music is but mere dregs and draining 
of the ancient, and that all the spirit and vigor of harmony has 
entirely evaporated in the lapse of ages. Oh ! for the chant of 



** SALMAGUNDI. 

cie ^i Naiades and Dryades, the shell of the Tritons, and the 

tak 'eet warblings of the Mermaids of ancient days ! Where now 

t)er tall we seek the Amphion, who built walls with a turn of his 

"? .urdy-gurdy, the Orpheus who made stones to whistle about his 

ears, and trees hop in a country dance, by the mere quavering 

of his fiddle-stick ! Ah ! had I the power of the former, how 

soon would I build up the new City Hall,* and save the cash 

and credit of the Corporation ; and how much sooner would I 

build myself a snug house in Broadway — nor would it be the 

first time a house has been obtained there for a song. In my 

opinion, the Scotch bagpipe is the only instrument that rivals 

the ancient lyre, and I am surprised it should be almost the 

only one entirely excluded from our concerts. 

Talking of concerts reminds me of that given a few nights 
since by Mr. Wilson, at which I had the misfortune of being 
present. It was attended by a numerous company, and gave 
great satisfaction, if I may be allowed to judge from the frequent 
gapings of the audience ; though I will not risk my credit as a 
connoisseur by saying whether they proceeded from wonder or a 
violent inclination to doze. I was delighted to find in the mazes 
of the crowd my particular friend 'Sbidlikens, who had put on 
his cognoscenti phiz — he being, according to his own account, a 
profound adept in the science of music. He can tell a crotchet 
at first sight ; and, like a true Englishman, is delighted with the 
plum-pudding rotundity of a semibref ; and, in short, boasts of 
having incontinently climbed up Paff's musical tree,f which hangs 
every day upon the poplar, from the fundamental concord to the 

* This edifice, the corner-stone of which was laid by Mayor Edward 
Livingston in 1803, was not finished till 1812. 

f An emblematical device, suspended from a poplar in front of the 
shop of Paff, a music-seller in Broadway. — Paris Ed. 



A CONCERT. 39 

fundamental major discord ; and so on from branch to branch, 
until he reached the very top, where he sung " Rule Britannia," 
clapped his wings, and then — came down again. Like all true 
transatlantic judges, he suffers most horribly at our musical 
entertainments, and assures me that what with the confounded 
scraping, and scratching, and grating of our fiddlers, he thinks 
the sitting out one of our concerts tantamount to the punishment 
of that unfortunate saint who was frittered in two with a hand- 
saw. 

The concert was given in the tea-room at the City Hotel ; an 
apartment admirably calculated, by its clingy walls, beautifully 
marbled with smoke, to show off the dresses and complexions of 
the ladies ; and by the flatness of its ceiling to repress those 
impertinent reverberations of the music, which, whatever others 
may foolishly assert, are, as 'Sbidlikens says, " no better than 
repetitions of old stories ? 

Mr. Wilson gave me infinite satisfaction by the gentility of 
his demeanor, and the roguish looks he now and then cast at the 
ladies, but we fear his excessive modesty threw him into some 
little confusion, for he absolutely forgot himself, and in the whole 
course of bis entrances and exits, never once made his bow to the 
audience. On the whole, however, I think he has a fine voice, 
sings with great taste, and is a very modest, good-looking little 
man ; but I beg leave to repeat the advice so often given by the 
illustrious tenants of the theatrical sky-parlor, to the gentlemen 
who are charged with the " nice conduct" of chairs and tables — 
" make a bow, Johnny — Johnny, make a bow !" 

I cannot, on this occasion, but express my surprise that cer- 
tain amateurs should be so frequently at concerts, considering 
what agonies they suffer while a piece of music is playing. I 
defy any man of common humanity, and who has not the heart 



40 SALMAGUNDI. 

of a Choctaw, to contemplate the countenance of one of these 
unhappy victims of a fiddle-stick without feeling a sentiment of 
compassion. His whole visage is distorted ; he rolls up his eyes, 
as M' Sycophant says, "like a duck in thunder," and the music 
seems to operate upon him like a fit of the colic ; his very 
bowels seem to sympathize at every twang of the catgut, as if 
he heard at that moment the wailings of the helpless animal 
that had been sacrificed to harmony. Nor does the hero of the 
orchestra seem less affected ; as soon as the signal is given, he 
seizes his fiddle-stick, makes a most horrible grimace, scowls 
fiercely upon his music-book, as though he would grin every 
crotchet and quaver out of countenance. I have sometimes 
particularly noticed a hungry-looking Gaul, who torments a huge 
bass viol, and who is doubtless the original of the famous " Raw- 
head-and-bloody-bones," so potent in frightening naughty chil- 
dren. 

The person who played the French horn was very excellent in 
his way, but 'Sbidlikens could not relish his performance, having 
some time since heard a gentleman amateur in Gotham play a 
solo on his proboscis, in a style infinitely superior. Snout, the 
bellows-mender, never turned his wind instrument more musi- 
cally ; nor did the celebrated " knight of the burning lamp," 
ever yield more exquisite entertainment with his nose; this gen- 
tleman had latterly ceased to exhibit this prodigious accom- 
plishment, having, it was whispered, hired out his snout to a 
ferryman, who had lost his conchshell; — the consequence was 
that he did not show his nose in company so frequently as 
before. 



PINDAR COCKLOFT. 



41 



SITTING late the other evening in my elbow-chair, indulg- 
ing in that kind of indolent meditation, which I consider 
the perfection of human bliss, I was aroused from my revery by 
the entrance of an old servant in the Cockloft livery, who 
handed me a letter, containing the following address from my 
cousin and old college chum, Pindar Cockloft. 

Honest Andrew, as he delivered it, informed me that his 
master, who resides a little way from town, on reading a small 
pamphlet in a neat yellow cover,* rubbed his hands with symp- 
toms of great satisfaction, called for his favorite Chinese ink- 
stand, with two sprawling Mandarins for its supporters, and 
wrote the letter which he had the honor to present me. 

As I foresee my cousin will one day become a great favorite 
with the public, and as I know him to be somewhat punctilious 
as it respects etiquette, I shall take this opportunity to gratify 
the old gentleman, by giving him a proper introduction to the 
fashionable world. The Cockloft family, to which I have the 
comfort of being related, has been fruitful in old bachelors and 
humorists, as will be perceived when I come to treat more of its 
history. My cousin Pindar is one of its most conspicuous mem- 
bers — he is now in his fifty-eighth year — is a bachelor, partly 
through choice, and partly through chance, and an oddity of the 
first water. Half his life has been employed in writing odes, son- 
nets, epigrams, and elegies, which he seldom shows to anybody 
but myself after they are written ; and all the old chests, drawers 
and chair-bottoms in the house, teem with his productions. 

In his younger days he figured as a dashing blade in the great 
world; and no young fellow of the town wore a longer pig-tail, 
or carried more buckram in his skirts. From sixteen to thirty 

* The numbers of Salmagundi were originally published in this form. 



42 SALMAGUNDI. 

he was continually in love, and during that period, to use his 
own words, he be-scribbled more paper than would serve the 
theatre for snow-storms a whole season. The evening of his 
thirtieth birth-day, as he sat by the fire-side, as much in love as 
ever was man in this world, and writing the name of his mistress 
in the ashes, with an old tongs that had lost one of its legs, he 
was seized with a whim-wham that he was an old fool to be in 
love at his time of life. It was ever one of the Cockloft charac- 
teristics to strike to whim : and had Pindar stood out on this 
occasion he would have brought the reputation of his mother in 
question. From that time he gave up all particular attentions 
to the ladies; and though he still loves their company, he has 
never been known to exceed the bounds of common courtesy in 
his intercourse with them. He was the life and ornament of our 
family circle in town, until the epoch of the French Revolution, 
which sent so many unfortunate dancing-masters from their coun- 
try to polish and enlighten our hemisphere. This was a sad 
time for Pindar, who had taken a genuine Cockloft prejudice 
against every thing French, ever since he was brought to death's 
door by a ragout : he groaned at ^a Ira, and the Marseilles 
Hymn had much the same effect upon him, that sharpening a 
knife on a dry whetstone has upon some people — it set his teeth 
chattering. He might in time have been reconciled to these 
rubs, had not the introduction of French cockades on the hats 
of our citizens absolutely thrown him into a fever. The first 
time he saw an instance of this kind, he came home with great 
precipitation, packed up his trunk, his old-fashioned writing-desk, 
and his Chinese ink-stand, and made a kind of growling retreat 
to Cockloft-Hall,* where he has resided ever since. 

* Cockloft-Hall had its origin in a favorite resort of Irving and his 



THE COCKLOFT HUMORS. 4:0 

My cousin Pindar is of a mercurial disposition — a humorist 
without ill-nature — he is of the true gunpowder temper ; one flash, 
and all is over. It is true when the wind is easterly, or the 
gout gives him a gentle twinge, or he hears of any new successes 
of the French, he will become a little splenetic ; and heaven 
help the man, and more particularly the woman, that crosses his 
humor at that moment — she is sure to receive no quarter. These 
are the most sublime moments of Pindar. I swear to you, dear 
ladies and gentlemen, I would not lose one of these splenetic 
bursts for the best wig in my wardrobe; even though it were 
proved to be the identical wig worn by the sage Linkum Fide- 
lius, when he demonstrated before the whole University of Ley- 
den, that it was possible to make bricks without straw. I have 
seen the old gentleman blaze forth such a volcanic explosion of 
wit, ridicule and satire, that I was almost tempted to believe 
him inspired. But these sallies only lasted for a moment, and 
passed like summer clouds over the benevolent sunshine which 
ever warmed his heart and lighted up his countenance. 

Time, though it has dealt roughly with his person,, has passed 
lightly over the graces of his mind, and left him in full posses- 
companions, in an old country house, once the residence of the Kembles, 
on the Passaic, near Newark. It was then known, says the writer of a plea- 
sant reminiscence in the Newark Advertiser, as the " Gouverneur Place,'' 
from which family it had descended to Mr. Gouverneur Kemble ; but 
during most of the time referred to it was not inhabited by the family, 
but was in charge of a respectable couple, who kept it in order, and acted 
as host and hostess to Irving, Paulding, and the three or four others, 
constituting their coterie." Mr. Irving, in a letter to the New Jersey 
Historical Society, referring to these visits, remarked, "With Newark are 
associated in my mind many pleasant recollections of early days, and of 
social meetings at an old mansion on the banks of the Passaic." 



44: SALMAGUNDI. 

sion of all the sensibilities of youth. His eye kindles at the 
relation of a noble and generous action, his heart melts at the 
story of distress, and he is still a warm admirer of the fair. 
Like all old bachelors, however, he looks back with a fond and 
lingering eye on the period of his boyhood; and would sooner 
suffer the pangs of matrimony than acknowledge that the world, 
or anything in it, is half so clever as it was in those good old 
times that are "gone by." 

I believe I have already mentioned, that with all his good 
qualities he is a humorist, and a humorist of the highest order. 
He has some of the most intolerable whim-whams I ever met 
with in my life, and his oddities are sufficient to eke out a hun- 
dred tolerable originals. But I will not enlarge on them — ■ 
enough has been told to excite a desire to know more; and I 
am much mistaken if, in the course of half a dozen of our num- 
bers, he don't tickle, plague, please, and perplex the whole town, 
and completely establish his claim to the laureateship he has 
solicited, and with which we hereby invest him, recommending 
him and his effusions to public reverence and respect. 

Launcelot Langstaff. 



D 



TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
EAR LAUNCE, 



As I find you have taken the quill, 
To put our gay town and its fair under drill, 
I offer my hopes for success to your cause, 
And send you unvarnish'd my mite of applause. 



A POETICAL EPISTLE. 4:5 

All, Launce, this poor town has been woefully fash'd; 
Has long been be-Frenchman'd, be-cockney'd, betrash'd, 
And our ladies be-devil'd bewildered astray, 
From the rules of their grandames have wandered away. 
No longer that modest demeanor we meet, 
Which whilom the eyes of our fathers did greet; 
No longer be-mobbled, be-ruffled, be-quilled, 
Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be-patch'd and be-frilPd. 
No longer our fair ones their grograms display, 
And stiff in brocade, strut "like castles " away. 

Oh, how fondly my soul forms departed have traced, 
When our ladies in stays, and in bodice well laced, 
When bishop'd, and cushion'd, and hoop'd to the chin, 
Well calash'd without, and well bolster'd within; 
All cased in their buckrams, from crown down to tail, 
Like O'Brallaghan's mistress, were shaped like a pail. 

Well — peace to those fashions — the joy of our eyes — 
Tempora mutantur, new follies will rise ; 
Yet, " like joys that are past," they still crowd on the mind, 
In moments of thought, as the soul looks behind. 

Sweet days of our boyhood, gone by, my dear Launce, 
Like the shadows of night, or the forms in a trance; 
Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again, 
Nos mutamur, tis true — but those visions remain. 
I recall with delight, how my bosom would creep, 
When some delicate foot from its chamber would peep \ 
And when I a neat stocking'd ankle could spy, 
By the sages of old I was rapt to the sky ! 
All then was retiring, was modest, discreet; 
The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit — 
To the visions which fancy would form in her eye, 



46 SALMAGUNDI. 

Of graces that snug in soft ambush would lie ; 

And the heart, like the poets, in thought would pursue 

The elysium of bliss which was veiled from its view. 

We are old-fashion'd fellows, our nieces will say: 
Old-fashioned, indeed, coz — and swear it they may — 
For I freely confess that it yields me no pride, 
To see them all blaze what their mothers would hide: 
To see them, all shivering, some cold winter's day, 
So lavish their beauties and graces display, 
And give to each fopling that offers his hand, 
Like Moses from Pisgah — a peep at the land. 

But a truce with complaining — the object in view 
Is to offer my help in the work you pursue; 
And as your effusions and labors sublime, 
May need, now and then, a few touches of rhyme, 
I humbly solicit, as cousin and friend, 
A quiddity, quirk, or remonstrance to send: 
Or should you a laureate want in your plan, 
By the muff of my grandmother, I am your man! 
You must know I have got a poetical mill, 
Which with odd lines, and couplets, and triplets I fill ; 
And a poem I grind, as from rags white and blue 
The paper-mill yields you a sheet fair and new. 
I can grind down an ode, or an epic that's long, 
Into sonnet, acrostic, conundrum, or song : 
As to dull hudibrastic, so boasted of late, 
The doggrel discharge of some muddle-brain'd pate, 
I can grind it by wholesale — and give it its point, 
With billingsgate dished up in rhymes out of joint. 

I have read all the poets — and got them by heart, 
Can slit them, and twist them, and take them apart ; 



AN ADVERTISEMENT. 47 

Can cook up an ode out of patches and shreds, 
To muddle my readers, and bother their heads. 
Old Homer, and Yirgil, and Ovid I scan, 
Anacreon, and Sappho, who changed to a swan ; — 
Iambics and sapphics* I grind at my will, . 
And with duties of love every noddle can fill. 

Oh, 'twould do your heart good, Launce, to see my mill grind 
Old stuff into verses, and poems refin'd : — 
Dan Spenser, Dan Chaucer, those poets of old, 
Though covered with dust, are yet true sterling gold ; 
I can grind off their tarnish, and bring them to view, 
New modell'd, new mill'd and improved in their hue. 

But I promise no more — only give me the place 
And I'll warrant I'll fill it with credit and grace ; 
By the living ! I'll figure and cut you a dash 
— As bold as Will Wizard, or 'Sbidlikens-flash ! 

Pindar Cockloft. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 

PERHAPS the most fruitful source of mortification to a 
merry writer, who, for the amusement of himself and the 
public, employs his leisure in sketching odd characters from 
imagination, is that he cannot flourish his pen but every Jack- 
pudding imagines it is pointed directly at himself ; he cannot, in 
his gambols, throw a fool's cap among the crowd, but every queer 
fellow insists upon putting it on his own head — or chalk an out- 
landish figure, but every outlandish genius is eager to write his 
own name under it. However we may be mortified, that these men 



'£$ SALMAGUNDI. 

should each individually think himself of sufficient consequence 
to engage our attention, we should not care a rush about it, if they 
did not get into a passion, and complain of having been ill used. 

It is not in our hearts to hurt the feelings of one single 
mortal, by holding him up to public ridicule ; and if it were, we 
lay it down as one of our indisputable facts, that no man can be 
made ridiculous but by his own folly. As however we are aware 
that when a man by chance gets a thwack in the crowd, he is apt 
to suppose the blow was intended exclusively for himself, and so fall 
into unreasonable anger, we have determined to let these crusty 
gentry know what kind of satisfaction they are to expect from 
us. We are resolved not to fight, for three special reasons : first, 
because fighting is at all events extremely troublesome and incon- 
venient, particularly at this season of the year ; second, because 
if either of us should happen to be killed, it would be a great loss 
to the public, and rob them of many a good laugh we have in 
store for their amusement ; and third, because if we should chance 
to kill our adversary, as is most likely, for we can every one of 
us split balls upon razors and snuff candles, it would be a loss to 
our publisher, by depriving him of a good customer. If any 
gentleman casuist will give three as good reasons for fighting, we 
promise him a complete set of Salmagundi for nothing. 

But though we do not fight in our own proper persons, let it 
not be supposed that we will not give ample satisfaction to all 
those who may choose to demand it — for this would be a mistake 
of the first magnitude, and lead very valiant gentlemen perhaps 
into what is called a quandary. It would be a thousand and one 
pities, that any honest man, after taking to himself the cap and 
bells which we merely offered to his acceptance, should not have 
the privilege of being cudgelled into the bargain. We pride our- 
selves upon giving satisfaction in every department of our paper ; 



PROFFER OF SATISFACTION. 49 

and to fill that of fighting, have engaged two of those strapping 
heroes of the theatre, who figure in the retinues of our ginger- 
bread kings and queens ; now hurry an old stuff petticoat on 
their backs, and strut senators of Rome, or aldermen of London ; 
and now be-whisker their muffin faces with burnt cork, and 
swagger right valiant warriors, armed cap-a-pie, in buckram. 
Should therefore any great little man about town take offence at 
our good-natured villainy, though we intend to offend nobody 
under heaven, he will please to apply at any hour after twelve 
o'clock, as our champions will then be off duty at the theatre and 
ready for anything. They have promised to fight "with or 
without balls :" to give two tweaks of the nose for one ; to sub- 
mit to be kicked, and to cudgel their applicant most heartily in 
return ; this being what we understand by " the satisfaction of a 
gentleman." 
3 



50 



VARIETIES OF STRANGERS. 



No. Ill— FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

AS I delight in everything novel and eccentric, and would 
at any time give an old coat for a new idea, I am particu- 
larly attentive to the manners and conversation of strangers, and 
scarcely ever a traveller enters this city, whose appearance pro- 
mises anything original, but by some means or another I form 
an acquaintance with him. I must confess I often suffer mani- 
fold afflictions from the intimacies thus contracted: my curiosity 
is frequently punished by the stupid details of a blockhead, or 
the shallow verbosity of a coxcomb. Now I would prefer at 
any time to travel with an ox-team through a Carolina sand-flat, 
rather than plod through a heavy unmeaning conversation with 
the former; and as to the latter, I would sooner hold sweet con- 
verse with the wheel of a knife-grinder than endure his monoto- 
nous chattering. In fact, the strangers who flock to this most 
pleasant of all earthly cities, are generally mere birds of passage 
whose plumage is often gay enough, I own, but their notes, 
" heaven save the mark," are as unmusical as those of that classic 
night bird which the ancients humorously selected as the emblem 
of wisdom. Those from the South, it is true, entertain me with 
their horses, equipages, and puns; and it is excessively pleasant 
to hear a couple of. these four-in-hand gentlemen detail their 



TICKLING A COCKNEY. 51 

exploits over a bottle. Those from the East, have often induced 
me to doubt the existence of the wise men of yore, who are said 
to have nourished in that quarter; and as for those from parts 
beyond seas — oh ! my masters, ye shall hear more from me anon. 
Heaven help this unhappy town! — hath it not goslings enow of 
its own hatching and rearing, that it must be overwhelmed by 
such an inundation of ganders from other climes ? I would not 
have any of my courteous and gentle readers suppose that I am 
running a muck, full tilt, cut and slash, upon all foreigners indis- 
criminately, I have no national antipathies, though related to 
the Cockloft family. As to honest John Bull, I shake him 
heartily by the hand, assuring him that I love his jolly counte- 
nance, and, moreover, am lineally descended from him; in proof 
of which I allege my invincible predilection for roast beef and 
pudding. I therefore look upon all his children as my kinsmen; 
and I beg, when I tickle a cockney, I may not be understood as 
trimming an Englishman; they being very distinct animals, as I 
shall clearly demonstrate in a future number. If any one wishes 
to know my opinion of the Irish and Scotch, he may find it in 
the characters of those two nations, drawn by the first advocate 
of the age. But the French, I must confess, are my favorites; 
and I have taken more pains to argue my cousin Pindar out of 
his antipathy to them, than I ever did about any other thing. 
When, therefore, I choose to hunt a Monsieur for my own par- 
ticular amusement, I beg it may not be asserted that I intend 
him as a representative of his countrymen at large. Far from 
this — I love the nation, as being a nation of right merry fel- 
lows, possessing the true secret of being happy ; which is nothing 
more than thinking of nothing, talking about anything, and 
laughing at everything. I mean only to tune up those little 
thingimys, who represent nobody but themselves; who have no 



52 SALMAGUNDI. 

national trait about them but their language, and who hop about 
our town in swarms, like little toads after a shower. 

Among the few strangers whose acquaintance has entertained 
me, I particularly rank the magnanimous Mustapha Rub-a-dub 
Keli Khan, a most illustrious captain of a ketch, who figured, 
some time since, in our fashionable circles, at the head of a rag- 
ged regiment of Tripolitan prisoners.* His conversation was to 
me a perpetual feast; I chuckled with inward pleasure at his 
whimsical mistakes and unaffected observations on men and man- 
ners, and I rolled each odd conceit " like a sweet morsel under 
my tongue." 

Whether Mustapha was captivated by my iron-bound physi- 
ognomy, or flattered by the attentions which I paid him, I won't 
determine; but I so far gained his confidence, that, at his depart- 
ure, he presented me with a bundle of papers, containing, among 
other articles, several copies of letters, which he had written to 
his friends at Tripoli. The following is a translation of one of 
them. The original is in Arabic-Greek; but by the assistance 
of Will Wizard, who understands all languages, not excepting 
that manufactured by Psalmanazar, I have been enabled to 
accomplish a tolerable translation. We should have found little 
difficulty in rendering it into English, had it not been for Mus- 
tapha's confounded pot-hooks and trammels. 

* Several Tripolitan prisoners taken by an American squadron, in an 
action off Tripoli, were brought to New York ; where they lived at large, 
objects of the curiosity and hospitality of the inhabitants, until an oppor- 
tunity presented to restore them to their own country. — Paris Ed. 



NEW YORK LADIES. 53 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DEIVER 
TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TEIPOLI. 

THOU wilt learn from this letter, most illustrious disciple of 
Mahomet, that I have for some time resided in New York ; 
the most polished, vast, and magnificent city of the United States 
of America. But what to me are its delights ! I wander a cap- 
tive through its splendid streets, I turn a heavy eye on every 
rising day that beholds me banished from my country. The 
Christian husbands here lament most bitterly any short absence 
from home, though they leave but one wife behind to lament 
their departure; what then must be the feelings of thy unhappy 
kinsman, while thus lingering at an immeasurable distance from 
three-and-twenty of the most lovely and obedient wives in all 
Tripoli ! Oh, Allah! shall thy servant never again return to 
his native land, nor behold his beloved wives, who beam on his 
memory beautiful as the rosy morn of the east, and graceful as 
Mahomet's camel ! 

Yet beautiful, oh, most puissant slave-driver, as are my wives, 
they are far exceeded by the women of this country. Even 
those who run about the streets with bare arms and necks 
(et cetera), whose habiliments are too scanty to protect them 
from the inclemency of the seasons, or the scrutinizing glances 
of the curious, and who it would seem belong to nobody, are 
lovely as the houris that people the elysium of true believers. 
If then, such as run wild in the highways, and whom no one 
cares to appropriate, are thus beauteous, what must be the 
charms of those who are shut up in the seraglios, and never per- 



54: SALMAGUNDI. 

mitted to go abroad ! surely the region of beauty, the valley of 
the graces, can contain nothing so inimitably fair ! 

But, notwithstanding the charms of these infidel women, they 
are apt to have one fault, which is extremely troublesome and 
inconvenient. Wouldst thou believe it, Asem, I have been 
positively assured by a famous dervise, or doctor, as he is here 
called, that at least one-fifth part of them — have souls ! Incredi- 
ble as it may seem to thee, I am the more inclined to believe 
them in possession of this monstrous superfluity, from my own 
little experience, and from the information which I have derived 
from others. In walking the streets I have actually seen an 
exceedingly good-looking woman, with soul enough to box her 
husband's ears to his heart's content, and my very whiskers 
trembled with indignation at the abject state of these wretched 
infidels. I am told, moreover, that some of the women have 
soul enough to usurp the breeches of the men, but these I sup- 
pose are married and kept close ; for I have not, in my rambles, 
met with any so extravagantly accoutred : others, I am 
informed, have soul enough to swear ! — yea ! by the beard of 
the great Omar, who prayed three times to each of the one hun- 
dred and twenty-four thousand prophets of our most holy faith, 
and who never swore but once in his life — they actually 
swear ! 

Get thee to the mosque, good Asem ! return thanks to our 
most holy prophet, that he has been thus mindful of the comfort 
of all true Mussulmans, and has given them wives with no more 
souls than cats and dogs, and other necessary animals of the 
household. 

Thou wilt doubtless be anxious to learn our reception in this' 
country, and how we were treated by a people whom we have 
been accustomed to consider as unenlightened barbarians. 



THE GRAND BASHAW. 55 

On landing we were waited upon to our lodgings, I suppose 
according to the directions of the municipality, by a vast and 
respectable escort of boys and negroes, who shouted and threw 
up their hats, doubtless to do honor to the magnanimous 
Mustapha, captain of a ketch ; they were somewhat ragged 
and dirty in their equipments, but this we attributed to their 
republican simplicity. One of them, in the zeal of admira- 
tion, threw an old shoe, which gave thy friend rather an 
ungentle salutation on one side of the head, whereat I was 
not a little offended, until the interpreter informed us that 
this was the customary manner in which great men were hon- 
ored in this country ; and that the more distinguished they 
were, the more they were subjected to the attacks and pelt- 
ings of the mob. Upon this I bowed my head three times, 
with my hands to my turban, and made a speech in Arabic- 
Greek, which gave great satisfaction, and occasioned a shower 
of old shoes, hats, and so forth, that was exceedingly refreshing 
to us all. 

Thou wilt not as yet expect that I should give thee an account 
of the laws and politics of this country. I will reserve them for 
some future letter, when I shall be more experienced in their 
complicated and seemingly contradictory nature. 

This empire is governed by a grand and most puissant bashaw, 
whom they dignify with the title of president. He is chosen by 
persons, who are chosen by an assembly, elected by the people — 
hence the mob is called the sovereign people — and the country, 
free ; the body politic doubtless resembling a vessel, which is 
best governed by its tail. The present bashaw is a very plain 
old gentleman — something they say of a humorist, as he amuses 
himself with impaling butterflies and pickling tadpoles ; he is 
rather declining in popularity, having given great offence by 



56 SALMAGUNDI. 

wearing red breeches and tying his horse to a post.* The peo- 
ple of the United States have assured me that they themselves 
are the most enlightened nation under the sun ; but thou know- 
est that the barbarians of the desert, who assemble at the sum- 
mer solstice, to shoot their arrows at that glorious luminary, in 
order to extinguish his burning rays, make precisely the same 
boast — which of them have the superior claim, I shall not 
attempt to decide. 

I have observed, with some degree of surprise, that the men 
of this country do not seem in haste to accommodate themselves 
even with the single wife which alone the laws permit them to 
marry ; this backwardness is probably owing to the misfortune 
of their absolutely having no female mutes among them. Thou 
knowest how valuable are these silent companions — what a price 
is given for them in the East, and what entertaining wives they 
make. What delightful entertainment arises from beholding the 
silent eloquence of their sighs and gestures ; but a wife possessed 
both of a tongue and a soul — monstrous ! monstrous ! is it 
astonishing that these unhappy infidels should shrink from a union 
with a woman so preposterously endowed ! 

Thou hast doubtless read in the works of Abul Faraj, the 
Arabian historian, the tradition which mentions that the muses 

* This is another allusion to the primitive habits of Mr. Jefferson, who, 
even while the first magistrate of the Republic, and on occasions when a 
little of the "pomp and circumstance" of office would not have been 
incompatible with that situation, was accustomed to dress in the plainest 
garb, and when on horseback to be without an attendant ; so that it not 
unfrequently happened that he might be seen, when the business of the 
state required his personal presence, riding up alone to the government 
house at Washington, and having tied his steed to the nearest post, pro- 
ceed to transact the important business of the nation. — Paris Ed. 



SUPERNUMERARY MUSES. 57 

were once upon the point of falling together by the ears about 
the admission of a tenth among their number, until she assured 
them, by signs, that she was dumb ; whereupon they received 
her with great rejoicing. I should, perhaps, inform thee that 
there are but nine Christian muses, who were formerly pagans, 
but have since been converted, and that in this couutry we never 
hear of a tenth, unless some crazy poet wishes to pay a hyper- 
bolical compliment to his mistress ; on which occasion it goes 
hard, but she figures as a tenth muse, or fourth grace, even 
though she should be more illiterate than a Hottentot, and 
more ungraceful than a dancing bear ! Since my arrival in this 
country, I have met with not less than a hundred of these 
supernumerary muses and graces — and may Allah preserve me 
from ever meeting with any more ! 

When I have studied this people more profoundly, I will 
write thee again : in the mean time watch over my household, 
and do not beat my beloved wives unless you catch them with 
their noses out at the window. Though far distant, and a slave, 
let me live in thy heart as thou livest in mine ; think not, oh, 
friend of my soul, that the splendors of this luxurious capital, 
its gorgeous palaces, its stupendous mosques, and the beautiful 
females who run wild in herds about its streets, can obliterate 
thee from my remembrance. Thy name shall still be mentioned 
in the five-and-twenty prayers which I offer up daily ; and may 
our great prophet, after bestowing on thee all the blessings of 
this life, at length, in good old age, lead thee gently by the hand, 
to enjoy the dignity of bashaw of three tails in the blissful 
bowers of Eden. 

MUSTAPHA. 



3* 



58 SALMAGUNDI. 

FASHIONS. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGEEEN, GENT. 

The following article is furnished ?ne by a young lady of unquestionable 
taste, and who is the oracle of fashion aud frippery. Being deeply 
initiated into all the mysteries of the toilet, she has promised me, from 
time to time, a similar detail. 

MRS. TOOLE has for some time reigned unrivalled in the 
fashionable world, and had the supreme direction of caps, 
bonnets, feathers, flowers, and tinsel. She has dressed and 
undressed our ladies just as she pleased ; now loading them 
with velvet and wadding, now turning them adrift upon the 
world to run shivering through the streets with scarcely a 

covering to their backs ; and now obliging them to drag a 

long train at their heels, like the tail of a paper kite. Her 
despotic sway, however, threatens to be limited. A dangerous 
rival has sprung up in the person of Madame Bouchard, an 
intrepid little woman, fresh from the head-quarters of fashion 
and folly, and who has burst like a second Bonaparte upon the 
fashionable world. Mrs. Toole, notwithstanding, seems deter- 
mined to dispute her ground bravely for the honor of old 
England. The ladies have begun to arrange themselves under 
the banner of one or other of these heroines of the needle, and 
everything portends open war. Madame Bouchard marches 
gallantly to the field, flourishing a flaming red robe for a 
standard, " flouting the skies f and Mrs. Toole, no wise 
dismayed, sallies out under cover of a forest of artificial flowers, 
like Malcolm's host. Both parties possess great merit, and both 
deserve the victory. Mrs. Toole charges the highest, but 



MORNING DRESS. 59 

Madame Bouchard makes the lowest courtesy. Madame 
Bouchard is a little short lady — nor is there any hope of her 
growing larger ; but then she is perfectly genteel, and so is Mrs. 
Toole. Mrs. Toole lives in Broadway, and Madame Bouchard 
in Courtlandt street ; but Madame atones for the inferiority of 
her stand by making two courtesies to Mrs. Toole's one, and 
talking French like an angel. Mrs. Toole is the best looking, 
but Madame Bouchard wears a most bewitching little scrubby 
wig. Mrs. Toole is the tallest, but Madame Bouchard has the 
longest nose. Mrs. Toole is fond of roast beef, but Madame 
Bouchard is loyal in her adherence to onions ; in short, so equally 
are the merits of the two ladies balanced, that there is no judging 
which will " kick the beam." It however seems to be the prevail- 
ing opinion that Madame Bouchard will carry the day, because she 
wears a wig, has a long nose, talks French, loves onions, and does 
not charge above ten times as much for a thing as it is worth. 



Under the direction of these high priestesses of the beau-monde, the 
following is the fashionable morning dress for walking 

If the weather be very cold, a thin muslin gown or frock is 
most advisable, because it agrees with the season, being 
perfectly cool. The neck, arms, and particularly the elbows 
bare, in order that they may be agreeably painted and mottled 
by Mr. John Frost, nose-painter-general, of the color of 
Castile soap. Shoes of kid, the thinnest that can possibly be 
procured — as they tend to promote colds, and make a lady look 
interesting — (i. e. grizzly). Picnic silk stockings, with lace 
clocks, flesh-colored are most fashionable, as they have the 
appearance of bare legs — nudity being all the rage. The stock- 



60 SALMAGUNDI. 

ings carelessly bespattered with mud, to agree with the gown, 
which should be bordered about three inches deep with the most 
fashionable colored mud that can be found ; the ladies permitted 
to hold up their trains, after they have swept two or three 

streets, in order to show- the clocks of their stockings. The 

shawl scarlet, crimson, flame, orange, salmon, or any other 
combustible or brimstone color, thrown over one shoulder, like 
an Indian blanket, with one end dragging on the ground. 

_ZV. B. If the ladies have not a red shawl at hand, a red pet- 
ticoat, turned topsy-turvy over the shoulders, would do just as 
well. This is called being dressed a la drablle. 

When the ladies do not go abroad of a morning, the usual 
chimney-corner dress is a dotted, spotted, striped, or cross-barred 
gown ; a yellowish, whitish, smokish, dirty-colored shawl, and 
the hair curiously ornamented with little bits of newspapers, or 
pieces of a letter from a dear friend. This is called the " Cin- 
derella dress." 

The recipe for a full dress is as follows : take of spider-net, 
crape, satin, gimp, cat-gut, gauze, whalebone, lace, bobbin, rib- 
bons and artificial flowers, as much as will rig out the congrega- 
tion of a village church ; to these, add as many spangles, beads 
and gew-gaws as would be sufficient to turn the heads of all the 
fashionable fair ones of Nootka Sound. Let Mrs. Toole or 
Madame Bouchard patch all these articles together, one upon 
another, dash them plentifully over with stars, bugles and tinsel, 
and they will altogether form a dress, which, hupg upon a lady's 
back, cannot fail of supplying the place of beauty, youth and 
grace, and of reminding the spectator of that celebrated region 
of finery called Rag- Fair. 



INCOG. 61 

ONE of the greatest sources of amusement incident to our 
humorous knight-errantry is to ramble about, and hear 
the various conjectures of the town respecting our worships, 
whom everybody pretends to know as well as Falstaff did Prince 
Hal, at Gad's-hill. We have sometimes seen a sapient, sleepy 
fellow, on being tickled with a straw, make a furious effort, and 
fancy he had fairly caught a gnat in his grasp ; so, that many- 
headed monster, the public, who, with all its heads, is, we fear, 
sadly off for brains, has, after long hovering, come souse down, 
like a king-fisher, on the authors of Salmagundi, and caught 
them as certainly as the aforesaid honest fellow caught the gnat. 

Would that we were rich enough to give every one of our 
numerous readers a cent, as a reward for their ingenuity ! Not 
that they have really conjectured within a thousand leagues of 
the truth, but that we consider it a great stretch of ingenuity 
even to have guessed wrong ; and that we hold ourselves much 
obliged to them for having taken the trouble to guess at all. 

One of the most tickling, dear, mischievous pleasures of this 
life is to laugh in one's sleeve — to sit snug in the corner, unno- 
ticed and unknown, and hear the wise men of Gotham, who are 
profound judges of horse-flesh, pronounce, from the style of our 
work, who are the authors. This listening incog., and receiving 
a hearty praising over another man's back, is a situation so 
celestially whimsical, that we have done little else than laugh in 
our sleeve ever since our first number was published. 

The town has at length allayed the titillations of curiosity, by 
fixing on two young gentlemen of literary talents — that is to 
say, they are equal to the composition of a newspaper squib, a 
hodge-podge criticism, or some such trifle, and may occasionally 
raise a smile by their effusions ; but pardon us, sweet sirs, if we 
modestly doubt your capability of supporting the burden of Sal- 



62 SALMAGUNDI. 

magundi, or of keeping up a laugh for a whole fortnight, as we 
have done, and intend to do, until the whole town becomes a 
community of laughing philosophers like ourselves. We have 
no intention, however, of undervaluing the abilities of these two 
young men, whom we verily believe, according to common 
acceptation, young men of promise. 

Were we ill-natured, we might publish something that would 
get our representatives into difficulties ; but far be it from us to 
do anything to the injury of persons to whom we are under such 
obligations. 

While they stand before us, we, like little Teucer, behind the 
sevenfold shield of Ajax, can launch unseen our sportive arrows, 
which, we trust, will never inflict a wound, unless, like his, they 
fly, " heaven-directed," to some conscience-struck bosom. 

Another marvellous great source of pleasure to us is the 
abuse our work has received from several wooden gentlemen, 
whose censures we covet more than ever we did anything in our 
lives. The moment we declared open war against folly and 
stupidity, we expected to receive no quarter ; and to provoke a 
confederacy of all the blockheads in town. For it is one of our 
indisputable facts, that so sure as you catch a gander by the 
tail, the whole flock, geese, goslings, one and all, have a fellow- 
feeling on the occasion, and begin to cackle and hiss like so 
many devils bewitched. As we have a profound respect for 
these ancient and respectable birds, on the score of their once 
saving the capitol, we hereby declare that we mean no offence 
whatever by comparing them to the aforesaid confederacy. We 
have heard, in our walks, such criticisms on Salmagundi as 
almost induced a belief that folly had here, as in the East, her 
moments of inspired idiotism. Every silly royster has, as if by 
an instinctive sense of anticipated danger, joined in the cry, and 



DULLNESS IN ARMS. 63 

condemned us without mercy. All is thus as it should be . It 
would have mortified us very sensibly had we been disappointed 
in this particular, as we should then have been apprehensive that 
our shafts had fallen to the ground, innocent of the " blood or 
brains " of a single numskull. Our efforts have been crowned 
with wonderful success. All the queer fish, the grubs, the flats, 
the noddies, and the live-oak and timber gentlemen, are pointing 
their empty guns at us ; and we are threatened with a most 
puissant confederacy of the " pigmies and cranes/' and other 
" light militia," backed by the heavy-armed artillery of dullness 
and stupidity. The veriest dreams of our most sanguine 
moments are thus realized. We have no fear of the censures of 
the wise, the good, or the fair, for they will ever be sacred from 
our attacks. We reverence the wise, love the good, and adore 
the fair ; we declare ourselves champions in their cause — in the 
cause of morality — and we throw our gauntlet to all the world 
besides. 

While we profess and feel the same indifference to public 
applause as at first, we most earnestly invite the attacks and 
censures of all the wooden warriors of this sensible city ; and 
especially of that distinguished and learned body, heretofore 
celebrated under the appellation of " The North River Society." 
The thrice valiant and renowned Don Quixote never made such 
work amongst the wool-clad warriors of Trapoban, or the pup- 
pets of the itinerant showman, as we promise to make among 
these fine fellows; and we pledge ourselves to the public in 
general, and the Albany skippers in particular, that the North 
River shall not be set on fire this winter at least, for we shall 
give the authors of that nefarious scheme ample employment for 
some time to come. 



6 A SALMAGUNDI. 



PKOCLAMATION, FEOM THE MILL OF PINDAR 
COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

TO all the young belles who enliven our scene, 
From ripe five-and-forty, to blooming fifteen ; 
Who racket at routs, and who rattle at plays, 
Who visit, and fidget, and dance out their days ; 
Who conquer all hearts with a shot from the eye, 
Who freeze with a frown, and who thaw with a sigh: — 
To all those bright youths who embellish the age, 
Whether young boys, or old boys, or numskull or sage: 
Whether bull dogs, who cringe at their mistress's feet, 
Who sigh and who whine, and who try to look sweet; 
Whether tough dogs, who squat down stock still in a row 
And play wooden gentlemen stuck up for a show; 
Or sad dogs, who glory in running their rigs, 
Now dash in their sleighs, and now whirl in their gigs ; 
Who riot at Dyde's* on imperial champagne, 
And then scour our city — the peace to maintain; 

To whoe'er it concerns or may happen to meet, 
By these presents their worships I lovingly greet, 
Now know ye, that I, Pindar Cockloft, esquire, 
Am laureate, appointed at special desire ; 
A censor, self-dubbed, to admonish the fair, 
And tenderly take the town under my care. 

I'm a ci-devant beau, cousin Launcelot has said — 
A remnant of habits long vanished and dead : 

* Dyde's public-house was in Park Row. It was brought into notice 
by a famous coalition supper of the Burrites and Clintonians. A pamph- 
let was published giving an account of the Dyde Supper. 



POETICAL INTENTIONS. 65 

But still, though my heart dwells with rapture sublime, 
On the fashions and customs which reign'd in my prime, 
I yet can perceive — and still candidly praise, 
Some maxims and manners of these " latter days;" 
Still own that some wisdom and beauty appears, 
Though almost entombed in the rubbish of years. 

No fierce nor tyrannical cynic am I, 
Who frown on each foible I chance to espy; 
Who pounce on a novelty, just like a kite, 
And tear up a victim through malice or spite ; 
Who expose to the scoffs of an ill-natured crew, 
A trembler for starting a whim that is new. 
No, no — I shall cautiously hold up my glass, 
To the sweet little blossoms who heedlessly pass ; 
My remarks not too pointed to wound or offend, 
Nor so vague as to miss their benevolent end: 
Each innocent fashion shall have its full sway; 
New modes shall arise to astonish Broadway: 
Red hats and red shawls still illumine the town, 
And each belle, like a bon-fire, blaze up and down. 

Fair spirits who brighten the gloom of our days, 
Who cheer this dull scene with your heavenly rays, 
No mortal can love you more firmly and true 
From the crown of the head, to the sole of your shoe. 
I'm old fashioned, 'tis true, — but still runs in my heart 
That affectionate stream, to which youth gave the start 
More calm in its current — yet potent in force ; 
Less ruffled by gales — but still steadfast in course. 
Though the lover, enraptured, no longer appears, — 
'Tis the guide and the guardian enlightened by years. 
All ripen'd and mellow'd and soften'd by time, 



66 SALMACxUNDI. 

The asperities polish'd which chafed in my prime ; 

Fm fully prepared for that delicate end, 

The fair one's instructor, companion and friend 

— And should I perceive you in fashion's gay dance, 

Allured by the frippery-mongers of France, 

Expose your weak frames to a chill wintry sky 

To be nipp'd by its frosts, to be torn from the eye ; 

My soft admonitions shall fall on your ear — 

Shall whisper those parents to whom you are dear — 

Shall warn you of hazards you heedlessly run, 

And sing of those fair ones whom frost has undone, 

Bright suns that would scarce on our horizon dawn, 

Ere shrouded from sight, they were early withdrawn ; 

Gay sylphs, who have float in circles below, 

As pure in their souls, and as transient as snow ; 

Sweet roses, that bloom'd and decay'd to my eye, 

And of forms that have flitted and passed to the sky. 

But as to those brainless pert bloods of our town, 

Those sprigs of the ton who run decency down ; 

Who lounge and who lout, and who booby about, 

No knowledge within, and no manners without ; 

Who stare at each beauty with insolent eyes ; 

Who rail at those morals their fathers would prize ; 

Who are loud at the play — and who impiously dare 

To come in their cups to the routs of the fair ; 

I shall hold up my mirror, to let them survey 

The figures they cut as they dash it away : 

Should my good-humored verse no amendment produce, 

Like scarecrows, at least, they shall still be of use ; 

I shall stitch them, in effigy, up in my rhyme, 

And hold them aloft through the progress of time, 



DE. CHRTSTOPIIEE COSTIVE. G7 

As figures of fun to make the folks laugh, 

Like that queer-looking angel erected by Paff, 

" What shtop," as he says, " all de people what come ; 

" What smiles on dem all, and what peats on de trum." 



" How now, mooncalf /" 

WE have been congratulating ourselves exceedingly on hav- 
ing, at length, attracted the notice of a ponderous genius 
of this city, Dr. Christopher Costive, LL. D., etc., who has spoken 
of us in such a manner that we are ten times better pleased than 
ever we were before . It shall never be said of us, that we have 
been out-done in the way of complimenting, and we therefore 
assure Dr. Christopher Costive that, for a Yankee doodle song, 
about " Sister Tabitha," " our Cow," and "dandy," and "sugar- 
candy," and all these jokes of truly Eastern saltness, we know 
no man more " cute " than himself. 

If Dr. Costive Should find fault with having nothing but whipt 
syllabub from us, we promise him that, if circumstances render 
it necessary, we will occasionally give it a little variety by whip- 
ping him up in it as completely as ever a dish of ass's milk was 
whipt up in this world. Our friend seems rather vociferous in 
his demand for a dish of " flummery," and as such a dish is not 
in our bill of fare, we immediately requested our publisher to 
procure us one that would suit our friend's appetite. He has 
brought us " Democracy Unveiled, or Tyranny stripped of the 
garb of Patriotism," by Christopher Costive, LL. D. etc., etc., 
etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. We can now promise our friend to serve 
him up a plentiful dish of flummery from his own shop, whenever 



66 SALMAGUNDI. 

he thinks fit to demand it, and garnished with a little Salmagundi 
for sauce. We hope he will not behave like his prototype, Dr. 
Lampedo, and gag at his own " patent draught." 

Our respected friend appears a little worried that we do not 
write for money. Now this looks ill of Dr. Costive — not that 
we thereby mean to insinuate that Dr. Costive is an ill-looking 
personage ; on the contrary, we think him a great poet, a very 
great poet, the greatest poet of the age, and, considering the 
excessive gravity of his person, we are the more astonished at 
the sublime flights of his fat fancy. To convince him that we 
are disposed to befriend him all in our power, we take this oppor- 
tunity to inform our numerous readers that there is such a man 
as Dr. Christopher Costive, and that he publishes a weakly paper, 
called the " Weekly Inspector," somewhere in this city, and that 
he writes for money* We, therefore, advise " everybody, man, 
woman, and child, that can read, or get anybody to read for 
them, to purchase his paper," where they will find the true 
" bubble and squeak," and " topsy-turvy," which Dr. Costive will 
at any time exchange for money. 

Upon the whole, we consider him a very modest,, decent, good- 
looking big man, who writes for money • being but " half a fish 
and half a monster." 

* The "Weekly Inspector," here alluded to, was a neatly printed 
octavo journal, chiefly political, conducted by Thomas Green Fessenden. 
It was commenced Aug. 30, 1806, and was published in New York 
by Ezra Sargent, 39 Wall street, with the motto from Hamilton : " Of those 
men who have overturned the liberties of republics, the greater number 
have begun their career by paying an obsequious court to the people — 
commencing demagogues and ending tyrants." 

Feb. T, 1S07, a fortnight after its publication, Fessenden notices Salma- 
gundi, a " new literary publication," with an opening fling or two at the 



club of wits who profess themselves supremely indifferent to the recep- 
tion of their work. In the next number but one of the " Inspector " the 
attack is followed up by an article —"Salmagundi — alias Bubble and 
Squeak — again." In reply to the notice of the former which had appeared 
in the interim in Salmagundi, Christopher Caustic raves in his extraor- 
dinary slang at these " frothy productions." " The disease," he says, " is 
becoming epidemic, the fever rising to frenzy, spreading from fool to 
fool ; a numberless number of nameless names, has already caught the 
infection, and from one end of the town to the other, all is nonsense and 
' Salmagundi.'" He calls it 'a mere hodge-podge of train oil and garlic, 
instead of ' Salmagundi.' .... This is, in English, a ' gibe cat,' smoth- 
ered in onions and eaten with fennel, rue, and caraway seed. In fact, 
there was one Huddesford, an English wit, who wrote a poem with that 
are title, which this worst of wizards may have purloined in some of 
their rambles, and thus gained a legal claim to the wit it contains." He 
proposes, to his own great delight, " Silly-kickaby " as a substitute for 
Salmagundi. " Having dispatched ' Salmagundi ' or Silly-kickaby, we come 
next to ' whim-whams and opinions.' What a broken backed metaphor ! 
It is as bad as to have christened your nonsense apple dumpling ; or 
flights of fancy. 

Atque idem jungat vulpes, 
Et mulgeat hircos — 
That is, in English : 

This sorry set of silly shotes, 

Should be employed to milk he-goats, 

Or sent to Carolina bogs, 

To yoke ox-teams of prairie dogs. 

4 Whim whams' is taken by this junto of notables from an English pub- 
lication. ' Launcelot LangstafF,' is a vile daub of a caricature of ' Isaac 
Bickerstaff.' Will Honeycomb sat for ' Anthony Evergreen ;' Will 
Wizard's original may be found in the British classics ; and in short, the 
prototype of every other character, with the exception of a few scurri- 
lous personalities. The work ought to have been styled Silly-kickaby, 
alias tag-locks of common English publications, compiled by Dunderpate, 
Doughhead, Dumpling, and Co., published by Peter Pettyman, sold at the 



TO SALMAGUNDI. 

sign of the Ditch delving driveller, Caughnawaugher slip, dedicated, and 
to be devoted, to a certain goddess." The Doctor ends with abusing the 
metre of Pindar Cockloft, and then asserting that it was stolen from 
" Dr. Caustic's nick-naekatory." 

We shall see in a future number how the Doctor's literary billingsgate 
was followed up in Salmagundi. The " Weekly Inspector " replies in the 
small shot of a handful of " squibs " in his number for March 6, levelled 
at " the lilliputian journal," alluding to the small page of the original 
edition of Salmagundi, and the war dies out. 

The " Inspector" makes his exit at the close of his second volume, Aug. 
22, 1807. 

These mutual random hits and editorial discourtesies of a type 
too common in the annals of literature — these quarrels of authors — 
should be remembered for what they were, the passing nonsense of the 
hour. Thomas Green Fessenden, notwithstanding this nonsensical rav- 
ing, was a man of mark and merit — not only of humor and spirit in the 
comic verses with which he enlivened the newspaper discussions of his 
day, but to be held in memory for his more sober labors in the cause 
of agriculture. There is a very pleasing reminiscence of his later years — 
he died at the age of sixty-six in 1831 — by Nathaniel Hawthorne, in 
which he celebrates " the amiable temper and abstracted habits " of his 
old friend. 



TRAVELLERS. 71 



NO. I V.— TUESDAY, FEBKUAKY, 24, 1807. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

PERHAPS there is no class of men to which the curious 
and literary are more indebted than travellers ; — I mean 
travel-mongers, who write whole volumes about themselves, their 
horses and their servants, interspersed with anecdotes of inn- 
keepers — droll sayings of stage-drivers, and interesting memoirs 
of — the Lord knows who. They will give you a full account of 
a city, its manners, customs, and manufactures; though perhaps 
all their knowledge of it was obtained by a peep from their inn- 
windows, and an interesting conversation with the landlord or 
the waiter. America has had its share of these buzzards ; and 
in the name of my countrymen I return them profound thanks 
for the compliments they have lavished upon us, and the variety 
of particulars concerning our own country, which we should 
never have discovered without their assistance. 

Influenced by such sentiments, I am delighted to find that the 
Cockloft family, among its other whimsical and monstrous pro- 
ductions, is about to be enriched with a genuine travel-writer. 
This is no less a personage than Mr. Jeremy Cockloft, the only 
son and darling pride of my cousin, Mr. Christopher Cockloft. 
I should have said Jeremy Cockloft, the younger, as he so styles 
himself, by way of distinguishing him from II Signore Jeremy 
Cockloftico, a gouty old gentleman who flourished about the 
time that Pliny the elder was smoked to death with the fire and 



72 



SALMAGUNDI. 



brimstone of Vesuvius ; and whose travels, if he ever wrote auy, 
are now lost forever to the world. Jeremy is now in his one- 
and-twentieth year, and a young fellow of wonderful quick parts, 
if you will trust to the word of his father, who, having begotten 
him, should be the best judge of the matter. He is the oracle 
of the family, dictates to his sisters on every occasion, though 
they are some dozen or more years older than himself— and 
never did son give mother better advice than Jeremy. 

As old Cockloft was determined his son should be both a scholar 
and a gentleman, he took great pains with his education, which 
was completed at our university, where he became exceedingly 
expert in quizzing his teachers and playing billiards. No stu- 
dent made better squibs and crackers to blow up the chemical 
professor ; no one chalked more ludicrous caricatures on the 
walls of the college ; and none were more adroit in shaving 
pigs and climbing lightning-rods. He moreover learned all the 
letters of the Greek alphabet ; could demonstrate that water 
never, " of its own accord," rose above the level of its source, 
and that air was certainly the principle of life ; for he had been 
entertained with the humane experiment of a cat, worried to 
death in an air-pump. He once shook down the ash-house, by 
an artificial earthquake ; and nearly blew his sister Barbara, 
and her cat, out of the window with thundering powder. He 
likewise boasts exceedingly of being thoroughly acquainted 
with the composition of Lacedemonian black broth ; and once 
made a pot of it, which had well-nigh poisoned the whole 
family, and actually threw the cook-maid into convulsions. But 
above all, he values himself upon his logic, has the old college 
conundrum of the cat with three tails at his fingers' ends, and 
often hampers his father with his syllogisms, to the great delight 
of the old gentleman ; who considers the major, minor, and con- 



JEREMY COCKLOFT. 73 

elusion, as almost equal iu argument to the pulley, the wedge, 
and the lever, in mechanics. In fact, my cousin Cockloft was 
once nearly annihilated with astonishment, on hearing Jeremy 
trace the derivation of Mango from Jeremiah King; — as Jere- 
miah King, Jerry King ! Jerking, Girkin ! cucumber, Mango ! 
In short, had Jeremy been a student at Oxford or Cambridge, 
he would, in all probability, been promoted to the dignity of a 
senior wrangler. By this sketch I mean no disparagement to 
the abilities of other students of our college, for I have no doubt 
that every commencement ushers into society luminaries full as 
brilliant as Jeremy Cockloft the younger. 

Having made a very pretty speech on graduating, to a nume- 
rous assemblage of old folks and young ladies, who all declared 
that he was a very fine young man, and made very handsome 
gestures, Jeremy was seized with a great desire to see, or rather 
to be seen by the world ; and as his father was anxious to give 
him every possible advantage, it was determined Jeremy should 
visit foreign parts. In consequence of this resolution, he has 
spent a matter of three or four months in visiting strange places; 
and in the course of his travels has tarried some few days at the 
splendid metropolis' of Albany and Philadelphia. 

Jeremy has travelled as every modern man of sense should do ; 
that is, he judges of things by the sample next at hand ; if he 
has ever any doubt on a subject, always decides against the 
city where he happens to sojourn ; and invariably takes home, as 
the standard by which to direct his judgment. 

Going into his room the other day, when he happened to be 
absent, I found a manuscript volume lying on his table ; and 
was overjoyed to find it contained notes and hints for a book of 
travels which he intends publishing. He seems to have taken 
a late fashionable travel-monger for his model, and I have no 



74 SALMAGUNDI. 

doubt his work will be equally instructive and amusing with that 
of his prototype. The following are some extracts, which may 
not prove uninteresting to my readers. 



MEMORANDUMS FOR A TOUR TO BE ENTITLED " THE 
STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY ; OR, COCKNEY TRAVEL- 
LING." * 

BY JEEEMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 



CHAPTER I. 

THE man in the moon f — preparations for departure — hints 
to traveller about packing their trunks J — straps, buckles, 
and bed-cords — case of pistols, a la cockmy — five trunks, three 

* It is not a little singular, that this mode of ridiculing the gossiping 
productions of Sir John Carr, and other tourists of the day, should have 
been successfully adopted almost at the same moment by two writers 
placed in different and distant quarters of the globe. " My Pocket Book" 
appeared in London only two or three weeks after the publication of 
these " Memorandums" in New York — so that neither writer could possibly 
have borrowed from the other — and by its ingenious pleasantry and poign- 
ant satire, crushed a whole host of book-making tourists, with the luckless 
knight at their head. — Paris Ed. This matter is again referred to at the 
close of No. XIII. 

f Vide Carr's Stranger in Ireland. John Carr, Esq., of the Honorable 
Society of the Middle Temple, wrote several slip-slop entertaining books 
of travel, "A Northern Summer," " The Stranger in France," and " The 
Stranger in Ireland, a Tour in 1805." The last appears to have been pop- 
ular in America. It reached its third edition from the New York press 
of Eiley, this very year, 1807. 

% Vide Weld. Isaac Weld travelled through the United States in 
1795-7. 



THE STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY. 75 

bandboxes, a cocked hat, and a medicine-chest, a la Frangaise 
— parting advice of my two sisters — quere, why old maids are 
so particular in their cautions against naughty women — descrip- 
tion of Powles-Hook ferry-boats — might be converted into gun- 
boats, and defend our ports equally well with Albany sloops — 
Brom, the black ferryman — Charon — river Styx — ghosts ; — 
Major Hunt — good story — ferriage nine-pence ; — city of Harsi- 
mus — built on the spot where the folk once danced on their 
stumps, while the devil fiddled — quere, why do the Harsimites 
talk Dutch ? — story of the Tower of Babel, and confusion of 
tongues — get into the stage — driver a wag — famous fellow for 
runniug stage races — killed three passengers and crippled nine 
in the course of his practice — philosophical reasons why stage- 
drivers love grog— causeway — ditch on each side for folk to 
tumble into — famous place for skilly-pots; Philadelphians call 
'em tarapins — roast them under the ashes as we do potatoes — 
queer, may not this be the reason that the Philadelphians are 
all turtle-heads ? — Hackensack bridge — good painting of a blue 
horse jumping over a mountain — wonder who it was painted by; 
— mem. to ask the Baron de Gusto about it on my return 
Rattle-snake Hill, so called from abounding with butterflies 
salt marsh, surmounted here and there by a solitary hay-stack — 
more tarapins — wonder why the Philadelphians don't establish 
a fishery here, and get a patent for it — bridge jver the Passaic 
— rate of toll — description of toll-boards — tollman had but- one 
eye — story how it is possible he may have lost the other — pence- 
table, etc.* 

* Vide Carr. 



76 • SALMAGUNDI. 



CHAPTER II. 

Newark — noted for its fine breed of fat musquitoes — sting- 
through the thickest boots * — story about Gallynippers — Archy 
Gilford and his man Caliban — -jolly fat fellows — a knowing tra- 
veller always judges of everything by the inn-keepers and 
waiters f — set down Newark people all fat as butter — learned 
dissertation on Archy Gilford's green coat, with philosophical 
reasons why the Newarkites wear wear red worsted nightcaps, 
and turn their noses to the south when the wind blows — Newark 
academy full of windows — sunshine excellent to make little boys 
grow — Elizabethtown — fine girls — vile mosquitoes — plenty of 
oysters — quere, have oysters any feeling ? — good story about the 
fox catching them by his tail — ergo, foxes might be of great use 
in the pearl fishery — landlord member of the legislature — treats 
everybody who has a vote-— mem. all the inn-keepers members 
of the legislature in New Jersey ; Bridge-town, vulgarly called 
Spank-toion, from a story of quondam parson and his wife — real 
name, according to Linkum Fidelius, Bridge-town, from bridge, 

* Vide Weld. " General "Washington," says Weld, " told me that he 
never was so much annoyed by mosquitoes in any part of America, as in 
Skenesborough, for that they used to bite through the thickest boot." 

f Vide Carr; vide Moore; vide Weld; vide Parkinson; vide Priest. 
Richard Parkinson, late of Orange Hill, near Baltimore, published in 
London, 1805, his tour in America, in 1*798-1800, exhibiting sketches of 
Society and Manners, and a particular account of the American system 
of agriculture, etc. William Priest, who signs himself on the title page 
of his book, " Musician, late of the theatres Philadelphia, Baltimore, 
and Boston," travelled in the United States between the year 1793 and 
1*797, and published his journals in London, in a thin^ octavo in 1802. 
Vide Linkum Fidelius, and vide Messrs. Tag, Rag, and Bobtail. 



DE OMNIBUS REBUS. 77 

a contrivance to get dry shod over a river or brook ; and town, 
an appellation given in America to the accidental assemblage of 
a church, a tavern, and a blacksmith's shop — Linkum as right 
as my left leg ; — Rahway River — good place for gunboats — 
wonder why Mr. Jefferson don't send a river fleet here, to protect 
the hay-vessels ? — Woodbridge — landlady mending her husband's 
breeches — sublime apostrophe to conjugal affection and the fair 
sex ;* — Woodbridge famous for its crab-fishery — sentimental 
correspondence between a crab and a lobster — digression to 
Abelarde and Eloisa ; — mem. when the moon is in Pisces, she 
plays the devil with the crabs. 

CHAPTER III. 

Brunswick — oldest town in the state — division line between 
two counties in the middle of the street ; — posed a lawyer with 
the case of a man standing with one foot in each county — 
wanted to know in which he was domicil — lawyer couldn't tell 
for the soul of him ; — mem. all the New Jersey lawyers nums ; 
— Miss Hay's boarding-school — young ladies not allowed to eat 
mustard — and why ? — fat story of a mustard-pot, with a good 
saying of Ding-Dong's ; — Yernon's tavern — fine place to sleep, 
if the noise would let you — another Caliban ! — Yernon slew-eyed 
— people of Brunswick, of course, all squint ; — Drake's tavern 
— fine old blade — wears square buckles in his shoes — tells 
bloody long stories about last war — people, of course, all do 
the same ; — Hook'em Snivy, the famous fortune-teller, born here 
— contemporary with Mother Shoulders — particulars of his 
history — died one day — lines to his memory, which found their 

* Vide the Sentimental Kotzebue. 



78 SALMAGUNDI. 

way into my pocketbook ;* — melancholy reflections on the death 
of great men — beautiful epitaph on myself. 

CHAPTER IV. 

Princeton — college — professors wear boots ! — students famous 
for their love of a jest — set the college on fire, and burnt out 
the professors ; an excellent joke, but not worth repeating — 
mem. American students very much addicted to burning down 
colleges — reminds me of a good story, nothing at all to the 
purpose — two societies in the college — good notion — encourages 
emulation, and makes little boys fight ; — students famous for 
their eating and erudition — saw two at the tavern, who had just 
got their allowance of spending money — laid it all out in a 
supper — got fuddled, and d — d the professors for nincoms. N.B. 
Southern gentlemen — Churchyard — apostrophe to grim death 
— saw a cow feeding on a grave — metempsychosis — who knows 
but the cow may have been eating up the soul of one of my 
ancestors — made me melancholy and pensive for fifteen minutes - r 
— man planting cabbagesf — wondered how he could plant them 
so straight — method of mole-catching— and all that — query, 
whether it would not be a good notion to ring their noses as 
we do pigs' — mem. to propose it to the American Agricultural 
Society — get a premium perhaps — commencement — students 
give a ball and supper — company from New York, Philadelphia, 

* Vide Carr and Blind Bet ! Carr, in his travels, meets on the road- 
side in Wales, a stone-blind woman supporting herself and infirm mother 
by the sale of gloves and stockings. The traveller perpetrates some 
verses on the occasion, which he introduces in this ludicrous fashion : 
"Upon her quitting us, the .following lines found their way into my 
pocket book !" 

\ Vide Carr. 



ET QTTIBUSDAM ALUS. 79 

and Albany — great contest which spoke the best English — 
Albanians vociferous in their demand for sturgeon — Philadel- 
phians gave the preference to raccoon * and splacnuncs f — gave 
them a long dissertation on the phlegmatic nature of a goose's 
gizzard — students can't dance — always set off with the wrong 
foot foremost — Duport's opinion on that subject — Sir Christopher 
Hatton the first man who ever turned out his toes in dancing — 
favorite with Queen Bess on that account — Sir Walter Raleigh 
— good story about his smoking — his descent into New Spain — 
El Dorado — Candide — Dr. Pangloss — Miss Cunegunde — earth- 
quake at Lisbon — Baron of Thundertentronck J — Jesuits — 
Monks — Cardinal Woolsey — Pope Joan — Tom Jefferson — Tom 

Paine, and Tom the whew ! N.B. Students got drunk as 

usual. 

CHAPTER V. 

Left Princeton — country finely diversified with sheep and 
hay-stacks§ — saw a man riding alone in a wagon! why the 
deuce didn't the blockhead ride in a chair ? fellow must be 
a fool — particular account of the construction of wagons, carts, 
wheelbarrows, and quail-traps — saw a large flock of crows — 
concluded there must be a dead horse -in the neighborhood — 
mem. country remarkable for crows — won't let the horses die in 

* Vide Priest. "At two," says Priest, "the Philadelphians dine on 
what is usual in England, both a variety of American dishes, such as 
bear, opossum, raccoon, etc!" 

f Gulliver is announced by the town crier in Brobdingnag as " a strange 
creature to be seen at the sign of the Green Eagle, not so big as a splac- 
nuck, an animal in that country very finely shaped, about six feet long." 

\ Jeremy Cockloft appears, in this enumeration, to have come from a 
recent perusal of Voltaire's Candide. 

§ Vide Carr. 



80 SALMAGUNDI. 

peace — anecdote of a jury of crows — stopped to give the horses 
water — good-looking man came up and asked me if I had seen 
his wife ? heavens ! thought I, how strange it is that this virtuous 
man should ask me about his wife — story of Cain and Abel — 
stage-driver took a swig — mem. set down all the people as drunk- 
ards — old house had moss on the top — swallows built in the roof 
— better place than old men's beards — story about that — deriva- 
tion of words hippy, hippy, hippy, and shoo-pig* — negro driver 
could not write his own name — languishing state of literature 
in this country;"}* philosophical inquiry of 'Sbidlikens, why the 
Americans are so much inferior to the nobility of Cheapside and 
Shore-ditch, and why they do not eat plum-pudding on Sundays — 
superfine reflections about anything. 

CHAPTER VI. 

Trenton — built above the head of navigation to encourage 
commerce — capital of the State — only wants a castle, a bay, 

* Vide Carr's learned derivation of gee and whoe. 

f Moore: 

Is this the region then, is this the clime 
For soaring fancies? for those dreams sublime, 
Which all their miracles of light reveal 
To heads that meditate and hearts that feel ? 
Alas ! not so — the Muse of nature lights 
Her glories round ; she scales the mountain heights, 
And roams the forests ; every wondrous spot 
Burns with her step, yet man regards it not. 
She whispers round, her words are in the air, 
But lost, unheard, they linger freezing there, 
Without one breath of soul, divinely strong, 
One ray of mind, to thaw them into song. 
Epistle to the Hon. W. R. Spencer, from Buffalo, upon Lake Erie. 



OF STURGEONS. 81 

a mountain, a sea, and a volcano, to bear a strong resem- 
blance to the bay of Naples* — supreme court sitting — fat chief 
justice — used to get asleep on the bench after dinner — gave 
judgment, I suppose, like Pilate's wife, from his dreams — reminded 
me of Justice Bridlegoose deciding by a throw of a die, and of 
the oracle of the holy bottlef — attempted to kisS the chamber- 
maid — boxed my ears till they rung like our theatre-bell — girl 
had lost one tooth — mem. all the American ladies prudes, and 
have bad teeth; Anacreon Moore's opinion on the matter. 
State-house — fine place to see the sturgeons jump up — quere, 
whether sturgeons jump up by an impulse of the tail, or whether 
they bounce up from the bottom by the elasticity of their noses 
Linkum Fidelius of the latter opinion — I too — sturgeon's nose 
capital for tennis-balls — learnt that at school — went to a ball — ■ 
negro wench principal musician! N. B. People of America 
have no fiddlers but females! — origin of the phrase, " fiddle of 
your heart" — reasons why men fiddle better than women; expe- 
dient of the Amazons who were expert at the bow; waiter at 
the city tavern — good story of his — nothing to the purpose — 
never mind — fill up my book like Carr — make it sell. Saw a 
democrat get into a stage followed by his dog. J N. B. This 
town remarkable for dogs and democrats — superfine sentiment § 
— good story from Joe Miller — ode to a piggin of butter — pen- 

* Carr. 

f Rabelais' Judge Bridlegoose and famous Oracle. There was a slight 
difficulty in the Judge's method of decision, "he was become old and 
his sight of late was very much failed, and become dimmer than it was 
wont to be ; by reason of which infirmity he was not able so distinctly 
and clearly to discern the points of the dice as formerly he had been 
accustomed to do." 

\ Moore. § Carr. 

4* 



82 SALMAGUNDI. 

sive meditations on a mouse-hole — make a book as clear as 
whistle ! 



FKOM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

IHAYE observed a particular intimacy for these few days 
past between that dry wag Will Wizard and my cousin 
Pindar. The latter has taken his winter quarters at old Cock- 
loft's, in the corner room opposite mine, in order to be at hand 
and overlook the town. They hardly gave themselves time, on 
Sunday last, to wait for the family toast of " our absent friends " 
before they adjourned to Pindar's chamber. In the course of an 
hour my cousin's enormous mandarine inkstand was sent down to 
be replenished. I began to be seriously alarmed, for I thought 
if they had exhausted its contents without exhausting their sub- 
ject, there was no knowing where it would end. 

On returning to tea, my cousin Pindar was observed to rub 
his hands, a sure sign that something tickled his fancy ; he how- 
ever maintained as mysterious a countenance as a seventh ward 
politican. As to Will Wizard, he took longer strides than 
usual, his inflexible phiz had an uncommonly knowing air, and a 
sagacious wink occasionally betrayed that he had more in his 
head than he chose to communicate. The whole family (who in 
truth are much given to wonder at everything) were sadly puz- 
zled to conjecture what their two precious noddles had been 
bothering about. 

In the evening, after I had retreated to my citadel, the elbow- 
chair, I was surprised by the abrupt entrance of these two wor- 
thies. My cousin opened the budget at once : he declared that 



A ROD IN PICKLE. 83 

it was as necessary for a modern poet to have an assistant, as 
for Don Quixote to have a Sancho — that it was the fashion for 
poets, now-a-days, to write so ineffably obscure, that every line 
required a page of notes to explain its meaning, and render its 
" darkness visible " — that a modern poem could no more succeed 
without notes, than a paper kite could fly without a tail. In a 
word, Pegasus had become a most mulish animal, and would not 
budge a foot, unless he lumbered along a cart-load of quotations 
and explanations, and illustrations at his heels : he had there- 
fore prevailed on Will Wizard to assist him occasionally as 
annotator and illustrator. As a specimen of their united labors, 
he handed me the following complimentary ode to that king of 
the buzzards, Dr. Christopher Costive, informing' me that he 
had plenty more on hand whenever occasion required it. I had 
been rather surprised lately at the Doctor's meddling with us, as 
he was sure of gaining more kicks than coppers in return ; but 
I am told an ass loves to have his muzzle scratched with nettles. 
On expressing my surprise, Will informed me that it was all a 
sham battle ; that he was very intimate with the Doctor, and 
could relate a thousand diverting anecdotes concerning him ; 
and that the Doctor, finding we were in want of a butt, had 
generously volunteered himself as our target. I wish him joy 
of his bargain. 

In the following poem it will be observed that, while my cou- 
sin Pindar tunes his pipe on the top of the page, Will Wizard 
worries away at his thorough bass below. The notes of a 
modern poem being like the sound of a French horn, bassoon, 
kettle-drum, and bass-viol, in our orchestra, which make such a 
confounded racket, that they entirely drown the song ; and no 
man, who has not the sublime ear of a connoisseur, can tell 
what the devil the they're playing. 



84: SALMAGUNDI. 

FLUMMERY. 

PROM THE MILL l OP PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

Being a Poem, with Notes, or rather Notes with a Poem ; 2 jn the manner of 

DOCTOR 3 CHRISTOPHER COSTIVE. 



" Prick me BuU calf till he roars." 4 

Falstaff. 

THE greatest 5 poet of our day, 
From State of Maine to Louisiana ; s 
The hero who did 'sist upon't, 
He wou'dn't be deputy to Mr. Hunt ; 7 

NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

1 Mill.'] As we are not a little anxious to cultivate the intimacy so hap- 
pily commenced between the Doctor and ourselves, we feel bound in can- 
dor to confess the charge made against us, of having borrowed from him 
some of the phrases and ideas of our last number ; and we justify our- 
selves by attributing it to our high regard for his talents : for what can 
be a greater proof of friendship, now a days, than borrowing ? If we were 
his enemies, we might justify it by the old maxim of " foiling the devil 
with his own weapons. As so the " mill," which the Doctor so vocife- 
rously claims, honest Pindar acknowledges that he borrowed the idea 
from the Doctor's writings in general, for he never dipped in them with- 
out thinking of our nocturnal music-grinder, who continually grinds over 
and over the same sleepy tune of, " Oh, hard is my fate." 

2 Notes with a Poem.] Whatever merit may appear in this Poem, my 
friend Cockloft must own that it is entirely owing to his close adherence 
to his big prototype, Dr. Caustic. The rhymes are generally borrowed 
from the Doctor's own works, possessing all that quaintness, cuteness 
and clumsiness, for which he is remarkable. As the lesser thing should 



FLUMMERY. 85 

Who rear'd a gallows for each elf, and 
Did for hangman his own self stand. 8 
And made folks think it very odd, he 
Should turn Jack Ketch to everybody, 

always depend upon the greater, we have rather inverted the usual title 
of such works, and made the poem minor. We recommend the Doctor's 
mode of compiling a book to all the nums of the day — as an example, we 
instance his " Terrible Tractoration," of which, as few buy, and still fewer 
read it (a proof that the town are not quite such fools as the Doctor 
would make them), we shall say little. The book was smothered in notes, 
like a goose in onions — some ill-natured cynics have asserted that what 
little whim the work contained, lay entirely in the notes, which we are 
sorry to say were not written by the Doctor ; his poem might therefore 
be said to resemble the leg of a stool, dressed up with savory sauce ; or, 
as the Doctor will understand it better, that famous dish called pumpkin- 
pie, where, though the pumpkin gives the name to the dish, yet the great 
skill of the cook is to hide the twang of it as much as possible with spice 
and sugar. 

3 Doctor.] The Doctor, we are told, was not bred a physician; nor 
was he indebted for his appellation to a gratuitous donation from any 
university, as Doctor of Laws — he was humorously so dubbed by his 
neighbors in Vermont, on account of having once benevolently phy- 
sicked a sick horse — his works bear testimony to his drenching abilities; 
and we may justly apply to him an unlucky epigram,written on a brother 
quack in physic and poetry : 

" For physic and farces 
His equal there scarce is— ■ 
His farces are physic — 
His physic a farce is." 

4 Prick bull-calf, etc.~\ We had not the least expectation that our no- 
tice of Doctor Costive, in the last number, would have put him into such 
an indecent passion. Bless us how he has roared ! and like Falstaff not 
only roared but " ran and roared " — 



86 SALMAGUNDI. 

This modern mounter of Pegasus, 

This clumsy jolter of Jackasses, 9 

Who, now the poet's dray horse starts on, 

Anon, the gibbet hurdle carts on, 

" unpack' d his heart with words, 



And fell a cursing — like a very drab ! 
A scullion!" 

He has given us a most woeful scolding through some eight or nine 
columns, and plainly proved that our work was not worth a fig, because 
" Salmagundi" had been heretofore given as a title to another work — 
Launcelot Langstaff was evidently copied from Isaac Bickerstaff, because 
they both ended with staff — "Whim-Whams" was the same as "Flim- 
Flams" — " Will Wizard" was taken from — the lord knows where; Win- 
try was accidentally mispelled or misprinted Winter y, and " Weakly " 
was borrowed from his own Weakly productions. Oh, Midas, Midas, 
how thine ears do loom through the fog of thy writings. When a man 
of the Doctor's gumption can write nine columns against our work, and 
discover no greater faults, we may well be vain — were we to criticise our 
own writings, they would stand a much poorer chance. In spite of the 
Doctor's crustiness we still love him in our hearts — he may scold like an 
old woman, but we know it all arises from that excessive irritability com- 
mon to all men who have " written a book," and particularly a book of dog- 
gerel rhymes. We again assure him of our perfect good will toward him- 
self and his most amiable offspring, that delectable pair of twin brothers, 
Terrible Tractoration and Democracy Unveiled. May the whole world in 
general, and posterity in particular, know the proper distinction between 
Hudibrastic and Doggerel, and acquit the Doctor from the imputation 
meanly levelled against him by sundry nincoms of imitating Hudibras. 
We are sorry that he should ever have been thought capable of descend- 
ing to be a copyist, and we challenge the whole world to deny that the 
Doctor's verse is doggerel, genuine broken winded, rickety doggerel, 
whatever his enemies may insist to the contrary. The Doctor's waggery, 
however, like that of many other double-headed wits, seems often to 
have been taken by the wrong end. On the first appearance of his Terri- 



TERRIBLE TRACTORATION. 87 

jSow o'er a poem dozes happy, 

And next expertly draws the cap ; he 

Who cares not though the world should know it 

That he's half hangman, half a poet. 10 

ble Tractoration, the critics were absolutely at a loss, such was the deli- 
cacy of his wit, to say whether he Avas the champion or opponent of 
Perkinism. Thus the Critical Review for 1803: "His real object can- 
not always be ascertained — we think him, however, the friend of the 
Tractors." Either the Doctor or the critic must have been a dunder 
head — we charitably suppose the critic. The Doctor afterward, like 
" John-a-Gudgeon " in the Pleader's Guide, explained, and his explana- 
tion proved so perfectly satisfactory that there were very few of the 
reviewers but could tell, or at least guess at his object. The fact was, 
the Doctor, good inoffensive soul, did not mean to attack anything — ex- 
cept common sense. We recommend this work as a soporific specimen 
of the Doctor's skill in balderdash. 

5 Greatest poet.] Great is sometimes a positive, sometimes a figurative 
term — as we say a. great man, a great mountain, or when speaking of the 
Doctor, great man mountain — having no allusion here to the mountain 
which brought forth a mouse. When, however, we speak of the Doctor 
as a great man or great poet, we mean to be understood that he is some 
six feet six inches high — three feet across the shoulders, nine round the 
paunch — that he weighs about half a ton, and is withal most clumsily 
hung together. 

6 Louisiana.] Though we plume ourselves on adhering closely to the 
Doctor's rhymes, yet we have taken the liberty of differing a little in the 
pronunciation of this word — the Doctor gives it in the true eastern dia- 
lect, Lousy-anee — but to give it d-la- Costive — 

" Which late, His said, in weather rainy, 
Was melted in Louisiana. , ' 

Again : for when the Doctor gets hold of a good rhyme, he is -a 
" woundy toad" for harping on it. 



88 SALMAGUNDI. 

Who gibbeted the knaves so knowing, 
That kept Democracy a-going, 
Hung his facsimile famed Toney " 
Pasquin, the friend of Mr. Hone. 

But please his highness ship, I won't 

Be deputy to Mr. Hunt : 

No — were it offered 'twould be vain, he 

Won't catch me in Louisiana, (or Lousy-anee.) 

These two latter lines are truly as musical as marrowbones and 
cleavers, and remind us of that sweet couplet, by the Doctor's rival, the 
inimitable Searson : 

From this seat I pass' d to Alexandria, 

And am pleased through rural scenes to wander. 

Sear. Mount Ver. 

If our reader wishes for more specimens of the Doctor's knack at rhym- 
ing, we'll give him the oft-repeated tags of " rogues and demagogues," 
" brewing and ruin," " wildering and children," " women and common," 
" trimming and women," " well-knows and fellows," " comparison and 
harass' d-em ;" together with an occasional mixture of those attic eastern 
jingles of u dandy and handy" and *' sugar candy." The Doctor and 
Searson's poetic contest is similar to one that whilom took place between 
two honest tars (we beg the gentle Joe Miller's pardon for borrowing an 
anecdote), one gave as prize couplet : 

As she slips she slides along, 

A faithful friend is hard to find. 

but the other rhymester beat him all hollow by singing out, 

" My quart pot holds a gallon, 
By zounds." 

7 Deputy to Mr. Hunt.] Mr. Hunt was a little man and a young man ; 
the Doctor, although of the same age, feeling the immensity of his quali- 
fications, refuses to second such a governor, urging his size, and like Billy 



NIGGLETY-NAGGLETY LINES. 89 

Who drags like snail his filthy slime 
Through many a ragged, hobbling rhyme, 
Then calls his billingsgate — sarcastic ! 
His drabbling doggrel — Hudibrastie ! 

Bugby, alleging that what he wanted in years he made up in bulk ; and 
if he lacked in brains, he atoned for all in garbage. 

8 Did for hangman, etc.] How the Doctor ever came to stumble on 
this unhappy idea, we are at a loss to imagine — it is an odd " whim- 
wham," for a fellow to dnb himself with the humorous epithet of hang- 
man. " We would not have his enemies say so." Whether the Doctor 
has a hanging look or no, we leave others to determine. We are certain 
he is in no danger of the gallows himself; but we warn him to take care 
how he visits Connecticut — he may chance to be burnt for a witch. We 
give the Doctor's own claim to his Tyburn title. 

Now since ye are a ruffian crew, 

As honest Jack Ketch ever knew ; 

No threats nor growling shall prohibit 

My hanging you on satire's gibbet. Vide Costive. 

9 This clumsy jolter of jackasses.'] As this line partakes of the true Cos- 
tive obscurity, we beg leave to explain. There is no intention of calling 
the Doctor a jackass, we only mean that he makes an ass of Pegasus, 
and even when on poor Pegasus (so degraded) he is but a miserable 
rider. His trotting, pacing, nigglety-nagglety lines, put us often in mind 
of that pious but quaint expression about the " devil riding rough shod 
over a soul." 

10 Half a poet.] Oh, fie ! friend Cockloft, this savors of sheer envy. 
Were there any doubts of the Doctor's being a whole poet — aye, and a 
big poet, the following verse would set them at rest. It shows that he is 
a complete jockey on Pegasus ; and when the poor nag won't pace, he'll 
cudgel him as soundly as he does his own brains : 

Yes, we were 'raptured when he said 

We're all republican, all fed- 

Kal fellow-citizens, Americans, 

And hoped we'd done with factions' hurricanes I— Costive. 



90 SALMAGUNDI. 

[Good lack, my friends, 'twould make you soon " 

laugh, 
To see this jolter-headed moon-calf, 
From Hudibras his honors steal 
And break Sam Butler on the wheel.] 1$ 

Is this poetic frenzy (alias idiotism), or is it turgid stupidity ? Truly 
it is as smooth as a pine-log causeway ; it confirms the Doctor's right to 
his sir-name, and can only be matched by a stave from the Doctor's con- 
temporary bard and rival rhymester, Searson — videlicet : 

From house to house soon took my departure, 
And to the garden look' 'd for sweet nature. 
The fishing very great at Mount Vernon, 
When there with other scenes I look' d upon. 
This pleasing seat hath its prospects so high, 
That one would think 'twas for astronomy 
' Twould answer for an observatory. 



*:\ 



The reader will perceive the similarity in taste, style, and ear of these 
rival poets. I have their works bound up together, and Minshull's into 
the bargain. It shall go hard but they shall all descend the gutter of 
immortality together. 

11 His facsimile famed Toney.~\ The Doctor's abusing poor Toney Pas- 
quin, brought forcibly to our recollection the vulgar cant saying about 
the pot and the kettle. Perhaps no two of the great poets of the day 
are more alike, in most particulars, than Doctor Costive and honest To- 
ney. The Doctor is a true poetic blackguard — and so is Toney. The 
Doctor is an adept in the Billingsgate vocabulary — so is Toney. The 
Doctor has bespattered many a poor devil who never offended him — so 
has Toney. The Doctor has written a book — so has Toney. It may be 
said of each of them : 

" We will not rake the dunghill for his crimes, 
Who knows the man will never read his rhymes. 1 " 

The only particular in which they disagree is, that Toney has occasion- 
ally been convicted of saying a good thing — the gentle stupidity of the 
Doctor being entirely innocent of anything of the kind. 



BUBBLE AND SQUEAK. 91 

With other things that I might tell ye on 
Performed by this rump-fed hellion 14 
— But not o'er long to dwell upon't, 
This man as big as an elephant, 15 

" Oh, here's another pumpion, the cramm'd son of a starved usurer, 
Cacafogo. Both their brains buttered cannot make two spoonsful." — 
Rule a Wife. 

12 Soon.'] This word is entirely unnecessary to the sense, and is 
dragged in for no other purpose whatever but to eke out the line, in 
humble imitation of a dull, but honest expedient, frequently made use of 
by the illustrious Searson, and his great rival, Doctor Costive. 

13 And break, etc.] It has for some time been a trick with many a 
sleepy scribbler, beside the Doctor, though now it has grown rather noto- 
rious, to break their crabbed lines with a "fist or stick," or a crow-bar, 
and then term their chopped hay Hudibrastic — thus is poetry daily put on 
the rack ; and thus is poor Butler crucified every hour. 

11 Rump-fed hellion.] Lest the Doctor should here again accuse us of 
borrowing — a thing, by the by, we strongly suspect him of, as we think we 
can discover that many of his thoughts, and certainly some of his rhymes, 
are borrowed from the immortal Searson and the inimitable Minshull — we 
acknowledge that we are indebted for this line to Shakspeare. Whether 
the term rump-fed applies to the Doctor or not, we cannot exactly tell ; 
but if we were not afraid of swelling our notes, we would, following the 
example of the Doctor in his Democracy Unveiled, give our readers an 
account of the famous rump parliament — and truly 'twould be as much 
in point as most of the notes in that celebrated work. 

Hellion. " A deputy scullion employed in regions below ' to cook up 
the broth.' " — Link. Fid. The Doctor, good man, has employed himself, 
while on earth, as far as his weakly powers would go, in stewing up many 
a woeful kettle of fish. 

" Double, double, toil and trouble, 
Fire burn, and chaldron bubble.'" 

Shakspeare must certainly have had the Doctor's weekly mess of bubble 
and squeak in view, when he wrote the above. 



92 SALMAGUNDI. 

This sweetest witling of the age, 19 

This hero, hangman, critic, sage, 17 

This poet of five hundred pound 18 

Has come to grace our hapless town. 

And when he entered, every goose 

Began to cackle like the deuce ; 

The asses brayed to one another — 

'Twas plain — the creatures smelt a brother. 

15 As big as an elephant.'] There is more truth than poetry in this 
comparison. The following curious anecdote was told me by the Doctor 
himself, when I breakfasted with him the other morning : The elephant 
which travelled lately through our country, was shown in New England ; 
two simple country girls, desirous of seeing what kind of a beast it was, 
applied for admittance. On entering the room, the Doctor, who was 
stooping to tie his shoe-string with his back toward them, was for a mo- 
ment taken for the elephant ! They declared it was a clumsy creature — 
" they could not make head nor tail of it." No wonder, poor things, the 
critics were as much puzzled themselves, as we have already shown. 

16 Sweetest witling.'] A poetic license, the Doctor certainly being none 
of the sweetest of personages. Many a fair flower, however, springs out 
of a dung-hill — and the Doctor is not the first poet who has written a 
sweet song in "marvellous dirty linen." 

17 This hero, hangman, etc.] 

All hushed in mute attention sit, 
To hear this critic, poet, wit, 
Philosopher, all, all at once, 
And to complete them, all this dunce. 

Lloyd. 

18 Five hundred pound.] i.e. five hundred pounds weight ; or in true 
avoirdupois, 4 cwt. .1 qu 24 lbs. 



POETIC DIVING. 93 

GENERAL REMARK. 

We have endeavored to copy the Doctor's style and manner 
as correctly as possible throughout this charming poem ; the 
rhymes are chiefly "filched" from his own labors, and jingle as 
harmoniously as sleigh bells — like him, we have sometimes risen 
and sometimes descended, with all his leaden profundity. Some 
poets sip in the heliconian stream, others dabble in it. The 
Doctor exceeds them all — he has a true poetic diving bell — 
plunges boldly to the bottom, and there drabbles in the mud 
like a flounder. In the gallows part of his poem, the Doctor 
may truly be said to rise ; and in our touch on the Hellion, we 
have almost equalled those profound sinkings of his genius, 
where the Doctor even descends below himself. We conclude 
with borrowing a speech from old Shakspeare — " Give me thy 
hand," Doctor, "I am sorry I beat thee ; but while thou livest, 
keep a good tongue in thy head." 

NOTICE. 

While in a " state militant," waging war with folly and stu- 
pidity, and assailed on all sides by a combination of nincoms and 
numsculls, we are gratified to find that our careless effusions 
have received the approbation of men of wit and genius. We 
have expressed heretofore our contempt for the applause of the 
million, but we confess ourselves ambitious of the praises the few; 
we have read, therefore, with infinite self-congratulation the 
encomiums passed on our productions by the learned and liberal 
editor of the " People's Friend." The attacks of that billingsgate 
droll, Dr. Costive, and his whole North River fraternity, could 
not give us greater delight. We also publish with pride the 



94: SALMAGUNDI. 

following Card from the authors of "The Echo,"* a work 
which we have commended to a conspicuous post in our library, 
and we do hereby shake its authors by the hand as a set of 
right merry wags, choice spirits, and, what we think better than 
all, genuine humorists. 

CARD. 

" The authors of ' The Echo ' send a copy of it to the writers 
of ' Salmagundi,' which they request them to accept, as a mark 
of the pleasure they have received from their Cervantic effu- 
sions." 

Now we are in the humor of card writing, we would acknow- 
ledge the reception of several effusions in prose and verse, which, 
though they do great credit to the writers, and would doubtless 
be both pleasing and instructing to the public, yet do not come 
exactly within the intention of our work; the authors, therefore, 
will excuse our not publishing them. 

"We have likewise received a note written in a French hand, 
but in villainous bad English. Will Wizard has been at much 
pains to decipher it, but in vain; it is as unintelligible as a 
Herculanean manuscript. He has discovered, however, that it 
is a vindication of dancing, together with a long eulogy on the 
pas de chat. 

As a considerable part of this paper is taken up with a stu- 
pid subject, viz., the Doctor, and we do not wish that our 
readers should pay for " flummery " merely, we have directed 
our publisher to give them eight pages extra ; this will account 

* The famous production of the Hartford wits, Alsop, Dwight, Hop- 
kins & Co. 



A DEOLL DOG. 95 

for the unusual size of the present number. We confess we 
borrowed this- idea, among many others, from the Doctor, who 
lately finding that his readers were dissatisfied with the contents 
of his "weakly" paper, endeavored to put them in good humor 
by doubling its bulk ; this he waggishly enough terms doubling 
the dose — oh, the droll dog* ! 



&6 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. Y.-SATUKDAY, MARCH 7, 1807. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIK. 

THE following letter from my friend Mustapha appears to 
have been written some time subsequent to the one already- 
published. Were I to judge from its contents, I should suppose 
it was suggested by the splendid review of the twenty-fifth of 
last November, when a pair of colors were presented at the City 
Hall, to the regiments of artillery ; and when a huge dinner 
was devoured by our corporation, in the honorable remembrance 
of the evacuation of this city. I am happy to find that the 
laudable spirit of military emulation which prevails in our city 
has attracted the attention of a stranger of Mustapha's 
sagacity ; by military emulation I mean that spirited rivalry in 
the size of a hat, the length of a feather, and the gingerbread 
finery of a sword-belt. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, TO 
ABD ALLAH EB'N AL RAHAB, SURNAMED THE SNORER, 
MILITARY SENTINEL AT THE GATE OF HIS HIGHNESS 1 
PALACE. 

THOU hast heard, oh Abdallah, of the great magician, 
Muley Fuz, who could change a blooming land blessed 
with all the elysian charms of hill and dale, of glade and grove, 



THE BATTERY. 97 

of fruit and flower, into a desert, frightful,' solitary, and forlorn ; 
who, with the wave of his wand could transform even the 
disciples of Mahomet into grinning apes and chattering monkeys. 
Surely, thought I to myself this morning, the dreadful Muley 
has been exercising his infernal enchantments on these unhappy 
infidels. Listen, oh Abdallah, and wonder ! Last night I 
committed myself to tranquil slumber, encompassed with all the 
monotonous tokens of peace, and this morning I awoke enveloped 
in the noise, the bustle, the clangor, and the shouts of war. 
Everything was changed, as if by magic. An immense army 
had sprung up, like mushrooms, in a night, and all the cobblers, 
tailors, and tinkers of the city had mounted the nodding plume ; 
had become in the twinkling of an eye, helmeted heroes and 
war-worn veterans. 

Alarmed at the beating of drums, the braying of trumpets, 
and the shouting of the multitude, I dressed myself in haste, 
sallied forth, and followed a prodigious crowd of people to a 
place called the Battery. This is so denominated, I am told, 
from having once been defended with formidable wooden bul- 
warks, which in the course of a hard winter were thriftily pulled 
to pieces by an economic corporation, to be distributed for fire- 
wood among the poor ; this was done at the hint of a cunning 
old engineer, who assured them it was the only way in which 
their fortifications would ever be able to keep up a warm fire. 
Economy, my friend, is the watch-word of this nation ; I have 
been studying for a month past to divine its meaning, but truly 
am as much perplexed as ever-. It is a kind of national starva- 
tion ; an experiment how many comforts and necessaries the 
body politic can be deprived of before it perishes. It has 
already arrived to a lamentable degree of debility, and promises 
to share the fate of the Arabian philosopher, who proved that 

5 



98 SALMAGUNDI. 

he could live without food, but unfortunately died just as he had 
brought his experiment to perfection. 

On arriving at the Battery, I found an immense army of six 
hundred men, drawn up in a true Mussulman crescent. At first 
I supposed this was in compliment to myself, but my interpreter 
informed me that it was done merely for want of room ; the 
corporation not being able to afford them sufficient to display in 
a straight line. As I expected a display of some grand evolu- 
tions and military manoeuvres, I determined to remain a tranquil 
spectator, in hopes that I might possibly collect some hints 
which might be of service to his highness. 

This great body of men I perceived was under the command 
of a small bashaw, in yellow and gold, with white nodding 
plumes, and most formidable whiskers ; which, contrary to the 
Tripolitan fashion, were in the neighborhood of his ears instead 
of his nose. He had two attendants called aid-de-camps (or 
tails), being similar to a bashaw with two tails. The bashaw, 
though commander-in-chief, seemed to have little more to do 
than myself ; he was a spectator within the lines, and I without ; 
he was clear of the rabble and I was encompassed by them ; 
this was the only difference between us, except that he had the 
best opportunity of showing his clothes. I waited an hour or 
two with exemplary patience, expecting to see some grand 
military evolutions or a sham battle exhibited ; but no such 
thing took place ; the men stood stock still, supporting their 
arms, groaning under the fatigues of war, and now and then 
sending out a foraging party to levy contributions of beer and a 
favorite beverage which they denominated grog. As I perceived 
the crowd very active in examining the line, from one extreme 
to the other, and as I could see no other purpose for which these 
sunshine warriors should be exposed so long to the merciless 



MILITARY. 99 

attacks of the wind and weather, I of course concluded that 
this must be the review. 

In about two hours the army was put in motion, and marched 
through some narrow streets, there the economic corporation 
had carefully provided a soft carpet of mud, to a magnificent 
castle of painted brick, decorated with grand pillars of pine 
boards. By the ardor which brightened in each countenance, I 
soon perceived that this castle was to undergo a vigorous attack. 
As the ordnance of the castle was perfectly silent, and as they 
had nothing but a straight street to advance through, they made 
their approaches with great courage and admirable regularity, 
until within about a hundred feet of the castle a pump opposed 
a formidable obstacle in their way, and put the whole army to a 
nonplus. The circumstance was sudden and unlooked for : the 
commanding officer ran over all the military tactics with which 
his head was crammed, but none offered any expedient for the 
present awful emergency. The pump maintained its post, and 
so did the commander ; there was no knowing which was most 
at a stand. The commanding officer ordered his men to wheel 
and take it in flank ; the army accordingly wheeled and came 
full butt against it in the rear, exactly as they were before. 
" Wheel to the left !" cried the officer ; they did so, and again as 
before the inveterate pump intercepted their progress. " Right 
about face !" cried the officer ; the men obeyed, but bungled — 
they faced back to back. Upon this the bashaw with two tails, 
with great coolness, undauntedly ordered his men to push right 
forward, pell-mell, pump or no pump ; they gallantly obeyed ; 
after unheard-of acts of bravery the pump was carried, without 
the loss of a man, and the army firmly intrenched itself under 
the walls of the castle. The bashaw had then a council of war 
with his officers ; the most vigorous measures were resolved on. 



100 SALMAGUNDI. 

All advanced guard of musicians were ordered to attack the cas- 
tle without mercy. Then the whole band opened a most tre- 
mendous battery of drums, fifes, tambourines, and trumpets, and 
kept up a thundering assault, as if the castle, like the walls of 
Jericho, spoken of in the Jewish Chronicles, would tumble down 
at the blowing of rams' horns. After some time a parley 
ensued. The grand bashaw of the city appeared on the battle- 
ments of the castle, and as far as I could understand from cir- 
cumstances dared the little bashaw of two tails to single com- 
bat — this thou knowest was in the style of ancient chivalry — 
the little bashaw dismounted with great intrepidity, and ascended 
the battlements of the castle, where the great bashaw waited to 
receive him, attended by numerous dignitaries and worthies of 
his court one of whom bore the splendid banners of the castle. 
The battle was carried on entirely by words, according to the 
universal custom of this country, of which I shall speak to thee 
more fully hereafter. The grand bashaw made a furious attack 
in a speech of considerable length ; the little bashaw, by no 
means appalled, retorted with great spirit. The grand bashaw 
attempted to rip him up with an argument, or stun him with a 
solid fact ; but the little bashaw parried them both with admi- 
rable adroitness, and run him clean through and through with a 
syllogism. The grand bashaw was overthrown, the banners of 
the castle yielded up to the little bashaw, and the castle surren- 
dered after a vigorous defence of three hours, during which the 
besiegers suffered great extremity from muddy streets and a 
drizzling atmosphere. 

On returning to dinner I soon discovered that as usual I had 
been indulging in a great mistake. The matter was all clearly 
explained to me by a fellow-lodger, who on ordinary occasions 
moves in the humble character of a tailor, but in the present 



FEATHERS. 101 

instance figured in a high military station, denominated corporal. 
He informed me that what I had mistaken for a castle was the 
splendid palace of the municipality, and that the supposed attack 
was nothing more than the delivery of a flag given by the autho- 
rities, to the army, for its magnanimous defence of the town for 
upward of twenty years past, that is, ever since the last war ! 
Oh, my friend, surely everything in this country is on a great 

scale ! The conversation insensibly turned upon the military 

establishment of the nation ; and I do assure thee that my 
friend, the tailor, though being, according to a national proverb, 
but the ninth part of a man, yet acquitted himself on military 
concerns as ably as the grand bashaw of the empire himself. 
He observed that their rulers had decided that wars were very 
useless and expensive, and ill befitting an economic, philosophic 
nation ; they had therefore made up their minds never to have 
any wars, and consequently there was no need of soldiers or 
military discipline. As, however, it was thought highly orna- 
mental to a city to have a number of men drest in fine clothes 
and feathers, strutting about the streets on a holiday — and as 
the women and children were particularly fond of such raree 
shows j it was ordered that the tailors of the different cities 
throughout the empire should, forthwith, go to work, and cut 
out and manufacture soldiers as fast as their shears and needles 
would permit. 

These soldiers have no pecuniary pay ; and their only recom- 
pense for the immense services which they render their countiy, 
in their voluntary parades, is the plunder of smiles, and winks, 
and nods which they extort from the ladies. As they have no 
opportunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of making inroads on their 
neighbors : and as it is necessary to keep up their military spirit, 
the town is therefore now and then, but particularly on two days 



102 SALMAGUNDI. 

of the year, given up to their ravages. The arrangements are 
contrived with admirable address, so that every officer, from the 
bashaw down to the drum-major, the chief of the eunuchs, or 
musicians, shall have his share of that invaluable booty, the 
admiration of the fair. As to the soldiers, poor animals, they, 
like the privates in all great armies, have to bear the brunt of 
danger and fatigue, while their officers receive all the glory and 
reward. The narrative of a parade day will exemplify this more 
clearly. 

The chief bashaw, in the plenitude of his authority, orders a 
grand review of the whole army at two o'clock. The bashaw 
with two tails, that he may have an opportunity of vaporing 
about, as greatest man on the field, orders the army to assemble 
at twelve. The kiay, or colonel, as he is called, that is, com- 
mander of one hundred and twenty men, orders his regiment or 
tribe to collect one mile at least from the place of parade at 
eleven. Each captain, or fag-rag, as we term them, commands 
his squad to meet at ten at least half a mile from the regimental 
parade ; and to close all, the chief of the eunuchs orders his 
infernal concert of fifes, trumpets, cymbals, and kettle-drums to 
assemble at ten ! from that moment the city receives no quarter. 
All is noise, hooting, hubbub, and combustion. Every window, 
door, crack, and loophole, from the garret to the cellar, is 
crowded with the fascinating fan of all ages and of all com- 
plexions. The mistress smiles through the windows of the draw- 
ing-room ; the chubby chambermaid lolls out of the attic case- 
ment, and a host of sooty wenches roll their white eyes and grin 
and chatter from the cellar door. Every nymph seems anxious 
to yield voluntarily that tribute which the heroes of their coun- 
try demand. First struts the chief eunuch, or drum-major, at 
the head of his sable band, magnificently arrayed in tarnished 



THE FAG-KAGS. 103 

scarlet. Alexander himself could not have spurned the earth 
more superbly. A host of ragged boys shout in his train, and 
inflate the bosom of the warrior with tenfold self-complacency. 
After he has rattled his kettle-drums through the town, and 
swelled and swaggered like a turkey-cock before all the dingy 
Floras, and Dianas, and Junoes, and Didoes of his acquaintance, 
he repairs to his place of destination loaded with a rich booty of 
smiles and approbation. Next comes the Fag-rag, or captain, 
at the head of his mighty band, consisting of one lieutenant, one 
ensign, or mute, four sergeants, four corporals, one drummer, 
one fifer, and if he has any privates so much the better for him- 
self. In marching to the regimental parade, he is sure to pad- 
dle through the street or lane which is honored with the resi- 
dence of his mistress or intended, whom he resolutely lays under 
a heavy contribution. Truly it is delectable to behold these 
heroes, as they march, cast side glances at the upper windows ; 
to collect the smiles, the nods, and the winks, which the enrap- 
tured fair ones lavish profusely on the magnanimous defenders 
of their country. 

The Fag-rags having conducted their squads to their respec- 
tive regiments, then comes the turn of the colonel, a bashaw with 
no tails, for all eyes are now directed to him ; and the fag-rags, 
and the eunuchs, and the kettle-drummers, having had their hour 
of notoriety, are confounded and lost in the military crowd. 
The colonel sets his whole regiment in motion ; and mounted on 
a mettlesome charger, frisks and fidgets, and capers, and plunges 
in front, to the great entertainment of the multitude, and the 
great hazard of himself and his neighbors. Having displayed 
himself, his trappings, his horse, and his horsemanship, he at 
length arrives at the place of general rendezvous ; blessed with 
the universal admiration of his country women. I should per- 



104 SALMAGUNDI. 

haps mention a squadron of hardy veterans, most of whom have 
seen a deal of service during the nineteen or twenty years of their 
experience, and who, most gorgeously equipped in tight green 
jackets and breeches, trot and amble, and gallop and scamper 
like little devils through every street and nook and corner and 
poke-hole of the city, to the great dread of all old people, and 
sage matrons with young children. This is truly sublime 1 this 
is what I call making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Oh, my 
friend, on what a great scale is everything done in this country. 
It is in the style of the wandering Arabs of the desert El-tih. Is 
a village to be attacked, or a hamlet to be plundered, the whole 
desert, for weeks beforehand, is in a buzz : such marching and 
counter-marching, ere they can concentrate their ragged forces ! 
and the consequence is, that before they can bring their troops 
into action, the whole enterprise is blown. 

The army being all happily collected on the Battery, though, 
perhaps, two hours after the time appointed, it is now the turn 
of the bashaw with two tails to distinguish himself. Ambition, 
my friend, is implanted alike in every heart, it pervades each 
bosom, from the bashaw to the drum-major. This is a sage 
truism, and I trust, therefore, it will not be disputed. The 
bashaw, fired with that thirst for glory, inseparable from the 
noble mind, is anxious to reap a full share of the laurels of the 
day and bear off his portion of female plunder. The drums beat, 
the fifes whistle, the standards wave proudly in the air. The 
signal is given ! thunder roars the cannon ! away goes the 
bashaw, and away go the tails ! The review finished, evolutions 
and military manoeuvres are generally dispensed with for three 
excellent reasons : first, because the army knows very little 
about them ; second, because, as the country has determined to 
remain always at peace, there is no necessity for them to know 



CARRY ARMS ! 105 

anything abont them ; and third, as it is growing late, the 
bashaw nmst dispatch, or it will be too dark for him to get his 
quota of the plunder. He, of course, orders the whole army to 
march j and now, my friend, now comes the tug of war, now is 
the city completely sacked. Open fly the Battery gates, forth 
sallies the bashaw with his two tails, surrounded by a shouting 
body-guard of boys and negroes ! then pour forth his legions, 
potent as the pismires of the desert ! the customary salutations of 
the country commence — these tokens of joy and admiration which 
so much annoyed me on first landing ; the air is darkend with old 
hats, shoes, and dead cats ; they fly in showers like the arrows 
of the Parthians. The soldiers, no ways disheartened, like the 
intrepid followers of Leonidas, march gallantly under their shade. 
On they push, splash, dash, mud or no mud. Down one lane, 
up another ; the martial music resounds through every street ; 
the fair ones throng to their windows ; the soldiers look every 
way but straight forward. " Carry arms !" cries the bashaw — 
" tan-ta ra-ra," brays the trumpet — " rub-a-dub," roars the 
drum — " hurraw," shout the ragamuffins. The bashaw smiles 
with exultation — every fag-rag feels himself a hero — " none but 
the brave deserves the fan- !" Head of the immortal Amrou, on 
what a great scale is everything in this country ! 

Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair that the officers should 
share all the sports while the privates undergo all the fatigue ? 
truly, my friend, I indulged the same idea, and pitied from my 
heart the poor fellows who had to drabble through the mud and 
the mire, toiling under ponderous cocked hats, which seemed as 
unwieldy, and cumbrous, as the shell which the snail lumbers 
along on his back. I soon found out, however, that they have 
their quantum of notoriety. As soon as the army is dismissed, 
the city swarms with little scouting parties, who fire off their 

5* 



106 SALMAGUNDI. 

guns at every corner, to the great delight of all the women and 
children in their vicinity ; and woe unto any dog, or pig, or hog, 
that falls in the way of these magnanimous warriors • they are 
shown no quarter. Every gentle swain repairs to pass the 
evening at the feet of his dulcinea, to play, " the soldier tired of 
war's alarms," and to captivate her with the glare of his regi- 
mentals ; excepting some ambitious heroes who strut to the 
theatre, flame away in the front boxes, and hector every old 
apple-woman in the lobbies. 

Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of this nation, and its 
faculty for swelling up nothings into importance. Our bashaw 
of Tripoli will review his troops of some thousands, by an early 
hour in the morning. Here a review of six hundred men is made 
the mighty work of a day ! with us a bashaw of two tails is 
never appointed to a command of less than ten thousand men ; 
but here we behold every grade, from the bashaw down to the 
drum-major, in a force of less than one-tenth of the number. 
By the beard of Mahomet ! but everything here is indeed on a 
great scale. 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT, 



I WAS not a little surprised the other morning at a request 
from Will Wizard that I would accompany him that even- 
ing to Mrs. 's ball. The request was simple enough in 

itself, it was only singular as coming from Will ; of all my 
acquaintance, Wizard is the least calculated and disposed for the 
society of ladies — not that he dislikes their company; on the 
contrary, like every man of pith and marrow, he is a professed 
admirer of the sex ; and had he been born a poet, would 



A PARTY. 107 

undoubtedly have bespattered and be-rhymed some hard named 
goddess, until she became as famous as Petrarch's Laura, or Wal- 
ler's Sacharissa ; but Will is such a confounded bungler at a 
bow, has so many odd bachelor habits, and finds it so trouble- 
some to be gallant, that he generally prefers smoking his cigar 
and telling his stories among cronies of his own gender — and 
thundering long stories they are, let me tell you ; set Will once 
a-going about China or Crim Tartary, or the Hottentots, and 
heaven help the poor victim who has to endure his prolixity ; he 
might better be tied to the tail of a jack-o'-lantern. In one 
word — Will talks like a traveller. Being well acquainted with 
his character, I was the more alarmed at his inclination to visit 
a party ; since he has often assured me, that he considered it as 
equivalent to being stuck up for three hours in a steam engine. 
I even wondered how he had received an invitation ; this he soon 
accounted for. It seems Will, on his last arrival from Canton, 
had made a present of a case of tea to a lady for whom he had 
once entertained a sneaking kindness when at grammar school ; 
and she in return had invited him to come and drink some of it ; 
a cheap way enough of paying off little obligations. I readily 
acceded to Will's proposition, expecting much entertainment from 
his eccentric remarks ; and as he has been absent some few 
years, I anticipated his surprise at the splendor and elegance of 
a modern rout. 

On calling for Will in the evening, I found him full dressed, 
waiting for me. I contemplated him with absolute dismay. As 
he still retained a spark of regard for the lady who once reigned 
in his affections, he had been at unusual pains in decorating his 
person, and broke upon my sight arrayed in the true style that 
prevailed among our beaux some years ago. His hair was 
turned up and tufted at the top, frizzled out at the ears, a pro- 



108 SALMAGUNDI. 

fusion of powder puffed over the whole, and a long plaited club 
swung gracefully from shoulder to shoulder, describing a pleas- 
ing semicircle of powder and pomatum. His claret-colored coat 
was decorated with a profusion of gilt buttons, and reached to 
his calves. His white casimere small-clothes were so tight that 
he seemed to have grown up in them ; and his ponderous legs, 
which are the thickest part of his body, were beautifully clothed 
in sky-blue silk stockings, once considered so becoming. But 
above all, he prided himself upon his waistcoat of China silk, 
which might almost have served a good housewife for a short- 
gown ; and he boasted that the roses and tulips upon it were 
the work of Nang-Fou, daughter of the great ChiTirChin-Fou, 
who had fallen in love with the graces of his person, and sent it 
to him as a parting present ; he assured me she was a remark- 
able beauty, with sweet obliquity of eyes, and a foot no larger 
than the thumb of an alderman ; he then dilated most copiously 
on his silver-sprigged dickey, which he assured me was quite the 
rage among the dashing young mandarins of Canton. 

I hold it an ill-natured office to put any man out of conceit 
with himself ; so, though I would willingly have made a little 
alteration in my friend Wizard's picturesque costume, yet I 
politely complimented him on his rakish appearance. 

On entering the room I kept a good look-out on Will, expect- 
ing to see him exhibit signs of surprise ; but he is one of those 
knowing fellows who are never surprised at anything, or at least 
will never acknowledge it. He took his stand in the middle of 
the floor, playing with his great steel watch-chain ; and looking 
round on the company, the furniture, and the pictures, with the 

air of a man " who has seen d d finer things in his time f 

and to my utter confusion and dismay, I saw him coolly pull out 
his villainous old japanned tobacco-box, ornamented with a bot- 



LACRELIA DASHAWAY. 109 

tie, a pipe, and a scurvy motto, and help himself to a quid in 
face of all the company. 

I knew it was all in vain to find fault with a fellow of Will's 
Socratic turn, who is never to be put out of humor with himself; 
so, after he had given his box its prescriptive rap and returned 
it to his pocket, I drew him into a corner where we might observe 
the company without being prominent objects ourselves. 

"And pray who is that stylish figure," said Will, "who blazes 
away in red, like a volcano, and who seems wrapped in flames 
like a fiery dragon ?" That, cried I, is Miss Laurelia Dashaway 
— she is the highest flash of the ton — has much whim and more 
eccentricity, and has reduced many an unhappy gentleman to 
stupidity by her charms ; you see she holds out the red flag in 
token of "no quarter." " Then keep me safe out of the sphere 
of her attractions," cried Will, " I would not e'en come in con- 
tact with her train, lest it should scorch me like the tail of a 
comet. But who, I beg of you, is that amiable youth who is 
handing a young lady, and at the same time contemplating his 
sweet person in a mirror as he passes ?" His name, said I, is 
Billy Dimple ; he is a universal smiler, and would travel from 
Dan to Beersheba and smile on everybody as he passed. Dimple 
is a slave to the ladies — a hero at tea-parties, and is famous at 
the pirouette and the pigeon-wing ; a fiddle-stick is his idol, and a 
dance his elysium. " A very pretty young gentleman, truly," 
cried Wizard, " he reminds me of a contemporary beau at Hayti. 
You must know that the magnanimous Dessalines gave a great 
ball to his court one fine sultry summer's evening ; Dessy and 
me were great cronies — hand and glove — one of the most conde- 
scending great men I ever knew. Such a display of black and 
yellow beauties ! such a show of Madras handkerchiefs, red 
beads, cocks' tails and peacocks' feathers ! — it was, as here, who 



110 SALMAGUNDI. 

should wear the highest top-knot, drag the longest tails, or 
exhibit the greatest variety of combs, colors, and gew-gaws. In 
the middle of the rout, when all was buzz, slipslop, crack, and 
perfume, who should enter but Tucky Squash ! The yellow 
beauties blushed blue, and the black ones blushed as red .as they 
could, with pleasure; and there was a universal agitation of fans; 
every eye brightened and whitened to see Tucky ; for he was the 
pride of the court, the pink of courtesy, the mirror of fashion, the 
adoration of all the sable fair ones of Hayti. Such breadth of 
nose, such exuberance of lip ! his shins had the true cucumber 
curve ; his face in dancing shone like a kettle ; and, provided 
you kept to windward of him in summer, I do not know a 
sweeter youth in all Hayti than Tucky Squash. When he 
laughed, there appeared from ear to ear a chevaux-de-frise of 
teeth, that rivalled the shark's in whiteness ; he could whistle 
like a northwester ; play on a three-stringed fiddle like Apollo ; 
and as to dancing, no Long Island negro could shuffle you 
' double trouble/ or ' hoe corn and dig potatoes ' more scien- 
tifically — in short, he was a second Lothario. And the dusky 
nymphs of Hayti, one and all, declared him a perpetual Adonis. 
Tucky walked about, whistling to himself, without regarding 
anybody ; and his nonchalance was irresistible." 

I found Will had got neck and heels into one of his travellers' 
stories ; and there is no knowing how far he would have run his 
parallel between Billy Dimple and Tucky Squash, had not the 
music struck up from an adjoining apartment, and summoned the 
company to the dance. The sound seemed to have an inspiring 
effect on honest Will, and he procured the hand of an old 
acquaintance for a country dance. It happened to be the fash- 
ionable one of " the devil among the tailors," which is so vocife- 
rously demanded at every ball and assembly ; and many a torn 



SOPHY SPARKLE. Ill 

gown, and many an unfortunate toe did rue the dancing of that 
night ; for Will thundered down the dance like a coach and six, 
sometimes right, sometimes wrong ; now running over half a score 
of little Frenchmen, and now making sad inroads into ladies' 
cobweb muslins and spangled tails. As every part of Will's body 
partook of the exertion, he shook from his capacious head such 
volumes of powder that, like pious iEneas on his first interview 
with Queen Dido, he might be said to have been enveloped in 
a cloud. Nor was Will's partner an insignificant figure in the 
scene ; she was a young lady of most voluminous proportions, 
that quivered at every skip ; and being braced up in the fashion- 
able style, with whalebone, stay-tape, and buckram, looked like 
an apple-pudding tied in the middle ; or, taking her flaming dress 
into consideration, like a bed and bolsters rolled up in a suit of 
red curtains. The dance finished, I would gladly have taken 
Will off ; but no — he was now in one of his happy moods, and 
there was no doing anything with him. He insisted on my 
introducing him to Miss Sophy Sparkle, a young lady unrivalled 
for playful wit and innocent vivacity, and who, like a brilliant, 
adds lustre to the front of fashion. I accordingly presented him 
to her, and began a conversation in which, I thought, he might 
take a share ; but no such thing. Will took his stand beside 
her, straddling like a Colossus, with his hands in his pockets, and 
an air of the most profound attention ; nor did he pretend to 
open his lips for some time, until, upon some lively sally of hers, 
he electrified the whole company with a most intolerable burst 
of laughter. What was to done with such an incorrigible fel- 
low ? To add to my distress, the first word he spoke was to tell 
Miss Sparkle that something she had said reminded him of a 
circumstance that happened to him in China ; and at it he went 
in the true traveller style — described the Chinese mode of eatins: 



112 SALMAGUNDI. 

rice with chop-sticks ; entered into a long eulogium on the suc- 
culent qualities of boiled bird's nests ; and I made my escape at 
the very moment when he was on the point of squatting down on 
the floor, to show how the little Chinese Joshes sit cross-legged. 



TO THE LADIES. 

FEOM THE MILL OF PINDAE COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

THOUGH jogging down the hill of life, 
Without the comfort of a wife; 
And though I ne'er a helpmate chose, 
To stock my house and mend my hose ; 
With care my person to adorn ; 
And spruce me up on Sunday morn ; 
Still do I love the gentle sex, 
And still with cares my brain perplex, 
To keep the fair ones of the age 
Unsullied as the spotless page ; 
All pure, all simple, all refined, 
The sweetest solace of mankind. 
I hate the loose insidious jest 
To beauty's modest ear addrest, 
And hold that frowns should never fail 
To check each smooth, but fulsome tale ; 
But he whose impious pen should dare 
Invade the morals of the fair ; 
To taint that purity divine 
Which should each female heart enshrine ; 



LOUD PIANO FEATS. 113 

Though soft his vicious strains should swell, 
As those which erst from Gabriel fell, 
Should yet be held aloft to shame, 
And foul dishonor shade his name. 
Judge then, my friends, of my surprise, 
The ire that kindled in my eyes, 
When I relate, that t'other day 
I went a morning call to pay, 
On two young nieces ; just come down 
To take the polish of the town : 
By which I mean no more or less 
Than a la Frangaise to undress ; 
To whirl the modest waltz' rounds, 
Taught by Duport for snug ten pounds. 
To thump and thunder through a song, 
Play fortes soft and dolces strong : 
Exhibit loud piano feats, 
Caught from that crotchet-hero, Meetz ; 
To drive the rose-bloom from the face, 
And fix the lily in its place ; 
To doff the white, and in its stead 
To bounce about in brazen red. 
While in the parlor I delay'd 
Till they their persons had array'd, 
A dapper volume caught my eye, 
That on the window chanced to lie : 
A book 's a friend — I always choose 
To turn its pages and peruse ; 
It proved those poems known to fame 
For praising every cyprian dame ; 
The bantlings of a dapper youth, 



114 SALMAGUNDI. 

Renown'd for gratitude and truth ; 
A little pest, hight Tommy Moore, 
Who hopp'd and skipp'd our country o'er ; 
Who sipp'd our tea and lived on sops, 
Revell'd on syllabubs and slops, 
And when his brain, of cobweb fine, 
Was fuddled with five drops of wine, 
Would all his puny loves rehearse, 
And many a maid debauch—in verse. 
Surprised to meet in open view, 
A book of such lascivious hue, 
I chid my nieces — but they say, 
7 Tis all the passion of the day ; 
That many a fashionable belle 
Will with enraptured accents dwell 
On the sweet morcecm she has found 
In this delicious, curst, compound ! 
Soft do the tinkling numbers roll, 
And lure to vice the unthinking soul ; 
They tempt by softer sounds away, 
They lead entranced the heart astray ; 
And Satan's doctrine sweetly sing, 
As with a seraph's heavenly string. 
Such sounds, so good, old Homer sung, 
Once warbled from the Siren's tongue ; 
Sweet melting tones were heard to pour 
Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ; 
Seductive strains in aether float, 
And every wild deceitful note 
That could the yielding heart assail, 
Were wafted on the breathing gale ; 



TOMMY MOORE. 115 

And every gentle accent bland 
To tempt Ulysses to their strand. 

And can it be this book so base, 
Is laid on every window case ? 
Oh ! fair ones, if you will profane 
Those breasts where heaven itself should reign ; _ . 
And throw those pure recesses wide, 
Where peace and virtue should reside, 
To let the holy pile admit 
A guest unhallowed and unfit ; 
Pray, like the frail ones of the night, 
Who hide their wanderings from the light, 
So let your errors secret be, 
And hide, as least, your fault from me ; 
Seek some by-corner to explore 
The smooth polluted pages o'er : 
There drink the insidious poison in, 
There silly nurse your souls for sin : 
And while that purity you blight 
Which stamps you messengers of light, 
And sap those mounds the gods bestow, 
To keep you spotless here below ; 
Still in compassion to our race, 
Who joy, not only in the face, 
But in that more exalted part, 
The sacred temple of the heart ; 
Oh ! hide forever from our view, 
The fatal mischief you pursue : 
Let men your praises still exalt, 
And none but angels mourn your fault. 



116 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. VI.— FRIDAY, MAECH 20, 1807. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE Cockloft family, of which I have made such frequent 
mention, is of great antiquity, if there be any truth in the 
genealogical tree which hangs up in my cousin's library. They 
trace their descent from a celebrated Roman knight, cousin to 
the progenitor of his majesty of Britain, who left his native 
country on occasion of some disgust, and coming into Wales 
became a great favorite of Prince Madoc, and accompanied that 
famous Argonaut in the voyage which ended in the discovery of 
this continent. Though a member of the family, I have some- 
times ventured to doubt the authenticity of this portion of their 
annals, to the great vexation of Cousin Christopher, who is 
looked up to as the head of our house, and who, though as 
orthodox as a bishop, would sooner give up the whole decalogue 
than lop off a single limb of the family tree. From time imme- 
morial, it has been the rule for the Cocklofts to marry one of 
their own name ; and, as they always bred like rabbits, the 
family has increased and multiplied like that of Adam and Eve. 
In truth, their number is almost incredible ; and you can hardly 
go into any part of the country without starting a warren of 
genuine Cocklofts. Every person of the least observation or 
experience, must have observed that where this practice of mar- 



THE COCKLOFT FAMILY. 117 

rying cousins, and second cousins, prevails in a family, every 
member, in the course of a few generations, becomes queer, 
humorous, and original ; as much distinguished from the common 
race of mongrels as if he was of a different species. This has 
happened in our family, and particularly in that branch of it of 
which Mr. Christopher Cockloft, or, to do him justice, Mr. 
Christopher Cockloft, Esq., is the head. Christopher is, in fact, 
the only married man of the name who resides in town ; his 
family is small, having lost most of his children, when young, 
by the excessive care he took to bring them up like vegetables. 
This was one of his first whim-whams, and a confounded one it 
was ; as his children might have told, had they not fallen victims 
to this experiment before they could talk. He had got from 
some quack philosopher or other, a notion that there was a 
complete analogy between children and plants, and that 
they ought to be both reared alike. Accordingly he sprinkled 
them every morning with water ; laid them out in the sun, as he 
did his geraniums ; and, if the season was remarkably dry, 
repeated this wise experiment three or four times of a morning. 
The consequence was, that the poor little souls died one after 
the other, except Jeremy and his two sisters ; who, to be sure, 
are a trio of as odd, runty, mummy-looking originals as ever 
Hogarth fancied in his most happy moments. Mrs. Cockloft, 
the larger if not the better half of my cousin, often remonstrated 
against this vegetable theory ; and even brought the parson of 
the parish, in which my cousin's country house is situated, to 
her aid ; but in vain : Christopher persisted, and attributed the 
failure of his plan to its not having been exactly conformed to. 
As I have mentioned Mrs. Cockloft, I may as well say a little 
more about her while I am in the humor. She is a lady of 
wonderful notability, a warm admirer of shining mahogany, 



118 SALMAGUNDI. 

clean hearths,, and her husband ; who she considers the wisest 
man in the world, bating Will Wizard and the parson of our 
parish ; the last of whom is her oracle on all occasions. She 
goes constantly to church every Sunday and Saint's-day ; and 
insists upon it that no man is entitled to ascend a pulpit unless 
he has been ordained by a bishop ; nay, so far does she carry 
her orthodoxy, that all the argument in the world will never 
persuade her that a Presbyterian or Baptist, or even a Calvinist, 
has any possible chance of going to Heaven. Above every- 
thing else, however, she abhors paganism ; can scarcely refrain 
from laying violent hands on a pantheon when she meets with 
it ; and was very nigh going into hysterics, when my cousin 
insisted one of his boys should be christened after our laureate, 
because the parson of the parish had told her that Pindar was the 
name of a pagan writer ; famous for his love of boxing matches, 
wrestling, and horse-racing. To sum up all her qualifications in 
the shortest possible way, Mrs. Cockloft is, in the true sense of 
the phrase, a good sort of woman ; and I often congratulate my 
cousin on possessing her. The rest of the family consists of 
Jeremy Cockloft, the younger, who has already been mentioned, 
and the two Miss Cocklofts, or rather the young ladies, as they 
have been called by the servants time out of mind ; not that 
they are really young, the younger being somewhat on the shady 
side of thirty, but it has ever been the custom to call every 
member of the family young under fifty. In the southeast 
corner of the house, I hold quiet possession of an old-fashioned 
apartment, where myself and my elbow-chair are suffered to 
amuse ourselves undisturbed, save at meal-times. This apart- 
ment old Cockloft has facetiously denominated Cousin Launce's 
paradise ; and the good old gentleman has two or three favorite 
jokes about it, which are served up as regularly as the standing 



COUNTRY COUSINS. 119 

family dish of beef-steaks and onions, which every day maintains 
its station at the foot of the table, in defiance of mutton, poultry, 
or even venison itself. 

Though the family is apparently small, yet like most old 
establishments of the kind it does not want for honorary mem- 
bers. It is the city rendezvous of the Cocklofts ; and we are 
continually enlivened by the company of half a score of uncles, 
aunts, and cousins, in the fortieth remove, from all parts of the 
country,- who profess a wonderful regard for Cousin Christopher, 
and overwhelm every member of his household, down to the cook 
in the kitchen, with their attentions. We have for three weeks 
past been greeted with the company of two worthy old spinsters, 
who came down from the country to settle a lawsuit. They 
have done little else but retail stories of their village neighbors, 
knit stockings and take snuff, all the time they have been here ; 
the whole family are bewildered with church-yard tales of 
sheeted ghosts, white horses without heads, and with large 
goggle eyes in their buttocks ; and not one of the old servants 
dare budge an inch after dark without a numerous company at 
his heels. My cousin's visitors, however, always return his hos- 
pitality with due gratitude, and now and then remind him of 
their fraternal regard, by a present of a pot of apple sweet- 
meats, or a barrel of sour cider at Christmas. Jeremy displays 
himself to great advantage among his country relations, who all 
think him a prodigy, and often stand astounded, in " gaping 
wonderment," at his natural philosophy. He lately frightened a 
simple old uncle almost out of his wits, by giving it as his 
opinion that the earth would one day be scorched to ashes by 
the eccentric gambols of the famous comet, so much talked of; 
and positively asserted that this world revolved round the sun, 
and that the moon was certainly inhabited. 



120 SALMAGUNDI. 

The family mansion bears equal marks of antiquity with its 
inhabitants. As the Cocklofts are remarkable for their attach- 
ment to everything that has remained long in the family, they 
are bigoted toward their old edifice, and I dare say would sooner 
have it crumble about their ears than abandon it. The conse- 
quence is, it has been so patched up and repaired, that it has 
become as full of whims and oddities as its tenants ; requires to be 
nursed and humored like a gouty old codger of an alderman, and 
reminds one of the famous ship in which a certain admiral cir- 
cumnavigated the globe, which was so patched and timbered, 
in order to preserve so great a curiosity, that at length not a 
particle of the original remained. Whenever the wind blows, 
the old mansion makes a most perilous groaning ; and every 
storm is sure to make a day's work for the carpenter, who 
attends upon it as regularly as the family physician. This pre- 
dilection for everything that has been long in the family shows 
itself in every particular. The domestics are all grown grey in 
the service of our house. We have a little, old, crusty, grey- 
headed negro, who has lived through two or three generations 
of the Cocklofts, and of course has become a personage of no 
little importance in the household. He calls all the family by 
their Christian names ; tells long stories about how he dandled 
them on his knee when they were children ; and is a complete 
Cockloft chronicle for the last seventy years. The family car- 
riage was made in the last French war, and the old horses were 
most indubitably foaled in Noah's ark : resembling marvellously 
in gravity of demeanor, those sober animals which may be seen 
any day of the year in the streets of Philadelphia walking 
their snail's pace, a dozen in a row, and harmoniously jingling 
their bells. Whim-whams are the inheritance of the Cocklofts, 
and every member of the household is a humorist sui generis, from 



WHIM-WHAMS. 121 

the master down to the footman. The very cats and dogs are 
humorists ; and we have a little runty scoundrel of a cur, who, 
whenever the church bells ring, will run to the street door, turn 
up his nose in the wind, and howl most piteously. Jeremy 
insists that this is owing to a peculiar delicacy in the organiza- 
tion of his ears, and supports his position by many learned 
arguments which nobody can understand ; but I am of opinion 
that it is a mere Cockloft whim-wham, which the little cur 
indulges, being descended from a race of dogs which has flou- 
rished in the family ever since the time of my grandfather. A 
propensity to save everything that bears the stamp of family 
antiquity, has accumulated an abundance of trumpery and rub- 
bish with which the house is encumbered from the cellar to the 
garret ; and every room, and closet, and corner, is crammed with 
three legged chairs, clocks without hands, swords without scab- 
bards, cocked hats, broken caudlesticks, and looking-glasses, with 
frames carved into fantastic shapes of feathered sheep, woolly 
birds, and other animals that have no name except in books of 
heraldry. The ponderous mahogany chairs in the parlors are of 
such unwieldy proportions that it is quite a serious undertaking 
to gallant one of them across the room, and sometimes make a 
most equivocal noise when you sit down in a hurry ; the mantel- 
piece is decorated with little lacquered earthen shepherdesses ; 
some of which are without toes, and others without noses ; and the 
fire-place is garnished out with Dutch tiles, exhibiting a great 
variety of Scripture pieces, which my good old soul of a cousin 
takes infinite delight in explaining. Poor Jeremy hates them as 
he does poison ; for, while a younker, he was obliged by his 
mother to learn the history of a tile every Sunday morning before 
she would permit him to join his playmates ; this was a terrible 
affair for Jeremy, who, by the time he had learned the last, had 

6 



122 SALMAGUNDI. 

forgotten the first, and was obliged to begin again. He assured 
me the other day, with a round college oath, that if the old house 
stood out till he inherited it, he would have these tiles taken out, 
and ground into powder, for the perfect hatred he bore them. 

My cousin Christopher enjoys unlimited authority in the 
mansion of his forefathers ; he is truly what may be termed a 
hearty old blade ; has a florid, sunshine countenance ; and if 
you will only praise his wine and laugh at his long stories, him- 
self and his house are heartily at your service. The first condi- 
tion is indeed easily complied with ; for, to tell the truth, his 
wine is excellent ; but his stories, being not of the best, and 
often repeated, are apt to create a disposition to yawn — being, 
in addition to their other qualities, most unreasonably long. His 
prolixity is the more afflicting to me, since I have all his stories 
by heart ; and when he enters upon one, it reminds me of New- 
ark causeway, where the traveller sees the end at the distance 
of several miles. To the great misfortune of all his acquaint- 
ance, Cousin Cockloft is blest with a most provokingly retentive 
memory ; and can give day and elate, and name, and age, and 
circumstance, with the most unfeeling precision. These, however, 
are but trivial foibles, forgotten, or remembered only with a kind 
of tender, respectful pity, by those who know with what a rich 
redundant harvest of kindness and generosity his heart is stored. 
It would delight you to see with what social gladness he wel- 
comes a visitor into his house ; and the poorest man that enters 
his door never leaves it without a cordial invitation to sit down, 
and drink a glass of wine. By the honest farmers round his 
country-seat he is looked up to with love and reverence ; they 
never pass him by without his inquiring after the welfare of 
their families, and receiving a cordial shake of his liberal hand. 
There are but two classes of people who are thrown out of the 



TORYISM. 123 

reach of his hospitality, and these are Frenchmen and demo- 
crats. The old gentleman considers it treason against the 
majesty of good breeding to speak to any visitor with his hat 
on ; but the moment a democrat enters his door, he forthwith 
bids his man Pompey bring his hat, puts it on his head, and 
salutes him with an appalling " Well, sir, what do you want of 
me?" 

He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, and firmly 
believes that they eat nothing but frogs and soupe-maigre in 
their own country. This unlucky prejudice is partly owing to 
my great-aunt Pamela having been many years ago run away 
with by a French count, who turned out to be the son of a 
generation of barbers ; and partly to a little vivid spark of 
toryism which burns in a secret corner of his heart. He was a 
loyal subject of the crown, has hardly yet recovered the shock 
of independence ; and, though he does not care to own it, always 
does honor to his majesty's birthday, by inviting a few cavaliers, 
like himself, to dinner, and gracing his table with more than 
ordinary festivity. If by chance the Revolution is mentioned 
before him, my cousin shakes his head ; and you may see, if you 
take good note, a lurking smile of contempt in the corner of his 
eye which marks a decided disapprobation of the sound. He 
once, in the fullness of his heart, observed to me that green peas 
were a month later than they were under the old government. 
But the most eccentric manifestation of loyalty he ever gave 
was making a voyage to Halifax for no other reason under 
heaven but to hear his Majesty prayed for in church, as he used 
to be here formerly. This he never could be brought fairly to 
acknowledge ; but it is a certain fact, I assure you. It is not 
a little singular that a person, so much given to long story- 
telling as my cousin, should take a liking to another of the same 



124: SALMAGUNDI. 

character ; but so it is with the old gentleman. His prime 
favorite and companion is Will Wizard, who is almost a member 
of the family ; and will sit before the fire, with his feet on the 
massy andirons, and smoke his cigar, and screw his phiz, and 
spin away tremendous long stories of his travels, for a whole 
evening, to the great delight of the old gentleman and lady, and 
especially of the young ladies, who, like Desdemona, do 
"seriously incline," and listen to him with innumerable "0 
dears," " Is it possibles," " Goody graciouses," and look upon him 
as a second Sinbad the sailor. 

The Misses Cockloft, whose pardon I crave for not having 
particularly introduced them before, are a pair of delectable 
damsels, who, having purloined and locked up the family Bible, 
pass for just what age they please to plead guilty to. Barbara, 
the eldest, has long since resigned the character of a belle, and 
adopted that staid, sober, demure, snuff-taking air becoming her 
years and discretion. She is a good-natured soul, whom I never 
saw in a passion but once, and that was occasioned by seeing an 
old favorite beau of hers kiss the hand of a pretty blooming girl ; 
and, in truth, she only got angry because, as she very properly 
said, it was spoiling the child. Her sister Margery, or Maggie, 
as she is familiarly termed, seemed disposed to maintain her post 
as a belle, until a few months since ; when accidentally hearing a 
gentleman observe that she broke very fast, she suddenly left 
off going to the assembly, took a cat into high favor, and began 
to rail at the forward pertness of young misses. From that 
moment I set her down for an old maid; and so she is, " by the 
hand of my body." The young ladies are still visited by some 
half dozen of veteran beaux, who grew and flourished in the 
haut ton, when the Miss Cocklofts were quite children ; but 
have been brushed rather rudely by the hand of time, who, to 



OLD BOYS. 125 

say the truth, can do almost anything but make people young. 
They are, notwithstanding, still warm candidates for female 
favor ; look venerably tender, and repeat over and over the 
same honeyed speeches and sugared sentiments to the little 
belles that they poured so profusely into the ears of their 
mothers. I beg leave here to give notice that by this sketch I 
mean no reflection on old bachelors ; on the contrary, I hold 
that next to a fine lady, the ne plus ultra, an old bachelor to be 
the most charming being upon earth ; in as much as by living 
in " single blessedness," he of course does just as he pleases; and 
if he has any genius, must acquire a plentiful stock of whims, 
and oddities, and whalebone habits ; without which I esteem a 
man to be mere beef without mustard — good for nothing at all 
but to run on errands for ladies, take boxes at the theatre, and 
act the part of a screen at tea-parties, or a walking-stick in the 
streets. I merely speak of these old boys who infest public 
walks, pounce upon ladies from every corner of the street, and 
worry, and frisk, and amble, and caper before, behind, and 
round about the fashionable belles, like old ponies in a pasture, 
striving to supply the absence of youthful whim and hilarity, by 
grimaces and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have sometimes 
seen one of these " reverend youths " endeavoring to elevate his 
wintry passions into something like love, by basking in the sun- 
shine of beauty ; and it did remind me of an old moth, attempt- 
ing to fly through a pane of glass toward a light, without ever 
approaching near enough to warm itself, or scorch its wings. 

Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a family that went 
more by tangents than the Cocklofts. Everything is governed 
by whim ; and if one member starts a new freak, away all the 
rest follow on like wild geese in a string. As the family, the 
servants, the horses, cats and dogs have all grown old together, 



126 SALMAGUNDI. 

they have accommodated themselves to each other's habits com- 
pletely ; and though every body of them is full of odd points, 
angles, rhomboids, and ins and outs, yet somehow or other they 
harmonize together like so many straight lines ; and it is truly a 
grateful and refreshing sight to see them agree so well. Should 
one, however, get out of tune, it is like a cracked fiddle, the 
whole concern is ajar ; you perceive a cloud over every brow in 
the house, and even the old chairs seem to creak affetuoso. If 
my cousin, as he is rather apt to do, betray any symptoms of 
vexation or uneasiness, no matter about what, he is worried to 
death with inquiries, which answer no other end but to demon- 
strate the good will of the inquirer, and put him in a passion ; 
for everybody knows how provoking it is to be cut short in a fit 
of the blues, by an impertinent question about "what is the 
matter ?" when a man can't tell himself. I remember a few 
months ago the old gentleman came home in quite a squall ; 
kicked poor Caesar, the mastiff, out of his way, as he came 
through the hall ; threw his hat on the table with most violent 
emphasis, and pulling out his box, took three huge pinches of 
snuff, and threw a fourth into the cat's eyes as he sat purring 
his astonishment at the fireside. This was enough to set the 
body politic going ; Mrs. Cockloft began " my dearing " it as 
fast as tongue could move ; the young ladies took each a stand 
at an elbow of his chair ; Jeremy marshalled in the rear ; the 
servants came tumbling in ; the mastiff put up an inquiring 
nose ; and even grimalkin, after he had cleaned his whiskers and 
finished sneezing, discovered indubitable signs of sympathy. 
After the most affectionate inquiries on all sides, it turned out 
that my cousin, in crossing the street, had got his silk stockings 
bespattered with mud by a coach, which, it seems, belonged to a 
dashing gentleman who had formerly supplied the family with 



THEATRICS. 127 

hot rolls and muffins ! Mrs. Cockloft thereupon turned up her 
eyes, and the young ladies their noses ; and it would have 
edified a whole congregation to hear the conversation which 
took place concerning the insolence of upstarts, and the vul- 
garity of would-be gentlemen and ladies, who strive to emerge 
from low life by dashing about in carriages to pay a visit two 
doors Off; giving parties to people who laugh at them, and 
cutting all their old friends. 



THEATRICS. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

I WE XT a few evenings since to the theatre, accompanied by 
my friend 'Sbidlikens, the cockney, who is a man deeply read 
in the history of Cinderella, Valentine and Orson, Blue Beard, 
and all those recondite works so necessary to enable a man to 
understand the modern drama. 'Sbidlikens is one of those 
intolerable fellows who will never be pleased with anything 
until he has turned and twisted it divers ways, to see if it cor- 
responds with his notions of congruity; and as he is none of the 
quickest in his ratiocinations, he will sometimes come out with 
his approbation, when everybody else has forgotten the cause 
which excited it. 'Sbidlikens is, morever, a great critic, for he 
finds fault with everything; this being what I understand by 
modern criticism. He, however, is pleased to acknowledge that 
our theatre is not so despicable, all things considered; and 
really thinks Cooper one of our best actors. The play was 
Othello, and to speak my mind freely, I think I have seen it 
performed much worse in my time. The actors, I firmly believe, 



128 SALMAGUNDI. 

did their best ; and whenever this is the case, no man has a 
right to find fault with them, in my opinion. Little Ruther- 
ford, the Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, looked as big as 
possible; and what he wanted in size he made up in frowning. 
I like frowning in tragedy; and if a man but keeps his forehead 
in proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long strides on the stage, 
I always set him down as a great tragedian; and so does my 
friend 'Sbidlikens. 

Before the first act was over, 'Sbidlikens began to flourish 
his critical wooden sword like a harlequin. He first found fault 
with Cooper for not having made himself as black as a negro, 
"for," said he, "that Othello was an arrant black, appears 
from several expressions of the play; as for instance, 'thick 
lips/ ' sooty bosom/ and a variety of others. I am inclined to 
think," continued he, "that Othello was an Egyptian by birth, 
from the circumstance of the handkerchief given to his mother 
by a native of that country; and, if so, he certainly was as 
black as my hat; for Herodotus has told us, that the Egyp- 
tians had flat noses and frizzled hair — a clear proof that they 
were all negroes." He did not confine his strictures to this 
single error of the actor, but went on to run him down in toto. 
In this he was seconded by a red-hot Philadelphian, who proved 
by a string of most eloquent logical puns, that Fennel was 
unquestionably in every respect a better actor than Cooper. I 
knew it was vain to contend with them, since I recollected a 
most obstinate trial of skill these two great Roscii had last 
spring in Philadelphia. Cooper brandished his blood-stained 
dagger at the theatre — Fennel flourished his snuff-box and 
shook his wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate Philadel- 
phians were a long time at a loss to decide which deserved the 
palm. The literati were inclined to give it to Cooper, because 



COCKNEY CRITICISM. 129 

his name was the most fruitful in puns ; but then, on the other 
side, it was contended that Fennel was the best Greek scholar. 
Scarcely was the town of Strasburgh in a greater hubbub 
about the courteous stranger's nose ; and it was well that the 
doctors of the University did not get into the dispute, else it 
might have become a battle of folios. At length, after much 
excellent argument had been expended on both sides, recourse 
was had to Cocker's arithmetic and a carpenter's rule ; the 
rival candidates were both measured by one of their most 
steady-handed critics, and by the most exact measurement it was 
proved that Mr. Fennel was the greater actor by three inches 
and a quarter. Since this demonstration of inferiority, Cooper 
has never been able to hold up his head in Philadelphia. 

In order to change a conversation in which my favorite suf- 
fered so much, I made some inquiries of the Philadelphian con- 
cerning the two heroes of his theatre, Wood and Cain ; but 
I had scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack ! he threw 
a whole handful of puns in my face ; 'twas like a bowl of cold 
water. I turned on my heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, 
and said no more about Wood and Cain ; nor will I ever more, 
if I can help it, mention their names in the presence of a Phila- 
delphian. Would that they could leave off punning ! for I 
love every soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their 
own generous hearts, and boundless as their hospitality. 

During the performance, I kept an eye on the countenance of 
my friend, the cockney; because, having come all the way from 
England, and having seen Kemble once, on a visit which he 
made from the button-manufactory to Lunnun, I thought his 
phiz might serve as a kind of thermometer to direct my mani- 
festations of applause or disapprobation. I might as well have 
looked at the back side of his head ; for I could not, with all 

6* 



130 SALMAGUNDI. 

my peering, perceive by his features that he was pleased with 
anything — except himself. His hat was twitched a little on one 
side, as much as to say, " demme, I'm your sorts !" he was suck- 
ing the end of a little stick ; he was a " gemman " from head 
to foot ; but as to his face, there was no more expression in it 
than in the face of a Chinese lady on a tea-cup. On Cooper's 
giving one of his gunpowder explosions of passion, I exclaimed, 
"fine, very fine !" " Pardon me," said my friend 'Sbidlikens, 
"this is damnable ! — the gesture, my clear sir — only look at the 
gesture ! how horrible ! do you not observe that the actor slaps 
his forehead, whereas, the passion not having arrived at the 
proper height, he should only have slapped his — pocket-flap ? 
— this figure of rhetoric is a most important stage-trick, and the 
proper management of it is what peculiarly distinguishes the 
great actor from the mere plodding mechanical buffoon. Dif- 
ferent degrees of passion require different slaps, which we critics 
have reduced to a perfect manual, improving upon the principle 
adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding that an actor, like 
a soldier, is a mere machine ; as thus — the actor, for a minor 
burst of passion, merely slaps his pocket-hole ; good ! — for a 
major burst, he slaps his breast ; very good ! — but for a burst 
maximus, he whacks away at his forehead, like a brave fellow ; 
this is excellent ! — nothing can be finer than an exit, slapping 
the forehead from one end of the stage to the other." " Except," 
replied I, " one of those slaps on the breast, which I have some- 
times admired in some of our fat heroes and heroines, which 
make their whole body shake and quiver like a pyramid of 
jelly." 

The Philadelphian had listened to this conversation with pro- 
found attention, and appeared delighted with 'Sbidlikens' 
mechanical strictures ; 'twas natural enough in a man who 



COCKNEY CRITICISM. 131 

chose an actor as lie would a grenadier. He took the opportu- 
nity of a pause, to enter into a long conversation with my friend ; 
and was receiving a prodigious fund of information concerning 
the true mode of emphasizing conjunctions, shifting scenes, snuff- 
ing candles, and making thunder and lightning, better than you 
can get every day from the sky, as practised at the royal thea- 
tres ; when, as ill luck would have it, they happened to run 
their heads full butt against a new reading. Now this was " a 
stumper," as our old friend Paddle would say ; for the Philadel- 
phians are as inveterate new-reading hunters as the cockneys ; 
and, for aught I know, as well skilled in finding them out. The 
Philadelphian thereupon met the cockney on his own ground, 
and at it they went, like two inveterate curs at a bone. 'Sbid- 
likens quoted Theobald, Hanmer, and a host of learned commen- 
tators, who have pinned themselves on the sleeve of Shakspeare's 
immortality, and made the old bard, like General Washington, 
in General Washington's life, a most diminutive figure in his own 
book ; his opponent chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, and 
thundered him forward like an elephant to bear down the ranks 
of the enemy. I was not long in discovering that these two 
precious judges had got hold of that unlucky passage of Shak- 
speare which, like a straw, has tickled, and puzzled, and con- 
founded many a somniferous buzzard of past and present time. 
It was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that heaven had 
made her such a man as Othello. 'Sbidlikens insisted, that " the 
gentle Desdemona " merely wished for such a man for a hus- 
band, which in all conscience was a modest wish enough, and 
very natural in a young lady who might possibly have had a 
predilection for flat noses ; like a certain philosophical great 
man of our da}'. The Philadelphian contended with all the 
vehemence of a member of Congress, moving the House to have 



132 SALMAGUNDI. 

" whereas," or " also," or " nevertheless," struck out of a bill, 
that the young lady wished heaven had made her a man instead 
of a woman, in order that she might have an opportunity of see- 
ing the " anthropophagi, and the men whose heads do grow 
beneath their shoulders f which was a very natural wish, con- 
sidering the curiosity of the sex. On being referred to, I incon- 
tinently decided in favor of the honorable member who spoke 
last ; inasmuch as I think it was a very foolish, and therefore 
very natural, wish for a young lady to make before a man she 
wished to marry. It was, moreover, an indication of the violent 
inclination she felt to wear the breeches, which was afterward, 
in all probability, gratified, if we may judge from the title of 
11 our captain's captain," given her by Cassio — a phrase which, in 
my opinion, indicates that Othello was, at that time, most igno- 
miniously hen-pecked. I believe my arguments staggered 'Sbid- 
likens himself, for he looked confoundedly queer, and said not 
another word on the subject. 

A little while after, at it he went again on another tack, and 
began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dying ; " it was not 
natural," he said; for it had lately been demonstrated by a 
learned doctor of physic, that when a man is mortally stabbed, 
he ought to take a flying leap of at least five feet, and drop 
down " dead as a salmon in a fishmonger's basket." Whenever 
a man, in the predicament above mentioned, departed from this- 
fundamental rule, by falling flat down like a log, and rolling 
about for two or three minutes, making speeches all the time, 
the said learned doctor maintained that it was owing to the 
waywardness of the human mind, which delighted in flying in 
the face of nature, and dying in defiance of all her established 
rules. I replied, " for my part, I held that every man had a 
right of dying in whatever position he pleased ; and that the 



NATURAL ACTING. 133 

mode of doing it depended altogether on the peculiar character 
of the person going to die. A Persian could not die in peace 
unless he had his face turned to the east ; a Mahometan would 
always choose to have his toward Mecca ; a Frenchman might 
prefer this mode of throwing a somerset ; but Mynheer Yan 
Brumblebottoni, the Roscius of Rotterdam, always chose to 
thunder down on his seat of honor whenever he received a 
mortal wound. Being a man of ponderous dimensions, this had 
a most electrifying effect, for the whole theatre ' shook like 
Olympus at the nod of Jove.' " The Philadelphian was imme- 
diately inspired with a pun, and swore that Mynheer must be 
great in a dying scene, since he knew how to make the most of 
his latter end. 

It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that an actor does not 
perform the character naturally, if, by chance, he happens not 
to die exactly as they would have him. I think the exhibition 
of a play at Pekin would suit them exactly ; and I wish, with 
all my heart, that they would go there and see one ; nature is 
there imitated with the most scrupulous exactness in every trifling 
particular. Here an unhappy lady or gentleman, who happens, 
unluckily, to be poisoned or stabbed, is left on the stage to 
writhe and groan, and make faces at the audience, until the poet 
pleases they should die ; while the honest folks of the dramatis 
persona, bless their hearts ! all crowd round and yield most 
potent assistance, by crying and lamenting most vociferously ! 
The audience, tender souls, pull out their white pocket-handker- 
chiefs, wipe their eyes, blow their noses, and swear it is natural 
as life, while the poor actor is left to die without common Christ- 
ian comfort. In China, on the contrary, the first thing they do is 
to run for the doctor and tchoou,c, or notary. The audience are 
entertained throughout the fifth act with a learned consultation 



134: SALMAGUNDI. 

of physicians, and if the patient must die, he does it secundum 
artem, and always is allowed time to make his will. The cele- 
brated Chow-Chow was the completest hand I ever saw at kill- 
ing himself ; he always carried under his robe a bladder of bull's 
blood, which, when he gave the mortal stab, spirted out to the 
infinite delight of the audience. Not that the ladies of China 
are more fond of the sight of blood than those of our own coun- 
try ; on the contrary, they are remarkably sensitive in this par- 
ticular ; and we are told by the great Linkum Fidelius, that 
the beautiful Ninny Consequa, one of the ladies of the emperor's 
seraglio, once fainted away on seeing a favorite slave's nose 
bleed ; since which time, refinement has been carried to such a 
pitch that a buskined hero is not allowed to run himself through 
the body in the face of the audience. The immortal Chow- 
Chow, in conformity to this absurd prejudice, whenever he plays 
the part of Othello, which is reckoned his 'master-piece, always 
keeps a bold front, stabs himself slyly behind, and is dead before 
anybody suspects that he has given the mortal blow. 

P. S. — Just as this was going to press, I was informed by 
Evergreen that Othello had not been performed here the Lord 
knows when ; no matter, I am not the first that has criticised a 
play without seeing it, and this critique will answer for the last 
performance, if that was a dozen years ago. 



OF GOVERNMENT. 135 



XO. YIL— SATUKDAY, APEIL 4, 1807. 

LETTER FROM MTJSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHABT, TO 
ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS 
HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

I PROMISED in a former letter, good Asem, that I would 
furnish thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the 
government by which I am held in durance. Though my inqui- 
ries for that purpose have been industrious, yet I am not per- 
fectly satisfied with their results ; for thou mayst easily imagine 
that the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mists of illu- 
sion and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must be 
limited indeed. I find that the people of this country are 
strangely at a loss to determine the nature and proper character 
of their government. Even their dervises are extremely in the 
dark as to this particular, and are continually indulging in the 
most preposterous disquisitions on the subject ; some have 
insisted that it savors of an aristocracy ; others maintain that it is 
a pure democracy; and a third set of theorists declare absolutely 
that it is nothing more or less than a mobocraey. The latter, I 
must confess, though still wide in error, have come nearest to the 
truth. Tou of course must understand the meaning of these dif- 
ferent words, as they are derived from the ancient Greek lan- 
guage, and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of these poor infi- 
dels, who cannot utter a learned phrase without laying the dead 



136 SALMAGUNDI. 

languages under contribution. A man, my clear Asem, who 
talks good sense in his native tongue, is held in tolerable estima- 
tion in this country ; but a fool, who clothes his feeble ideas in 
a foreign or antique garb, is bowed down to as a literary prodigy. 
While I conversed with these people in plain English, I was but 
little attended to ; but the moment I prosed away in Greek, 
every one looked up to me with veneration as an oracle. 

Although the dervises differ widely in the particulars above 
mentioned, yet they all agree in terming their government one of 
the most pacific in the known world. I cannot help pitying their 
ignorance, and smiling, at times, to see into what ridiculous 
errors those nations will wander, who are unenlightened by the 
precepts of Mahomet, our divine prophet, and uninstructed -by 
the five hundred and forty-nine books of wisdom of the immortal 
Ibrahim Hassan al Fusti. To call this nation pacific ! Most 
preposterous ! it reminds me of the title assumed by the 
sheik of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs, that desolate the 
valleys of Belsaden, who styles himself star of courtesy — beam 

OF THE MERCY-SEAT. 

The simple truth of the matter is, that these people are totally 
ignorant of their own true character ; for, according to the best 
of my observation, they are the most warlike, and I must say, 
the most savage nation that I have as yet discovered among all 
the barbarians. They are not only at war, in their own way, 
with almost every nation on earth, but they are at the same 
time engaged in the most complicated knot of civil wars that 
ever infested any poor unhappy country on which Allah has de- 
nounced his malediction ! 

To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these 
people themselves, their government is a pure unadulterated 
logocracy, or government of words. The whole nation does 



WOKDT BATTLE. 137 

everything viva, voce, or by word of mouth ; and in this manner 
is one of the most military nations in existence. Every man who 
has what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful 
stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright ; and is forever 
in a militant state. The country is entirely defended vi et lin- 
gua ; that is to say, by force of tongues. The account which I 
lately wrote to our friend, the snorer, respecting the immense 
army of six hundred men, makes nothing against this observa- 
tion ; that formidable body being kept up, as I have already 
observed, only to amuse their fair countrywomen by their splen- 
did appearance and nodding plumes ; and are, by way of dis- 
tinction, denominated the " defenders of the fair." 

In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little or no occasion 
for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offensive 
or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle, and paper 
war ; he who has the longest tongue, or readiest quill, is sure to 
gain the victory — will carry horror, abuse, and ink-shed into the 
very trenches of the enemy ; and, without mercy or remorse, put 
men, women and children, to the point of the — pen ! 

There is still preserved in this country some remains of that 
gothic spirit of knight-errantry, which so much annoyed the 
faithful in the middle ages of the hegira. As, notwithstanding 
their martial disposition, they are a people much given to com- 
merce and agriculture, and must, necessarily, at certain seasons 
be engaged in these employments, they have accommodated 
themselves by appointing knights, or constant warriors, incessant 
brawlers, similar to those who, in former ages, swore eternal 
enmity to the followers of our divine prophet. These knights, 
denominated editors or slang-whangers, are appointed in every 
town, village, and district, to carry on both foreign and internal 
warfare, and may be said to keep up a constant firing " in 



138 SALMAGUNDI. 

words." Oh, my friend, could you but witness the enormities 
sometimes committed by these tremendous slang-whangers, your 
very turban would rise with horror and astonishment. I have 
seen them extend their ravages even into the kitchens of their 
opponents, and annihilate the very cook with a blast ; and I do 
assure thee, I beheld one of these warriors attack a most vene- 
rable bashaw, and at one stroke of his pen lay him open from 
the waistband of his breeches to his chin ! 

There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence 
for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy, among the 
higher classes, to dethrone his highness, the present bashaw, and 
place another in his stead. I was mistaken when I formerly 
asserted to thee that this dissatisfaction arose from his wearing 
red breeches. It is true, the nation have long held that color in 
great detestation, in consequence of a dispute they had some 
twenty years since with the barbarians of the British islands. 
The color, however, is again rising into favor, as the ladies have 

transferred it to their heads from the bashaw's body. The 

true reason, I am told, is, that the bashaw absolutely refuses to 
believe in the deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass ; main- 
taining that this animal was never yet permitted to talk except 
in a genuine logocracy ; where, it is true, his voice may often 
be heard, and is listened to with reverence, as " the voice of the 
sovereign people." Nay, so far did he carry his obstinacy, that 
he absolutely invited a professed antediluvian from the Gallic 
empire, who Illuminated the whole country with his principles — 
and his nose. This was enough to set the nation in a blaze — 
every slang-whanger resorted to his tongue or his pen ; and for 
seven years have they carried on a most inhuman war, in which 
volumes of words have been expended, oceans of ink have been 
shed ; nor has any mercy been shown to age, sex, or condition. 



SLANG-WHANGING. 139 

Every day have these slang-whangers made furious attacks on 
each other, and upon their respective adherents ; discharging 
their heavy artillery, consisting of large sheets, loaded with 
scoundrel ! villain ! liar ! rascal ! nuniscull ! nincompoop ! dun- 
derhead ! wiseacre ! blockhead ! jackass ! and I do swear, by 
my beard, though I know thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in 
some of these skirmishes the grand bashaw himself has been 
woefully pelted ! yea, most ignominiously pelted ! — and yet have 
these talking desperadoes escaped without the bastinado ! 

Every now and then a slang-whanger, who has a longer head, 
or rather a longer tongue than the rest, will elevate his piece 
and discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled at the head 
of the emperor of Prance, the king of England, or, wouldst 
thou believe it, oh ! Asem, even at his sublime highness the ba- 
shaw of Tripoli ! These long pieces are loaded with single ball, 
or langrage, as tyrant ! usurper ! robber ! tiger ! monster ! — and 
thou mayest well suppose they occasion great distress and dis- 
may in the camps of the enemy, and are marvellously annoying 
to the crowned heads at which they are directed. The slang- 
whanger, though perhaps the mere champion of a village, hav- 
ing fired off his shot, struts about with great self-congratulation, 
chuckling at the prodigious bustle he must have occasioned, and 
seems to ask of every stranger, " Well, sir, what do they think 
of me in Europe ?" * This is sufficient to show you the manner 

NOTE, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

* The sage Mustapha, when he wrote the above paragraph, had pro- 
bably in his eye the following anecdote ; related either by Linkum Fide- 
lius, or Josephus Millerius, vulgarly called Joe Miller, of facetious me- 
mory. 

The captain of a slave-vessel; on his first landing on the coast of Gui- 
nea, observed under a palm-tree, a negro chief, sitting most majestically 



140 SALMAGUNDI. 

in which these bloody, or rather windy fellows fight ; it is the 
only mode allowable in a logocracy or government of words. I 
would also observe that their civil wars have a thousand rami- 
fications. 

While the fury of the battle rages in the metropolis, every 
little town and village has a distinct broil, growing like excre- 
scences out of the grand national altercation, or rather agitat- 
ing within it, like those complicated pieces of mechanism where 
there is a " wheel within a wheel." 

But in nothing is the verbose nature of this government more 
evident, than in its grand national divan, or congress, where the 
laws are framed : this is a blustering, windy assembly, where 
everything is carried by noise, tumult and debate ; for thou 
must know, that the members of this assembly do not meet 
together to find wisdom in the multitude of counsellors, but to 
wrangle, call each other hard names, and hear themselves talk. 
When the congress opens, the bashaw first sends them a long 
message, i. e. a huge mass of words — vox et preterea nihil, all 
meaning nothing ; because it only tells them what they per- 
fectly know already. Then the whole assembly are thrown into 
a ferment, and have a long talk about the quantity of words 
that are to be returned in answer to this message; and here 

on a stump ; while two women, with wooden spoons, were administering 
his favorite pottage of boiled rice ; which, as his imperial majesty was a 
little greedy, would part of it escape the place of destination and run down 
his chin. The watchful attendants were particularly careful to intercept 
these scape-grace particles, and return them to their proper port of entry. 
As the captain approached, in order to admire this curious exhibition of 
royalty, the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and saluted his 
visitor with the following pompous question — "Well, sir! what do they 
say of me in England?" 



ALL TALK AND NO CIDER. 141 

arise many disputes about the correction and alteration of "if 
so be's," and " how so ever's." A month, perhaps, is spent in 
thus determining the precise number of words the answer shall 
contain ; and then another, must probably, in concluding whe- 
ther it shall be carried to the bashaw on foot, on horseback, or 
in coaches. Having settled this weighty matter, they next fall 
to work upon the message itself, and hold as much chattering 
over it as so many magpies over an addled egg. This done, 
they divide the message into small portions, and deliver them 
into the hands of little juntoes of talkers, called committees ; 
these juntoes have each a world of talking about their respec- 
tive paragraphs, and return the results to the grand divan, 
which forthwith falls to and retalks the matter over more earn- 
estly than ever. Now after all, it is an even chance that the 
subject of this prodigious arguing, quarrelling, and talking, is an 
affair of no importance, and ends entirely in smoke. May it 
not then be said, the whole nation have been talking to no pur- 
pose ? The people, in fact, seem to be somewhat conscious of 
this propensity to talk, by which they are characterized, and 
have a favorite proverb on the subject, viz., " all talk and no 
cider f this is particularly applied when their congress, or 
assembly of all the sage chatterers of the nation, have chattered 
through a whole session, in a time of great peril and moment- 
ous event, and have done nothing but exhibit the length of their 
tongues and the emptiness of their heads. This has been the 
case more than once, my friend ; and to let thee into a secret, I 
have been told in confidence, that there have been absolutely 
several old women smuggled into congress from different parts 
of the empire ; who, having once got on the breeches, as thou 
mayest well imagine, have taken the lead in debate, and over- 
whelmed the whole assembly with their garrulity ; for my part, 



142 SALMAGUNDI. 

as times go, I do not see why old women should not be as eligi- 
ble to public councils as old men who possess their dispositions ; 
— they certainly are eminently possessed of the qualifications 
requisite to govern in a logocracy. 

Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, can be done in this 
country without talking ; but they take so long to talk over a 
measure, that by the time they have determined upon adopting 
it, the period has elapsed which was proper for carrying it into 
effect. Unhappy nation ! thus torn to pieces by intestine 
talks! never, I fear, will it be restored to tranquillity and silence. 
Words are but breath ; breath is but air ; and air put into 
motion is nothing but wind. This vast empire, therefore, may 
be compared to nothing more or less than a mighty windmill, 
and the orators, and the chatterers, and the slang-whangers, 
are the breezes that put it in motion ; unluckily, however, they 
are apt to blow different ways, and their blasts counteracting 
each other — the mill is perplexed, the wheels stand still, the 
grist is unground, and the miller and his family starved. 

Everything partakes of the windy nature of the government. 
In case of any domestic grievance, or an insult from a foreign 
foe, the people are all in a buzz ; — town-meetings are immedi- 
ately held where the quidnuncs of the city repair, each like an 
Atlas, with the cares of the whole nation upon his shoulders, 
each resolutely bent upon saving his country, and each swelling 
and strutting like a turkey-cock ; puffed up with words, and 
wind, and nonsense. After bustling, and buzzing, and bawling 
for some time, and after each man has shown himself to be indu- 
bitably the greatest personage in the meeting, they pass a string 
of resolutions, i. e. words, which were previously prepared for 
the purpose ; these resolutions are whimsically denominated the 
sense of the meeting, and are sent off for the instruction of the 



THE BASHAW. 143 

reigning bashaw, who receives them graciously, puts them into 
his red breeches pocket, forgets to read them — and so the mat- 
ter ends. 

As to his highness, the present bashaw, who is at the very 
top of the logocracy, never was a dignitary better qualified for 
his station. He is a man of superlative ventosity, and compa- 
rable to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of van- 
quishing all opposition by the force of reason and philosophy : 
throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and defies 
them to meet him — on the field of argument! Is the national 
dignity insulted, a case in which his highness of Tripoli would 
immediately call forth his forces, — the bashaw of America — 
utters a speech. Does a foreign invader molest the commerce 
in the very mouth of the harbors, an insult which would induce 
his highness of Tripoli to order out his fleets, — his highness of 
America — utters a speech. Are the free citizens of America 
dragged from on board the vessels of their country, and forci- 
bly detained in the war ships of another — his highness utters 
a speech. Is a peaceable citizen killed by the marauders of a 
foreign power, on the very shores of his country — his highness 
utters a speech. Does an alarming insurrection break out in a 
distant part of the empire — his highness utters a speech ! — 
nay, more, for here he shows his " energies :" — he most intre- 
pidly dispatches a courier on horseback, and orders him to ride 
one hundred and twenty miles a day, with a most formidable 
army of proclamations, i. e. a collection of words, packed up in 
his saddle-bags. He is instructed to show no favor nor affec- 
tion ; but to charge the thickest ranks of the enemy, and to 
speechify and batter by words the conspiracy and the conspira- 
tors out of existence. Heavens, my friend, what a deal of 
blustering is here ! It reminds me of a dunghill cock in a farm- 



144 SALMAGUNDI. 

yard, who, having accidentally in his scratchings found a worm, 
immediately begins a most vociferous cackling — calls around 
him his hen-hearted companions, who run chattering from all 
quarters to gobble up the poor little worm that happened to 
turn under his eye. Oh, Asem ! Asem ! on what a prodigious 
great scale is everything in this country ! 

Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The infidel nations 
have each a separate characteristic trait, by which they may be 
distinguished from each other ; the Spaniards, for instance, 
may be said to sleep upon every affair of importance ; the 
Italians to fiddle upon everything ; the French to dance upon 
everything ; the Germans to smoke upon everything ; the 
British islanders to eat upon everything ; and the windy sub- 
jects of the American logocracy to talk upon everything. 

For ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FKOM THE MILL OF PIKDAK COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

HOW oft in musing mood my heart recalls, 
From grey-beard father Time's oblivious halls, 
The modes and maxims of my early day, 
Long in those dark recesses stow'd away : 
Drags once more to the cheerful realms of light 
Those buckram fashions, long since lost in night, 
And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise 
My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes ! 

Shades of my fathers ! in your pasteboard skirts, 
Your broidered waistcoats and your plaited shirts, 
Your formal ba<r-wigs — wide-extended cuffs, 



GOLDEN DAYS. . 145 

Your five-inch chitterlings and nine-inch ruffs ! 
Gods ! how ye strut, at times in all your state, 
Amid the visions of my thoughtful pate ! 
I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er, 
The modest foot scarce rising from the floor ; 
No thundering rigadoon with boisterous prance, 
No pigeon-wing disturb your contre-danse. 
But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, 
Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide ! 

Still in my mental eye each name appears — 
Each modest beauty of departed years ; 
Close by mamma I see her stately march, 
Or sit, in all the majesty of starch ; — 
When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand, 
I see her doubting, hesitating stand ; 
Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace, 
And sigh for her intended in his place ! 

Ah ! golden days ; when every gentle fair 
On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care 
Her Holy Bible, or her prayer-book o'er, 
Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore ; 
Travell'd with him the Pilgrim's Progress through, 
And storm'd the famous town of Man-soul too :- — 
Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar, 
And fought triumphant through the Holy War ; 
Or if, perchance, to lighter works inclined, 
They sought with novels to relax the mind, 
'Twas Grandison's politely formal page, 
Or Clelia or Pamela were the rage. 

No plays were then — theatrics were unknown — 
A learned pig — a dancing monkey shown — 
7 



146 SALMAGUNDI. 

The feats of Punch — a cunning juggler's sleight, 
"Were sure to fill each bosom with delight. 
An honest, simple, humdrum race we were, 
Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glare ; 
Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile, 
We knew not then the modern monster, Style : 
Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, 
Puffs boys to manhood, little girls to belles. 

Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair 
Are yielded to the dancing-master's care ; 
And, ere the head one mite of sense can gain, 
Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train. 
A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms, 
Our fair surrender to their very arms. 
And in the insidious waltz * will swim and twine, 
And whirl and languish tenderly divine ! 
Oh, how I hate this loving, hugging dance ; 
This imp of Germany brought up in France : 
Nor can I see a niece its windings trace, 
But all the honest blood glows in my face. 
" Sad, sad refinement this," I often say ; 
"'Tis modesty indeed refined away ! 
" Let France its whim, its sparkling wit supply, 
"The easy grace that captivates the eye ; 
" But curse their waltz — their loose lascivious arts, 
" That smooth our manners, to corrupt our hearts !" 9 
Where now those books, from which in days of yore 
Our mothers gained their literary store ? 
Alas ! stiff-skirted Grandison gives place 
To novels of a new and rakish race ; 
And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore, 



THE STAGE. 147 

To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore. 
And, last of all, behold the mimic stage, 
Its morals lend to polish off the age, 
With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, 
Garnished with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald, 
With puns most puny, and a plenteous store 
Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. 
Or see, more fatal, graced with every art 
To charm and captivate the female heart, 
The false, ''the gallant, gay Lothario" smiles, 8 
And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles ; — 
In glowing colors paint Calista's wrongs, 
And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs. 
When Cooper lends his fascinating powers, 
Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers, 
Pleased with his manly grace, his youthful fire, 
Our fair are lured the villain to admire ; 
While humbler virtue, like a stalking horse, 
Struts clumsily and croaks in honest Morse. 

Ah, hapless days ! when trials thus combined, 
In pleasing garb assail the female mind ; 
When every smooth, insidious snare is spread 
To sap the morals and delude the head ! 
Not Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, 
To prove their faith and virtue here below, 
Could more an angel's helping hand require 
To guide their steps uninjured through the fire, 
Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied, 
The holy trio in the proof had died. 
If, then, their manly vigor sought supplies 
From the bright stranger in celestial guise, 



148 SALMAGUNDI. 

Alas ! can we from feebler natures claim, 
To brave seduction's ordeal, free from blame ; 
To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore, 
Though angel missions bless the earth no more ! 



NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

1 Waltz.] As many of the retired matrons of this city, unskilled 
in kt gestic lore," are doubtless ignorant of the movements and 
figures of this modest exhibition, I will endeavor to give some 
account of it, in order that they may learn what odd capers 
their daughters sometimes cut when from under their guardian 
wings. 

On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes the 
lady round her waist ; the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, 
very politely takes the gentleman round the neck, with one arm 
resting against his shoulder to prevent encroachments. Away then 
they go, about, and about, and about — " About what, sir?" — about 
the room madam, to be sure. The whole economy of this dance 
consists in turning round and round the room in a certain mea- 
sured step : and it is truly astonishing that this continued revolu- 
tion does not set all their heads swimming like a top ; but I have 
been positively assured that it only occasions a gentle sensation 
which is marvellously agreeable. In the course of this circumna- 
vigation, the dancers, in order to give the charm of variety, are 
continually changing their relative situations ; — now the gentleman, 
meaning no harm in the world, I assure you, madam, carelessly 
flings his arm about the lady's neck, with an air of celestial impu- 
dence ; and anon, the lady, meaning as little harm as the gentle- 
man, takes him round the waist with most ingenuous modest lan- 
guishment, to the great delight of numerous spectators and ama- 



THE WALTZ. 149 

teurs, who generally form a ring, as the mob do about a pair of 
amazons pulling caps, or a couple of fighting mastiffs. 

After continuing this divine interchange of hands, arms, et 
cetera, for half an hour or so, the lady begins to tire, and with 
" eyes upraised," in most bewitching languor petitions her partner 
for a little more support. This is always given without hesitation. 
The lady leans gently on his shoulder, their arms entwine in a 
thousand seducing mischievous curves — don't be alarmed, madam 
— closer and closer they approach each other, and in conclusion, 
the parties being overcome with ecstatic fatigue, the lady seems 
almost sinking into the gentleman's arms, and then — " Well, sir ! 
and what then ?" — Lord, madam, how should I know ? 

2 . ] My friend Pindar, and in fact our whole junto, has been 
accused of an unreasonable hostility to the French nation ; and I 
am informed by a Parisian correspondent, that our first number 
played the very devil in the court of St. Cloud. His imperial 
majesty got into a most outrageous passion, and being withal a 
waspish little gentleman, had nearly kicked his bosom friend, Tal- 
leyrand, out of the cabinet, in paroxysms of his wrath. He 
insisted upon it that the nation was assailed in its most vital part, 
being, like Achilles, extremely sensitive to any attacks upon the 
heel. When my correspondent sent off his dispatches, it was still 
in doubt what measures would be adopted ; but it was strongly 
suspected that vehement representations would be made to our 
government. Willing, therefore, to save our executive from any 
embarrassment on the subject, and above all, from the disagree- 
able alternative of sending an apology by the Hoenet, we do 
a5sure Mr. Jefferson, that there is nothing further from our 
thoughts than the subversion of the Gallic empire, or any attack 
on the interests, tranquillity, or reputation of the nation at large, 
which we seriously declare possesses the highest rank in our esti- 
mation. Nothing less than the national welfare could have 
induced us to trouble ourselves with this explanation ; and in the 
name of the junto, I once more declare, that when we toast a 



150 SALMAGUNDI. 

Frenchman we merely mean one of these inconnus, who swarmed 
to this country from the kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, 
Bordeaux, and Marseilles— played game of leap-frog at all our 
balls and assemblies — set this unhappy town hopping mad — and 
passed themselves off on our tender-hearted damsels for unfortu- 
nate noblemen — ruined in the revolution ! Such only can wince at 
the lash, and accuse us of severity ; and we should be mortified in 
the extreme if they did not feel our well-intended castigation. 

3 Fair Penitent.'] The story of this play if told in its native 
language, would exhibit a scene of guilt and shame, which no 
modest ear could listen to without shrinking with disgust; but, 
arrayed as it is, in all the splendor of harmonious, rich, and 
polished verse, it steals into the heart like some gay, luxurious, 
smooth-faced villain, andr betrays it insensibly to immorality and 
vice ; our very sympathy is enlisted on the side of guilt ; and the 
piety of Altamont, and the gentleness of Lavinia, are lost in the 
splendid debaucheries of the "gallant, gay Lothario," and the 
blustering, hollow repentance of the fair Calista, whose sorrow 
reminds us of that of Pope's Heloise — " I mourn the lover, not 
lament the fault." Nothing is more easy than to banish such plays 
from our stage. Were our ladies, instead of crowding to see them 
again and again repeated, to discourage their exhibition by absence, 
the stage would soon be indeed the school of morality, and the 
number of "Fair Penitents," in all probability, diminish. 



A BACKWARD SPRING. 151 



NO. VIIL— SATUKDAY, APEIL 18, 1807. 
BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

" In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow, 
Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow ; 
Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, 
There is no living with thee— nor without thee." 

6 4 ^VTEVER, in the memory of the oldest inhabitant, has 
ll there been known a more backward spring." This 
is the universal remark among the almanac quidnuncs, and 
weather-wiseacres of the day; and I have heard it at least fifty- 
five times from old Mrs. Cockloft, who, poor woman, is one of 
those walking almanacs that foretell every snow, rain, or frost, 
by the shooting of corns, a pain in the bones, or an "ugly 
stitch in the side." I do not recollect, in the whole course of 
my life, to have seen the month of March indulge in such 
untoward capers, caprices, and coquetries, as it has done this 
year : I might have forgiven these vagaries, had they not com- 
pletely knocked up my friend Langstaff ; whose feelings are 
ever at the mercy of a weathercock, whose spirits sink and rise 
with the mercury of a barometer, and to whom an east wind is 
as obnoxious as a Sicilian sirocco. He was tempted some time 
since, by the fineness of the weather, to dress himself with more 
than ordinary care, and take his morning stroll ; but before he 
had half finished his peregrination, he was utterly discomfited, 



152 SALMAGUNDI. 

and driven home by a tremendous squall of wind, hail, rain, and 
snow, or, as he testily termed it, "a most villainous congrega- 
tion of vapors." 

This was too much for the patience of friend Launcelot ; he 
declared he would humor the weather no longer in its whim- 
whams ; and, according to his immemorial custom on these 
occasions, retreated in high dudgeon to his elbow-chair to lie in 
of the spleen and rail at nature for being so fantastical : " Con- 
found the jade," he frequently exclaims, " what a pity nature 
had not been of the masculine instead of the feminine gender ; 
the almanac-makers might then have calculated with some 
degree of certainty." 

When Langstaff invests himself with the spleen, and gives 
audience to the blue devils from his elbow-chair, I would not 
advise any of his friends to come within gun-shot of his citadel 
with the benevolent purpose of administering consolation or 
amusement ; for he is then as crusty and crabbed as that famous 
coiner of false money, Diogenes himself. Indeed his room is at 
such times inaccessible ; and old Pompey is the only soul that 
can gain admission, or ask a question with impunity ; the truth 
is, that on these occasions there is not a straw's difference 
between them, for Pompey is as grum and grim and cynical as 
his master. 

Launcelot has now been above three weeks in this desolate 
situation, and has, therefore, had but little to do in our last 
number. As he could not be prevailed on to give any account 
of himself in our introduction, I will take the opportunity of his 
confinement, while his back is turned, to give a slight sketch of 
his character — fertile in whim-whams and bachelorisms, but rich 
in many of the sterling qualities of our nature. Annexed to 
this article, our readers will perceive a striking likeness of my 



ANTIQUITY OF THE LANGSTAFFS. 153 

friend which was taken by that cunning rogue, Will Wizard, 
who peeped through the key-hole and sketched it off, as 
honest Launcelot sat by the fire, wrapped up in his flannel role 
de ckambre, and indulging in a mortal fit of the hyp. Now take 
my word for it, gentle reader, this is the most auspicious 
moment in which to touch off the phiz of a genuine humorist. 

Of the antiquity of the Langstaff family I can say but little ; 
except that I have no doubt it is equal to that of most families 
who have the privilege of making their own pedigree, without 
the impertinent interposition of a college of Heralds. My friend 
Launcelot is not a man to blazon anything ; but I have heard 
him talk with great complacency of his ancestor, Sir Rowland, 
who was a dashing buck in the days of Hardiknute, and broke 
the head of a gigantic Dane, at a game of quarter-staff, in pre- 
sence of the whole court. In memory of this gallant exploit, 
Sir Rowland was permitted to take the name of Langstoffe, 
and to assume as a crest to his arms a hand grasping a cudgel. 
It is, however, a foible so ridiculously common in this country 
for people to claim consanguinity with all the great personages 
of their own name in Europe, that I should put but little faith 
in this family boast of friend Langstaff, did I not know him to 
be a man of most unquestionable veracity. 

The whole world knows already that my friend is a bachelor; 
for he is, or pretends to be, exceedingly proud of his personal 
independence, and takes care to make it known in all companies 
where strangers are present. He is forever vaunting the pre- 
cious state of " single blessedness," and was, not long ago, con- 
siderably startled at a proposition of one of his great favorites, 
Miss Sophy Sparkle, "that old bachelors should be taxed as 
luxuries." Launcelot immediately hied him home and wrote a 
tremendous long representation in their behalf, which I am 



154: • SALMAGUNDI. 

resolved to publish if it is ever attempted to carry the measure 
into operation. Whether he is sincere in these professions, or 
whether his present situation is owing to choice or disappoint- 
ment, he only can tell ; but if he ever does tell, I will suffer 
myself to be shot by the first lady's eye that can twang an 
arrow. In his youth he was forever in love ; but it was his 
misfortune to be continually crossed and rivalled by his bosom 
friend and contemporary beau, Pindar Cockloft, Esq., for as 
Langstaff never made a confidant on these occasions, his friend 
never knew which way his affections pointed ; and so, between 
them both, the lady generally slipped through their fingers. 

It has ever been the misfortune of Launcelot, that he could 
not for the soul of him restrain a good thing ; and this fatality 
has drawn upon him the ill-will of many whom he would not 
have offended for the world. With the kindest heart under 
heaven, and the most benevolent disposition toward every being 
around him, he has been continually betrayed by the mischievous 
vivacity of his fancy, and the good-humored waggery of his feel- 
ings, into satirical sallies which have been treasured up by the 
invidious, and retailed out with the bitter sneer of malevolence, 
instead of the playful hilarity of countenance which originally 
sweetened and tempered and disarmed them of their sting. 
These misrepresentations have gained him many reproaches and 
lost him many a friend. 

This unlucky characteristic played the mischief with him in 
one of his love affairs. He was, as I have before observed, 
often opposed in his gallantries by that formidable rival, Pindar 
Cockloft, Esq., and a most formidable rival he was ; for he had 
Apollo, the nine muses, together with all the joint tenants of 
Olympus to back him ; and everybody knows what important 
confederates they are to a lover. Poor Launcelot stood no 



LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF. 155 

chance ; the lady was cooped up in the poet's corner of every 
weekly paper j and at length Pindar attacked her with a son- 
net, that took up a whole column, in which he enumerated at 
least a dozen cardinal virtues, together with innumerable others 
of inferior consideration. Launcelot saw his case was desperate, 
and that unless he sat down forthwith, be-cherubimed and 
be-angeled her to the skies, and put every virtue under the sun 
in requisition, he might as well go hang himself, and so make an 
end of the business. At it, therefore, he went ; and was going 
on very swimmingly, for in the space of a dozen hues he had 
enlisted under her command at least three score and ten sub- 
stantial house-keeping virtues, when unlucklily for Launcelot's 
reputation as a poet and the lady's as a saint, one of those con- 
founded good thoughts struck his laughter-loving brain — it was 
irresistible ; away he went, full sweep before the wind, cutting 
and slashing, and tickled to death with his own fun : the conse- 
quence was, that by the time he had finished, never was poor 
lady so most ludicrously lampooned since lampooning came into 
fashion. But this was not half ; so hugely was Launcelot 
pleased with this frolic of his wits, that nothing would do but 
he must show it to the lady, who, as well she might, was mor- 
tally offended, and forbid him her presence. My friend was in 
despair, but, through the interference of his generous rival, was 
permitted to make his apology, which, however, most unluckily 
happened to be rather worse than the original offence ; for 
though he had studied an eloquent compliment, yet as ill-luck 
would have it, a most preposterous whim-wham knocked at his 
pericranium, and inspired him to say some consummate good 
things, which, all put together, amounted to a downright hoax, 
and provoked the lady's wrath to such a degree, that sentence 
of eternal banishment was awarded against him. 



156 SALMAGUNDI. 

Launcelot was inconsolable, and determined in the true style 
of novel heroics to make the tour of Europe, and endeavor to 
lose the recollection of this misfortune amongst the gaieties of 
France, and the classic charms of Italy ; he accordingly took 
passage in a vessel, and pursued his voyage prosperously as 
far as Sandy-Hook, where he was seized with a violent fit of 
sea-sickness ; at which he was so affronted that he put his port- 
manteau into the first pilot-boat, and returned to town com- 
pletely cured of his love and his rage for travelling. 

I pass over the subsequent amours of my friend Langstaff, 
being but little acquainted with them ; for, as I have already 
mentioned, he never was known to make a confidant of anybody. 
He always affirmed that a man must be a fool to fall in love, 
but an idiot to boast of it ; ever denominated it the villainous 
passion ; lamented that it could not be cudgelled out of the 
human heart ; and yet could no more live without being in love 
with somebody or other than he could without whim-whams. 

My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive irritability of 
nerve, and I am acquainted with no one so susceptible of the 
petty " miseries of human life ;" yet its keener evils and misfor- 
tunes he bears without shrinking, and however they may prey 
in .secret on his happiness, he never complains. This was strik- 
ingly evinced in an affair where his heart was deeply and irrevo- 
cably concerned, and in which his success was ruined by one for 
whom he had long cherished a warm friendship. The circum- 
stance cut poor Langstaff to the very soul ; he was not seen in 
company for months afterward, and for a long time he seemed 
to retire within himself, and battle with the poignancy of his 
feelings ; but not a murmur or a reproach was heard to fall from 
his lips, though, at the mention of his friend's name, a shade of 
melancholy might be observed stealing across his face, and his 



ANTIPATHIES. 157 

voice assumed a touching tone, that seemed to say, he remem- 
bered his treachery " more in sorrow than in anger." This 
affair has given a slight tinge of sadness to his disposition, which, 
however, does not prevent his entering into the amusements of 
the world ; the only effect it occasions, is that you may occa- 
sionally observe him, at the end of a lively conversation, sink for 
a few minutes into an apparent forgetfulness of surrounding 
objects, during which time he seems to be indulging in some 
melancholy retrospection. 

Laugstaff inherited from his father a love of literature, a dis- 
position for castle-building, a mortal enemity to noise, a sove- 
reign antipathy to cold weather and brooms, and a plentiful 
stock of whim-whams. From the delicacy of his nerves he is 
peculiarly sensible to discordant sounds ; the rattling of a wheel- 
barrow is " horrible f the noise of children " drives him dis- 
tracted f and he once left excellent lodgings merely because the 
lady of the house wore high-heeled shoes, in which she clattered 
up and down stairs, till, to use his own emphatic expression, 
" they made life loathsome " to him. He suffers annual martyr- 
dom from the razor-edged zephyrs of our " balmy spring," and 
solemnly declares that the boasted month of May has become a 
perfect " vagabond." As some people have a great antipathy to 
cats, and can tell when one is locked up in a closet, so Launce- 
lot declares his feelings always announce to him the neighbor- 
hood of a broom ; a household implement which he abominates 
above all others. Nor is there any living animal in the world 
that he holds in more utter abhorrence than what is ususally 
termed a notable housewife ; a pestilent being, who, he protests, 
is the bane of goodfellowship, and has a heavy charge to answer 
for the many offences committed against the ease, comfort, and 
social enjoyments of sovereign man. He told me, not long ago, 



158 SALMAGUNDI. 

" that he had rather see one of the weird sisters flourish 
through his key-hole on a broomstick, than one of the servant 
maids enter the door with a besom." 

My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere in his attachments, 
which are confined to a chosen few, in whose society he loves to 
give free scope to his whimsical imagination ; he, however, min- 
gles freely with the world, though more as a spectator than an 
actor ; and without an anxiety, or hardly a care to please, is 
generally received with welcome and listened to with compla- 
cency. When he extends his hand it is in a free, open, liberal 
style ; and when you shake it, you feel his honest heart throb in 
its pulsations. Though rather fond of gay exhibitions, he does 
not appear so frequently at balls and assemblies since the intro- 
duction of the drum, trumpet, and tamborine ; all of which he 
abhors on account of the rude attack they make on his organs 
of hearing : in short, such is his antipathy to noise, that though 
exceedingly patriotic, yet he retreats every fourth of July to 
Cockloft Hall, in order to get out of the way of the hubbub and 
confusion which make so considerable a part of the pleasure of 
that splendid anniversary. 

I intend this article as a mere sketch of Langstaff's multifari- 
ous character ; his innumerable whim-whams will be exhibited 
by himself, in the course of this work, in all their strange varie- 
ties ; and the machinery of his mind, more intricate than the 
most subtile piece of clock-work, be fully explained. And trust 
me, gentlefolk, his are the whim-whams of a courteous gentleman 
full of most excellent qualities ; honorable in his disposition, 
independent in his sentiments, and of unbounded good nature, as 
may be seen through all his works. 



A HXMOKIST OF A WORD. 159 

ON" STYLE. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

style, a manner of writing ; title ; pin of a dial ; the pistil of plants. 

Johnson, 

style, is style. Linkum Fidelius. 

NOW I would not give a straw for either of the above 
definitions, though I think the latter is by far the most 
satisfactory ; and I do wish sincerely every modern numskull, 
who takes hold of a subject he knows nothing about, would 
adopt honest Linkum's mode of explanation. Blair's Lectures 
on this article have not thrown a whit more light on the subject 
of my inquiries ; they puzzled me just as much as did the learned 
and laborious expositions and illustrations of the worthy profes- 
sor of our college, in the middle of which I generally had the ill 
luck to fall asleep. 

This same word style, though but a diminutive word, assumes 
to itself more contradictions, and significations, and eccentrici- 
ties, than any monosyllable in the language is legitimately enti- 
tled to. It is an arrant little humorist of a word, and full of 
whim-whams, which occasions me to like it hugely ; but it puz- 
zled me most wickedly on my first return from a long residence 
abroad, having crept into fashionable use during my absence ; 
and had it not been for friend Evergreen, and that thrifty sprig 
of knowledge, Jeremy Cockloft the younger, I should have re- 
mained to this day ignorant of its meaning. 

Though it would seem that the people of all countries are 
equally vehement in the pursuit of this phantom, style, yet in 



160 SALMAGUNDI. 

almost all of them there is a strange diversity in opinion as to 
what constitutes is essence ; and every different class, like the 
pagan nations, adore it under a different form. In England, 
for instance, an honest cit packs up himself, his family and his 
style, in a buggy or tim-whisky, and rattles away on Sunday 
with his fair partner, blooming beside him, like an Eastern bride, 
and two chubby children, squatting like Chinese images at his 
feet. A baronet requires a chariot and pair ; a lord must needs 
have a barouche and four ; but a duke — oh ! a duke cannot 
possibly lumber his style along under a coach and six, and half 
a score of footmen into the bargain. In China a puissant Man- 
darin loads at least three elephants with style; and an overgrown 
sheep at the Cape of Good Hope, trails along his tail and his 
style on a wheelbarrow. In Egypt, or at Constantinople, style 
consists in the quantity of fur and fine clothes a lady can put on 
without danger of suffocation ; here it is otherwise, and consists 
in the quantity she can put off without the risk of freezing. A 
Chinese lady is thought prodigal of her charms if she expose the 
tip of her nose, or the ends of her fingers, to the ardent gaze of 
bystanders ; and I recollect that all Canton was in a buzz in 
consequence of the great belle, Miss Nangfous, peeping out of 
the window with her face uncovered ! Here the style is to show 
not only the face, but the neck, shoulders, etc. ; and a lady 
never presumes to hide them except when she is not at home, 
and not sufficiently undressed to see company. 

This style has ruined the peace and harmony of many a wor- 
thy household ; for no sooner do they set up for style, but 
instantly all the honest old comfortable sans ceremonie furniture 
is discarded ; and you stalk cautiously about, amongst the 
uncomfortable splendor of Grecian chairs, Egyptian tables, Tur- 
key carpets, and Etruscan vases. This vast improvement in fur- 



BELL BRAZEN. 161 

niture demands an increase in the domestic establishment ; and 
a family that once required two or three servants for conve- 
nience, now employs half a dozen for style. 

Bell Brazen, late favorite of my unfortunate friend Dessa- 
lines, was one of these patterns of style ; and whatever freak 
she was seized with, however preposterous, was implicitly fol- 
lowed by all who would be considered as admitted in the stylish 
arcana. She was once seized with a whim-wham that tickled 
the whole court. She could not lay down to take an after- 
noon's loll, but she must have one servant to scratch her head, 
two to tickle her feet, and a fourth to fan her delectable person 
while she slumbered. The thing took — it became the rage, 
and not a sable belle in all Hayti but what insisted upon being 
fanned, and scratched, and tickled in the true imperial style. 
Sneer not at this picture, my most excellent townswomen, for 
who among you but are daily following fashions equally absurd ? 

Style, according to Evergreen's account, consists in certain 
fashions, or certain eccentricities, or certain manners of certain 
people, in certain situations, and possessed of a certain share of 
fashion or importance. A red cloak, for instance, on the shoul- 
ders of an old market-woman is regarded with contempt : it is 
vulgar, it is odious : fling, however, its usurping rival, a red 
shawl, over the fine figure of a fashionable belle, and let her 
flame away with it in Broadway, or in a ball-room, and it is 
immediately declared to be the style. 

The modes of attaining this certain situation, which entitle 
its holder to style, are various and opposite : the most ostensi- 
ble is the attainment of wealth, the possession of which changes 
at once the pert airs of vulgar ignorance into fashionable ease 
and elegant vivacity. It is highly amusing to observe the gra- 
dation of a family aspiring to style, and the devious windings 



162 SALMAGUNDI. 

they pursue iu order to attain it. While beating up against 
wind and tide, they are the most complaisant beings in the 
world ; they keep " booing and booing," as M'Sycophant 
says, until you would suppose them incapable of standing 
upright ; they kiss their hands to everybody who has the least 
claim to style ; their familiarity is intolerable, and they absolu- 
tely overwhelm you with their friendship and loving kindness. 
But having once gained the envied preeminence, never were 
beings in the world more changed. They assume the most 
intolerable caprices : at one time, address you with importunate 
sociability ; at another, pass you by with silent indifference ; 
sometimes sit up in their chairs in all the majesty of dignified 
silence ; and at another time bounce about with all the obstre- 
perous ill-bred noise of a little hoyden just broke loose from a 
boarding-school. 

Another feature which distinguishes these new-made fashion- 
ables, is the inveteracy with which they look down upon the 
honest people who are struggling to climb up to the same 
envied height. They never fail to salute them with the most 
sarcastic reflections ; and like so many worthy hodmen, clamber- 
ing a ladder, each one looks down upon his next neighbor 
below, and makes no scruple of shaking the dust off his shoes 
into his eyes. Thus by dint of perseverance, merely, they come 
to be considered as established denizens of the great world ; as 
in some barbarous ' nations an oyster shell is of sterling value, 
and a copper washed counter will pass current for genuine gold. 

In no instance have I seen this grasping after style more 
whimsically exhibited, than in the family of my old ( acquain- 
tance, Timothy Giblet. I recollect old Giblet when I was a 
boy, and he was the most surly curmudgeon I ever knew. He 
was a perfect scare-crow to the small-fry of the day, and inhe- 



TIMOTHY GIBLET. 163 

rited the hatred of all these unlucky little shavers : for never 
could we assemble about his door of an evening to play, and 
make a little hubbub, but out he sallied from his nest like a spi- 
der, flourished his formidable horse-whip, and dispersed the 
whole crew in the twinkling of a lamp. I perfectly remember 
a bill he sent in to my father for a pane of glass I had acciden- 
tally broken, which came well-nigh getting me a sound flog- 
ging ; and I remember as perfectly that the next night I 
revenged myself by breaking half a dozen. 

Giblet was as arrant a grubworm as ever crawled ; and the 
only rules of right and wrong he cared a button for, were the 
rules of multiplication and addition, which he practised much 
more successfully than he did any of the rules of religion or 
morality. He used to declare they were the true golden rules ; 
and he took special care to put Cocker's arithmetic in the hands 
of his children, before they had read ten pages in the Bible or 
the Prayer-book. The practice of these favorite maxims was at 
length crowned with the harvest of success ; and after a life of 
self-denial and starvation, and after enduring all the pounds, 
shillings, and pence miseries of a miser, he had the satisfaction 
of seeing himself worth a plum, and of dying just as he had 
determined to enjoy the remainder of his days in contemplating 
his great wealth and accumulating mortages. 

His children inherited his money ; but they buried the dispo- 
sition, and every other memorial of their father, in his grave. 
Fired with a noble thirst for style, they instantly emerged from 
the retired lane in which themselves and their accomplishments 
had hitherto been buried ; and they blazed, and they whizzed, 
and they cracked about town, like a nest of squibs and devils in a 
firework. I can liken their sudden eclat to nothing but that of 
the locust, which is hatched in the dust, where it increases and 



164 SALMAGUNDI. 

swells up to maturity, and after feeling for a moment the vivify- 
ing rays of the sun, bursts forth a mighty insect, and nutters, and 
rattles, and buzzes from every tree. The little warblers who 
have long cheered the woodlands with their dulcet notes, are 
stunned by the discordant racket of these upstart intruders, and 
contemplate, in contemptuous silence, their tinsel and their 
noise. 

Having once started, the Giblets were determined that no- 
thing should stop them in their career, until they had run their 
full course , and arrived at the very tip top of style. Every tailor, 
every shoemaker, every coachmaker, every milliner, every man- 
tuamaker, every paper-hanger, every piano teacher, and every 
dancing-master in the city, were enlisted in their service ; and 
the willing wights most courteously answered their call ; and fell 
to work to build up the fame of the Giblets, as they had done 
that of many an aspiring family before them. In a little time 
the young ladies could dance the waltz, thunder Lodoiska, mur-« 
der French, kill time, and commit violence on the face of nature 
in a landscape in water-colors, equal to the best lady in the land ; 
and the young gentlemen were seen lounging at corners of 
streets, and driving tandem ; heard talking loud at the theatre, 
and laughing in church, with as much ease, and grace, and mo- 
desty, as if they had been gentlemen all the days of their lives. 

And the Giblets arrayed themselves in scarlet, and in fine 
linen, and seated themselves in high places ; but nobody noticed 
them except to honor them with a little contempt . The Giblets 
made a prodigious splash in their own opinion ; but nobody 
extolled them except the ^ailors, and the milliners who had been 
employed in manufacturing their paraphernalia. The Giblets 
thereupon being, like Caleb Quotem, determined to have "a 
place at the review," fell to work more fiercely than ever ; they 



GETTING INTO NOTICE. 165 

gave dinners, and they gave balls, they hired cooks, they hired 
fiddlers, they hired confectioners ; and they would have kept a 
newspaper in pay, had they not all been bought up at that time 
for the election. They invited the dancing-men and the dancing- 
women, and the gormandizers, and the epicures of the city, to 
come and make merry at their expense ; and the dancing-men, 
and the dancing-women, and the epicures, and the gormandizers 
did come ; and they did make merry at their expense ; and they 
eat, and they drank, and they capered, and they danced, and 
they — laughed at their entertainers. 

Then commenced the hurry and the bustle, and the mighty 
nothingness of fashionable life ; such rattling in coaches ! such 
flaunting in the streets ! such slamming of box doors at the the- 
atre ! such a tempest of bustle and unmeaning noise wherever 
they appeared ! The Giblets were seen here and there and 
everywhere ; they visited everybody they knew, and everybody 
they did not know ; and there was no getting along for the Gib- 
lets. Their plan at length succeeded. By dint of dinners, of 
feeding and frolicking the town, the Giblet family worked them- 
selves into notice, and enjoyed the ineffable pleasure of being 
forever pestered by visitors who cared nothing about them ; of 
being squeezed, and smothered, and parboiled at nightly balls 
and evening tea-parties ; they were allowed the privilege of for- 
getting the very few old friends they once possessed ; they 
turned their noses up in the wind at everything that was not 
genteel ; and their superb manners and sublime affectation at 
length left it no longer a matter of doubt that the Giblets were 
perfectly in style. 



166 SALMAGUNDI. 



'• Being, as it were, a small eontentmente in a never 

contenting subjecte ; a bitter pleasaunte taste of a sweete 
seasoned sower ; and, all in all, a more than ordinarie re- 
joycing, in an extraordinarie sorrow of delyghts. 

Link. Fidelius. 



WE have been considerably edified of late by several 
letters of advice from a number of sage correspondents, 
who really seem to know more about our work than we do our- 
selves. One warns us against saying anything more about 'Sbid- 
likens, who is a very particular friend of the writer, and who 
has a singular disinclination to be laughed at. This correspon- 
dent in particular inveighs against personalities, and accuses us 
of ill-nature in bringing forward old Fungus and Billy Dimple, as 
figures of fun to amuse the public. Another gentleman, who 
states that he is a near relation of the Cocklofts, proses away 
most soporifically on the impropriety of ridiculing a respectable 
old family ; and declares that if we make them and their whim- 
whams the subject of any more essays, he shall be under the 
necessity of applying to our theatrical champions for satisfaction. 
A third, who, by the crabbedness of the handwriting, and a few 
careless inaccuracies in the spelling, appears to be a lady, 
assures us that the Miss Cocklofts, and Miss Diana Wearwell, 

and Miss Dashaway, and Mrs. , Will Wizard's quondam 

flame, are so much obliged to us for our notice, that they intend 
in future to take no notice of us at all, but leave us out of all 
their tea-parties, for which we make them one of our best bows, 
and say, " thank you, ladies." 

We wish to heaven these good people would attend to their 
own affairs, if they have any to attend to, and let us alone. It 
is one of the most provoking things in the world that we cannot 
tickle the public a little, merely for our own private amusement, 



TO CORRESPONDENTS. J 67 

but we must be crossed and jostled by these meddling incendia- 
ries, and, in fact, have the whole town about our ears. We are 
much in the same situation with an unlucky blade of a cockney, 
who, having mounted his bit of blood to enjoy a little innocent 
recreation, and display his horsemanship along Broadway, is 
worried by all those little yelping curs that infest our city, and 
who never fail to sally out and growl, and bark, and snarl, to 
the great annoyance of the Birmingham equestrian. 

Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum Fidelius, " howbeit, 
moreover, nevertheless, this thrice-wicked towne is charged up 
to the muzzle with all manner of ill-natures and uncharitable- 
nesses, and is, moreover, exceedinglie naughte." This passage of 
the erudite Linkum was applied to the city of Gotham, of which 
he was once Lord Mayor, as appears by his picture hung up in 
the hall of that ancient city ; but his observation fits this best 
of all possible cities " to a hair." It is a melancholy truth that 
this same New York, though the most charming, pleasant, 
polished and praiseworthy city under the sun, and in a word the 
bonne bouche of the universe, is most shockingly ill-natured and 
sarcastic, and wickedly given to all manner of backslidings ; for 
which we are very sorry, indeed. In truth, for it must come out 
like murder, one time or other, the inhabitants are not only ill- 
natured, but manifestly unjust ; no sooner do they get one of our 
random sketches in their hands, but instantly they apply it most 
unjustifiably to some " dear friend," and then accuse us vocife- 
rously of the personality which originated in their own officious 
friendship ! Truly it is an ill-natured town, and most earnestly 
do we hope it may not meet with the fate of Sodom and Gomor- 
rah of old. 

As, however, it may be thought incumbent upon us to make 
some apology for these mistakes of the town ; and as our good- 



168 SALMAGUNDI. 

nature is truly exemplary, we would certainly answer this expec- 
tation, were it not that we have an invincible antipathy to mak- 
ing apologies. We have a most profound contempt for any man 
who cannot give three good reasons for an unreasonable thing ; 
and will therefore condescend, as usual, to give the public three 
special reasons for never apologizing : first, an apology implies 
that we are accountable to somebody or another for our conduct ; 
now, as we do not care a fiddle-stick, as authors, for either pub- 
lic opinion or private ill-will, it would be implying a falsehood to 
apologize ; second, an apology would indicate that we had been 
doing what we ought not to have done. Now, as we never did 
and never intend to do anything wrong, it would be ridiculous 
to make an apology ; third, we labor under the same incapacity 
in the art of apologizing that lost Langstaff his mistress ; we 
never yet undertook to make an apology without committing a 
new offence, and making matters ten times worse than they were 
before ; and we are, therefore, determined to avoid such predi- 
caments in future. 

But though we have resolved never to apologize, yet we have 
no particular objection to explain ; and if this is all that's 

wanted, we will go about it directly: allons, gentlemen ! 

before, however, we enter upon this serious affair, we take this 
opportunity to express our surprise and indignation at the incre- 
dulity of some people. Have we not, over and over, assured the 
town that we are three of the best natured fellows living ? And 
is it not astonishing, that having already given seven convincing 
proofs of the truth of this assurance, they should still have any 
doubts on the subject ? But as it is one of the impossible things 
to make a knave believe in honesty, so, perhaps, it may be an- 
other to make this most sarcastic, satirical, and tea-drinking city 
believe in the existence of good nature. But to our explana- 



GENTLE READER. 169 

tion. Gentle reader ! — for we are convinced that none but gen- 
tle or genteel readers can relish our excellent productions — if 
thou art in expectation of being perfectly satisfied with what we 
are about to say, thou may est as well " whistle lillebullero," 
and skip quite over what follows ; for never wight was more 
disappointed than thou wilt be, most assuredly. But to the ex- 
planation : We care just as much about the public and its wise 
conjectures, as we do about the man in the moon and his whim- 
whams ; or the criticisms of the lady who sits majestically in her 
elbow chair in the lobster ; and who, belying her sex, as we are 
credibly informed, never says anything worth listening to. We 
have launched our bark, and we will steer to our destined port 
with undeviating perseverance, fearless of being shipwrecked by 
the way. Good-nature is our steersman, reason our ballast, 
whim the breeze that wafts us along, and morality our leading 
star. 



170 



SALMAGUNDI. 



KO. IX.— SATUKDAY, APEIL 25, 1807. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

IT in some measure jumps with my humor to be "melancholy 
and gentleman-like " this stormy night, and I see no reason 
why I should not indulge myself for once. Away, then, with 
joke, with fun, and laughter, for a while ; let my soul look back 
in mournful retrospect, and sadden with the memory of my good 
aunt Charity — who died of a Frenchman ! 

Stare not, oh, most dubious reader, at the mention of a com- 
plaint so uncommon ; grievously hath it afflicted the ancient 
family of the Cocklofts, who carry their absurd antipathy to the 
French so far, that they will not suffer a clove of garlic in the 
house ; and my good old friend Christopher was once on the 
point of abandoning his paternal country mansion of Cockloft 
Hall, merely because a colony of frogs had settled in a neighbor- 
ing swamp. I verily believe he would have carried his whim- 
wham into effect, had not a fortunate drought obliged the enemy 
to strike their tents, and, like a troop of wandering Arabs, to 
march off toward a moister part of the country. 

My aunt Charity departed this life in the fifty-ninth year of 
her age, though she never grew older after twenty-five. In her 
teens she was, according to her own account, a celebrated 
beauty, though I never could meet with anybody that remem- 



MY AUNT CHARITY. 171 

bered when she was handsome ; on the contrary, Evergreen's 
father, who used to gallant her in his youth, says she was as 
knotty a little piece of humanity as he ever saw ; and that, if 
she had been possessed of the least sensibility, she would, like 
poor old Acco, have most certainly run mad at her own figure 
and face the first time she contemplated herself in a looking- 
glass. In the good old times that saw my aunt in the heydey 
of youth, a fine lady was a most formidable animal, and required 
to be approached with the same awe and devotion that a Tar- 
tar feels in the presence of his Grand Lama. If a gentleman 
offered to take her hand, except to help her into a carriage, or 
lead her into a drawing-room, such frowns ! such a rustling of 
brocade and taffeta ! her very paste shoe-buckles sparkled with 
indignation, and for a moment assumed the brilliancy of dia- 
monds : in those days the person of a belle was sacred ; it was 

unprofaned by the sacrilegious grasp of a stranger : simple 

souls ! — they had not the waltz among them yet ! 

My good aunt prided herself on keeping up this buckram 
delicacy ; and if she happened to be playing at the old-fashioned 
game of forfeits, and was fined a kiss, it was always more trou- 
ble to get it than it was worth ; for she made a most gallant 
defence, and never surrendered until she saw her adversary 
inclined to give over his attack. Evergreen's father says he 
remembers once to have been on a sleighing party with her, and 
when they came to Kissing-bridge, it fell to his lot to levy con- 
tributions on Miss Charity Cockloft, who after squalling at a 
hideous rate, at length jumped out of the sleigh plump into a 
snow-bank, where she stuck fast like an icicle, until he came to 
her rescue. This Latonian feat cost her a rheumatism, from 
which she never thoroughly recovered. 

It is rather singular that my aunt, though a great beauty, and 



172 SALMAGUNDI. 

an heiress withal, never got married. The reason she alleged 
was, that she never met with a lover who resembled Sir Charles 
Grandison, the hero of her nightly dreams and waking fancy ; 
but I am privately of opinion that it was owing to her never 
having had an offer. This much is certain, that for many years 
previous to her decease, she declined all attentions from the gen- 
tlemen, and contented herself with watching over the welfare of 
her fellow-creatures. She was, indeed, observed to take a con- 
siderable lean toward Methodism, was frequent in her atten- 
dance at love feasts, read Whitefield and Wesley, and even went 
so far as once to travel the distance of five-and-twenty miles to 
be present at a camp-meeting. This gave great offence to my 
cousin Christopher, and his good lady, who, as I have already 
mentioned, are rigidly orthodox ; and had not my aunt Charity 
been of a most pacific disposition, her religious whim-wham 
would have occasioned many a family altercation. She was, 
indeed, as good a soul as the Cockloft family ever boasted ; a 
lady of unbounded loving-kindness, which extended to man, 
woman, and child ; many of whom she almost killed with good 
nature . "Was any acquaintance sick ? In vain did the wind 
whistle and the storm beat ; my aunt would waddle through 
mud and mire, over the whole town, but what she would visit 
them. She would sit by them for hours together with the most 
persevering patience, and tell a thousand melancholy stories of 
human misery, to keep up their spirits. The whole catalogue of 
yerh teas was at her fingers' ends, from formidable wormwood 
down to gentle balm ; and she would descant by the hour on 
the healing qualities of hoarhound, catnip, and penny-royal. 
Woe be to the patient that came under the benevolent hand of 
•my aunt Charity ; he was sure, willy-nilly, to be drenched with 
a deluge of decoctions ; and full many a time has my cousin 



CCEIOSITT. 173 

Christopher borne a twinge of pain in silence, through fear of 
being condemned to suffer the martyrdom of her materia-medica. 
My good aunt had, moreover, considerable skill in astronomy, 
for she could tell when the sun rose and set every day in the 
year j and no woman in the whole world was able to pronounce 
with more certainty, at what precise minute the moon changed. 
She held the story of the moon's being made of green cheese, as 
an abominable slander on her favorite planet ; and she had made 
several valuable discoveries in solar eclipses, by means of a bit of 
burnt glass, which entitled her at least to an honorary admission 
in the American Philosophical Society. Hutching's Improved 
was her favorite book ; and I shrewdly suspect that it was from 
this valuable work she drew most of her sovereign remedies for 
colds, coughs, corns, and consumptions. 

But the truth must be told. With all her good qualities my 
aunt Charity was afflicted with one fault, extremely rare among 
her gentle sex — it was curiosity. How she came by it, I am at 
a loss to imagine, but it played the very vengeance with her and 
destroyed the comfort of her life. Having an invincible desire 
to know everybody's character, business, and mode of living, she 
was forever, prying into the affairs of her neighbors ; and got a 
great deal of ill-will from people toward whom she had the 
kindest disposition possible. If any family on the opposite side 
of the street gave a dinner, my aunt would mount her spec- 
tacles, and sit at the window until the company were all housed, 
merely that she might know who they were. If she heard a 
story about any of her acquaintance, she would, forthwith, set 
off, full sail, and never rest until, to use her usual expression, 
she had got " to the bottom of it ;" which meant nothing more 
than telling it to everybody she knew. 

I remember one night my aunt Charity happened to hear a 



174: SALMAGUNDI. 

most precious story about oue of her good friends, but unfortu- 
nately too late to give it immediate circulation. It made her 
absolutely miserable ; and she hardly slept a wink all night, for 
fear her bosom-friend, Mrs. Sipkins, should get the start of her 
in the morning and blow the whole affair. You must know 
there was always a contest between these two ladies, who 
should first give currency to the good-natured things said about 
everybody ; and this unfortunate rivalship at length proved fatal 
to their long and ardent friendship. My aunt got up full two 
hours that morning before her usual time ; put on her pompa- 
dour taffeta gown, and sallied forth to lament the misfortune of 
her dear friend. Would you believe it ! — wherever she went, 
Mrs. Sipkins had anticipated her ; and, instead of being listened 
to with uplifted hands and open-mouthed wonder, my unhappy 
aunt was obliged to sit down quietly and listen to the whole 
affair, with numerous additions, alterations and amendments ! 
Now, this was too bad; it would have almost provoked Patience 
Grizzle or a saint. It was too much for my aunt, who kept her 
bed for three days afterward, with a cold, as she pretended ; 
but I have no doubt it was owing to this affair of Mrs. Sipkins, 
to whom she never would be reconciled. 

But I pass over the rest of my aunt Charity's life, chequered 
with the various calamities, and misfortunes, and mortifications, 
incident to those worthy old gentlewomen who have the domes- 
tic cares of the whole community upon their minds ; and I 
hasten to relate the melancholy incident that hurried her out of 
existence in the full bloom of antiquated virginity. 

In their frolicsome malice, the fates had ordained that a French 
boarding-house, or Pension Franpaise, as it was called, should 
be established directly opposite my aunt's residence. Cruel 
event ! Unhappy Aunt Charity ! — it threw her into that alarm- 



DYING OF A FRENCHMAN. 175 

ing disorder denominated the fidgets ; she did nothing but watch 
at the window day after day, but without becoming one whit 
the wiser at the end of a fortnight than she was at the begin- 
ning ; she thought that neighbor Pension had a monstrous large 
family, and somehow or other they were all men ! she could not 
imagine what business neighbor Pension followed to support 
so numerous a household ; and wondered why there was always 
such a scraping of fiddles in the parlor, and such a smell of 
onions from neighbor Pension's kitchen ; in short, neighbor 
Pension was continually uppermost in her thoughts, and inces- 
santly on the outer edge of her tongue. This was, I believe, 
the very first time she had ever failed " to get at the bottom of 
a thing f and the disappointment cost her many a sleepless 
night, I warrant you. I have little doubt, however, that my 
aunt would have ferreted neighbor Pension out, could she have 
spoken or understood French ; but in those times people in 
general could make themselves understood in plain English ; and 
it was always a standing rule in the Cockloft family, which 
exists to this day, that not one of the females should learn 
French. 

My aunt Charity had lived, at her window, for some time in 
vain ; when one day as she was keeping her usual look-out, and 
suffering all the pangs of unsatisfied curiosity, she beheld a little 
meagre, weazel-faced Frenchman, of the most forlorn, diminutive 
and pitiful proportions, arrive at neighbor Pension's door. He 
was dressed in white, with a little pinched-up cocked hat ; he 
seemed to shake in the wind, and every blast that went over 
him whistled through his bones and threatened instant annihila- 
tion. This embodied spirit of famine was followed by three 
carts) lumbered with crazy trunks, chests, band-boxes, bidets, 
medicine-chests, parrots and monkeys ; and at his heels ran a 



176 SALMAGUNDI. 

yelping pack of little black-nosed pug-dogs. This was the one 
thing wanting to fill up the measure of my aunt Charity's afflic- 
tions ; she could not conceive, for the soul of her, who this 
mysterious little apparition could be that made so great a dis- 
play ; what he could possibly do with so much baggage, and 
particularly with his parrots and monkeys ; or how so small a 
carcass could hare occasion for so many trunks of clothes. 
Honest soul ! she had never had a peep into a Frenchman's 
wardrobe ; that depot of old coats, hats, and breeches, of the 
growth of every fashion he "has followed in his life. 

From the time of this fatal arrival, my poor aunt was in a 
quandary ; — all her inquiries were fruitless ; no one could 
expound the history of this mysterious stranger : she never held 
up her head afterward — drooped daily, took to her bed in a 
fortnight, and in " one little month" I saw her quietly deposited 
in the family vault : — being the seventh Cockloft that has died 
of a whim-wham ! 

Take warning, my fair countrywomen ! and you, oh, ye excel- 
lent ladies, whether married or single, who pry into other peo- 
ple's affairs and neglect those of your own household — who are 
so busily employed in observing the faults of others that you 
have no time to correct your own — remember the fate of my 
dear aunt Charity, and eschew the evil spirit of curiosity. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I FIND, by perusal of our last number, that Will Wizard 
and Evergreen, taking advantage of my confinement, have 
been playing some of their gambols. I suspected these rogues 



COUSIN PINDAR. 177 

of some mal-practices, in consequence of their queer looks and 
knowing winks whenever I came down to dinner ; and of their 
not showing their faces at old Cockloft's for several days, after 
the appearance of their precious effusions. Whenever these two 
waggish fellows lay their heads together, there is always sure to 
be hatched some notable piece of mischief ; which, if it tickles 
nobody else, is sure to make its authors merry. The public will 
take notice that, for the purpose of teaching these my associates 
better manners, and punishing them for their high misdemeanors, 
I have, by virtue of my authority, suspended them from all 
interference in Salmagundi, until they show a proper degree of 
repentance ; or I get tired of supporting the burden of the work 
myself. I am sorry for Will, who is already sufficiently mortified 
in not daring to come to the old house, and tell his long stories 
and smoke his cigar ; but Evergreen, being an old beau, may 
solace himself in his disgrace by trimming up all his old finery 
and making love to the little girls. 

At present, my right-hand man is Cousin Pindar, whom I have 
taken into high favor. He came home the other night all in a 
blaze like a sky-rocket — whisked up to his room in a paroxysm 
of poetic inspiration, nor did we see anything of him until late 
the next morning, when he bounced upon us at breakfast, 

" Fire in each eye — and paper in each hand." 

This is just the way with Pindar, he is like a volcano ; will 
remain for a long time silent without emitting a single spark, 
and then, all at once, burst out in a tremendous explosion of 
rhyme and rhapsody. 

As the letters of my friend, Mustapha, seem to excite consid- 
erable curiosity, I have subjoined another. I do not vouch for 
the justice of his remarks, or the correctness of his conclusions ; 

8* 



178 SALMAGUNDI. 

they are full of the blunders and errors in which strangers con- 
tinually indulge, who pretend to give an account of this country 
before they well know the geography of the street in which they 
live. The copies of my friend's papers being confused and with- 
out date, I cannot pretend to give them in systematic order ; in 
fact, they seem now and then to treat of matters which have 
occurred since his departure : whether these are sly interpola- 
tions of the meddlesome wight Will Wizard, or whether honest 
Mustapha was gifted with the spirit of prophecy or second sight, 
I neither know, nor in fact, do I care. The following seems to 
have been written when the Tripolitan prisoners were so much 
annoyed by the ragged state of their wardrobe. Mustapha feel- 
ingly depicts the embarrassments of his situation, traveller-like ; 
makes an easy transition from his breeches to the seat of gov- 
ernment, and incontinently abuses the whole administration ; 
like a sapient traveller I once knew, who damned the French 
nation in toto — because they eat sugar with green-peas. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHAM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRI- 
VER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TEIPOLI. 

SWEET, oh, Asem ! is the memory of distant friends ! like 
the mellow ray of a departing sun it falls tenderly yet sadly 
on the heart. Every hour of absence from my native land rolls 
heavily by, like the sandy wave of the desert ; and the fair 
shores of my country rise blooming to my imagination, clothed 
in the soft illusive charms of distance. I sigh, yet no one listens 



A PAIR OF BREECHES. 179 

to the sigh of the captive ; I shed the bitter tear of recollection, 
but no one sympathizes in the tear of the turbaned stranger ! 
Think not, however, thou brother of my sonl, that I complain of 
the horrors of my situation ; think not that my captivity is 
attended with the labors, the chains, the scourges, the insults, 
that render slavery, with us, more dreadful than the pangs of 
hesitating, lingering death. Light, indeed are the restraints on 
the personal freedom of thy kinsman ; but who can enter into 
the afflictions of the mind ? — who can describe the agonies of 
the heart ? They are mutable as the clouds of the air — they are 
countless as the waves that divide me from my native country. 

I have, of late, my dear Asem, labored under an inconve- 
nience singularly unfortunate, and am reduced to a dilemma 
most ridiculously embarrassing. Why should I hide it from the 
companion of my thoughts, the partner of my sorrows and my 
joys ? Alas, Asem ! thy friend Mustapha, the invincible cap- 
tain of a ketch, is sadly in want of a pair of breeches ! Thou 
wilt doubtless smile, oh, most grave Mussulman, to hear me 
indulge in ardent lamentations about a circumstance so trivial, 
and a want apparently so easy to be satisfied ; but little canst 
thou know of the mortifications attending my necessities, and 
the astonishing difficulty of supplying them. Honored by the 
smiles and attentions of the beautiful ladies of this city, who 
have fallen in love with my whiskers and my turban ; courted 
by the bashaws and the great men, who delight to have me at 
their feasts ; the honor of my company eagerly solicited by 
every fiddler who gives a concert ; think of my chagrin at 
being obliged to decline the host of invitations that daily over- 
whelm me, merely for want of a pair of breeches ! Oh, Allah ! 
Allah ! that thy disciples could come into the world all be- 
feathered like a bantam, or with a pair of leather breeches like 



180 SALMAGUNDI. 

the wild deer of the forest ! Surely, my friend, it is the destiny 
of man to be forever subjected to petty evils, which, however 
trifling in appearance, prey in silence on his little pittance of 
enjoyment, and poison those moments of sunshine, which might 
otherwise be consecrated to happiness. 

The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily supplied ; and 
thou mayest suppose need only be mentioned to be remedied at 
once by any tailor of the land ; little canst thou conceive the 
impediments which stand in the way of my comfort; and still less 
art thou acquainted with the prodigious great scale on which 
everything is transacted in this country. The nation moves most 
majestically slow and clumsy in the most trivial affairs, like the 
unwieldy elephant which makes a formidable difficulty of pick- 
ing up a straw ! When I hinted my necessities to the officer 
who has charge of myself and my companions, I expected to 
have them forthwith relieved ; but he made an amazing long 
face, told me that we were prisoners of state, that we must 
therefore be clothed at the expense of government ; that as no 
provision had been made by Congress for any emergency of the 
kind, it was impossible to furnish me with a pair of breeches, un- 
til all the sages of the nation had been convened to talk over the 
matter, and debate upon the expediency of granting my request. 
Sword of the immortal Khalid, thought I ? but this is great ! 
this is truly sublime ! All the sages of an immense logocracy 
assembled together to talk about my breeches ! Yain mortal 
that I am ! I cannot but own that I was somewhat reconciled 
to the delay, which must necessarily attend this method of cloth- 
ing me, by the consideration that if they made the affair a na- 
tional act, my " name must of course be embodied in history," 
and myself and my breeches flourish to immortality in the annals 
of this mighty empire ! 



ECONOMY. 181 

" But pray," said I, " how does it happen that a matter so 
insignificant should be erected into an object of such importance, 
as to employ the representative wisdom of the nation ; and 
what is the cause of their talking so much about a trifle ?" 
" Oh," replied the officer, who acts as our slave-driver, " it all 
proceeds from economy. If the government did not spend ten 
times as much money in debating whether it was proper to sup- 
ply you with breeches, as the breeches themselves would cost, 
the people who govern the bashaw and his divan would straight- 
way begin to complain of their liberties being infringed ; the 
national finances squandered ! Not a hostile slang-whanger 
throughout the logocracy, but would burst forth like a barrel of 
combustion ; and ten chances to one but the bashaw and the 
sages of his divan would all be turned out of office together. My 
good Mussulman," continued he, " the administration have the 
good of the people too much at heart to trifle with their pockets; 
and they would sooner assemble and talk away ten thousand 
dollars, than expend fifty silently out of the treasury ; such is 
the wonderful spirit of economy that pervades every branch of 
this government." " But," said I, " how is it possible they can 
spend money in talking ? surely words cannot be the current coin 
of this country ?" " Truly," cried he, smiling, " your question is 
pertinent enough, for words indeed often supply the place of cash 
among us, and many an honest debt is paid in promises ; but the 
fact is, the grand bashaw and the members of Congress, or grand 
talkers of the nation, either receive a yearly salary, or are paid 
by the day." " By the nine hundred tongues of the great beast 
of Mahomet's vision, but the murder is out — it is no wonder 
these honest men talk so much about nothing, when they are 
paid for talking, like day-laborers." " You are mistaken," said 
my driver ; " it is nothing but economy !" 



182 SALMAGUNDI. 

I remained silent for some minutes, for this inexplicable word, 
economy, always discomfits me ; and when I flatter myself I 
grasped it, it slips through my fingers like a jack-o'-lantern. I 
have not, nor perhaps ever shall acquire, sufficient of the philo- 
sophic policy of this government to draw a proper distinction 
between an individual and a nation. If a man was to throw 
away a pound in order to save a beggarly penny, and boast at 
the same time of his economy, I should think him on a par with 
the fool in the fable of Alfangi, who, in skinning a flint worth a 
farthing, spoiled a knife worth fifty times the sum, and thought 
he had acted wisely. The shrewd fellow would doubtless have 
valued himself much more highly on his economy, could he have 
known that his example would one day be followed by the ba- 
shaw of America and the sages of his divan. 

This economic disposition, my friend, occasions much fighting 
of the spirit, and innumerable contests of the tongue in this talk- 
ing assembly. Wouldst thou believe it ? they were actually 
employed for a whole week in a most strenuous and eloquent 
debate about patching up a hole in the wall of the room appro- 
priated to their meetings ! A vast profusion of nervous argu- 
ment and pompous declamation was expended on the occasion. 
Some of the orators, I am told, being rather waggishly inclined, 
were most stupidly jocular on the occasion ; but their waggery 
gave great offence, and was highly reprobated by the more 
weighty part of the assembly, who held all wit and humor in abo- 
mination, and thought the business in hand much too solemn 
and serious to be treated lightly. It is supposed by some that 
affair would have occupied a whole winter, as it was a subject 
upon which several gentlemen spoke who had never been known 
to open their lips in that place, except to say yes and no. 
These silent members are, by way of distinction, denominated 



MUCH ABO ABOUT NOTHING. 183 

orator mums, and are highly valued in this country on account 
of their great talent for silence — a qualification extremely rare 
in a logocracy. 

Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the hottest part of 
the debate, when two rampant Yirginians, brimful of logic and 
philosophy, were measuring tongues, and syllogistically cudgel- 
ling each other out of their unreasonable notions, the president 
of the divan, a knowing old gentleman, one night slily sent a 
mason, with a hod of mortar, who, in the course of a few minutes, 
closed up the hole, and put a final end to the argument. Thus 
did this wise old gentleman, by hitting on a most simple expedi- 
ent, in all probability, save his country as much money as would 
build a gunboat, or pay a hireling slang-whanger for a whole 
volume of words. As it happened, only a few thousand dollars 
were expended in paying these men, who are denominated, I sup- 
pose in derision, legislators. 

Another instance of their economy, I relate with pleasure, for 
I really begin to feel a regard for these poor barbarians. They 
talked away the best part of a whole winter before they could 
determine not to expend a few dollars in purchasing a sword to 
bestow on an illustrious warrior ; yes, Asem, on that very hero 
who frightened all our poor old women and young children at 
Derne,* and fully proved himself a greater man than the mother 
that bore him. Thus, my friend, is the whole collective wisdom 
of this mighty logocracy employed in somniferous debates about 
the most trivial affairs ; like I have sometimes seen a herculean 
mountebank exerting all his energies in balancing a straw upon 
his nose. Their sages behold the minutest object with the micro- 

* General Eaton's famous adventure on the land expedition from 
Egypt to rescue Bainbridge and the prisoners at Tripoli. 



184: SALMAGUNDI. 

scopic eyes of a pismire ; mole-hills swell into mountains, and a 
grain of mustard seed will set the whole ant-hill in a hubbub. 
Whether this indicates a capacious vision or a diminutive mind, I 
leave thee to decide ; for my part, I consider it as another proof of 
the great scale on which everything is transacted in this country, 
I have before told thee that nothing can be done without con- 
sulting the sages of the nation, who compose the assembly called 
the Congress. This prolific body may not improperly be termed 
the " mother of inventions f and a most fruitful mother it is, let 
me tell thee, though its children are generally abortions. It has 
lately labored with what was deemed the conception of a mighty 
navy. All the old women and the good wives that assist the 
bashaw in his emergencies, hurried to headquarters to be busy, 
like midwives, at the delivery. All was anxiety, fidgeting, and 
consultation ; when, after a deal of groaning and struggling, 
instead or formidable first-rates and gallant frigates, out crept a 
litter of sorry little gunboats 1 These are most pitiful little ves- 
sels, partaking vastly of the character of the grand bashaw, who 
has the credit of begetting them — being flat shallow vessels that 
can only sail before the wind — must always keep in with the 
land — are continually foundering or running ashore — and, in 
short, are only fit for smooth water. Though intended for the 
defence of the maritime cities, yet the cities are obliged to defend 
them ; and they require as much nursing as so many rickety lit- 
tle bantlings. They are, however, the darling pets of the grand 
bashaw, being the children of his dotage, and, perhaps, from 
their diminutive size and palpable weakness, are called the 
" infant navy of America." The act that brought them into 
existence was almost deified by the majority of the people as a 
grand stroke of economy. By the beard of Mahomet, but this 
word is truly inexplicable. 



MUSTAPHA IN EXTREMITY. 185 

To this economic body, therefore, was I advised to address 
my petition, and humbly to pray that the august assembly of 
sages would, in the plenitude of their wisdom and the magnitude 
of their powers, munificently bestow on an unfortunate captive, 
a pair of cotton breeches ! " Head of the immortal Amrou," 
cried I, " but this would be presumptuous to a degree ; what ! 
after these worthies have thought proper to leave their country 
naked and defenceless, and exposed to all the political storms 
that rattle without, can I expect that they will lend a helping 
hand to comfort the extremities of a solitary captive V 1 My 
exclamation was only answered by a smile, and I was consoled 
by the assurance that, so far from being neglected, it was every 
way probable my breeches might occupy a whole session of the 
divan, and set several of the longest heads together by the ears 
Flattering as was the idea of a whole nation being agitated 
about my breeches, yet I own I was somewhat dismayed at the idea 
of remaining in querpo, until all the national grey-beards should 
have made a speech on the occasion, and given their consent to 
the measure. The embarrassment and distress of mind which I 
experienced was visible in my countenance, and my guard, who 
is a man of infinite good-nature, immediately suggested, as a 
more expeditious plan of supplying my wants, a benefit at the 
theatre. Though profoundly ignorant of his meaning, I agreed 
to his proposition, the result of which I shall disclose to thee in 
another letter. 

Fare thee well, dear Asem ; in thy pious prayers to our great 
prophet, never forget to solicit thy friend's return ; and when 
thou numberest up the many blessings bestowed on thee by all- 
bountiful Allah, pour forth thy gratitude that he has cast thy 
nativity in a land where there is no assembly of legislative chat- 
terers ; no great bashaw, who bestrides a gunboat for a hobby- 



186 SALMAGUNDI. 

horse ; where the word economy is unknown, and where an un- 
fortunate captive is not obliged to call upon the whole nation to 
cut him out a pair of breeches. 

Ever thine, 

Mustapha. 



FEOM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

THOUGH entered on that sober age, 
When men withdraw from fashion's stage, 
And leave the follies of the day, 
To shape their course a graver way ; 
Still those gay scenes I loiter round, 
In which my youth sweet transport found ; 
And though I feel their joys decay, 
And languish every hour away — 
Yet like an exile doom'd to part 
From the dear country of his heart, 
From the fair spot in which he sprung, 
Where his first notes of love were sung, 
Will often turn to wave the hand, 
And sigh his blessings on the land ; 
Just so my lingering watch I keep — 
Thus oft I take my farewell peep. 

And, like that pilgrim, who retreats, 
Thus lagging from his parent seats, 
When the sad thought pervades his mind, 
That the fair land he leaves behind 
Is ravaged by a foreign foe, 
Its cities waste, its temples low, 



LAUDATOR TEMPOBIS ACTI. 1ST 

And ruined all those haunts of joy 
That gave him rapture when a boy ; 
Turns from it with averted eye, 
And while he heaves the anguish'd sigh, 
Scarce feels regret that the loved shore 
Shall beam upon his sight no more ; 
Just so it grieves my soul to view, 
While breathing forth a fond adieu, 
The innovations pride has made, 
The fustian, frippery, and parade, 
That now usurp with mawkish grace 
Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place ! 

'Twas joy we looked for in my prime, 
That idol of the olden time ; 
When all our pastimes had the art 
To please and not mislead the heart. 
Style curs'd us not — that modern flash, 
That love of racket and of trash, 
Which scares at once all feeling joys, 
And drowns delight in empty noise ; 
Which barters friendship, mirth and truth, 
The artless air, the bloom of youth, 
And all those gentle sweets that swarm 
Round nature in her simplest form, 
Tor cold display, for hollow state, 
The trappings of the would-be great. 

Oh ! once again those days recall, 
When heart met heart in fashion's hall, 
When every honest guest would flock 
To add his pleasure to the stock, 
More fond his transports to express, 



18S SALMAGUNDI. 

Than show the tinsel of his dress ! — 
These were the times that clasp'd the soul 
In gentle friendship's soft control ; 
Our fair ones, unprofan'd by art, 
Content to gain one honest heart, 
No train of sighing swains desired, 
Sought to be loved and not admired. 
But now 'tis form, not love unites ; 
'Tis show, not pleasure that invites. 
Each seeks the ball to play the queen, 
To flirt, to conquer, to be seen : 
Each grasps at universal sway, 
And reigns the idol of the day ; 
Exults amid a thousand sighs, 
And triumphs when a lover dies. 
Each belle a rival belle surveys, 
Like deadly foe, with hostile gaze ; 
Nor can her " dearest friend" caress, 
Till she has slily scann'd her dress ; 
Ten conquests in one year will make, 
And six eternal friendships break ! 

How oft I breathe the inward sigh, 
And feel the dew-drop in my eye, 
When I behold some beauteous frame, 
Divine in everything but name, 
Just venturing, in the tender age, 
On fashion's late new fangled stage ! 
Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease 
To beat in artlessness and peace ; 
Where all the flowers of gay delight 
With which youth decks its prospects bright, 



TWO SISTER NYMPHS. 189 

Shall wither 'mid the cares, the strife, 
The cold realities of life ! 

Thus lately, in my careless mood, 
As I the world of fashion view'd, 
While celebrating, great and small, 
That great solemnity — a ball, 
My roving vision chanced to light 
On two sweet forms divinely bright ; 
Two sister nymphs, alike in face, 
In mien, in loveliness, and grace ; 
Twin rosebuds, bursting into bloom, 
In all their brilliance and perfume : 
Like those fair forms that often beam 
Upon the eastern poet's dream ! 
For Eden had each lovely maid 
In native innocence arrayed — 
And heaven itself had almost shed 
Its sacred halo round each head ! 

They seem'd, just entering hand-in-hand, 
To cautious tread this fairy land : 
To take a timid, hasty view, 
Enchanted with a scene so new. 
The modest blush, untaught by art, 
Bespoke their purity of heart ; 
And every timorous act unfurl'd 
Two souls unspotted by the world. 

Oh, how these strangers joy'd my sight 
And thrilled my bosom with delight ! 
They brought the visions of my youth 
Back to my soul in all their truth ; 
Recall'd fail* spirits into day, 



190 SALMAGUNDI. 

That time's rough hand had swept away ! 
Thus the bright natives from above, 
Who come on messages of love, 
Will bless, at rare and distant whiles, 
Our sinful dwelling by their smiles ! 

Oh ! my romance of youth is past, 
Dear airy dreams too bright to last ! 
Yet when such forms as these appear, 
I feel your soft remembrance here ; 
For, ah ! the simple poet's heart, 
On which fond love once play'd its part, 
Still feels the soft pulsations beat, 
As loath to quit their former seat. 
Just like the harp's melodious wire, 
Swept by a bard with heavenly fire, 
Though ceased the loudly-swelling strain, 
Yet sweet vibrations long remain. 

Full soon I found the lovely pair 
Had sprung beneath a mother's care, 
Hard by a neighboring streamlet's side, 
At once its ornament and pride, 
The beauteous parent's tender heart 
Had well fulfilled its pious part ; 
And, like the holy man of old, 
As we're by sacred writings told, 
Who, when he from his pupil sped, 
Pour'd two-fold blessings on his head — 
So this fond mother had imprest 
Her early virtues in each breast, 
And as she found her stock enlarge, 
Had stampt new graces on her charge. 



GUARDIAN ANGELS. 191 

The fair resign'd the calm retreat, 
Where first their souls in concert beat, 
And flew on expectation's wing, 
To sip the joys of life's gay spring ; 
To sport in fashion's splendid maze, 
Where friendship fades, and love decays. 
So two sweet wild flowers, near the side 
Of some fair river's silver tide, 
Pure as the gentle stream that laves 
The green banks with its lucid waves, 
Bloom beauteous in their native ground, 
Diffusing heavenly fragrance round, 
But should a venturous hand transfer 
These blossoms to the gay parterre, 
Where, spite of artificial aid, 
The fairest plants of nature fade, 
Though they may shine supreme awhile 
'Mid pale ones of the stranger soil, 
The tender beauties soon decay, 
And their sweet fragrance dies away. 

Blest spirits ! who enthroned in air, 
Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, 
And with angelic ken survey, 
Their windings through life's chequer'd way ; 
Who hover round them as they glide 
Down fashion's smooth deceitful tide, 
And guard them o'er that stormy deep 
Where dissipation's tempests sweep : 
Oh, make this inexperienced pair 
The objects of your tenderest care. 
Preserve them from the languid eye, 



192 SALMAGUNDI. 

The faded cheek, the long-drawn sigh ; 

And let it be your constant aim 

To keep the fair ones still the same : 

Two sister hearts, unsullied, bright 

As the first beam of lucid light, 

That sparkles from the youthful sun, 

When first his jocund race begun. 

So when these hearts shall burst their shrine, 

To wing their flight to realms divine, 

They may to radiant mansions rise 

Pure as when first they left the skies. 



A NINE DAYS WONDER. 193 



NO. X.— SATUKDAY, MAY 16, 1807. 
FKOM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE long interval which has elapsed since the publication 
of our last nnmber, like many other remarkable events, 
has given rise to much conjecture and excited considerable 
solicitude. It is but a day or two since I heard a knowing 
young gentleman observe, that he suspected Salmagundi would 
be a nine days wonder, and had even prophesied that the ninth 
would be our last effort. But the age of prophecy, as well as 
that of chivalry, is past ; and no reasonable man should now 
venture to foretell aught but what he is determined to bring 
about himself. He may then, if he please, monopolize predic- 
tion, and be honored as a prophet even in his own country. 

Though I hold whether we write, or not write, to be none of 
the public's business, yet as I have just heard of the loss of 
three thousand votes at least to the Clintonians, I feel in a 
remarkably dulcet humor thereupon, and will give some account 
of the reasons which induced us to resume our useful labors, 
or rather our amusement ; for if writing cost either of us a 
moment's labor, there is- not a man but what would hang up his 
pen, to the great detriment of the world at large, and of our 
publisher in particular; who has actually bought himself a pair 
of trunk breeches, with the profits of our writings ! ! 



194: SALMAGUNDI. 

He informs me that several persons having called last Satur- 
day for No. X. took the disappointment so much to heart that 
he really apprehended some terrible catastrophe ; and one good- 
looking man, in particular, declared his intention of quitting the 
country if the work was not continued. Add to this, the town 
has grown quite melancholy in the last fortnight ; and several 
young ladies have declared, in my hearing, that if another num- 
ber did not make its appearance soon, they would be obliged to 
amuse themselves with teasing their beaux and making them 
miserable. Now I assure my readers there was no flattery in 
this, for they no more suspected me of being Launcelot Lang- 
staff, than they suspected me of being the emperor of China, or 
the man in the moon. 

I have also received several letters complaining of our indolent 
procrastination ; and one of my correspondents assures me, that 
a number of young gentlemen, who had not read a book 
through since they left school, but who have taken a wonderful 
liking to our paper, will certainly relapse into their old habits 
unless we go on. 

For the sake therefore, of all these good people, and most 
especially for the satisfaction of the ladies, every one of whom 
we would love, if we possibly could, I have again wielded my 
pen with a most hearty determination to set the whole world to 
rights ; to make cherubims and seraphs of all the fair ones of 
this enchanting town, and raise the spirits of the poor federal- 
ists, who, in truth, seem to be in a sad taking, ever since the 
American-Ticket met with the accident of being so unhappily 
thrown out. 



A NEW BOB-MAJOE. 195 

TO LANCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 
QTIR: 

k_7 I felt myself hurt and offended by Mr. Evergreen's ter- 
rible philippic against modern music, in No. II. of your work, and 
was under serious apprehension that his strictures might bring 
the art, which I have the honor to profess, into contempt. The 
opinion of yourself and fraternity appears indeed to have a won- 
derful effect upon the town. I am told the ladies are all 
employed in reading Bunyan and Pamela, and the waltz has 
been entirely forsaken ever since the winter balls have closed. 
Under these apprehensions I should have addressed you before, 
had I not been sedulously employed, while the theatre continued 
open, in supporting the astonishing variety of the orchestra, and 
in composing a new chime or Bob-Major for Trinity Church, to 
be rung during the summer, beginning with ding-dong di-do, 
instead of di-do ding-dong. The citizens, especially those who 
live in the neighborhood of that harmonious quarter, will, no 
doubt, be infinitely delighted with this novelty. 

But to the object of this communication. So far, sir, from 
agreeing with Mr. Evergreen in thinking that all modern music 
is but the mere dregs and drainings of the ancient, I trust, 
before this letter is concluded, I shall convince you and him that 
some of the late professors of this enchanting art have com- 
pletely distanced the paltry efforts of the ancients ; and that I, 
in particular, have at length brought it almost to absolute per- 
fection. 

The Greeks, simple souls ! were astonished at the powers of 
Orpheus, who made the woods and rocks dance to his lyre ; — of 
Amphion, who converted crotchets into bricks, and quavers into 
mortar ; and of Arion, who won upon the compassion of the 
fishes. In the fervency of admiration, their poets fabled that 



196 SALMAGUNDI. 

Apollo had lent them his lyre, and inspired them with his own 
spirit of harmony. What then would they have said had they 
witnessed the wonderful effects of my skill ? had they heard me 
in the compass of a single piece, describe in glowing notes one 
of the most sublime operations of nature ; and not only make 
inanimate objects dance, but even speak ; and not only speak, 
but speak in strains of exquisite harmony ? 

Let me not, however, be understood to say that I am the sole 
author of this extraordinary improvement in the art, for I con- 
fess I took the hint of many of my discoveries from some of 
those meritorious productions that have lately come abroad and 
made so much noise under the title of overtures, From some 
of these, as, for instance, Lodoiska, and the battle of Marengo, 
a gentleman, or a captain in the city militia, or an amazonian 
young lady may indeed acquire a tolerable idea of military tac- 
tics, and become very well experienced in the firing of mus- 
ketry, the roaring of cannon, the rattling of drums, the whist- 
ling of fifes, braying of trumpets, groans of the dying, the 
trampling of cavalry, without ever going to the wars ; but it is 
more especially in the art of imitating inimitable things, and 
giving the language of every passion and sentiment of the 
human mind, so as entirely to do away the necessity of speech, 
that I particularly excel the most celebrated musicians of ancient 
and modern times. 

I think, sir, I may venture to say there is not a sound in the 
whole compass of nature which I cannot imitate, and even 
improve upon — nay, what I consider the perfection of my art, 
I have discovered a method of expressing, in the most striking 
manner, that undefinable, indescribable silence which accom- 
panies the falling of snow. 

In order to prove to you that I do not arrogate to myself 



OPERATIC. 197 

what I am unable to perform,. I will detail to you the different 
movements of a grand piece, which I pride myself upon exceed- 
ingly, called the " Breaking up of the Ice in the North River." 

The piece opens with a gentle andante, affetuoso, which ushers 
you into the Assembly-room in the State House at Albany, 
where the speaker addresses the farewell speech, informing the 
members that the ice is about breaking up, and thanking them 
for their great services and good behavior in a manner so pathe- 
tic as to bring tears into their eyes. — Flourish of Jack-a-don- 
kies. — Ice cracks ; Albany in a hubbub : — air, " Three children 
sliding on the ice, all on a summer's day." — Citizens quarrelling 
in Dutch ; — chorus of a tin trumpet, a cracked fiddle, and a 
hand-saw ! — allegro moderato. — Hard frost : — this, if given with 
proper spirit, has a charming effect, and sets everybody's teeth 
chattering. — Symptoms of snow — consultation of old women 
who complain of pains in the bones and rheumatics; — air, 
" There was an old woman tossed up in a blanket," etc., — alle- 
gro staccato ; wagon breaks into the ice ; — people all run to see 
what is the matter ; — air, siciliano ; — " Can you row the boat 
ashore, Billy boy, Billy boy :" — andante ; — frost fish froze up in 
the ice \ — air — " Ho, why dost thou shiver and shake, Gaffer 
Gray, and why does thy nose look so blue ?" — Flourish of two- 
penny trumpets and rattles ; — consultation of the North River 
Society ; — determine to set the North River on fire, as soon as 
it will burn ; — air — " 0, what a fine kettle of fish." 

Part II. — Great Thaw. — This consists of the most melting 
strains, flowing so smoothly as to occasion a great overflowing of 
scientific rapture ; air — " One misty moisty morning." The House 
of Assembly breaks up — air — " The owls came out and flew 
about. — Assembly-men embark on their way to New York — air 
— " The ducks and geese they all swim over, fal, de ral," etc. — 



198 SALMAGUNDI. 

Yessel sets sail — chorus of mariners — " Steer her up, and let her 
gang." After this a rapid movement conducts you to New York 
— the North River Society hold a meeting at the corner of 
Wall street, and determine to delay burning till all the Assem- 
bly-men are safe at home, for fear of consuming some of their 
own members, who belong to that respectable body. Return 
again to the capital. — Ice floats down the river ;— lamentation 
of skaters ; air, affetuoso — " I sigh and lament me in vain," etc. 
— Albanians cutting up sturgeon : — air — ■ f O the roast beef of 
Albany." — Ice runs against Polopoy's island with a terrible 
crash. — This is represented by a fierce fellow travelling with 
his fiddlestick over a huge bass viol, at the rate of one hundred 
and fifty bars a minute, and tearing the music to rags ; this 
being what is called execution. The great body of ice passes 
West Point, and is saluted by three or four dismounted cannon 
from Fort Putnam — " Jefferson's March," by a full band ; — air, 
"Yankee Doodle," with seventy-six variations, never before 
attempted, except by the celebrated eagle which flutters his 
wings over the copper-bottomed angel at Messrs. Paff's in 
Broadway. Ice passes New York ; conch-shell sounds at a dis- 
tance — ferrymen call o-v-e-r ; — people run down Courtlandt 
street — ferry-boat sets sail — air, accompanied by the conch- 
shell — " We'll all go over the ferry," — Rondeau — giving a 
particular account of Brom, the Powles Hook admiral, who is 
supposed to be closely connected with the North River Society. 
— The Society make a grand attempt to fire the stream, but are 
utterly defeated by a remarkable high tide, which brings the 
plot to light ; drowns upward of a thousand rats, and occasions 
twenty robins to break their necks.* — Society not being discou- 

* Vide — Solomon Lang. 



FLUTE AND FIDDLE. 199 

raged, apply to u Common Sense " for his lantern ; — air — " Nose, 
nose, jolly red nose." Flock of wild geese fly over the city ; — • 
old wives chatter in the fog ; — cocks crow at Communipaw — 
drums beat on Governor's Island — The whole to conclude with 
the blowing up of Sand's powder-house. 

Thus, sir, you perceive what wonderful powers of expression 
have been hitherto locked up in this enchanting art : a whole 
history is here told without the aid of speech, or writing ; and 
provided the hearer is in the least acquainted with music, he 
cannot mistake a single note. As to the blowing up of the 
powder-house, I look upon it as a chef cPauvre, which I am confi- 
dent will delight all modern amateurs, who very properly esti- 
mate music in proportion to the noise it makes, and delight in 
thundering canon and earthquakes. 

I must confess, however, it is a very difficult part to manage, 
and I have already broken six pianos in giving it the proper 
force and effect. But I do not despair, and am quite certain 
that by the time I have broken eight or ten more, I shall have 
brought it to such perfection, as to be able to teach any young 
lady of tolerable ear, to thunder it away to the infinite delight 
of papa and mamma, and the great annoyance of those Vandals 
who are so barbarous as to prefer the simple melody of a Scots 
air, to the sublime effusions of modern musical doctors. 

In my warm anticipations of future improvement I have some- 
times almost convinced myself that music will, in time, be 
brought to such a climax of perfection as to supersede the 
necessity of speech and writing ; and every kind of social inter- 
course be conducted by the flute and fiddle. The immense ben- 
efits that will result from this improvement must be plain to 
e^ery man of the least consideration. In the present unhappy 
situation of mortals, a man has but one way of making himself 



200 SALMAGUNDI. 

perfectly understood ; if lie loses his speech, he must inevitably 
be dumb all the rest of his life ; but having once learned this 
new musical language, the loss of speech will be a mere trifle 
not worth a moment's uneasiness. Not only this, Mr. L., but it 
will add much to the harmony of domestic intercourse ; for it is 
certainly much more agreeable to hear a lady give lectures on 
the piano than, vivd voce, in the usual discordant measure. This 
manner of discoursing may also, I think, be introduced with 
great effect into our national assemblies, where every man, 
instead of wagging his tongue, should be obliged to flourish a 
fiddle-stick, by which means, if he said nothing to the purpose, 
he would at all events " discourse most eloquent music," which 
is more than can be said of most of them present. They might 
also sound their own trumpets without being obliged to a hire- 
ling scribbler, for an immortality of nine days, or subjected to 
the censure of egotism. 

But the most important result of this discovery is that it may 
be applied to the establishment of that great desideratum, in the 
learned world, a universal language. Wherever this science of 
music is cultivated, nothing more will be more necessary than a 
knowledge of its alphabet ; which, being almost the same every- 
where, will amount to a universal medium of communication. 
A man may thus, with his violin under his arm, a piece of rosin, 
and a few bundles of catcut, fiddle his way through the world, 
and never be at a loss to make himself understood. 
I am etc., 

Demy Semiquaver. 



COCKLOFT ON HIS TRAVELS. 201 

THE STRANGER IN PENNSYLVANIA. 

BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 
CHAPTER I. 

Cross the Delaware — knew I was in Pennsylvania, because 
all the people were fat and looked like the statue of William 
Penn — Bristol — very remarkable for having nothing in it worth 
the attention of the traveller — saw Burlington on the opposite 
side of the river — fine place for pigeon-houses — and why? — 
Pennsylvania famous for barns — cattle in general better lodged 
than the farmers — barns appear to be built, as the old Roman 
peasant planted his trees, "for posterity and the immortal 
gods." Saw several fine bridges of two or three arches, built 
over dry places — wondered what could be the use of them — 
reminded me of the famous bridge at Madrid, built over no 
water — Chamouny — floating bridge made of pine logs fastened 
together by ropes of walnut bark — strange that the people who 
have such a taste for bridges should not have taken advantage 
of this river to indulge in their favorite kind of architecture ! — 
expressed my surprise to a fellow passenger, who observed to 
me with great gravity, " that nothing was more natural than 
that people who build bridges over dry places should neglect 
them where they are really necessary " — could not, for the head 
of me, see to the bottom of the man's reasoning — about half an 
hour after it struck me that he had been quizzing me a little — 
didn't care much about that — revenge myself by mentioning him 
in my book. Tillage of Washington — very pleasant, and 
remarkable for being built on each side of the road — houses all 
cast in the same mould — have a very Quakerish appearance, 

9* 



202 SALMAGUNDI. 

being built of stone, plastered and white-washed, and green 
doors, ornamented with brass knockers, kept very bright — saw 
several genteel young ladies scouring them — which was no doubt 
the reason of their brightness. Breakfasted at the Fox Chase 
— recommend this house to all gentlemen travelling for informa- 
tion, as the landlady makes the best buckwheat cakes in the whole 
world ; and because it bears the same name with a play, writ- 
ten by a young gentleman of Philadelphia, which, notwithstand- 
ing its very considerable merit, was received at that city with 
indifference and neglect, because it had no puns in it. Frank- 
fort in the mud — very picturesque town, situated on the edge of 
a pleasant swamp — or meadow, as they call it — houses all built 
of turf, cut in imitation of stone — poor substitute — took in a 
couple of Princeton students, who were going on to the south- 
ward, to tell their papas (or rather their mammas), what fine 
manly little boys they were, and how nobly they resisted the 
authority of the trustees- — both pupils of Godwin and Tom 
Paine — talked about the rights of man, the social compact, and 
the perfectibility of boys — hope their parents will whip them 
when they get home, and send them back to college without 
any spending money. Turnpike gates — direction to keep to 
the right, as the law directs — very good advice, in my opinion ; 
but one of the students swore he had no idea of submitting to 
this kind of oppression, and insisted on the driver's taking the 
left passage, in order to show the world we were not to be 
imposed upon by such arbitrary rules — driver, who, I believe, 
had been a student at Princeton himself, shook his head like a 
professor, and said it would not do. Entered Philadelphia 
through the suburbs — four little markets in a herd — one turned 
into a school for young ladies — mem. young ladies early in the 
market here — pun — good. 



PUNNING. 203 



CHAPTER II. 



Yery ill — confined to my bed with a violent fit of the pun 
mania — strangers always experience an attack of the kind on 
their first arrival, and undergo a seasoning as Europeans do in 
the West Indies. In my way from the stage-office to Renshaw's 
I was accosted by a good-looking young gentleman from Kew 
Jersey, who had caught the infection — he took me by the but- 
ton and informed me of a contest that had lately taken place 
between a tailor and shoemaker about I forget what ; — Snip 
was pronounced a fellow of great capability, a man of gentle- 
manly habits, who would doubtless suit everybody The shoe- 
maker bristled up at this, and waxed exceeding wroth — swore the 
tailor was but a half-souled fellow, and that it was to shew he 
was never cut-out for a gentleman. The choler of the tailor was 
up in an instant, he swore by his thimble that he would never 
pocket such an insult, but would baste any man who dared to 
repeat it. — Honest Crispin was now worked up to his proper 
pitch, and was determined to yield the tailor no quarters ; — he 
vowed he would lose his all but what he would gain his ends. 
He resolutely held on to the last, and on his threatening to back- 
strap his adversary, the tailor was obliged to sheer off, declaring, 
at the same time, that he would have him bound over. The 
young gentleman, having finished his detail, gave a most obstre- 
perous laugh, and hurried off to tell his story to somebody else 
— Licentia punica, as Horace observes — it did my business — I 
went home, took to my bed, and was two days confined with 
this singular complaint. 

Having, however, looked about me with the Argus eyes of a 
traveller, I have picked up enough in the course of my walk 
from the stage-office to the hotel, to give a full and impartial 



20± SALMAGUNDI. 

account of this remarkable city. According to the good old 
rule, I shall begin with the etymology of its name, which accord- 
ing to Linkum Fidelius, Tom. LY. is clearly derived, either 
from the name of its first founder, viz. Philo Dripping-pan, or 
the singular taste of the aborigines, who flourished there on his 
arrival. Linkum, who is as shrewd a fellow as any theorist or 
F. S. A. for peeping with a dark lantern into the lumber garret 
of antiquity, and lugging out all the trash which was left there 
for oblivion by our wiser ancestors, supports his opinion by a 
prodigious number of ingenious and inapplicable arguments ; 
but particularly rests his position on the known fact, that Philo 
Dripping-pan was remarkable for his predilection to eating, and 
his love of what the learned Dutch call dou'p. Our erudite 
author likewise observes that the citizens are to this day noted 
for their love of " a sop in the pan," and their portly appear- 
ance, " except, indeed," continues he, "the young ladies, who 
are perfectly genteel in their dimensions — this, however, he ill- 
naturedly enough attributes to their eating pickles, and drinking 
vinegar. 

The Philadelphians boast much of the situation and plan of 
their city, and well may they, since it is undoubtedly, as fair and 
square, and regular, and right angled, as any mechanical genius 
could possibly have made it. I am clearly of opinion that this 
hum drum regularity has a vast effect on the character of its 
inhabitants and even on their looks, " for you will observe," 
writes Linkum, "that they are an honest, worthy, square, good- 
looking, well-meaning, regular, uniform, straight-forward, clock- 
work, clear-headed, one-like-another, salubrious, upright, kind of 
people, who always go to work methodically, never put the cart 
before the horse, talk like a book, walk mathematically, never 
turn but in right angles, think syllogistically, and. pun theoreti- 



THE CITY OF PENN. 205 

cally, according to the genuine rules of Cicero and Dean Swift; 
■ — whereas the people of New York — God help them — tossed 
about over hills and dales, through lanes and alleys, and crooked 
streets — continually mounting and descending, turning and twist- 
ing — whisking off at tangents, and left-angle-triangles, just like 
their own queer, odd, topsy-turvy rantipole city, are the most 
irregular, crazy headed, quicksilver, eccentric, whim-whamsical 
set of mortals that ever were jumbled together in this uneven, 
villainous revolving globe, and are the very antipodeans to the 
Philadelphians." 

The streets of Philadelphia are wide and straight, which is 
wisely ordered, for the inhabitants having generally crooked 
noses, and most commonly travelling hard after them, the good 
folks would undoubtedly soon go to the wall, in the crooked 
streets of our city. This fact of the crooked noses has not been 
hitherto remarked by any of our American travellers, but must 
strike every stranger of the least observation. There is, how- 
ever, one place which I would recommend to all my fellow-citi- 
zens, who may come after me, as a promenade — I mean Dock 
street — the only street in Philadelphia that bears any resem- 
blance to New York — how tender, how exquisite are the feel- 
ings awakened in the breast of a traveller, when his eye encoun- 
ters some object which reminds him of his far distant country ! 
The pensive New Yorker, having drank his glass of porter, and 
smoked his cigar after dinner (by the way I would recommend 
Sheaff, as selling the best Philadelphia), may here direct his soli- 
tary steps and indulge in that mellow tenderness in which the 
sentimental Kotzebue erst delighted to wallow — he may recall 
the romantic scenery and graceful windings of Maiden Lane, and 
Pearl street, trace the tumultuous gutter in its harmonious 
meanderings, and almost fancy he beholds the moss-crowned roof 



206 SALMAGUNDI. 

of the Bear Market, or the majestic steeple of St. Paul's tower- 
ing to the clouds. — Perhaps, too, he may have left behind him 
some gentle fair one, who, all the live-long evening, sits pen- 
sively at the window, leaning on her elbows, and counting the 
lingering, lame and broken-winded moments that so tediously 
lengthen the hours which separate her from the object of her 
contemplations !- — delightful Lethe of the soul — sunshine of 
existence- — wife and children poking up the cheerful evening fire 
— paper windows, mud walls, love in a cottage — sweet sensi- 
bility — and all that. 

Everybody has heard of the famous Bank of Pennsylvania, 
which, since the destruction of the tomb of Mausolus, and the 
Colossus of Rhodes, may fairly be estimated as one of the won- 
ders of the world. My landlord thinks it unquestionably the 
finest building upon earth. The honest man has never seen the 
theatre in New York, or the new brick church at the head of 
Rector street, which, when finished, will beyond all doubt be 
infinitely superior to the Pennsylvania barns I noted before. 

Philadelphia is a place of great trade and commerce — not 
but that it would have been much more so, that is had it been 
built on the site of New York : but as New York has engrossed 
its present situation, I think Philadelphia must be content to 
stand where it does at present — at any rate it is not Philadel- 
phia's fault, nor is it any concern of mine, so I shall not make 
myself uneasy about the affair. Besides, to use Trim's argu- 
ment, were that city to stand where New York does, it might 
perhaps have the misfortune to be called New York and not 
Philadelphia, which would be quite another matter, and this 
portion of my travels had undoubtedly been smothered before it 
was born — which would have been a thousand pities indeed. 

Of the manufactures of Philadelphia, I can say but little, 



THE LADIES. 207 

except that the people are famous for an excellent kind of con- 
fectionery, made from the drainings of sugar. The process is 
simple as any in Mrs. Glass's excellent and useful work (which 
I hereby recommend to the fair hands of all young ladies, who 
are not occupied in reading Moore's poems) — you buy a pot — 
put your molasses in your pot — (if you can beg, borrow, or 
steal your molasses it will come much cheaper than if you buy 
it) — boil your molasses to a proper consistency ; but if you boil 
it too much, it will be none the better for it — then pour it off 
and let it cool, or draw it out into little pieces about nine inches 
long, and put it by for use. This manufacture is called by the 
Bostonians lasses candy, by the New Yorkers, cock-a-nee-mee — but 
by the polite Philadelphians, by a name utterly impossible to 
pronounce. 

The Philadelphia ladies are some of them beautiful, some of 
them tolerably good looking, and some of them, to say the truth, 
are not at all handsome. They are, however, very agreeable 
in general, except those who are reckoned witty, who, if I might 
be allowed to speak my mind, are very disagreeable, particu- 
larly to young gentlemen, who are travelling for information. 
Being fond of tea-parties, they are a little given to criticism — 
but are in general remarkably discreet, and very industrious as 
I have been assured by some of my friends. Take them all in 
all, however, they are much inferior to the ladies of New York, 
as plainly appears, from several young gentlemen having fallen 
in love with some of our belles, after resisting all the female 
attractions of Philadelphia. Prom this inferiority, I except one, 
who is the most amiable, the most accomplished, the most 
bewitching, and the most of everything that constitutes the 
divinity of woman — mem. — golden apple ! 



208 SALMAGUNDI. 

The amusements of the Philadelphians are dancing, punning, 
tea-parties, and theatrical exhibitions. In the first, they are far 
inferior to the young people of New York, owing to the misfor- 
tune of their mostly preferring to idle away time in the cultiva- 
tion of the head instead of the heels. It is a melancholy fact 
that an infinite number of young ladies in Philadelphia, whose 
minds are elegantly accomplished in literature, have sacrificed 
to the attainment of such trifling acquisitions, the pigeon-wing, 
the waltz, the Cossack dance, and other matters of equal impor- 
tance. On the other hand they excel the New Yorkers in pun- 
ning, and in the management of tea-parties. In New York 
you never hear, except from some young gentleman just 
returned from a visit to Philadelphia, a single attempt at pun- 
ning, and at a tea-party, the ladies in general are disposed close 
together, like a setting of jewels, or pearls round a locket, in all 
the majesty of good behavior — and if a gentleman wishes to 
have a conversation with one of them, about the backwardness 
of the spring, the improvements in the theatre, or the merits of 
his horse, he is obliged to march up in the face of such volleys 
of eye-shot ! such a formidable artillery of glances ! If he 
escapes annihilation, he should cry out a miracle ! and never 
encounter such dangers again. I remember to have once heard 
a very valiant British officer, who had served with great credit 
for some years in the train-bands, declare with a veteran oath, 
that sooner than encounter such deadly peril, he would fight his 
way clear through a London mob, though he were pelted with 
brick-bats all the time. Some ladies who were present at this 
declaration of the gallant officer, were inclined to consider it a 
great compliment, until one, more knowing than the rest, 
declared, with a little piece of a sneer, " that they were very 



A DISCOMFITED OFFICER. 209 

much obliged to him for likening the company to a London 
mob, and their glances to brick-bats." The officer looked blue, 
turned on his heel, made a fine retreat, and went home with a 
determination to quiz the American ladies as soon as he got to 
London, 



210 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XL— TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 1807. 
LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN", 

CAPTAIN OF A KETOH, TO ASEM HAOCHEM, PKINOIPAL SLAVE - 
DEIVEE TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TEIPOLI. 

THE deep shadows of midnight gather around me ; the foot- 
steps of the passengers have ceased in the streets, and 
nothing disturbs the holy silence of the hour save the sound of 
the distant drums, mingled with the shouts, the bawlings, and 
the discordant revelry of his majesty, the Sovereign Mob. Let 
the hour be sacred to friendship, and consecrated to thee, O 
thou brother of my inmost soul ! 

Oh, Asem ! I almost shrink at the recollection of the scenes 
of confusion, of licentious disorganization which I have wit- 
nessed during the last three days. I have beheld this whole 
city, nay, this whole State, given up to the tongue and the pen ; 
to the puffers, the bawlers, the babblers, and the slang-whangers. 
I have beheld the community convulsed with a civil war, or 
civil talk ; individuals verbally massacred, families annihilated 
by whole sheets full, and slang-whangers coolly bathing their 
pens in ink and rioting in the slaughter of their thousands. I 
have seen, in short, that awful despot, the People, in the 
moment of unlimited power, wielding newspapers in one hand, 



AN ELECTION. 211 

and with the other scattering mud and filth about, like some 
desperate lunatic relieved from the restraints of- his strait 
waistcoat. I have seen beggars on horseback, ragamuffins 
riding in coaches, and swine seated in places of honor ; I have 
seen liberty ; I have seen equality ; I have seen fraternity ! I 
have seen that great political puppet-show — an Election. 

A few days ago the friend, whom I have mentioned in some 
of my former letters, called upon me to accompany him to wit- 
ness this grand ceremony ; and we forthwith sallied out to the 
polls, as he called them. Though for several weeks before this 
splendid exhibition nothing else had been talked of, yet I do 
assure thee I was entirely ignorant of its nature ; and when, on 
coming up to a church, my companion informed me we were at 
the polls, I supposed that an election was some great religious 
ceremony like the fast of Ramazan, or the great festival of 
Haraphat, so celebrated in the East. 

My friend, however, undeceived me at once, and entered into 
a long dissertation on the nature and object of an election, the 
substance of which was nearly to this effect : " You know," said 
he, " that this country is engaged in a violent internal warfare, 
and suffers a variety of evils from civil dissensions. An election 
is the grand trial of strength, the decisive battle when the belli- 
gerents draw out their forces in martial array ; when every 
leader, burning with warlike ardor, and encouraged by the 
shouts and acclamations of tatterdemalions, buffoons, dependents, 
parasites, toad-eaters, scrubs, vagrants, mumpers, ragamuffins, 
bravoes, and beggars, in his rear; and puffed up by his bellows- 
blowing slang-whangers, waves gallantly the banners of faction, 
and presses forward to office and immortality I 

" Eor a month or two previous to the critical period which is 
to decide this important affair, the whole community is in a 



212 SALMAGUNDI. 

ferment. Every man, of whatever rank or degree — such is the 
wonderful patriotism of the people — disinterestedly neglects his 
business to devote himself to his country ; and not an insignifi- 
cant fellow but feels himself inspired, on this occasion, with as 
much warmth in favor of the cause he has espoused, as if all the 
comfort of his life, or even his life itself, was dependent on the 
issue. Grand councils of war are, in the first place, called by 
the different powers, which are dubbed general meetings, where 
all the head workmen of the party collect, and arrange the 
order of battle — appoint the different commanders, and their 
subordinate instruments, and furnish the funds indispensable for 
supplying the expenses of the war. Inferior councils are next 
called in the different classes or wards, consisting of young 
cadets, who are candidates for offices; idlers who come there for 
mere curiosity ; and orators who appear for the purpose of 
detailing all the crimes, the faults, or the weaknesses of their 
opponents, and speaking the sense of the meeting, as it is called ; 
for as the meeting generally consists of men whose quota of 
sense, taken individually, would make but a poor figure, these 
orators are appointed to collect it all in a lump ; when, I assure 
you, it makes a very formidable appearance, and furnishes suffi- 
cient matter to spin an oration of two or three hours. 

" The orators who declaim at these meetings are, with a few 
exceptions, men of most profound and perplexed eloquence ; who 
are the oracles of barbers' shops, market-places, and porter- 
houses ; and who you may see every day at the corners of the 
streets, taking honest men prisoners by the button, and talking 
their ribs quite bare without mercy and without end. These 
orators, in addressing an audience, generally mount a chair, a 
table, or an empty beer barrel, which last is supposed to afford 
considerable inspiration, and thunder away their combustible 



POLITICAL ORATORY. 213 

sentiments at the heads of the audience, who are generally so 
busily employed in smoking, drinking, and hearing themselves 
talk, that they seldom hear a word of the matter. This, how- 
ever, is of little moment ; for as they come there to agree, at all 
events, to a certain set of resolutions, or articles of war, it is 
not at all necessary to hear the speech ; more especially as few 
would understand it if they did. Do not suppose, however, that 
the minor persons of the meeting are entirely idle. Besides 
smoking and drinking, which are generally practised, there are 
few who do not come with as great a desire to talk as the 
orator himself ; each has his little circle of listeners, in the midst 
of whom he sets his hat on one side of his head, and deals out 
matter-of-fact information, and draws self-evident conclusions 
with the pertinacity of a pedant, and to the great edification of 
his gaping auditors. Nay, the very urchins from the nursery, 
who are scarcely emancipated from the dominion of birch, on 
these occasions strut pigmy great men, bellow for the instruc- 
tion of grey-bearded ignorance, and, like the frog in the fable, 
endeavor to puff themselves up to the size of the great object of 
their emulation — the principal orator." 

" But is it not preposterous to a degree," cried I, "for those 
puny whipsters to attempt to lecture age and experience ? They 
should be sent to school to learn better." " Not at all," replied 
my friend ; " for as an election is nothing more than a war of 
words, the man that can wag his tongue with the greatest elas- 
ticity, whether he speaks to the purpose or not, is entitled to 
lecture at ward meetings and polls, and instruct all who are 
inclined to listen to him ; you may have remarked a ward meet- 
ing of politic dogs, where, although the great dog is, ostensibly, 
the leader, and makes the most noise, yet every little scoundrel 
of a cur has something to say • and in proportion to his insigni- 



214 SALMAGUNDI. 

ficance, fidgets, and worries, and puffs about mightily, in order 
to obtain the notice and approbation of his betters. Thus it is 
with these little, beardless, bread-and-butter politicians, who, on 
this occasion, escape from the jurisdiction of their mammas to 
attend to the affairs of the nation. You will see them engaged 
in dreadful wordy contest with old cartmen, cobblers, and tailors, 
and plume themselves not a little if they should chance to gain a 
victory. Aspiring spirits ! how interesting are the first dawn- 
ings of political greatness ! An election, my friend, is a nursery 
or hot-bed of genius in a logocracy ; and I look with enthusiasm 
on a troop of these Lilliputian partisans, as so many chatterers, 
and orators and puffers, and slang-whangers in embryo, who will 
one day take an important part in the quarrels, and wordy wars 
of their country. 

"As the time for fighting the decisive battle approaches, 
appearances become more and more alarming ; committees are 
appointed, who hold little encampments from whence they send 
out small detachments of tattlers, to reconnoitre, harass, and 
skirmish with the enemy, and, if possible, ascertain their num- 
bers ; everybody seems big with the mighty event that is im- 
pending ; the orators they gradually swell up beyond their usual 
size ; the little Orators they grow greater and greater ; the 
secretaries of the ward committees strut about looking like 
wooden oracles ; the puffers put on the airs of mighty conse- 
quence ; the slang-whangers deal out direful innuendoes, and 
threats of doughty import, and all is buzz, murmur, suspense, 
and sublimity ! 

" At length the day arrives. The storm that has been so 
long gathering and threatening in distant thunders, bursts forth 
in terrible explosion ; all business is at an end ; the whole city is 
in a tumult ; the people are running helter-skelter, they know 



THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE. p 215 

not whither, and they know not why : the hackney coaches rat- 
tle through the streets with thundering vehemence, loaded with 
recruiting sergeants who have been prowling in cellars and caves, 
to unearth some miserable minion of poverty and ignorance, who 
will barter his vote for a glass of beer, or a ride in a coach with 
such fine gentlemen ! — the buzzards of the party scamper from 
poll to poll, on foot or on horseback ; and they worry from 
committee to committee, and buzz, and fume, and talk big, 
and — do nothing : like the vagabond drone, who wastes his 
time in the laborious idleness of see-saw-song, and busy nothing- 
ness." 

I know not how long my friend would have continued his 
detail, had he not been interrupted by a squabble which took 
place between two old continentals, as they were called. It seems 
they had entered into an argument on the respective merits of 
their cause, and not being able to make each other, clearly under- 
stood, resorted to what is called knock-down arguments, which 
form the superlative degree of argumentum ad kominem ; but are, 
in my opinion, extremely inconsistent with the true spirit of a 
genuine logocracy. After they had beaten each other soundly, 
and set the whole mob together by the ears, they came to a full 
explanation ; when it was discovered that they were both of the 
same way of thinking; whereupon they shook each other heartily 
by the hand, and laughed with great glee at their humorous 
misunderstanding. 

I could not help being struck with the exceeding great num- 
ber of ragged, dirty-looking persons that swaggered about the 
place, and seemed to think themselves the bashaws of the land. 
I inquired of my friend if these people were employed to drive 
away the hogs, dogs, and other intruders that might thrust 
themselves in and interrupt the ceremony ? " By no means," 



216 SALMAGUNDI. 

•replied he ; these are the representatives of the sovereign peo- 
ple, who come here to make governors, senators, and members 
of assembly, and are the source of all power and authority in 
this nation." " Preposterous !" said I j " how is it possible that 
such men can be capable of distinguishing between an honest 
man and a knave ; or, even if they were, will it not always hap- 
pen that they are led by the nose by some intriguing demagogue, 
and made the mere tools of ambitious political jugglers ? Surely 
it would be better to trust to Providence, or even to chance, for 
governors, than resort to the discriminating powers of an igno- 
rant mob. I plainly perceive the consequence. A man, who 
possesses superior talents, and that honest pride which ever 
accompanies this possession, will always be sacrificed by some 
creeping insect who will prostitute himself to familiarity with 
the lowest of mankind ; and, like the idolatrous Egyptian, wor- 
ship the wallowing tenants of filth and mire." 

" All this is true enough," replied my friend, " but after all, 
you cannot say but that this is a free country, and that the peo- 
ple can get drunk cheaper here, particularly at elections, than in 
the despotic countries of the East." I could not, with any de- 
gree of propriety or truth, deny this last assertion ; for just at 
that moment a patriotic brewer arrived with a load of beer, 
which, for a moment, occasioned a cessation of argument. The 
great crowd of buzzards, puffers, and " old continentals " of all 
parties, who throng to the polls, to persuade, to cheat, or to 
force the freeholders into the right way, and to maintain the 
freedom of suffrage, seemed for a moment to forget their antipa- 
thies, and joined heartily in a copious libation of this patriotic 
and argumentative beverage. 

These beer-barrels, indeed, seem to be most able logicians, 
well stored with that kind of sound argument best suited to the 



HUMILITY. 217 

comprehension, and most relished by the mob, or sovereign peo- 
ple, who are never so tractable as when operated upon by this 
convincing liquor, which, in fact, seems to be imbued with the 
very spirit of a logocracy. No sooner does it begin its opera- 
tion, than the tongue waxes exceeding valorous, and becomes 
impatient for some mighty conflict. The puffer puts himself at 
the head of his body-guard of buzzards, and his legion of raga- 
muffins, and woe then to every unhappy adversary who is unin- 
spired by the deity of the beer-barrel — he is sure to be talked, 
and argued, into complete insignificance. 

While I was making these observations, I was surprised to 
observe a bashaw, high in office, shaking a fellow by the hand, 
that looked rather more ragged than a scarecrow, and inquiring 
with apparent solicitude concerning the health of his family ; 
after which he slipped a little folded paper into his hand and 
turned away. I could not help applauding his humility in shak- 
ing the fellow's hand, and his benevolence in relieving his dis- 
tresses, for I imagined the paper contained something for the 
poor man's necessities ; and truly he seemed verging toward the 
last stage of starvation. My friend, however, soon undeceived 
me -by saying that this was an elector, and that the bashaw had 
merely given him the list of candidates for whom he was to vote. 
" Ho ! ho !" said I, " then he is a particular friend of the 
bashaw ?" "By no means," replied my friend, " the bashaw 
will pass him without notice, the day after the election, except, 
perhaps, just to drive over him with his coach." 

My friend then proceeded to inform me that for some time 
before, and during the continuance of an election, there was a 
most delectable courtship, or intrigue carried on between the 
great bashaws and the mother mob. That mother mob gene- 
rally preferred the attentions of the rabble, or of fellows of her 

10 



218 SALMAGUNDI. 

own stamp ; but would sometimes condescend to be treated to a 
feasting, or anything of that kind, at the bashaw's expense ! 
Nay, sometimes when she was in good humor, she would conde- 
scend to toy with him in her rough way : but woe to the ba- 
shaw who attempted to be familiar with her, for she was the 
most petulant, cross, crabbed, scolding, thieving, scratching, 
toping, wrongheaded, rebellious, and abominable termagant that 
ever was let loose in the world to the confusion of honest gentle- 
men bashaws. 

Just then a fellow came round and distributed among the 
crowd a number of handbills, written by the ghost of Washing- 
ton, the fame of whose illustrious actions, and still more illustri- 
ous virtues, have reached even the remotest regions of the East, 
and who is venerated by this people as the Father of his coun- 
try. On reading this paltry paper, I could not restrain my 
indignation. " Insulted hero," cried I, " is it thus thy name is 
profaned, thy memory disgraced, thy spirit drawn down from 
heaven to administer to the brutal violence of party rage ? It 
is thus the necromancers of the East, by their infernal incanta- 
tions, sometimes call up the shades of the just, to give their 
sanction to frauds, to lies, and to every species of enormity." 
My friend smiled at my warmth, and observed, that raising 
ghosts, and not only raising them but making them speak, was 
one of the miracles of election. " And believe me," continued 
he, " there is good reason for the ashes of departed heroes being 
disturbed on these occasions, for such is the sandy foundation of 
our government, that there never happens an election of an 
alderman, or a collector, or even a constable, but we are in im- 
minent danger of losing our liberties, and becoming a province 
of France, or tributary to the British islands." " By the hump 
of Mahomet's camel," said I, " but this is only another striking 



A ROW. 219 

example of the prodigious great scale on which everything is 
transacted in this country !" 

By this time I had become tired of the scene ; my head ached 
with the uproar of voices, mingling in all the discordant tones 
of triumphant exclamation, nonsensical argument, intemperate 
reproach, and drunken absurdity. The confusion was such as no 
language can adequately describe, and it seemed as if all the 
restraints of decency, and all the bands of law, had been broken 
and given place to the wide ravages of licentious brutality. 
These, thought I, are the orgies of liberty ! these are manifes- 
tations of the spirit of independence ! these are the sym- 
bols of man's sovereignty ! Head of Mahomet I with what a 
fatal and inexorable despotism do empty names and ideal phan- 
toms exercise their dominion over the human mind ! The expe- 
rience of ages has demonstrated, that in all nations, barbarous 
or enlightened, the mass of the people, the mob, must be slaves, 
or they will be tyrants ; but their tyranny will not be long : 
some ambitious leader, having at first condescended to be their 
slave, will at length become their master ; and in proportion to 
the vileness of his former servitude, will be the severity of his 
subsequent tyranny. Yet, with innumerable examples staring 
them in the face, the people still bawl out liberty ; by which 
they mean nothing but freedom from every species of legal re- 
straint, and a warrant for all kinds of Licentiousness ; and the 
bashaws and leaders, in courting the mob, convince them of their 
power ; and by administering to their passions, for the purposes 
of ambition, at length learn, by fatal experience, that he who 
worships the beast that carries him on his back, will sooner or 
later be thrown into the dust, and trampled under foot by the 
animal who has learnt the secret of its power, by this very ado- 
ration. Ever thine, Mustapha. 



220 SALMAGUNDI. 

FKOM MY ELBOW-CHAIE. 

MINE UNCLE JOHN. 

TO those whose habits of abstraction may have let them 
into some of the secrets of their own minds, and whose 
freedom from daily toil has left them at leisure to analyze their 
feelings, it will be nothing new to say tnat the present is pecu- 
liarly the season of remembrance. The flowers, the zephyrs, and 
the warblers of spring, returning after their tedious absence, 
bring naturally to our recollection past times and buried feelings ; 
and the whispers of the full-foliaged grove, fall on the ear of 
contemplation, like the sweet tones of far distant friends whom 
the rude jostlers of the world have severed from us and cast far 
beyond our reach. It is at such times, that, casting backward 
many a lingering look, we recall, with a kind of sweet-souled 
melancholy, the days of our youth, and the jocund companions 
who started with us the race of life, but parted midway in the 
journey to pursue some winding path that allured them with a 
prospect more seducing, and never returned to us again. It is 
then, too, if we have been afflicted with any heavy sorrow, if 
we have even lost — and who has not ! — an old friend or chosen 
companion, that his shade will hover around us ; the memory 
of his virtues press on the heart ; and a thousand endearing 
recollections, forgotten amidst the cold pleasures and midnight 
dissipations of winter, arise to our remembrance. 

These speculations bring to my mind, my uncle John, the 
history of whose loves, and disappointments, I have promised to 
the world. Though I must own myself much addicted to forget- 
ting my promises, yet, as I have been so happily reminded of this 
I believe I must pay it at once, " and there is an end." Lest 



MY UNCLE JOHN. 221 

my readers — good-natured souls that they are ! — should, in the 
ardor of peeping into millstones, take my uncle for an old acquain- 
tance, I here inform them, that the old gentleman died a great 
many years ago, and it is impossible they should ever have known 
him. I pity them — for they would have known a good-natured, 
benevolent man, whose example might have been of service! 

The last time I saw my uncle John, was fifteen years ago, 
when I paid him a visit at his old mansion. I found him read- 
ing a newspaper — for it was election-time, and he was always a 
warm federalist, and had made several converts to the true 
political faith in his time ; particularly one old tenant who 

always, just before the election, became a violent anti in 

order that he might be convinced of his errors by my uncle, who 
never failed to reward his conviction by some substantial 
benefit. 

After we had settled the affairs of the nation, and I had paid 
my respects to the old family chroniclers in the kitchen — an 
indispensable ceremony — the old gentleman exclaimed, with 
heartfelt glee, " Well, I suppose you are for a trout-fishing ; I 
have got everything prepared ; but first you must take a walk 
with me to see my improvements." I was obliged to consent ; 
though I knew my uncle would lead me a -most villainous dance, 
and in all probability treat me to a quagmire, or a tumble into 
a ditch. If my readers choose to accompany me in this expedi- 
tion, they are welcome ; if not, let them stay at home like lazy 
fellows- — and sleep — or be hanged. 

Though I had been absent several years, yet there was very 
little alteration in the scenery, and every object retained the 
same features it bore when I was a school-boy : for it was in 
this spot that I grew up in the fear of ghosts, and in the break- 
ing of many of the ten commandments. The brook, or river, as 



222 SALMAGUNDI. 

they would call it in Europe, still murmured with its wonted 
sweetness through the meadow ; and its banks were still tufted 
with dwarf willows, that bent down to the surface. The same 
echo inhabited the valley, and the same tender air of repose per- 
vaded the whole scene. Even my good uncle was but little 
altered, except that his hair was grown a little greyer, and his 
forehead had lost some of its former smoothness. He had, how- 
ever, lost nothing of his former activity, and laughed heartily at 
the difficulty I found in keeping up with him as he stumped 
through bushes, and briers, and hedges ; talking all the time 
about his improvements, and telling what he would do with 
such a spot of ground and such a tree. At length, after show- 
ing me his stone fences, his famous two-year-old bull, his new 
invented cart, which was to go before the horse, and his Eclipse 
colt, he was pleased to return home to dinner. 

After dinner and returning thanks — which with him was not 
a ceremony merely, but an offering from the heart — my uncle 
opened his trunk, took out his fishing-tackle, and, without say- 
ing a word, sallied forth with some of those truly alarming steps 
which Daddy Neptune once took when he was in a great hurry 
to attend the affair of the siege of Troy. Trout-fishing was my 
uncle's favorite sport ; and, though I always caught two fish for 
his one, he never would acknowledge my superiority ; but puz- 
zled himself often and often, to account for such a singular phe- 
nomenon. 

Following the current of the brook, for a mile or two, we 
retraced many of our old haunts, and told a hundred adventures 
which had befallen us at different times. It was like snatching 
the hour-glass of time, inverting it, and rolling back again the 
sands that had marked the lapse of years. At length the 
shadows began to lengthen, the south wind gradually settled 



MEDITATIVE. 223 

into a perfect calm, the sun threw his rays through the trees on 
the hill-tops in golden lustre, and a kind of Sabbath stillness 
pervaded the whole valley, indicating that the hour was fast 
approaching which was to relieve for a while the farmer from 
his rural labor, the ox from his toil, the school urchin from his 
primer, and bring the loving ploughman home to the feet of his 
blooming dairy-maid. 

As we were watching in silence the last rays of the sun, 
beaming their farewell radiance on the high hills at a distance, 
my uncle exclaimed, in a kind of half desponding tone, while he 
rested his arm over an old tree that had fallen : "I know not 
how it is, my dear Launce, but such an evening, and such a still 
quiet scene as this, always makes me a little sad ; and it is at 
such a time I am most apt to look forward with regret to the 
period when this farm, on which ' I have been young but now 
am old,' and every object around me that is endeared by long 
acquaintance — when all these and I must shake hands and part. 
I have no fear of death, for my life has afforded but little 
temptation to wickedness ; and when I die, I hope to leave 
behind me more substantial proofs of virtue than will be found 
in my epitaph, and more lasting memorials than churches built 
or hospitals endowed, with wealth wrung from the hard hand 
of poverty, by an unfeeling landlord or unprincipled knave ; but 
still, when I pass such a day as this and contemplate such a 
scene, I cannot help feeling a latent wish to linger yet a little 
longer in this peaceful asylum ; to enjoy a little more sunshine 
in this world, and to have a few more fishing matches with my 
boy." As he ended, he raised his hand a little from the fallen 
tree, and, dropping it languidly by his side, turned himself 
toward home. The sentiment, the look, the action, all seemed 
to be prophetic. And so they were, for when I shook him by 



224 SALMAGUNDI. 

the hand, and bade him farewell the next morning — it was for 
the last time ! 

He died a bachelor, at the age of sixty-three, though he had 
been all his life trying to get married, and always thought him- 
self on the point of accomplishing his wishes. His disappoint- 
ments were not owing either to the deformity of his mind or 
person ; for in his youth he was reckoned handsome, and I 
myself can witness for him that he had as kind a heart as ever 
was fashioned by heaven ; neither were they owing to his 
poverty — which sometimes stands in an honest man's way — for 
he was born to the inheritance of a small estate which was suffi- 
cient to establish his claim to the title of " one well to do in the 
world." The truth is, my uncle had a prodigious antipathy to 
doing things in a hurry. " A man should consider," said he to 
me once, " that he can always get a wife, but cannot always get 
rid of her. For my part," continued he, "lama young fellow, 
with the world before me" — he was about forty! — "and am 
resolved to look sharp, weigh matters well, and know what's 
what, before I marry : in short, Launce, I don't intend to do the 
thing in a hurry, depend upon it? On this whim-wham he pro- 
ceeded. He began with young girls, and ended with widows. 
The girls he courted until they grew old maids, or married out 
of pure apprehension of incurring certain penalties hereafter ; 
and the widows, not having quite as much patience, generally at 
the end of a year, while the good man thought himself in the 
high road to success, married some harum-scarum young fellow, 
who had not such an antipathy to doing things in a hurry. 

My uncle would have inevitably sunk under these repeated 
disappointments — for he did not want sensibility — had he not 
hit upon a discovery which set all to rights at once. He con- 
soled his vanity — for he was a little vain, and soothed his pride — 



MARRIAGE. 225 

• 

which was his master passion — by telling his friends very signi- 
ficantly, while his eye would flash triumph, " that he might have 
had her." Those who know how much of the bitterness of dis- 
appointed affection arises from wounded vanity and exasperated 
pride, will give my uncle credit for this discovery. 

My uncle had been told by a prodigious number of married 
men, and had read in an innumerable quantity of books, that a 
man could not possibly be happy except in the marriage state ; 
so he determined at an early age to marry, that he might not 
lose his only chance for happiness. He, accordingly, forthwith 
paid his addresses to the daughter of a neighboring gentleman 
farmer, who was reckoned the beauty of the whole world ; a 
phrase by which the honest country people mean nothing more 
than the circle of" their acquaintance, or that territory of land 
which is within sight of the smoke of their own hamlet. 

This young lady, in addition to her beauty, was highly accom- 
plished, for she had spent five or six months at a boarding- 
school in town ; where she learned to work pictures in satin and 
paint sheep, that might be mistaken for wolves ; to hold up her 
head, sit straight in her chair, and to think every species of use- 
ful acquirement beneath her attention. When she returned 
home, so completely had she forgotten everything she knew be* 
fore, that on seeing one of the maids milking a cow, she asked 
her father, with an air of most enchanting ignorance, "what 
that odd-looking thing was doing to that queer animal ?" The 
old man shook his head at this ; but the mother was delighted 
at these symptoms of gentility, and so enamored of her 
daughter's accomplishments that she actually got framed a pic- 
ture worked in satin by the young lady. It represented the 
tomb scene in Romeo and Juliet. Romeo was dressed in an 
orange-colored cloak, fastened round his neck with a large 

10* 



226 SALMAGUNDI. 

golden clasp ; a white satin tamboured waistcoat, leather 
breeches, blue silk stockings, and white topped boots. The amiable 
Juliet shone in a flame-colored gown, most gorgeously bespangled 
with silver stars, a high crowned muslin cap that reached to the 
top of the tomb ; on her feet she wore a pair of short-quartered 
high-heeled shoes, and her waist was the exact fac-simile of an 
inverted sugarloaf. The head of the "noble county Paris" 
looked like a chimney-sweeper's brush that had lost its handle ; 
and the cloak of the good Friar hung about him as gracefully 
as the armor of a rhinoceros. The good lady considered this 
picture as a splendid proof of her daughter's accomplishments, 
and hung it up in the best parlor, as an honest tradesman does 
his certificate of admission into that enlightened body yclept the 
Mechanic Society. 

With this accomplished young lady then did my uncle John 
become deeply enamored, and, as it was his first love, he deter- 
mined to bestir himself in an extraordinary manner. Once 
at least in a fortnight, and generally on a Sunday evening, he 
would put on his leather breeches, for he was a great beau, 
mount his grey horse Pepper, and ride over to see his Miss 
Pamela, though she lived upward of a mile off, and he was 
obliged to pass close by a churchyard, which at least a hundred 
creditable persons would swear was haunted ! Miss Pamela 
could not be insensible to such proofs of attachment, and accor- 
dingly received him with considerable kindness ; her mother 
always left the room when he came, and my uncle had as good 
as made a declaration, by saying, one evening, very significantly, 
" that he believed that he should soon change his condition f 
when, somehow or other, he began to think he was doing things 
in too great a hurry , and that it was high time to consider : so 
•he considered near a month about it, and there is no saying how 



I MIGHT HAVE HAD HEE. 227 

much longer he might have spun the thread of his doubts had he 
not been roused from this state of indecision, by the news that 
his mistress had married an attorney's apprentice, whom she had 
seen the Sunday before at church ; where he had excited the 
applauses of the whole congregation by the invincible gravity 
with which he listened to a Dutch sermon. The young people 
in the neighborhood laughed a good deal at my uncle on the 
occasion, but he only shrugged his shoulders, looked mysterious, 
and replied, " Tut boys ! I might have had her." 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Our publisher, who is busily engaged in printing a celebrated work, 
which is perhaps more generally read in this city than any other book, 
not excepting the Bible — I mean the New York Directory— has begged 
so hard that we will not overwhelm him with too much of a good thing, 
that we have, with Langstaff's approbation, cut short the residue of uncle 
John's amours. In all probability it will be given in a future number, 

whenever Launcelot is in the humor for it — he is such an odd but 

mum, for fear of another suspension. 



228 



SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XII.— SATUKDAY, JUNE 27, 1807. 
FKOM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

SOME men delight in the study of plants, in the dissection of 
a leaf, or the contour and complexion of a tulip ; others 
are charmed with the beauties of the feathered race, or the 
varied hues of the insect tribe. A naturalist will spend hours 
in the fatiguing pursuit of a butterfly, and a man of the ton will 
waste whole years in the chase of a fine lady. I feel a respect 
for their avocations, for my own are somewhat similar. I love 
to open the great volume of human character ; to me the 
examination of a beau is more interesting than that of a daffodil 
or narcissus, and I feel a thousand times more pleasure in 
catching a new view of human nature, than in kidnapping the 
most gorgeous butterfly — even an Emperor of Morocco himself ! 
In my present situation I have ample room for the indulgence 
of this taste ; for, perhaps, there is not a house in this city more 
fertile in subjects for the anatomist of human character, than my 
Cousin Cockloft's. Honest Christopher, as I have before men- 
tioned, is one of those hearty old cavaliers who pride themselves 
upon keeping up the good, honest unceremonious hospitality of 
old times. He is never so happy as when he has drawn about 
him a knot of sterling-hearted associates, and sits at the head of 
his table dispensing a warm, cheering welcome to all. His 



ODD HUMANITIES. 229 

countenance expands at every glass and beams forth emanations 
of hilarity, benevolence, and good-fellowship, that inspire 
and gladden every guest around him. It is no wonder, there- 
fore, that such excellent social qualities should attract a host of 
friends and guests ; in fact, my cousin is almost overwhelmed 
with them ; and they all, uniformly, pronounce old Cockloft to 
be one of the finest old fellows in the world. His wine also 
always comes in for a good share of their approbation ; nor do 
they forget to do honor to Mrs. Cockloft's cookery, pronounc- 
ing it to be modelled after the most approved recipes of Helio- 
gabalus and Mrs. Glasse. The variety of company thus at- 
tracted is particularly pleasing to me ; for, being considered a 
privileged person in the family, I can sit in a corner, indulge in 
my favorite amusement of observation, and retreat to my elbow- 
chair like a bee to his hive, whenever I have collected sufficient 
food for meditation. 

Will Wizard is particularly efficient in adding to the stock of 
originals which frequent our house ; for he is one of the most 
inveterate hunters of oddities I ever knew ; and his first care,, 
on making a new acquaintance, is to gallant him to old Cock- 
loft's, where he never fails to receive the freedom of the house 
in a pinch from his gold box. Will has, without exception, the 
queerest, most eccentric, and indescribable set of intimates that 
ever man possessed ; how he became acquainted with them I 
cannot conceive, except by supposing there is a secret attrac- 
tion or unintelligible sympathy that unconsciously draws together 
oddities of every soil. 

Will's great crony for sortie time was Tom Straddle, to whom 
he took a great liking. Straddle had just arrived in an impor- 
tation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, or rather, 
as the most learned English would call it, Brummagem, so 



230 SALMAGUNDI. 

famous for its manufactories of gimlets, penknives, and pepper- 
boxes ; and where they make buttons and beaux enough to 
inundate our whole country. He was a young man of consider- 
able standing in the manufactory at Birmingham, sometimes had 
the honor to hand his master's daughter into a tim-whisky, 
was the oracle of the tavern he frequented on Sundays, and 
could beat all his associates, if you would take his word for it, 
in boxing, beer-drinking, jumping over chairs, and imitating cats 
in a gutter and opera singers. Straddle was, moreover, a mem- 
ber of a Catch Club, and was a great hand at ringing bob- 
majors ; he was, of course, a complete connoisseur of music, and 
entitled to assume that character at all performances in the art. 
He was likewise a member of a Spouting Club, had seen a com- 
pany of strolling actors perform in a barn, and had even, like 
Abel Drugger, " enacted " the part of Major Sturgeon with con- 
siderable applause ; he was consequently a profound critic, and 
fully authorized to turn up his nose at any American perform- 
ances. He had twice partaken of annual dinners, given to the 
head manufacturers of Birmingham, where he had the good for- 
tune to get a taste of turtle and turbot ; and a smack of cham- 
pagne and Burgundy ; and he had heard a vast deal of the 
roast-beef of Old England ; he was therefore epicure sufficient 
to cl — n every dish, and every glass of wine, he tasted in Ame- 
rica, though, at the same time, he was as voracious an animal as 
ever crossed the Atlantic. Straddle had been splashed half-a- 
dozen times by the carriages of nobility, and had once the super- 
lative felicity of being kicked out of doors by the footman of a 
noble duke ; he could, therefore, talk of nobility and despise 
the untitled plebeians of America. In short, Straddle was one of 
those dapper, bustling, florid, round, self-important " gemmen" 
who bounce upon us half beau half button-maker ; undertake to 



TOM STRADDLE. 231 

give us the true polish of the Ion ton, and endeavor to inspire 
us with a proper and dignified contempt of our native country. 

Straddle was quite in raptures when his employers deter- 
mined to send him to America as an agent. He considered him- 
self as going among a nation of barbarians, where he would be 
received as a prodigy ; he anticipated, with a proud satisfaction, 
the bustle and confusion his arrival would occasion ; the crowd 
that would throng to gaze at him as he passed through the 
streets ; and had little doubt but that he should occasion as 
much curiosity as an Indian chief or a Turk in the streets of 
Birmingham. He had heard of the beauty of our women, and 
chuckled at the thought of how completely he should eclipse 
their unpolished beaux, and the number of despairing lovers that 
would mourn the hour of his arrival. I am even informed by 
Will Wizard that he put good store of beads, spike-nails, and 
looking-glasses in his trunk to win the affections of the fair ones 
as they paddled about in their bark canoes. The reason Will 
gave for this error of Straddle's, respecting our ladies, was, that 
he had read in Guthrie's Geography that the aborigines of 
America were all savages ; and not exactly understanding the 
word aborigines, he applied to one of his fellow-apprentices, who 
assured him that it was the Latin word for inhabitants. 

Wizard used to tell another anecdote of Straddle, which 
always put him in a passion : Will swore that the captain of the 
ship told him, that when Straddle heard they were off the banks 
of Newfoundland, he insisted upon going on shore there to 
gather some good cabbages, of which he was excessively fond. 
Straddle, however, denied all this, and declared it to be a mis- 
chievous quiz of Will Wizard ; who indeed often made himself 
merry at his expense. However this may be, certain it is, he 
kept his tailor and shoemaker constantly employed for a month 



232 SALMAGUNDI. 

before his departure ; equipped himself with a smart crooked 
stick about eighteen inches long, a pair of breeches of most 
uuheard-of length, a little short pair of Hoby's white-topped 
boots, that seemed to stand on tip-toe to reach his breeches, and 
his hat had the true trans- Atlantic decliuation toward his right 
ear. The fact was — nor did he make any secret of it — he was 
determined to " astonish the natives a few F 

Straddle was not a little disappointed on his arrival, to find 
the Americans were rather more civilized than he had imagined ; 
he was suffered to walk to his lodgings unmolested by a crowd, 
and even unnoticed by a single individual ; no love-letters came 
pouring in upon him ; no rivals lay in wait to assassinate him ; 
his very dress excited no attention, for there were many fools 
dressed equally ridiculously with himself. This was mortifying 
indeed to an aspiring youth, who had come out with the idea of 
astonishing and captivating. He was equally unfortunate in his 
pretensions to the character of critic, connoisseur, and boxer ; 
he condemned our whole dramatic corps, and everything apper- 
taining to the theatre ; but his critical abilities were ridiculed ; 
he found fault with old Cockloft's dinner, not even sparing his 
wine, and was never invited to the house afterward ; he scoured 
the streets at night, and was cudgelled by a sturdy watchman ; 
he hoaxed an honest mechanic, and was soundly kicked. Thus 
disappointed in all his attempts at notoriety, Straddle hit on the 
expedient which was resorted to by the Giblets — he determined 
to take the town by storm. He accordingly bought horses and 
equipages, and forthwith made a furious dash at style in a gig 
and tandem. 

As Straddle's finances were but limited, it may easily be sup- 
posed that his fashionable career infringed a little upon his con- 
signment, which was indeed the case, for to use a true cockney 



BRUMMAGEM SUFFERING. 233 

phrase, Brummagem suffered. But this was a circumstance that 
made little impression upon Straddle, who was now a lad of 
spirit, and lads of spirit always despise the sordid cares of keep- 
ing another man's money. Suspecting this circumstance, I 
never could witness any of his exhibitions of style, without 
some whimsical association of ideas. Did he give an entertain- 
ment to a host of guzzling Mends, I immediately fancied them 
gormandizing heartily at the expense of poor Birmingham, and 
swallowing a consignment of hand-saws and razors. Did I 
behold him dashing through Broadway in his gig, I saw him, 
"in my mind's eye," driving tandem on a nest of tea-boards ; 
nor could I ever contemplate his cockney exhibitions of horse- 
manship, but my mischievous imagination would picture him 
spurring a cask of hardware, like rosy Bacchus bestriding a beer 
barrel, or the little gentleman who bestraddles the world in the 
front of Hutching's almanac. 

Straddle was equally successful with the Giblets, as may well 
be supposed ; for though pedestrian merit may strive in vain to 
become fashionable in Gotham, yet a candidate in an equipage 
is always recognized, and like Philip's ass, laden with gold, will 
gain admittance everywhere. Mounted in his curricle or his 
gig, the candidate is like a statue elevated on a high pedestal, 
his merits are discernible from afar, and strike the dullest optics. 
Oh, Gotham, Gotham! most enlightened of cities ! — how does 
my heart swell with delight when I beheld your sapient inhabit- 
ants lavishing their attention with such wonderful discern- 
ment ! 

Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, and was caressed, 
and courted, and invited to dinners and balls. Whatever was 
absurd or ridiculous in him before, was now declared to be the style. 
He criticised our theatre, and was listened to with reverence. 



234 SALMAGUNDI. 

He pronounced our musical entertainments barbarous ; and the 
judgment of Apollo himself would not have been more decisive. 
He abused our dinners : and the god of eating, if there be any- 
such deity, seemed to speak through his organs. He became at 
once a man of taste, for he put his malediction on everything ; 
and his arguments were conclusive, for he supported every asser- 
tion with a bet. He was likewise pronounced, by the learned 
in the fashionable world, a young man of great research and 
deep observation ; for he had sent home, as natural curiosities, 
an ear of Indian corn, a pair of moccasins a belt of wampum, 
and a four-leaved clover. He had taken great pains to enrich 
this curious collection with an Indian and a cataract, but with- 
out success. In fine, the people talked of Straddle and his 
equipage, and Straddle talked of his horses, until it was impos- 
sible for the most critical observer to pronounce, whether Strad- 
dle or his horses were most admired, or whether Straddle 
admired himself or his horses most. 

Straddle was now in the zenith of his glory. He swaggered 
about parlors and drawing-rooms with the same unceremonious 
confidence he used to display in the taverns at Birmingham. He 
accosted a lady as he would a bar-maid; and this was pronounced 
a certain proof that he had been used to better company in Bir- 
mingham. He became the great man of all the taverns between 
New York and Harlem, and no one stood a chance of being 
accommodated, until Straddle and his horses were perfectly satis- 
fied. He d d the landlords and waiters with the best air in 

the world, and accosted them with the true gentlemanly fami- 
liarity. He staggered from the dinner-table to the play, entered 
the box like a tempest, and staid long enough to be bored to 
death, and to bore all those who had the misfortune to be near 
him. From thence lie dashed off to a ball time enough to 



A BREAK UP. 235 

flounder through a cotillon, tear half a dozen gowns, commit a 
number of other depredations, and make the whole company- 
sensible of his infinite condescension in coming amongst them. 
The people of Grotham thought him a prodigious fine fellow ; the 
young bucks cultivated his acquaintance with the most persever- 
ing assiduity ; and his retainers were sometimes complimented 
with a seat in his curricle, or a ride on one of his fine horses. 
The belles were delighted with the attentions of such a fashion- 
able gentleman, and struck with astonishment at his learned dis- 
tinctions between wrought scissors and those of cast-steel ; 
together with his profound dissertations on buttons and horse 
flesh. The rich merchants courted his acquaintance because he 
was an Englishman, and their wives treated him with great de- 
ference because he had come from beyond seas . I cannot help 
here observing that your salt water is a marvellous great sharp 
ener of men's wits, and I intend to recommend it to some of my 
acquaintance in a particular essay. 

Straddle continued his brilliant career for only a short time. 
His prosperous journey over the turnpike of fashion was checked 
by some of those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspiring youth, 
called creditors, or duns — a race of people who, as a celebrated 
writer observes, " are hated by gods and men." Consignments 
slackened, whispers of distant suspicion floated in the dark, 
and those pests of society, the tailors and shoemakers, rose in 
rebellion against Straddle. In vain were all his remonstrances, 
in vain did he prove to them that though he had given them no 
money, yet he had given them more custom, and as many pro- 
mises as any young man in the city. They were inflexible, and 
the signal of danger being given, a host of other prosecutors 
pounced upon his back. Straddle saw there was but one way fcr 
it ; he determined to do the thing genteelly, to go to smash like 



236 SALMAGUNDI. 

a hero, and dashed into the limits in high style, being the fif- 
teenth gentleman I have known to drive tandem to the — ne plus 

ultra — the d 1. 

Unfortunate Straddle ! May thy fate be a warning to all 
young gentlemen who come out from Birmingham to astonish the 
natives ! I should never have taken the trouble to delineate his 
character had he not been a genuine cockney, and worthy to be 
the representative of his numerous tribe. Perhaps my simple 
countrymen may hereafter be able to distinguish between the 
real English gentleman, and individuals of the cast I have here- 
tofore spoken of, as mere mongrels, springing at one bound from 
contemptible obscurity at home to daylight and splendor in this 
good-natured land. The true-born and true-bred English gentle- 
man is a character I hold in great respect ; and I love to look 
back to the period when our forefathers flourished in the same 
generous soil, and hailed each other as brothers. But the cock- 
ney ! — when I contemplate him as springing, too, from the same 
source, I feel ashamed of the relationship, and am tempted to 
deny my origin. In the character of Straddle is traced the com- 
plete outline of a true cockney, of English growth, and a descen- 
dant of that individual facetious character mentioned by Shak- 
speare, " who, in pure kindness to his horse, buttered his hay? * 

* An amusing verification of the fidelity of the character of Tom Strad- 
dle, to the type of the Brummagem tourist, is afforded in an anecdote 
related in a Memoir of Irving, prefixed to the Paris edition of his works. 
" Some years ago," it reads, " a man who was prosecuted in Jamaica for 
a libellous publication, produced a volume of ' Salmagundi ' on his trial. 
This publication, it appeared, had been copied literally, word for word, 
from the character of Tom Straddle, printed, sold, sent abroad, mischiev- 
ously enough, to be sure, while one of those English travellers, whom 
Irving had so delightfully hit off, was in Jamaica, exploring and astonish- 
ing the natives." 



A TOUR IN BROADWAY. 237 



THE STEANGEE AT HOME; OE, A TOUR IN BROADWAY. 



BY JEEEMT COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 



YOUR learned traveller begins his travels at the commence- 
ment of his jonrney ; others begin theirs at the end ; and 
a third class begin any how and anywhere, which I think is the 
true way. A late facetious writer begins what he calls a " Pic- 
ture of New York," with a particular description of Glen's Falls, 
from whence, with admirable dexterity, he makes a digression to 
the celebrated Mill Rock on Long Island ! Now, this is what 
I like ; and I intend, in my present tour, to digress as often and 
as long as I please. If, therefore, I choose to make a hop, skip, 
and jump to China, or New Holland, or Terra Incognita, or 
Communipaw, I can produce a host of examples to justify me, 
even in books that have been praised by the English reviewers, 
whose fiat being all that is necessary to give books a currency 
in this country, I am determined, as soon as I finish my edition 
of travels in seventy-five volumes, to transmit it forthwith to 
them for judgment. If these trans-Atlantic censors praise it, I 
have no fear of its success in this country, where their approba- 
tion gives, like the Tower stamp, a fictitious value, and makes 
tinsel and wampum pass current for classic gold. 

CHAPTER I. 

Battery — flag-staff kept by Louis Keaffee — Keaffee main- 
tains two spy-glasses by subscriptions — merchants pay two shil- 
lings a year to look through them at the signal poles on Staten 



238 SALMAGUNDI. 

Island — a very pleasant prospect ; but not so pleasant as that 
from the hill of Howth — quere, ever been there ? Young 
seniors go clown to the flag-staff to buy peanuts and beer, after 
the fatigue of their morning studies, and sometimes to play at 
ball, or some other innocent amusement — digression to the 
Olympic, and Isthmian games, with a description of the Isthmus 
of Corinth, and that of Darien : to conclude with a disserta- 
tion on the Indian custom of offering a whiff of tobacco smoke 
to their great spirit Areskou. — Return to the Battery — delight- 
ful place to indulge in the luxury of sentiment. How various 
are the mutations of this world ! but a few days, a few hours 
— at least not above two hundred years ago, and this spot was 
inhabited by a race of aborigines, who dwelt in bark huts, lived 
upon oysters and Indian corn, danced buffalo dances, and were 
lords " of the fowl and the brute ; but the spirit of time, and 
the spirit of brandy have swept them from their ancient inheri- 
tance : and as the white wave of the ocean, by its ever toiling 
assiduity, gains on the brown land, so the white man, by slow 
and sure degrees, has gained on the brown savage, and dispos- 
sessed him of the land of his forefathers. — Conjectures on the 
first peopling of America — different opinions on that subject, to 
the amount of near one hundred — opinion of Augustine Torniel 
— that they are the descendants of Shem and Japheth, who 
came by the way of Japan to America. — Juffridius Petre says 
they came from Frizeland. — mem. cold journey — Mons. Charron 
says they are descended from the Gauls — bitter enough — A. Mi- 
lius from the Celtas — Kircher from the Egyptians — L'Compte 
from the Phenicians — Lescarbort from the Canaanites, alias the 
Anthropophagi — Brerewood from Tartars — Grotius from the 
Norwegians — and Linkum Fidelius has written two folio volumes 
to prove that America was first of all peopled either by the anti- 



THE CTTSTOM-HOTJSE. 239 

podeans or the Cornish miners, who, he maintains, might easily 
have made a subterranean passage to this country, particularly 
the antipodeans, who, he asserts, can get along under ground as 
fast as moles — quere, which of these is in the right, or are they 
all wrong ? For my part, I don't see why America had not as 
good a right to be peopled at first, as any little contemptible 
country in Europe, or Asia; and I am determined to write a book 
at my first leisure, to prove that Noah was born here — and that 
so far is America from being indebted to any other country for 
inhabitants, that they were every one of them peopled by colo- 
nies from her ! — mem. Battery a very pleasant place to walk on 
a Sunday evening — not quite gentel though — everybody walks 
there, and a pleasure, however genuine, is spoiled by general 
participation — the fashionable ladies of New York turn up their 
noses if you ask them to walk on tbe Battery on Sunday — quere, 
have they scruples of conscience, or scruples of delicacy ? 
Neither — they have only scruples of gentility, which are quite 
different things. 

CHAPTER II. 

Custom-house* — origin of duties on merchandise — this place 
much frequented by merchants — and why ? — different classes of 
merchants — importers — a kind of nobility — wholesale merchants 
— have the privilege of going to the city assembly ! — Retail 
traders cannot go to the assembly. — Some curious speculations 
on the vast distinction betwixt selling tape by the piece or by 
the yard. — Wholesale merchants look down upon the retailers, 

* The old government-house facing Bowling Green, built for the Pre- 
sident of the United States, afterwards the residence of George Clinton 
and John Jav. 



240 SALMAGUNDI. 

who in return look down upon the green-grocers, who look down 
upon the market-women, who don't care a straw about any of 
them. — Origin of the distinctions of rank — Dr. Johnson once 
horribly puzzled to settle the point of precedence between a 
louse and a flea — good hint enough to humble purse-proud 
arrogance.— Custom-house partly used as a lodging-house for 
the pictures belonging to the Academy of Arts — couldn't afford 
the statues house-room, most of them in the cellar of the City 
Hall — poor place for the gods and goddesses — after Olympus.— 
Pensive reflections on the ups and downs of life — Apollo, and 
the rest of the set, used to cut a great figure in days of yore. — 
Mem. every dog has his day — sorry for Yenus though, poor 
wench, to be cooped up in a cellar with not a single grace to 
wait on her ! — Eulogy on the gentlemen of the Academy of Arts, 
for the great spirit with which they began the undertaking, and 
the perseverance with which they have pursued it — it is a pity, 
however, they began at the wrong end — maxim — If you want a 
bird and a cage, always buy the cage first — hem ! — a word to 
the wise ! 

CHAPTER III. 

Bowling Green — fine place for pasturing cows — a perquisite 
of the late corporation — formerly ornamented with a statue of 
George the Third — people pulled it down in the war to make bul- 
lets — great pity; it might, have been given to the academy — it 
would have become a cellar as well as any other. — Broadway — 
great difference in the gentility of streets — a man who resides 
in Pearl street, or Chatham Bow, derives no kind of dignity 
from his domicil ; but place him in a certain part of Broadway, 
anywhere between the Battery and Wall street, and he straight- 
way becomes entitled to figure in the beau monde, and strut as 



CATCH-POLES. 241 

a person of prodigious consequence ! — Quere, whether there is a 
degree of purity in the air of that quarter which changes the 
gross particles of vulgarity into gems of refinement and polish ? 
A question to be asked, but not to be answered — Xew brick 
church! — What a pity it is the corporation of Trinity church are 
so poor! — if they could not afford to build a better place of wor- 
ship, why did they not go about with a subscription ? — even I 
would have given them a few shillings rather than our city should 
have been disgraced by such a pitiful specimen of economy — 
Wall street — City Hall, famous place for catch-poles, deputy 
sheriffs, and young lawyers ; which last attend the courts, not 
because they have business there, but because they have no 
business anywhere else. My blood always curdles when I see a 
catch-pole, they being a species of vermin who feed and fatten on 
the common wretchedness of mankind, who trade in misery, and 
in becoming the executioners of the law, by their oppression and 
villainy, almost counterbalance all the benefits which are derived 
from its salutary regulations — Story of Quevedo about a catch- 
pole possessed by a devil, who,' on being interrogated, declared 
that he did not come there voluntarily, but by compulsion ; and 
that a decent devil would never of his own free will enter into 
the body of a catch-pole ; instead, therefore, of doing him the 
injustice to say that here was a catch-pole bedevilled, they should 
say, it was a devil be-catch-poled; that being in reality the truth 
— Wonder what has become of the old crier of the court, who 
used to make more noise in preserving silence than the audience 
did in breaking it — if a man happened to drop his cane, the old 
hero would sing out " silence !" in a voice that emulated the 
" wide mouthed thunder " — On inquiring, found he had retired 
from business to enjoy otium cum dignitate, as many a great man 
has done before. Strange that wise men, as they are thought, 

11 



242 SALMAGUNDI. 

should toil through a whole existence merely to enjoy a few 
moments of leisure at last ! why don't they begin to be easy at 
first, and not purchase a moment's pleasure with an age of 
pain ? — mem. posed some of the jockeys — eh ! 

CHAPTER IV. 

Barber's pole ; three different orders of shavers in New York 
— those who shave pigs; N.B. — freshmen and sophomores, — 
those who cut beards, and those who shave notes of hand ; the 
last are the most respectable, because, in the course of a year, 
they make make more money, and that honestly, than the whole 
corps of other shavers can do in half a century ; besides, it 
would puzzle a common barber to ruin any man, except by cut- 
ting his throat ; whereas your higher order of shavers, your true 
bloodsuckers of the community, seated snugly behind the cur- 
tain, in watch for prey, live on the vitals of the unfortunate, 
and grow rich on the ruin of thousands. Yet this last class of 
barbers are held in high respect in the world ; they never offend 
against the decencies of life, go often to church, look down on 
honest poverty walking on foot, and call themselves gentlemen ; 
yea, men of honor ! — Lottery offices — another set of capital 
shavers ! — licensed gambling houses ! good things enough, as 
they enable a few honest industrious gentlemen to humbug the 
people — according to law ; besides, if the people will be such 
fools, whose fault is it but their own if they get bit ? — Messrs. 
Paff — beg pardon for putting them in such bad company, because 
they are a couple of fine fellows — mem. to recommend Michael's 
antique snuff-box to all amateurs in the art. — Eagle singing Yan- 
kee-doodle — N.B. — Buffon, Pennant and the rest of the natural- 
ists, all naturals not to know the eagle was a singing bird ; 



DRY GOODS STORKS. 243 

Linkum Fidelius knew better, and gives a long description of a 
bald eagle that serenaded him once in Canada ; — digression ; 
particular account of the Canadian Indians ; — story about 
Areskou learning to make fishing nets of a spider — don't believe 
it, though, because, according to Linkum, and many other 
learned authorities, Areskou is the same as Mars, being derived 
from his Greek name of Ares ; and if so, he knew well enough 
what a net was without consulting a -spider; — story of Arachne 
being changed into a spider as a reward for having hanged her- 
self ; — derivation of the word spinster from spider ; — Colophon, 
now Altobosco, the birthplace of Arachne, remarkable for a 
famous breed of spiders to this day ; — mem. nothing like a 
little scholarship — make the ignoramus, viz. the majority jof my 
readers, stare like wild pigeons ; — return to New York a short 
cut — meet a dashing belle, in a little thick white veil — tried to 
get a peep at her face — saw she squinted a little — thought so at 
first ; — never saw a face covered with a veil that was worth 
looking at ; — saw some ladies holding a conversation across the 
street about going to church next Sunday — talked so loud they 
frightened a cartman's horse, who ran away, and over set a bas- 
ket of gingerbread with a little boy under it ; mem. I don't 
much see the use of speaking-trumpets now-a-days. 

chapter v. 

Bought a pair of gloves; dry-goods stores the genuine schools 
of politeness — true Parisian manners there — got a pair of gloves 
and a pistareen's worth of bows for a dollar — dog cheap ! — 
Courtlandt street corner — famous place to see the belles go by 
— quere, ever been shopping with a lady ? — some account of it 
— ladies go into all the shops in the city to buy a pair of gloves 



244: SALMAGUNDI. 

: — good way of spending time, if they have nothing else to do. 
— Oswego Market— looks very much like a triumphal arch — 
some account of the manner of erecting them in ancient times ; 
digression to the arch-duke Charles, and some account of the an- 
cient Germans. 1SLB. — quote Tacitus on this subject. — Particu- 
lar description of market-baskets, butchers' blocks, and wheelbar- 
rows ; — mem. queer things run upon one wheel ! — Saw a cart- 
man driving full tilt through Broadway — run over a child — 
good enough for it — what business had it to be in the way ? — 
Hint concerning the laws against pigs, goats, dogs, and cartmen 
— grand apostrophe to the sublime science of jurisprudence ; — 
comparison between legislators and tinkers ; quere, whether it 
requires greater ability to mend a law than to mend a kettle ? 
— injury into the utility of making laws that are broken a hun- 
dred times in a day with impunity ; — my Lord Coke's opinion 
on the subject ; my Lord a very great man — so was Lord 
Bacon : a good story about a criminal named Hog claiming 
relationship with him. — Hogg's porter-house ; — a great haunt 
of Will Wizard ; Will put down there one night by a sea-cap- 
tain, in an argument concerning the era of the Chinese empire 
Whangpo ; — Hogg's a capital place for hearing the same stories, 
the same jokes, and the same songs every night in the year — 
mem. except Sunday nights ; fine school for young politicians 
too — some of the longest and thickest heads in the city come 
there to settle the nation. — Scheme of Ichabod Fungus to res- 
tore the balance of Europe ; — digression ; — some account of 
the balance of Europe ; comparison between it and a pair of 
scales, with the Emperor Alexander in one and the Emperor 
Napoleon in the other : fine fellows — both of a weight, can't 
tell which will kick the beam : — mem. don't care much either — 
nothing to me : — Ichabod very unhappy about it — thinks Napo- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 245 

leon lias an eye on this country — capital place to pasture his 
horses, and provide for the rest of his family. — Dey street — 
ancient Dutch name of it, signifying murderers' valley, formerly 
the site of a great peach orchard ; my grandmother's history of 
the famous Peach war — arose from an Indian stealing peaches 
out of this orchard ; good cause as need be for a war ; just as 
good as the balance of power. Anecdote of war between two 
Italian states about a bucket ; introduce some capital new 
truisms about the folly of mankind, the ambition of kings, 
potentates, and princes ; particularly Alexander, Caesar, Charles 
the Xllth, Napoleon, little King Pepin, and the great Charle- 
magne. — Conclude with an exhortation to the present race of sove- 
reigns to keep the king's peace, and abstain from all those deadly 
quarrels which "produce battle, murder, and sudden death: — mem. 
— ran my nose against a lamp-post — conclude in great dudgeon. 



FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. 

OUR cousin Pindar, after having been confined for some 
time past with a fit of the gout, which is a kind of keep- 
sake in our family, has again set his mill going, as my readers 
will perceive. On reading his piece I could not help smiling at 
the high compliments which, contrary to his usual style, he has 
lavished on the dear sex. The old gentleman, unfortunately 
observing my merriment, stumped out of the room with great 
vociferation of crutch, and has not exchanged three words with 
me since. I expect every hour to hear that he has packed up 
his movables, and, as usual in all cases of disgust, retreated to 
his old country-house. 



246 SALMAGUNDI. 

Pindar, like most of the old Cockloft heroes, is wonderfully 
susceptible to the genial influence of warm weather. In winter 
he is one of the most crusty old bachelors under heaven, and is 
wickedly addicted to sarcastic reflections of every kind, particu- 
larly on the little enchanting foibles and whim-whams of women. 
But when the spring comes on, and the mild influence of the 
sun releases nature from her icy fetters, the ice of his bosom 
dissolves into a gentle current which reflects the bewitching 
qualities of the fair ; as in some mild, clear evening, when 
nature reposes in silence, the stream bears in its pure bosom all 
the starry magnificence of heaven. It is under the control of 
this influence he has written his piece ; and I beg the ladies, in 
the plenitude of their harmless conceit, not to flatter them- 
selves that because the good Pindar has suffered them to escape 
his censures he had nothing more to censure. It is but sunshine 
and zephyrs which have wrought this wonderful change ; and I 
am much mistaken if the first northeaster don't convert all his 
good nature into most exquisite spleen. 



PROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

HOW often I cast my reflections behind, 
And call up the days of past youth to my mind, 
"When folly assails in habiliments new, 
When fashion obtrudes some fresh whim- wham to view; 
When the foplings of fashion bedazzle my sight, 
Bewilder my feelings — my senses benight ; 
I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day, 
To commune with the world that has mouldered away; 



RETROSPECT. 247 

To converse with the shades of those friends of my love, 
Long gather'd in peace to the angels above. 

In my rambles through life should I meet with annoy, 
From the bold, beardless stripling — the turbid pert boy — 
One reared in the mode lately reckon'd genteel, 
Which, neglecting the head, aims to perfect the heel ; 
"Which completes the sweet fopling while yet in his teens, 
And fits him for fashion's light changeable scenes ; 
Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, 
Can he dance a cotillon or smoke a segar ; 
And though brainless and vapid as vapid can be, 
To routs and to parties pronounces him free : — 
Oh, I think on the beaux that existed of yore, 
On those rules of the ton that exist now no more ! 

I recall with delight how each yonker at first 
In the cradle of science and virtue was nursed : 
— How the graces of person and graces of mind, 
The polish of learning and fashion combined, 
Till softened in manners and strengthened in head, 
By the classical lore of the living and dead, 
Matured in his person till manly in size, 
He then was presented a beau to our eyes ! 

My nieces of late have made frequent complaint 
That they suffer vexation and painful constraint, 
By having their circles too often distrest 
By some three or four goslings just fledged from the nest, 
Who, propp'd by the credit their fathers sustain, 
Alike tender in years and in person and brain, 
But plenteously stock'd with that substitute, brass, 
For true wits and critics would anxiously pass. 
They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, 



248 SALMAGUNDI. 

So common to all the coxcombical gang, 

Who the fair with their shallow experience vex, 

By thrumming forever their weakness of sex ; 

And who boast of themselves, when they talk with proud air, 

Of Man's mental ascendency over the fair. 

? Twas thus the young owlet produced in the nest, 
Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had prest, 
Pretended to boast of his royal descent, 
And vaunted that force which to eagles is lent. 
Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray, 
The cheering delights and the brilliance of day ; 
To forsake the fair regions of aether and light, 
For dull moping caverns of darkness and night : 
Still talk'd of that eagle-like strength of the eye, 
Which approaches unwinking the pride of the sky, 
Of that wing which unwearied can hover and play 
In the noon-tide effulgence and torrent of day. 

Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain 
Your sex must endure from the feeble and vain, 
Tis the common-place jest of the nursery scape-goat, 
'Tis the common-place ballad that croaks from his throat ; 
He knows not that nature — that polish decrees, 
That women should always endeavor to please : 
That the law of their system has early imprest 
The importance of fitting themselves to each guest ; 
And, of course, that full oft when ye trifle and play, 
'Tis, to gratify triflers who strut in your way. 
The child might as well of its mother complain, 
As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain ; 
Because that, at times, while it hangs on her breast, 
She with a " lulla-by-baby " beguiles it to rest. 



COMPLIMENTARY. 249 

'Tis its weakness of mind that induces the strain, 
For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain. 

'Tis true at odd times when in frolicsome fit, 
In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit 
May start some light foible that clings t© the fair 
Like cobwebs that fasten to objects most rare, — 
In the play of his fancy will sportively say 
Some delicate censure that pops in his way. 
He may smile at your fashions, and frankly express 
His dislike of a dance or a flaming red dress ; 
Yet he blames not your want of man's physical force, 
Nor complains though ye cannot in Latin discourse. 
He delights in the language of nature ye speak, 
Though not so refined as true classic Greek. 
He remembers that providence never design'd 
Our females like suns to bewilder and blind ; 
But like the mild orb of pale ev'ning serene, 
"Whose radiance illumines, yet softens the scene, 
To light us with cheering and welcoming ray, 
Along the rude path when the sun is away. 

I own in my scribblings I lately have nam'd 
Some faults of our fair which I gently have blam'd, 
But be it forever by all understood, 
My censures were only pronounc'd for their good. 
I delight in the sex ; 'tis the pride of my mind. 
To consider them gentle, endearing, refin'd ; 
As our solace below, in the journey of life, 
To smooth its rough passes — to soften its strife : 
As objects intended our joys to supply, 
And to lead us in love to the temples on high. 
How oft have I felt, when two lucid blue eyes, 

11* 



250 * SALMAGUNDI. 

As calm and as bright as the gems of the skies, 
Have beam'd "their soft radiance into my soul, 
Impress'd with an awe like an angel's control ! 

Yes, fair ones, by this is forever defin'd 
The fop from the *man of refinement and mind ; 
The latter believes ye in bounty were given 
As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven ; 
And if ye are weak, and are frail in his view 
'Tis to call forth fresh warmth and his fondness renew. 
Tis his joy to support these defects of your frame, 
And his love at your weakness redoubles its flame ; 
He rejoices the gem is so rich and so fair, 
And is proud that it claims his protection and care. 



WILL WIZARD. 251 



NO. XIIL— FKIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I WAS not a little perplexed, a short time since, by the 
eccentric conduct of my knowing coadjutor Will Wizard. 
For two or three days, he was completely in a quandary. He 
would come into old Cockloft's parlor ten times a day, swing- 
ing his ponderous legs along, Vith his usual vast strides, clap 
his hands into his sides, contemplate the little shepherdesses on 
the mantel-piece for a few minutes, whistling all the while, and 
then sally out full sweep, without uttering a word. To be sure 
a pish or a pshaw occasionally escaped him ; and he was 
observed once to pull out his enormous tobacco-box, drum for a 
moment upon its lid with his knuckles, and then return it into 
his pocket without taking a quid. 'Twas evident Will was full 
of some mighty idea : — not that his restlessness was any way 
uncommon ; for I have often seen Will throw himself almost in 
a fever of heat and fatigue — doing nothing. But this inflexible 
taciturnity set the whole family, as usual, a wondering : as Will 
seldom enters the house without giving one of his " one thousand 
and one " stories. For my part, I began to think that the late 
fracas at Canton had alarmed Will for the safety of his friends, 
Kinglun, Chinqua, and Consequa ; or, that something had gone 
wrong in the alterations of the theatre — or that some new out- 
rage at Norfolk had put him in a worry ; in short, I did not 



252 SALMAGUNDI. 

know what to think ; for Will is »uch a universal busybody, 
and meddles so much in everything going forward, that you 
might as well attempt to conjecture what is going on in the 
north star, as in his precious pericranium. Even Mrs. Cockloft 
who, like a worthy woman as she is, seldom troubles herself 
about anything in this world — saving the affairs of her house- 
hold, and the correct deportment of her female friends — was 
struck with the mystery of Will's behavior. She happened, 
when he came in and went out the tenth time, to be busy darn- 
ing the bottom of one of the old red damask chairs ; and not- 
withstanding this is to her an affair of vast importance, yet she 
could not help turning round and exclaiming, " I wonder what 
can be the matter with Mr. Wizard ?" " Nothing," replied old 
Christopher, " only we shall ha?e an eruption soon." The old 
lady did not understand a word of this, neither did she care ; 
she had expressed her wonder ; and that, with her, is always 
sufficient. 

I am so well acquainted with Will's peculiarities that I can 
tell, even by his whistle, when he is about an essay for our paper, 
as certainly as a weather wisacre knows that it is going to rain 
when he sees a pig run squeaking about with his nose in the 
wind. I, therefore, laid my account with receiving a communi- 
cation from him before long ; and sure enough, the evening 
before last I distinguished his free-mason knock at my door. I 
have seen many wise men. in my time, philosophers, mathema- 
ticians, astronomers, politicians, editors, and almanac-makers ; 
but never did I see a man look half so wise as did my friend 
Wizard on entering the room. Had Lavater beheld him at that 
moment, he would have set him down, to a certainty, as a fel- 
low who had just discovered the longitude or the philosopher's 
stone. 



A MANUSCRIPT. 253 

Without saying a word, lie handed me a roll of paper ; after 
which he lighted his cigar, sat down, crossed his legs, folded his 
arms, and elevating his nose to an angle of about forty-five 
degrees, began to smoke like a steam engine — Will delights in 
the picturesque. On opening his budget, and perceiving the motto, 
it struck me that Will had brought me one of his confounded 
Chinese manuscripts, and I was forthwith going to dismiss it with 
indignation ; but accidentally seeing the- name of our oracle, the 
sage Linkum, of whose inestimable folios we pride ourselves upon 
being the sole possessors, I began to think the better of it, and 
looked round to Will to express approbation. I shall never 
forget the figure he cut at that moment ! He had watched my 
countenance, on opening his manuscript, with the Argus eyes of 
an author ; and perceiving some tokens of disapprobation, 
began, according to custom, to puff away at his cigar, with such 
vigor that in a few minutes he had entirely involved himself in 
smoke, except his nose and one foot, which were just visible, 
the latter wagging with great velocity. I believe I have hinted 
before — at least I ought to have done so — that Will's nose is a 
very goodly nose ; to which it may be as well to add, that, in 
his voyages under the tropics, it has acquired a copper complex- 
ion, which renders it very brilliant and luminous. You may 
imagine what a sumptuous appearance it made, projecting 
boldly, like the celebrated jpromontorium nasidium at Samos, 
with a light-house upon it, and surrounded on all sides with 
smoke and vapor. Had my gravity been like the Chinese phi- 
losopher's " within one degree of absolute frigidity," here would 
have been a trial for it. I could not stand it, but burst into 
such a laugh as I do not indulge in above once in a hundred 
years. This was too much for Will ; he emerged from his 
cloud, threw his cigar into the fire-place, and strode out of the 



2 5 4: SALMAGUNDI. 

room pulling up his breeches, muttering something which, I 
verily believe, was nothing more than a horrible, long Chinese 
malediction. 

He however left his manuscript behind him, which I now give 
to the world. Whether he is serious on the occasion, or only 
bantering, no one, I believe, can tell ; for, whether in speaking 
or writing, there is such an invincible gravity in his demeanor 
and style, that even I, who have studied him as closely as an 
antiquarian studies an old manuscript or inscription, am fre- 
qently at a loss to know what the rogue would be at. I have 
seen him indulge in his favorite amusement of quizzing for hours 
together, without any one having the least suspicion of the 
matter, until he would suddenly twist his phiz into an expres- 
sion that baffles all description, thrust his tongue in his cheek 
and blow up in a laugh almost as loud as the shout of the 
Romans on a certain occasion ; which honest Plutarch avers 
frightened several crows to such a degree that they fell down 
stone dead into the Campus Martius. Jeremy Cockloft the 
younger, who, like a true modern philosopher, delights in experi- 
ments that are of no kind of use, took the trouble to measure 
one of Will's risible explosions, and declared to me that, accord- 
ing to accurate measurement, it contained thirty feet square 
of solid laughter. What will the professors say to this ? 



HARBOR DEFENCES. 255 



PLANS FOR- DEFENDING OUR HARBOR. 

BY WILLIAM WIZAKD, *ESQ. 

Long-fong teko buzz tor-pe-do, 

Fudge confuciu3. 

"We'll blow the villains all sky-high ; 

But do it with econo— — my. link. fid. 

SURELY never was a town more subject to midsummer fan- 
cies and dog-day whim-whams, than this* most excellent of 
cities ; our notions, like our diseases, seem all epidemic ; and 
no sooner does a new disorder or a new freak seize one 
individual but it is sure to run through all the community. 
This is particularly the case when the summer is at the 
hottest, and everybody's head is in a vertigo and his brain in a 
ferment ; 'tis absolutely necessary then, the poor souls should 
have some bubble to amuse themselves with, or they would cer- 
tainly run mad. Last year the poplar worm made its appear- 
ance most fortunately for our citizens ; and everybody was so 
much in horror of being poisoned, and devoured, and so busied 
in making humane experiments on cats and dogs, that we got 
through the summer quite comfortably ; the cats had the worst 
of it ; every mouser of them was shaved, and there was not a 
whisker to be seen in the whole sisterhood. This summer 
everybody has had full employment in planning fortifications 
for our harbor. Not a cobbler or tailor in the city but has left 
his awl and his thimble, become an engineer outright, and 
aspired most magnanimously to the building of forts and the 
destruction of navies ! Heavens ! as my friend Mustapha 
would say, on what a great scale is everything in this country ! 
Among the various plans that have been offered, the most 



256 SALMAGUNDI. 

conspicuous is one devised and exhibited, as I am informed, by 
that notable confederacy, the North River Society. 

Anxious to redeem their reputation from the foul suspicions 
that have for a long time overclouded it, these aquatic incendia- 
ries have come forward, at the present alarming juncture, and 
announced a most potent discovery which is to guarantee our 
port from the visits of any foreign marauders. The Society have, 
it seems, invented a cunning machine, shrewdly yclept a Tor- 
pedo* by which the stoutest line of battle ship, even a Santi 
sima, Trinidada, may be caught napping and decomposed in a 
twinkling ; a kind of sub-marine powder-magazine to swim under 
water, like an aquatic mole, or water rat, and destroy the enemy 
in the moments of unsuspicious security. 

This straw tickled the noses of all our dignitaries wonder- 
fully ; for to do our government justice, it has no objection to 
injuring and exterminating its enemies in any manner — provided 
the thing can be done economically. 

It was determined tha experiment should be tried, and an 

* The allusion is here evidently to the experiment made by Fulton in 
New York harbor, on the 20th of July, 1807, shortly after his return 
from Europe, bringing with him the favorite plans of " torpedo warfare," 
as he called it, which he had laid before the governments of France and 
England. An old brig was, after some delay, blown up in the bay by 
one of Fulton's charged canisters. The affair, with Fulton's appeal to the 
Government, his previous lecture on Governor's Island to the magistracy 
of the city, when the audience was somewhat diminished on the produc- 
tion of one of the loaded torpedoes, with his declaration that it contained 
a hundred and seventy pounds of powder, and that if he were to suffer 
the clock-work to run fifteen minutes, he had no doubt it would blow the 
fortification to atoms — all this, with his letter to the Corporation the 
day after his successful experiment, was well calculated to produce the 
stir in the city so pleasantly set forth in this paper of Salmagundi. 



INFEKNAL MACHINES. 257 

old brig was purchased, for not more than twice its valne, and 
delivered over into the hands of its tormentors, the North River 
Society, to be tortured, and battered, and annihilated, secundum 
artem. A day was appointed for the occasion, when all the 
good citizens of the wonder-loving city of Gotham were invited 
to the blowing-up ; like the fat inn-keeper in Rabelais, who 
requested all his customers to come on a certain day and see him 
burst. 

As I have almost as great a veneration as the good Mr. 
Walter Shandy for all kinds of experiments that are ingeniously 
ridiculous, I made very particular mention of the one in question 
at the table of my friend Christopher Cockloft ; but it put the 
honest old gentleman in a violent passion. He condemned it in 
toto as attempt to introduce a dastardly and exterminating 
mode of warfare. " Already have we proceeded far enough," said 
he, " in the science of destruction ; war is already invested with 
sufficient horrors and calamities. Let us not increase the cata- 
logue ; let us not, by these deadly artifices, provoke a system of 
insidious and indiscriminate hostility, that shall terminate in lay- 
ing our cities desolate, and exposing our women, our children, 
and our infirm, to the sword of pitiless recrimination." Honest 
old cavalier ! — it was evident he did not reason as a true poli- 
tician — but he felt as a Christian and philanthropist ; and that 
was perhaps just as well. 

It may be readily supposed, that our citizens did not refuse 
the invitation of the Society to the blow-up ; it was the first 
naval action ever exhibited in our port, and the good people all 
crowded to see the British navy blown up in effigy. The young 
ladies were delighted with the novelty of the show, and declared 
that if war could be conducted in this manner, it would become 
a fashionable amusement ; and the destruction of a fleet be as 



258 SALMAGUNDI. 

pleasant as a ball or a tea-party. The old folk were equally 
pleased with the spectacle — because it cost them nothing. 
Dear souls, how hard was it they should be disappointed ! the 
brig most obstinately refused to be decomposed ; the dinners 
were cold, and the puddings were overboiled, throughout the 
renowned city of Gotham ; and its sapient inhabitants, like the 
honest Strasburghers, from whom most of them are doubtless 
descended, who went out to see the courteous stranger and his 
nose, all returned home after having threatened to pull down the 
flag-staff by way of taking satisfaction for their disappointment. 
By the way, there is not an animal in the world more discrimi- 
nating in its vengeance than a free-born mob. 

In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's, to smoke a 
sociable cigar, but had scarcely entered the room when I was 
taken prisoner by my friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus ; who I soon 
saw was at his usual trade of prying into mill-stones. The old 
gentleman informed me that the brig had actually blown up, 
after a world of maneuvering, and had nearly blown up the 
society with it ; he seemed to entertain strong doubts as to the 
objects of the Society in the invention of these infernal machines. 
— hinted a suspicion of their wishing to set the river on fire 
and that he should not be surprised on waking one of these 
mornings to find the Hudson in a blaze. "Not that I dis- 
approve of the plan," said he, " provided it has the end in view 
which they profess ; no, no, an excellent plan of defence ; no 
need of batteries, forts, frigates, and gun-boats ; observe, sir, all- 
that's necessary is that the ships must come to anchor in a con- 
venient place ; watch must be asleep, or so complacent as not 
to disturb any boats paddling about them — fair wind and tide 
— no moonlight — machines well-directed^mustn't flash in the 
pan — bang's the word, and the vessel's blown up in a moment!" 



SHREWD DEVICES. 259 

" Good," said I, " you remind me of a lubberly Chinese who was 
flogged by an honest captain of my acquaintance, and who, on 
being advised to retaliate, exclaimed : ' Hi yah ! s'pose two 
men hold fast him captain, den very mush me bamboo he V " 

The old gentleman grew a little crusty, and insisted that I 
did not understand him ; all that was requisite to render the 
effect certain was, that the enemy should enter into the project; 
or, in other words, be agreeable to the measure ; so that if the 
machine did not come to the ship, the ship should go to the 
machine ; by which means he thought the success of the machine 
would be inevitable — provided it struck fire. ■■' But do not 
you think," said I, doubtingly, " that it would be rather difficult 
to persuade the enemy into such an agreement ? Some people 
have an invincible antipathy to being blown up." " Not at all, 
not at all," replied he, triumphantly • "got- an excellent notion 
for that ; do with them as we have done with the brig — buy all 
the vessels we mean to destroy, and blow 'em up as best suits 
our convenience. I have thought deeply on that subject, and 
have calculated to a certainty that if our funds hold out we may 
in this way destroy the whole British navy — by contract." 

By this time all the quidnuncs of the room had gathered 
around us, each pregnant with some mighty scheme for the 
salvation of his country. One pathetically lamented that we 
had no such men among us as the famous Toujoursdort and 
Grossitout ; who, when the celebrated Captain Trenchement 
made war against the city of Kalacahabalaba, utterly disconi- 
comfited the great king, Bigstaff, and blew up his whole army 
by sneezing. Another imparted a sage idea, which seems to 
have occupied more heads than one ; that is, that the best way 
of fortifying the harbor was to ruin it at Once — choke the chan- 
nel with rocks and blocks ; strew it with ckevaux-de-frise and 



260 SALMAGUNDI. 

torpedoes, and make it like a nursery-garden, full of men-traps 
and spring-guns. No vessel would then have the temerity to 
enter our harbor ; we should not even dare to navigate it our- 
selves. Or, if no cheaper way could be devised, let Governor's 
Island be raised by levers and pulleys — floated with empty 
casks, etc., towed down to the Narrows, and dropped plump in 
the very mouth of the harbor ! " But," said I, " would not the 
prosecution of these whim-whams be rather expensive and dila- 
tory ?" " Pshaw!" cried the other, " what's a million of money 
to an experiment ? The true spirit of our economy requires 
that we should spare no expense in discovering the cheapest 
mode of defending ourselves ; and then if all these modes should 
fail, why, you know the worst we have to do is to return to the 
old-fashioned hum-drum mode of forts and batteries." " By 
which time," cried I, "the arrival of the enemy may have ren- 
dered their erection superfluous." 

A shrewd old gentleman who stood listening by, with a mis- 
chievously equivocal look, observed that the most effectual mode 
of repulsing a fleet from our ports would be to administer them 
a proclamation from time to time, till it operated. 

Unwilling to leave the company without demonstrating my 
patriotism and ingenuity, I communicated a plan of defence ; 
which, in truth, was suggested long since by that infallible 
oracle, Mustapha, who had as clear a head for cobweb weaving 
as ever dignified the shoulders of a projector. He thought the 
most effectual mode would be to assemble all the slang-vihangers, 
great and small, from all parts of the State, and marshal them 
at the Battery, where they should be exposed point-blank to the 
enemy, and form a tremendous body of scolding infantry, similar 
to the poissards, or doughty champions of Billingsgate. They 
should be exhorted to fire away without pity or remorse, in 



INFLAMMATORY PROJECTORS. 261 

sheets, half-sheets, columns, handbills, or squibs ; great cannon, 
little cannon, pica, German text, stereotype, and to run their 
enemies through and through with sharp-pointed italics. They 
should have orders to show no quarter — to blaze away in their 
loudest epithets — "miscreants!" "murderers!" "barbarians!" 
pirates !" " robbers !" " Blackguards !" and to do away all fear 
of consequences, they should be guaranteed from all dangers 
of pillory, kicking, cuffing, nose-pulling, whipping-post, or prose- 
cution for libels. If, continued Mustapha, you wish men to fight 
well and valiantly, they must be allowed those weapons they 
have been used to handle. Your countrymen are notoriously 
adroit in the management of the tongue and the pen, and con- 
duct all their battles by speeches or newspapers. Adopt, there- 
fore, the plan I have pointed out ; and rely upon it that, let 
any fleet, however large, be but once assailed by this battery 
of slang-whangers, and if they have not entirely lost the sense 
of hearing, or a regard for their own characters and feelings, 
they will, at the very first fire, slip their cables, and retreat 
with as much precipitation as if they had unwarily entered into 
the atmosphere of the Bohan upas. In this manner may your 
wars be conducted with proper economy ; and it will cost no 
more to drive off a fleet than to write up a party, or write 
down a bashaw with three tails. 

The sly old gentleman I have before mentioned, was highly 
delighted with this plan ; and proposed, as an improvement, that 
mortars should be placed on the Battery, which, instead of throw- 
ing shells and such trifles, might be charged with newspapers, 
Tammany addresses, etc., by way of red-hot shot, which would 
undoubtedly be very potent in blowing up any powder magazine 
they might chance to come in contact with. He concluded by 
informing the company, that in the course of a few evenings he 



262 SALMAGUNDI. 

would have the honor to present them with a scheme for load- 
ing certain vessels with newspapers, resolutions of " numerous 
and respectable meetings," and other combustibles, which vessels 
were to be blown directly in the midst of the enemy by the bel- 
lows of the slang-whangers ; and he was much mistaken if they 
would not be more fatal than fireships, bomb-ketches, gunboats, 
or even torpedoes. 

These are but two or three specimens of the nature and effi- 
cacy of the innumerable plans with which this city abounds. 
Everybody seems charged to the muzzle with gunpowder — every 
eye flashes fireworks and torpedoes — and every corner is occu- 
pied by knots of inflammatory projectors, not one of whom but 
has some preposterous mode of destruction, which he has 
proved to be infallible by a previous experiment in a tub of 
water ! 

Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the infection, to the great 
annoyance of the inhabitants of Cockloft Hall, whither he 
retired to make his experiments undisturbed. At one time all 
the mirrors in the house were unhung — their collected rays 
thrown into the hot-house, to try Archimedes' plan of burning- 
glasses ; and the honest old gardener was almost knocked down 
by what he mistook for a stroke of the sun, but which turned 
out to be nothing more than a sudden attack of one of these tre- 
mendous jack-o'-lanterns. It became dangerous to walk through 
the courtyard for fear of an explosion ; and the whole family 
was throwninto absolute distress and consternation, by a letter 
from the old housekeeper to Mrs. Cockloft, informing her of 
his having blown up a favorite Chinese gander, which X, had 
brought from Canton, as he was majestically sailing in the duck- 
pond. 

"In the multitude of counsellors there is safety ;" if so, the 



A PROJECTOR. 263 

defenceless city of Gotham has nothing to apprehend ; but much 
do I fear that so many excellent and infallible projects will be 
presented, that we shall be at a loss which to adopt ; and the 
peaceable inhabitants fare like a famous projector of my acquaint- 
ance, whose house was unfortunately plundered while he was 
contriving a patent lock to secure his door, 



264 SALMAGUNDI. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

a retrospect; or, "what you will." 

LOLLING- in my elbow-chair this fine summer noon, I feel 
myself insensibly yielding to that genial feeling of indo- 
lence the season is so well fitted to inspire. Every one who is 
blessed with a little of the delicious languor of disposition that 
delights in repose, must often have sported among the fairy 
scenes, the golden visions, the voluptuous reveries, that swim 
before the imagination at such moments, and which so much 
resemble those blissful sensations a Mussulman enjoys after his 
favorite indulgence of opium, which Will Wizard declares can 
be compared to nothing but "swimming in an ocean of peacocks' 
feathers." In such a mood everybody must be sensible it would 
be idle and unprofitable for a man to send his wits a gadding on 
a voyage of discovery into futurity, or even to trouble himself 
with a laborious investigation of what is actually passing under 
his eye. We are, at such times, more disposed to resort to the 
pleasures of memory than to those of the imagination ; and like 
the wayfaring traveller, reclining for a moment on his staff, had 
rather contemplate the ground we have travelled, than the 
region which is yet before us. 

I could here amuse myself, and stultify my readers, with a 
most elaborate and ingenious parallel between authors and tra- 
vellers ; but in this balmy season, which makes men stupid and 
dogs mad, and when, doubtless, many of our most strenuous 
admirers have great difficulty in keeping awake through the day, 
it would be cruel to saddle them with the formidable difficulty 
of putting two ideas together and drawing a conclusion, or, in 



A RETROSPECT. 265 

the learned phrase, forging syllogisms in Baroco — a terrible un- 
dertaking for the dogdays ! To say the truth, my observations 
were only intended to prove that this, of all others, is the most 
auspicious moment, and my present, the most favorable mood 
for indulging in a retrospect. Whether, like certain great per- 
sonages of the day, in attempting to prove one thing, I have 
exposed another ; or whether, like certain other great person- 
ages, in attemping to prove a great deal, I have proved nothing 
at all, I leave to my readers to decide, provided they have the 
power and inclination so to do ; but a retrospect will I take, 
notwithstanding. 

I am perfectly aware that in doing this I shall lay myself 
open to the charge of imitation, than which a man might be 
better accused of downright housebreaking ; for it has been a 
standing rule with many of my illustrious predecessors, occa- 
sionally, and particularly at the conclusion of a volume, to look 
over their shoulder and chuckle at the miracles they had 
achieved. But, as I before professed, I am determined to hold 
myself entirely independent of all manner of opinions and cri- 
ticisms, as the only method of getting on in this world in any- 
thing like a straight line. True it is, I may sometimes seem to 
angle a little for the good opinion of mankind, by giving them 
some excellent reasons for doing unreasonable things ; but this 
is merely to show them, that although I may occasionally go 
wrong, it is not for want of knowing how to go right ; and here 
I will lay down a maxim, which will forever entitle me to the 
gratitude of my inexperienced readers, namely, that a man 
always gets more credit in the eyes of this naughty world for 
sinning willfully than for sinning through sheer ignorance. 

It will doubtless be- insisted by many ingenious cavillers, who 
will be meddling with what does not at all concern them, that 

12 



266 SALMAGUNDI. 

this retrospect should have been taken at the commencement of 
our second volume ; it is usual, I know : moreover it is natural. 
So soon as a writer has once accomplished a volume, he forth- 
with becomes wonderfully increased in attitude ! he steps upon 
his book as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in proportion to its 
magnitude. A duodecimo makes him one inch taller — an 
octavo, three inches — a quarto, six; but he who has made out 
to swell a folio looks down upon his fellow creatures from such 
a fearful height that, ten to one, the poor man's head is turned 
for ever afterward. From such a lofty situation, therefore, it 
is natural an author should cast his eyes behind, and having 
reached the first landing-place on the stairs of immortality, may 
reasonably be allowed to plead his privilege to look back over 
the height he has ascended. I have deviated a little from this 
venerable custom, merely that our retrospect might fall in the 
dog days — of all days in the year most congenial to the indul- 
gence of a little self-sufficiency, inasmuch as people have then 
little to do but to retire within the sphere of "self, and make 
the most of what they find there. 

Let it not be supposed, however, that- we think ourselves a 
whit the wiser or better since we have finished our volume than 
we were before ; on the contrary, we seriously assure our rea- 
ders that we were fully possessed of all the wisdom and morality 
it contains at the moment we commenced writing. It is the 
world which has grown wiser, — not us ; we have thrown our 
mite into the common stock of knowledge, we have shared our 
morsel with the ignorant multitude ; and so far from elevating 
ourselves above the world, our sole endeavor has been to raise 
the world to our own level, and make it as wise as we, its dis- 
interested benefactors. 

To a moral writer like myself, who, next to his own comfort 



IRON-BOUND PHYSIOGNOMIES. 267 

and entertainment, has the good of his fellow citizens at heart, 
a retrospect is but a sorry amusement. Like the industrious 
husbandman, he often contemplates in silent disappointment his 
labors wasted on a barren soil, or the seeds he has carefully 
sown, choked by a redundancy of worthless weeds. I expected 
long ere this to have seen a complete reformation in manners 
and morals, achieved by our united efforts. My fancy echoed to 
the applauding voices of a retrieved generation ; I anticipated, 
with proud satisfaction, the period, not far distant, when our 
work would be introduced into the academies with which every 
lane and alley of our cities abounds : when our precepts would 
be gently inducted into every unlucky urchin by force of birch, 
and my iron-bound physiognomy, as taken by Will Wizard, be 
as notorious as that of Noah Webster, junr. Esq. or his no less 
renowned predecessor, the illustrious Dilworth of spelling- 
book immortality.* But, well-a-day ! to let my readers into 
a profound secret — the expectations of man are like the varied 
hues that tinge the distant prospect ; never to be realized, never 
to be enjoyed but in perspective. Luckless Launcelot, that the 
humblest of the many air castles thou hast erected should prove 
a "baseless fabric I" Much does it grieve me to confess, that 

* Dr. Francis, in his remarks on the life and character of 'Washington 
Irving, before the Historical Society, alludes to this conflict of spelling- 
books at the school in which they were both instructed. " There was a 
curious conflict existing in the school between the principal and his 
assistant instructor; the former a legitimate burgher of the city, the lat- 
ter a New England pedagogue. So far as I can remember, something 
depended on the choice of the boy's parents in the selection of his 
studies ; but if not expressed otherwise, the principal stuck earnestly to 
Dilworth, while the assistant, for his section of instruction, held to Noah 
Webster." 



i}b» SALMAGUNDI. 

after all our lectures, precepts, and excellent admonitions, the 
people of New York are nearly as much given to backsliding 
and ill-nature as ever; they are just as much abandoned to danc- 
ing, and tea-drinking ; and as to scandal, Will Wizard informs 
me that, by a rough computation, since the last cargo of gun- 
powder-tea from Canton, no less than eighteen characters have 
been blown up, besides a number of others that have been 
woefully shattered. 

The ladies still labor under the same scarcity of muslins, and 
delight in flesh-colored silk stockings ; it is evident, however, 
that our advice has had very considerable effect on them, as 
they endeavor to act as opposite to it as possible ; this being 
what Evergreen calls female independence. As to Straddles, 
they abound' as much as ever in Broadway, particularly on Sun- 
days ; and Wizard roundly asserts that he supped in company 
with, a knot of them a few evenings since, when they liquidated 
a whole Birmingham consignment, in a batch of imperial cham- 
pagne. I have, furthermore, in the course of a month past, 
detected no less than three Griblet families making their first 
onset toward style and gentility in the very manner we have 
heretofore reprobated. Nor have our utmost efforts been able 
to check the progress of that alarming epidemic, the rage for 
punning, which, though doubtless originally intended merely to 
ornament and enliven conversation by little sports of fancy, 
threatens to overrun and poison the whole, like the baneful ivy 
which destroys the useful plant it first embellished. Now I 
look upon a habitual punster as a depredator upon conversa- 
tion ; and I have remarked sometimes one of these offenders, 
sitting silent on the watch for an hour together, until some luck- 
less wight, unfortunately for the ease and quiet of the company, 
dropped a phrase susceptible of a double meaning : — when — 



PUNSTERS. 269 

pop, our punster would dart out" like a veteran mouser from her 
covert, seize the unlucky word, and after worrying and mum- 
bling at it until it was capable of no further marring, relapse 
again into silent watchfulness, and lie in wait for another oppor- 
tunity. Even this might be borne with, by the aid of a little 
philosophy ; but the worst of it is, they are not content to 
manufacture puns and laugh heartily at them themselves ; but 
they expect we should laugh with them, which I consider as 
an intolerable hardship, and a flagrant imposition good nature. 
Let those gentlemen fritter away conversation with impunity, 
and deal out their wits in sixpenny bits if they please ; but I 
beg I may have the choice of refusing currency to their small 
change. I am seriously afraid, however, that our junto is not 
quite free from the infection — nay, that it has even approached 
so near as to menace the tranquillity of my elbow-chair ; for, 
Will Wizard, as we were in caucus the other night, absolutely 
electrified Pindar and myself with a most palpable and perplex- 
ing pun ; had it been a torpedo, it could not have more discom- 
posed the fraternity. Sentence of banishment was unanimously 
decreed ; but on his confessing that, like many celebrated wits, 
he was merely retailing other men's wares on commission, he 
was for that once forgiven on condition of refraining from such 
diabolical practices in future. Pindar is particularly outrageous 
against punsters ; and quite astonished and put me to a nonplus 
a day or two since, by asking abruptly " whether I thought a 
punster could be a good Christian ?" He followed up his ques- 
tion triumphantly by offering to prove, by sound logic and his- 
torical fact, that the Roman Empire owed its decline and fall 
to a pun ; and that nothing tended so much to demoralize the 
French nation, as their abominable rage for jewx de mots. 

But what, above everything else, has caused me much vexa- 



270 SALMAGUNDI. 

tion of spirit, and displeased me most with this stiff-necked 
nation is, that in spite of all the serious and profound censures 
of the sage Mustapha, in his various letters — they will talk ! — 
they will still wag their tongues, and chatter like very slang- 
whangers! This is a degree of obstinacy incomprehensible in 
the extreme ; and is another proof how alarming is the force of 
habit, and how difficult it is to reduce beings, accustomed to 
talk, to that state of silence which is the very acme of human 
wisdom. 

We can only account for these disappointments in our mode- 
rate and reasonable expectations, by supposing the world so 
deeply sunk in the mire of delinquency, that not even Hercules, 
were he to put his shoulder to the axletree, would be able to 
extricate it. We comfort ourselves, however, by the reflection 
that there are at least three good men left in this degenerate 
age to benefit the world by example, should precept ultimately 
fail. And borrowing, for once, an example from certain sleepy 
writers who, after the first emotions of surprise at finding their 
invaluable effusions neglected or despised, console themselves 
with the idea that 'tis a stupid age, and look forward to 
posterity for redress — we bequeath our volume to future 
generations — and much good may it do them. Heaven grant 
they may be able to read it 1 for, if our fashionable mode of 
education continues to improve, as of late, I am under serious 
apprehensions that the period is not far distant when the disci- 
pline of the dancing-master will supersede that of the gram- 
marian : crotchets and quavers supplant the alphabet : and the 
heels, by an antipodean manoeuvre, obtain entire preeminence 
over the head. How does my heart yearn for poor, dear posterity 
when this work shall become unintelligible to our grandchildren 
as it seems to be to their grandfathers and grandmothers. 



A LITTLE RIDICULE. 271 

In fact — for I loye to be candid — we begin to suspect that 
many people read our numbers merely for their amusement, 
without paying any attention to the serious truths conveyed in 
every page. Unpardonable want of penetration ! not that wo 
wish to restrict our readers in the article of laughing, which 
we consider as one of the dearest prerogatives of man, and the 
distinguishing characteristic which raises him above all other 
animals : let them laugh, therefore, if they will, provided they 
profit at the same time, and do not mistake our object. It is 
one of our indisputable facts that it is easier to laugh ten follies 
out of countenance than to coax, reason, or flog a man out of 
one. In this odd, singular, and indescribable age — which is 
neither the age of gold, silver, iron, brass, chivalry, or pills, as 
Sir John Carr asserts — a grave writer who attempts to attack 
folly with the heavy artillery of moral reasoning, will fare like 
Smollett's honest pedant, who clearly demonstrated by angles, 
etc., after the manner of Euclid, that it was wrong to do evil — 
and was laughed at for his pains. Take my word for it, a little 
well-applied ridicule, like Hannibal's application of vinegar to 
rocks, will do more with certain hard heads and obdurate 
hearts, than all the logic or demonstrations in Longinus or 
Euclid. But the people of Gotham, wise souls ! are so much 
accustomed to see morality approach them clothed in formidable 
wigs and sable garbs, " with leaden eye that loves the ground," 
that they can never recognize her when, drest in gay attire, she 
comes tripping toward them with smiles and sunshine in her 
countenance. Well, let the rogues remain in happy igno- 
rance, for " ignorance is bliss," as the poet says — and I put as 
implicit faith in poetry as I do in the almanac or the newspaper. 
We will improve them, without their being the wiser for it, and 
they shall become better in spite of their teeth, and without 



272 SALMAGUNDI. 

their having the least suspicion of the reformation working 
within them. 

Among all our manifold grievances, however, still some small 
but vivid rajs of sunshine occasionally brighten along our path ; 
cheering our steps, and inviting us to persevere. 

The public have paid some little regard to a few articles of 
our advice ; they have purchased our numbers freely — so much 
the better for our publisher; they have read them attentively — 
so much the better for themselves. The melancholy fate of my 
dear aunt Charity has had a wonderful effect ; and I have now 
before me a letter from a gentleman who lives opposite to a 
couple of old ladies, remarkable for the interest they took in his 
affairs ; his apartments were absolutely in a state of blockade, 
and he was on the point of changing his lodgings, or capitulat- 
ing, until the appearance of our ninth number, which he imme- 
diately sent over with his compliments. The good ladies took the 
hint, and have scarcely appeared at their window since. As to 
the wooden gentlemen, our friend, Miss Sparkle, assures me, 
they are wonderfully improved by our criticisms, and sometimes 
venture to make a remark, or attempt a pun in company, to the 
great edification of all who happen to understand them. As to 
the red shawls, they are entirely discarded from the fair shoul- 
ders of our ladies — -ever since the last importation of finery — nor 
has any lady, since the cold weather, ventured to expose her 
elbows to the admiring gaze of scrutinizing passengers. But 
there is one victory we have achieved which has given us more 
pleasure than to have written down the whole administration : 
I am assured, from unquestionable authority, that our young 
ladies — doubtless in consequence of our weighty admonitions — 
have not once indulged in that intoxicating, inflammatory, and 
whirligig dance, the waltz — ever since hot weather commenced. 



GOOD HUMOR. 273 

True it is, I understand, an attempt was made to exhibit it by- 
some of the sable fair ones at the last African ball, but it was 
highly disapproved of by all the respectable elderly ladies 
present. 

These are sweet sources of comfort to atone for the many 
wrongs and misrepresentations heaped upon us by the world — 
for even we have experienced its ill-nature. How often have we 
heard ourselves reproached for the insidious applications of the 
uncharitable ! — how often have we been accused of emotions 
which never found an entrance into our bosoms ! — how often 
have our sportive effusions been wrested to serve the purposes 

of particular enmity and bitterness ! Meddlesome spirits ! 

little do they know our disposition; we "lack gall" to wound 
the feelings of a single innocent individual ; we can even forgive 
them from the very bottom of our souls ; may they meet as 
ready a forgiveness from their own consciences ! Like true and 
independent bachelors, having no domestic cares to interfere 
with our general benevolence, we consider it incumbent upon us 
to watch over the welfare of society ; and although we are 
indebted to the world for little else than left-handed favors, yet 
we feel a proud satisfaction in requiting evil with good, and the 
sneer of illiberality with the unfeigned smile of good humor. 
TTith these mingled motives of selfishness and philanthropy we 
commenced our work, and if we cannot solace ourselves with 
the consciousness of having done much good, yet there is still 
one pleasing consolation left, which the world can neither give 
nor take away. There are moments — lingering moments of list- 
less indifference and heavy-hearted despondency — when our best 
hopes and affections slipping, as they sometimes will, from their 
hold on those objects to which they usually cling for support, 
seem abandoned on the wide waste of cheerless existence, with- 



274 SALMAGUNDI. 

out a place to cast anchor ; without a shore in view to excite a 
single wish, or to give a momentary interest to contemplation. 
We look back with delight upon many of these moments of 
mental gloom, whiled away by the cheerful exercise of our pen, 
and consider every such triumph over the spleen as retarding 
the furrowing hand of time in its insidious encroachments on our 
brows. If, in addition to our own amusements, we have, as we 
jogged carelessly laughing along, brushed away one tear of 
dejection and called forth a smile in its place — if we have 
brightened the pale countenance of a child of sorrow — we shall 
feel almost as much joy and rejoicing as a slang-whanger does 
when he bathes his pen in the heart's blood of a patron and 
benefactor, or sacrifices one more illustrious victim on the altar 
of party animosity. 



"TO READERS AND CORRESPONDENTS. 

IT is our misfortune to be frequently pestered, in our peregri- 
nations about this blessed city, by certain critical gad-flies ; 
who buzz around and merely attack the skin, without ever being 
able to penetrate the body. The reputation of our promising 
protege, Jeremy Cockloft the younger, has been assailed by these 
skin-deep critics ; they have questioned his claims to originality, 
and even hinted that the ideas for his New-Jersey Tour were 
borrowed from a late work entitled " My Pocket-book." As 
there is no literary offence more despicable in the eyes of the trio 
than borrowing, we immediately called Jeremy to an account ; 
when he proved, by the dedication of the work in question, that 
it was first published in London in March, 1801 ; and that his 



TO READERS. 275 

"Stranger in Xew- Jersey" "had made its appearance on the 
24th of the preceding February. 

We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy with honor on the 
ground that it was impossible, knowing as he is, to borrow from 
a foreign work one month before it was in existence ; when Will 
Wizard suddenly took up the cudgels for the critics, and insisted 
that nothing was more probable ; for he recollected reading of 
an ingenious Dutch author who plainly convicted the ancients 
of stealing from his labors ! So much for criticism. 



We have received a host of friendly and admonitory letters 
from different quarters, and among the rest a very loving epistle 
from Georgetown, Columbia, signed Teddy M'Grundy, who 
addresses us by the name of Saul M'Gundy, and insists that we 
are descended from the same Irish progenitors, and nearly 
related. As friend Teddy seems to be an honest, merry rogue, 
we are sorry that we cannot admit his claims to kindred ; we 
thank him, however, for his good will, and should he ever be 
inclined to favor us with another epistle, we will hint to him, 
and at the same time to our other numerous correspondents, 
that their communications will be infinitely more acceptable if 
they will just recollect Tom Shumeton's advice, "pay the post 
boy, Muggins." 



276 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XIV.— SATURDAY, SEPT. 16, 1807. 
LETTER FEOM MUSTAPHA EUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DEIVEE TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TEIPOLI. 

I1TEALTH and joy to the friend of niy heart ! May the 
JL angel of peace ever watch over thy dwelling, and the 
star of prosperity shed its benignant lustre on all thy undertak- 
ings. Far other is the lot of thy captive friend — his brightest 
hopes extend but to a lengthened period of weary captivity, and 
memory only adds to the measure of his griefs, by holding up a 
mirror which reflects with redoubled charms the hours of past 
felicity. In midnight slumbers my soul holds sweet converse 
with the tender objects its affections — it is then the exile is 
restored to his country — it is then the wide waste of waters that 
rolls between us disappears, and I clasp to my bosom the com- 
panion of my youth ; I awake and find it but a vision of the 
night. The sigh will rise — the tear of dejection will steal adown 
my cheek — I fly to my pen, and strive to forget myself, and my 
sorrows, in conversing with my friend. 

In such a situation, my good Asem, it cannot be expected 
that I should be able so wholly to abstract myself from my own 
feelings, as to give thee a full and systematic account of the 
singular people among whom my disastrous lot has been cast. 
I can only find leisure, from my own individual sorrows, to 



politics. 277 

entertain thee occasionally with some of the most prominent 
features of their character ; and now and then a solitary pic- 
ture of their most preposterous eccentricities. 

I have before observed, that among the distinguishing charac- 
teristics of the people of this logocracy, is their invincible love 
of talking j and, that I could compare the nation to nothing but 
a mighty wind-mill. Thou art doubtless at a loss to conceive 
how this mill is supplied with grist ; or, in other words, how it 
is possible to furnish subjects to supply the perpetual motion 
of so many tongues. 

The genius of the nation appears in its highest lustre in this 
particular in the discovery, or rather the application, of a sub- 
ject which seems to supply an inexhaustible mine of words. It 
is nothing more, my friend, than politics ; a word which, I 
declare to thee, has perplexed me almost as much as the 
redoubtable one of economy. On consulting a dictionary of this 
language, I found it denoted the science of government ; and 
the relations, situations and dispositions of states and empires. 
Good ! thought I ; for a people who boast of governing them- 
selves there could not be a more important subject of investi- 
gation. I therefore listened attentively, expecting to hear from 
"the most enlightened people under the sun," — for so they 
modestly term themselves — sublime disputations on the science 
of legislation, and precepts of political wisdom that would not 
have disgraced our great prophet and legislator himself ! — but, 
alas, Asem ! how continually are my expectations disappointed ! 
how dignified a meaning does this word bear in the dictionary ; 
how despicable its common application ; I find it extending to 
every contemptible discussion of local animosity, and every 
petty altercation of insignificant individuals. It embraces, alike, 
all manner of concerns ; from the organization of a divan, the 



278 SALMAGUNDI. 

election of a bashaw, or the levying of an army, to the appoint- 
ment of a constable, the personal disputes of two miserable 
slang-whangers, the cleaning of the "streets, or the economy of a 
dirt cart. A couple of politicians will quarrel, with the most 
vociferous pertinacity, about the character of a bum-bailiff whom 
nobody cares for ; or the deportment of a little great man whom 
nobody knows ; and this is called talking politics ; nay ! it is 
but few days since that I was annoyed by a debate between two 
of my fellow lodgers, who were magnanimously employed in con- 
demning a luckless wight to infamy, because he chose to wear a 
red coat, and to entertain certain erroneous opinions some thirty 
years ago. Shocked at their illiberal and vindictive spirit, I 
rebuked them for thus indulging in slander and uncharitable- 
nesses, about the color of a coat ; which had doubtless for many 
years been worn out ; or the belief in errors, which in all pro- 
bability had been long since atoned for and abandoned ; but 
they justified themselves by alleging that they were only engaged 
in politics, and exerting that liberty of speech, and freedom of 
discussion, which was the glory and safeguard of their national 
independence. "Oh, Mahomet I" thought I, "what a country 
must that be, which builds its political safety on ruined charac- 
ters and the persecution of individuals !" 

Into what transports of surprise and incredulity am I contin- 
ually betrayed, as the character of this eccentric people gradu- 
ally develops itself to my observations. Every new research 
increases the perplexities in which I am involved, and I am more 
than ever at a loss where to place them in the scale of my esti- 
mation. Is is thus the philosopher, in pursuing truth through 
the labyrinth of doubt, error and misrepresentation, frequently 
finds himself bewildered in the mazes of contradictory experi- 
ence ; and almost wishes he could quietly retrace his wandering 



THE LOGOCRACY. 279 

steps, steal back into the path of honest ignorance, and jog on 
once more in contented indifference. 

How fertile in these contradictions is this extensive logo- 
cracy ! Men of different nations, manners and languages, live 
in this country in the most perfect harmony ; and nothing is 
more common than to see individuals, whose respective govern- 
ments are at variance, taking each other by the hand and 
exchanging the offices of friendship. Nay, even on the subject 
of religion, which, as it affects our dearest interests, our earliest 
opinions and prejudices, some warmth and heart-burnings might 
be excused, which, even in our enlightened country, is so fruit- 
ful in difference between man and man ! — even religion occa- 
sions no dissension among these people ; and it has even been 
discovered, by one of their sages, that believing in one God or 
twenty Gods " neither breaks a man's leg nor picks his poc- 
ket." * The idolatrous Persian may here bow down before his 
everlasting fire, and prostrate himself toward the glowing east. 
The Chinese may adore his Fo, or his Josh ; the Egyptian his 
stork ; and the Mussulman practise, unmolested, the divine pre- 
cepts of our immortal prophet. Nay, even the forlorn, aban- 
doned Atheist, who lies down at night without committing 
himself to the protection of heaven, and rises in the morning 
without returning thanks for his safety ; who hath no deity but 
his own will ; whose soul, like the sandy desert, is barren of 
every flower of hope to throw a solitary bloom over the dead 
level of sterility and soften the wide extent of desolation ; whose 
darkened views extend not beyond the horizon that bounds his 

* Jefferson, in his "Notes on Virginia," says, " The legislative powers of 
government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it 
does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty Gods or no 
God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." 



280 SALMAGUNDI. 

cheerless existence ; to whom no blissful perspective opens 
beyond the grave — even he is suffered to indulge in his des- 
perate opinions, without exciting one other emotion than pity 
or contempt. But this mild and tolerating spirit reaches not 
beyond the pale of religion : — once differ in politics, in mere 
theories, visions and chimeras, the growth of interest, of folly, 
or madness, and deadly warfare ensues ; every eye flashes fire, 
every tongue is loaded with reproach, and every heart is filled 
with gall and bitterness. 

At this period several unjustifiable and serious injuries on the 
part of the barbarians of the British Island, have given a new 
impulse to" the tongue and the pen, and occasioned a terrible 
wordy fever. Do not suppose, my friend, that I mean to con- 
demn any proper and dignified expression of resentment for 
injuries. On the contrary, I love to see a word before a blow : 
for " in the fullness of the heart the tongue nioveth." But my 
long experience has convinced me, that people who talk the most 
about taking satisfaction for affronts, generally content them- 
selves with talking instead of revenging the insult ; like the 
street women of this country, who after a prodigious scolding, 
quietly sit down and fan themselves cool as fast as possible. 
But to return : — the rage for talking has now, in consequence 
of the aggressions I alluded to, increased to a degree far beyond 
what I have observed heretofore. In the gardens of his high- 
ness of Tripoli are fifteen thousand bee-hives, three hundred pea- 
cocks, and a prodigious number of parrots and baboons ; and 
yet I declare to thee, Asem, that their buzzing, and squalling, 
and chattering is nothing ccmpared to the wild uproar, and war 
of words, now raging within the bosom of this mighty and dis- 
tracted logocracy. Politics pervade every city, every village, 
every temple, every porter-house — the universal question is, 



KUMOE. 281 

" what is the news V This is a kind of challenge to political 
debate ; and as no two men think exactly alike, 'tis ten to one, 
but before they finish, all the polite phrases in the language are 
exhausted by way of giving fire and energy to argument. What 
renders this talking fever more alarming is, that the people 
appear to be in the unhappy state of a patient whose palate 
nauseates the medicine best calculated for the cure of his disease, 
and seem anxious to continue in the full enjoyment of their chat- 
tering epidemic. They alarm each other by direful reports and 
fearful apprehensions ; like I have seen a lot of old wives in this 
country entertain themselves with stories of ghosts and goblins 
until their imaginations were in a most agonizing panic. Every 
day begets some new tale, big with agitation ; and the busy god- 
dess, Rumor, to speak in the poetic language of the Christians, is 
constantly in motion. She mounts her rattling stage-wagon, and 
gallops about the country, freighted with a load of " hints," " in- 
formations," "extracts of letters from respectable gentlemen," 
" observations of respectable correspondents," and " unquestiona- 
ble authorities ;" — which her high-priests, the slang-whangers, 
retail to their sapient followers, with all the solemnity^and all 
the authenticity of oracles. True it is the unfortunate slang- 
whangers are sometimes at a loss for food, to supply this insatia- 
ble appetite for intelligence ; and are, not unfrequently, reduced 
to the necessity of manufacturing dishes suited to the taste of 
the times ; to be served up as morning and evening repasts to 
their .disciples. 

When the hungry politician is thus full charged with im- 
portant information, he sallies forth to give due exercise to his 
tongue j and tells all he knows, to everybody he meets. Now it 
is a thousand to one that every person he meets is just as wise as 
himself, charged with the same articles of information, and pos- 



282 SALMAGUNDI. 

sessed of the same violent inclination to give it vent; for in this 
country every man adopts some particular slang-whanger, as the 
standard of his judgment, and reads everything he writes if he 
reads nothing else ; which is doubtless the reason why the peo- 
ple of this logocracy are so marvellously enlightened. So away 
they tilt at each other with their borrowed lances, advancing to 
the combat with the opinions and speculations of their respec- 
tive slang-whangers, which, in all probability, are diametrically 
opposite. Here then arises as fair an opportunity for a battle 
of words as heart could wish ; and thou mayst rely upon it, 
Asem, they do not let it pass unimproved. They sometimes 
begin with argument ; but in process of time, as the tongue 
begins to wax wanton, other auxiliaries become necessary ; 
recrimination commences; reproach follows close at its heels — 
from political abuse they proceed to personal, and thus often 
is a friendship of years trampled down by this contemptible 
enemy, this gigantic dwarf of politics, the mongrel issue of 
grovelling ambition and aspiring ignorance ! 

There would be but little harm indeed in all this, if it ended 
merely in a broken head; for this might soon be healed, and the 
scar, if any remained, might serve as a warning ever after 
against the indulgence of political intemperance; at the worst, 
the loss of such heads as these would be a gain to the nation. 
But the evil extends far deeper; it threatens to impair all social 
intercourse, and even to sever the sacred union of family and 
kindred. The convivial table is disturbed; the cheerful fire-side 
is invaded ; the smile of social hilarity is chased away ; — the 
bond of social love is broken by the everlasting intrusion of this 
fiend of contention, who lurks in the sparkling bowl, crouches 
by the fire-side, growls in the friendly circle, infests every avenue 
to pleasure ; and, like the scowling incubus, sits on the bosom of 



EQUALITY. 283 

society, pressing down and smothering every throb and pulsation 
of liberal philanthropy. 

But thou wilt perhaps ask, " What can these people dispute 
about ? One would suppose that, being all free and equal, they 
would harmonize as brothers ; children of the same parent, and 
equal heirs of the same inheritance." This theory is most 
exquisite, my good friend, but in practice it turns out the very 
dream of a madman. Equality, Asem, is one of most consum- 
mate scoundrels that ever crept from the brain of a political 
juggler — a fellow who thrusts his hand into the pocket of honest 
industry, or enterprising talent, and squanders their hard-earned 
profits on profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. There will 
always be an inequality among mankind so long as a portion of 
it is enlightened and industrious, and the rest idle and ignorant. 
The one will acquire a larger share of wealth, and its attendant 
comforts, refinements, and luxuries of life, and the influence and 
power which those will always possess who have the greatest 
ability of administering to the necessities of their fellow crea- 
tures. These advantages will inevitably excite envy ; and envy 
as inevitably begets ill-will — hence arises that eternal warfare 
which the lower orders of society are waging against those who 
have raised themselves by their own merits, or have been raised 
by the merits of their ancestors, above the common level. In a 
nation possessed of quick feelings and impetuous passions, the 
hostility might engender deadly broils and bloody commotions ; 
but here it merely vents itself in high-sounding words, which 
lead to continual breaches of decorum, or in the insidious assas- 
sination of character, and a restless propensity among the base 
to blacken every reputation which is fairer than their own. 

I cannot help smiling sometimes to see the solicitude with 
which the people of America, so called from the country having 



284 SALMAGUNDI. 

been first discovered by Christopher Columbus, battle about 
them when any election takes place, as if they had the least con- 
cern in the matter, or were to be benefited by an exchange of 
bashaws ; they really seem ignorant that none but the bashaws 
and their dependents are at all interested in the event ; and 
that the people at large will not find their situation altered in 
the least. I formerly gave thee an account of an election which 
took place under my eye. The result has been that the people, 
as some of the slang-whangers say, have obtained a glorious 
triumph, which, however, is flatly denied by the opposite slang- 
whangers, who insist that their party is composed of the true 
sovereign people ; and that the others are all jacobins, French- 
men, and Irish rebels. I ought to apprise thee that the last is 
a term of great reproach here ; which, perhaps, thou wouldst 
not otherwise imagine, considering that it is not many years 
since this very people were engaged in a revolution ; the failure 
of which would have subjected them to the same ignominious 
epithet, and a participation in which is now the highest recom- 
mendation to public confidence. By Mahomet, but it cannot 
be denied that the consistency of this people, like everything 
else appertaining to them, is on a prodigious great scale ! To 
return, however, to the event of the election. The people 
triumphed ; and much good has it done them. I, for my part, 
expected to see wonderful changes, and most magical metamor- 
phoses. I expected to see the people all rich, that they would 
be all gentlemen bashaws, riding in their coaches and faring 
sumptuously every day, emancipated from toil, and revelling in 
luxurious ease. Wilt thou credit me, Asem, when I declare 
unto thee, that everything remains exactly in the same state it 
was before the last wordy campaign ? except a few noisy 
retainers who have crept into office, and a few noisy patriots, on 



A SWELL FISH. 285 

the other side, who have been kicked out, there is not the 
least difference. The laborer toils for his daily support; the beg- 
gar still lives on the charity of those who have any charity to 
bestow ; and the only solid satisfaction the multitude have 
reaped is, that they have got a new governor, or bashaw, whom 
they will praise, idolize, and exalt for a while, and afterward, 
notwithstanding the sterling merits he really possesses, in com- 
pliance with immemorial custom, they will abuse, calumniate, 
and trample him under foot. 

Such, my dear Asem, is the way in Which the wise people of 
" the most enlightened country under the sun," are amused with 
straws, and puffed up with mighty conceits ; like a certain fish 
I have seen here, which having his belly tickled for a short time, 
will swell and puff himself up to twice his usual size, and 
become a mere bladder of wind and vanity. 

The blessing of a true Mussulman light on thee, good Asem; 
ever, while thou livest, be true to thy prophet; and rejoice that, 
though the boasting political chatterers of this logocracy cast 
upon thy countrymen the ignominious epithet of slaves, thou 
livest in a country where the people, instead of being at the ■ 
mercy of a tyrant with a million of heads, have nothing to do 
but submit to the will of a bashaw of only three tails. 

Ever thine, 

Mustapka. 



286 SALMAGUNDI. 

COCKLOFT HALL. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

THOSE who pass their time immured in the smoke of the 
city, amid the rattling of carts, the brawling of the mul- 
titude, and the variety of discordant sounds that prey insensibly 
upon the nerves, and beget a weariness of the spirits, can alone 
understand and feel that expansion of the heart, that physical 
renovation which a citizen experiences when he steals forth from 
his dusty prison, to breathe the free air of heaven, and enjoy the 
clear face of nature. Who that has rambled by the side of one 
of our majestic rivers, at the hour of sunset, when the wildly 
romantic scenery around is softened and tinted by the volup- 
tuous mist of evening ; when the bold and swelling outlines of 
the distant mountain seem melting into the glowing horizon, and 
a rich mantle of refulgence is thrown over the whole expanse of 
the heavens, but must have felt how abundant is nature in 
sources of pure enjoyment ; how luxuriant in all that can enli- 
ven the senses or delight the imagination. The jocund zephyr, 
full freighted with native fragrance, sues sweetly to the senses ; 
the chirping of the thousand varieties of insects with which our 
woodlands abound forms a concert of simple melody ; even the 
barking of the farm dog, the lowing of the cattle, the tinkling 
of their bells, and the strokes of the woodman's axe from the 
opposite shore, seem to partake of the softness of the scene, and 
fall tunefully upon the ear ; while the voice of the villager, 
chanting some rustic ballad, swells from a distance, in the sem- 
blance of the very music of harmonious love. 

At such times I am conscious of the influence of nature upon 
the heart • a hallowed calm is diffused over my senses ; I cast 



COCKLOFT HALL. 287 

my eyes around, and every object is serene, simple, and beauti- 
ful ; no warring passion, no discordant string, there vibrates to 
the touch of ambition, self-interest, hatred, or revenge ; I am 
at peace with the whole world, and hail all mankind as friends 
and brothers. Blissful moments! ye recall the careless days of 
my boyhood, when mere existence was happiness, when hope 
was certainly, this world a paradise, and every woman a minis- 
tering angel ! Surely man was designed for a tenant of the 
universe, instead of being pent up in these dismal cages, these 
dens of strife, disease, and discord. We were created to range 
the fields, to sport among the groves, to build castles in the air, 
and have every one of them realized ! 

A whole legion of reflections like these insinuated themselves 
into my mind, and stole me from the influence of the cold reali- 
ties before me, as I took my accustomed walk a few weeks since 
on the Battery. Here, watching the splendid mutations of one 
of our summer skies, which emulated the boasted glories of an 
Italian sunset, I all at once discovered that it was but pack up 
my portmanteau, bid adieu for awhile to my elbow-chair, and in 
a little time I should be transported from the region of smoke, 
and noise, and dust, to the enjoyment of a far sweeter prospect 
and a brighter sky. The next morning I was off full tilt to 
Cockloft Hall, leaving my man Pompey to follow at his leisure 
with my baggage. I love to indulge in rapid transitions, which 
are prompted by the quick impulse of the moment ; 'tis the only 
mode of guarding against that intruding and deadly foe to all 
parties of pleasure — anticipation. 

Having now made good my retreat, until the black frosts com- 
mence, it is but a piece of civility due to my readers, who I trust 
are, ere this, my friends, to give them a proper introduction to 
my present residence. I do this as much to gratify them as my- 






288 SALMAGUNDI. 

self ; well knowing a reader is always anxious to learn how his 
author is lodged, whether in a garret, a cellar, a hovel, or a 
palace ; at least an author is generally vain enough to think so ; 
and an author's vanity ought sometimes to be gratified. Poor 
devil ! it is often the only gratification he ever tastes in this 
world ! 

Cockloft Hall is the country residence of the family, or 
rather the paternal mansion ; which, like the mother country, 
sends forth whole colonies to people the face of the earth. Pin- 
dar whimsically denominates it the family hive ! and there is at 
least as much truth as humor in my cousin's epithet ; for many 
a swarm has it produced. I don't recollect whether I have at 
any time mentioned to my readers, for I seldom look back on 
what I have written, that the fertility of the Cocklofts is pro- 
verbial. The female members of the family are most incredibly 
fruitful ; and to use a favorite phrase of old Cockloft, who is 
excessively addicted to backgammon, they seldom fail " to throw 
doublets every time." I myself have known three or four very 
industrious young men reduced to great extremities, by some 6f 
these capital breeders ; heaven smiled upon their union, and en- 
riched them with a numerous and hopeful offspring — who eat 
them out of doors. 

But to return to the Hall. It is pleasantly situated on the 
bank of a sweet pastoral stream ; not so near town as to invite 
an inundation of idle acquaintance, who come to lounge away 
an afternoon, nor so distant as to render it an absolute deed of 
charity or friendship to perform the journey. It is one of the 
oldest habitations in the country, and was built by my cousin 
Christopher's grandfather, who was also mine by the mother's 
side, in his latter days, to form, as the old gentleman expressed 
himself, " a snug retreat, where he meant to sit himself down in 



IMPROVEMENTS. 289 

his old days, and be comfortable for the rest of his life." He 
was at this time a few years over fourscore ; but this was a 
common saying of his, with which he usually closed his airy spe- 
culations. One would have thought, from the long vista of 
years through which he contemplated many of his projects, that 
the good man had forgot the age of the patriarchs had long 
since gone by, and calculated living a century longer at least. 
He was for a considerable time in doubt, on the question of roof- 
ing his house with shingles or slates : shingles would not last 
above thirty years ! but then they were much cheaper than 
slates. He settled the matter by a kind of compromise, and 
determined to build with shingles first ; " and when they are 
worn out/' said the old gentleman triumphantly, " 'twill be time 
enough to replace them with more durable materials !" But 
his contemplated improvements surpassed everything ; and 
scarcely had he a roof over his head, when he discovered a thou- 
sand things to be arranged before he could " sit down comfort- 
ably." In the first place, every tree and bush on the place was 
cut down or grubbed up by the roots, because they were not 
placed to his mind ; and a vast quantity of oaks, chestnuts, and 
elms, set out in clumps, and rows, and labyrinths, which, he ob- 
served, in about five-and-twenty or thirty years at most, would 
yield a very tolerable shade, and, moreover, would shut out all 
the surrounding country ; for he was determined, he said, to 
have all his views on his own land, and be beholden to no man 
for a prospect. This, my learned readers will perceive, was 
something very like the idea of Lorenzo de Medici, who gave as 
a reason for preferring one of his seats above all the others, 
" that all the ground within view of it was his own ;" now, 
whether my grandfather ever heard of the Medici, is more than 
I can say ; I rather think, however, from the characteristic ori- 

13 



290 SALMAGUNDI. 

ginality of the Cocklofts, that it was a whim-wham of his own 
begetting. Another odd notion of the old gentleman, was to 
blow up a large bed of rocks, for the purpose of having a fish- 
pond, although the river ran at about one hundred yards dis- 
tance from the house, and was well stored with fish ; but there 
was nothing, he said, like having things to one's self. So at it 
he went with all the ardor of a projector, who has just hit upon 
some splendid and useless whim-wham. As he proceeded, his 
views enlarged ; he would have a summer-house built on the 
margin of the fish-pond ; he would have it surrounded with elms 
and willows ; and he would have a cellar dug under it, for some 
incomprehensible purpose, which remains a secret to this day.* 

* The writer of the reminiscence, whom we have already cited in the 
previous mention of Cockloft Hall, Mr. W. A. Whitehead, of Newark, 
describes the recent condition of the summer-house. " The old man," 
who serves the purpose of the narrator, " sighed and turned away his 
head, while he led the way to a small building standing not far from the 
river's brink, and near an artificial basin or pond, into which, as the tide 
was full, the Passaic was pouring some of its surplus waters through a 
narrow sluice. It was octagonal in shape, about eighteen feet in diame- 
ter, containing only one apartment, with a door facing the river on the 
east, and having windows opening toward each of the other three cardi- 
nal points. It was built of stone, and had been originally weather- 
boarded, although most of the boards had fallen off. It had evidently 
been constructed with great care, being fully plaistered within, and 
papered, having an ornamental cornice and chair-board, an arched door- 
way, and cut stone steps : all indicating a fastidiousness of finish not 
ordinarily found elsewhere than in dwellings ; but it was far gone toward 
utter ruin, the window sashes being all out, the door gone, and the muti- 
lated wood-work showing it to be the resort only of the idle and the 
vicious. On looking to my companion for an explanation, he said : 

" ' This, sir, was the Cockloft summer-house, and this the fish-pond 
which Irving mentions when giving the portrait of the old proprietor. 



THE FISH POND. 291 

"Ina few years/' lie observed, " it would be a delightful piece 
of wood and water, where he might ramble on a summer's noon, 
smoke his pipe, and enjoy himself in his old days f thrice hon- 
est old soul ! — he died of an apoplexy in his ninetieth year, just 
as he had begun to blow up the fish-pond. 

Let no one ridicule the whim-whams of my grandfather. If— - 
and of this there is no doubt, for wise men have said it — if life be 
but a dream, happy is he who can make the most of the illusion. 

Since my grandfather's death, the hall has passed through the 
hands of a succession of true old cavaliers, like himself, who glo- 
ried in observing the golden rules of hospitality ; which, accord- 
ing to the Cockloft principle, consists in giving a guest the free- 
dom of the house, cramming him with beef and pudding, and, if 

You may remember the passage, " an odd notion of the old gentleman 
was to blow up a large bed of rocks for the purpose of having a fish-pond, 
although the river run at about one hundred yards' distance from the 
house, and was well stored with fish: but there was nothing, he said, 
like having things to one's self. And he would have a summer-house 
built on the margin of the fish-pond; he would have it surrounded with 
elms and willows; and he would have a cellar dug under it, for some in- 
comprehensible purpose, which remains a secret to this day." As I 
remember it, in the days of youth,' continued my aged friend, ■ with its 
window seats and lockers, I think it requires no " Will Wizard" to solve 
the mystery of the cellar, but that there the bottles were kept that were 
wont to surrender their exhilarating contents at the summons of the 
occupants of the comfortable apartment above.' 

" As I commented on the peculiar position of the building, my com- 
panion remarked : 

" ' Here, too, you see an illustration of a peculiarity of the elder " Cock- 
loft." " He was determined," says Irving, "to have all his views on his 
own land, and be beholden to no man for a prospect." So he placed, 
you see, the door of his summer-house on the side toward the water, 
while the windows all look inland.' " 



292 SALMAGUNDI. 

possible, laying liim under the table with prime port, claret, of 
London particular. The mansion appears to have been conse- 
crated to the jolly god, and teems with monuments sacred to 
conviviality. Every chest of drawers, clothes-press, and cabi- 
net, is decorated with enormous China punch-bowls, which Mrs. 
Cockloft has paraded with much ostentation, particularly in her 
favorite red damask bed-chamber, in which a projector might, 
with great satisfaction, practise his experiments on fleets, diving- 
bells, and submarine boats. 

I have before mentioned Cousin Christopher's profound vene- 
ration for antique furniture ; in consequence of which the old 
hall is furnished in much the same style with the house in town. 
Old-fashioned bedsteads, with high testers ; massy clothes-presses, 
standing most majestically on eagles' claws, and ornamented with 
a profusion of shining brass handles, clasps, and hinges ; and 
around the grand parlor are solemnly arranged a set of high- 
backed, leather-bottomed, massy mahogany chairs, that always 
remind me of the formal long-waisted belles, who flourished in 
stays and buckram, about the time they were in fashion. 

If I may judge from their height, it was not the fashion for 
gentlemen in those days to loll over the back of a lady's chair, 
and whisper in her ear what — might be as well spoken aloud ; 
at least, they must have been Patagonians to have effected it. 
Will Wizard declares, that he saw a little fat German gallant 
attempt once to whisper Miss Barbara Cockloft in this manner, 
but being unluckily caught by the chin, he dangled and kicked 
about for half a minute, before he could find terra firma — but 
Will is much addicted to hyperbole, by reason of his having been 
a great traveller. 

But what the Cocklofts most especially pride themselves upon, 
is the possession of several family portraits, which exhibit as 



293 



honest a set of square, portly, well-fed looking gentlemen and 
gentlewomen, as ever grew and flourished under the pencil of a 
Dutch painter. Old Christopher, who is a complete genealogist, 
has a story to tell of each, and dilates with copious eloquence 
on the great services of the general in large sleeves, during the 
old French war ; and on the piety of the lady in blue velvet, 
who so attentively peruses her book, and was once so celebrated 
for a beautiful arm ; but, much as I reverence my illustrious an- 
cestors, I find little to admire in their biography, except my 
cousin's excellent memory ; which is most provokingly retentive 
of every uninteresting particular. 

My allotted chamber in the hall is the same that was occupied 
in days of yore by my honored uncle John. The room exhibits 
many memorials which recall to my remembrance the solid excel- 
lence and amiable eccentricities of that gallant old lad. Over 
the mantel-piece hangs the portrait of a young lady dressed in a 
flaring, long-waisted, blue silk gown ; be-flowered, and be-furbe- 
lowed, and be-cuffed, in a most abundant manner ; she holds in 
one hand a book, which she very complaisantly neglects, to turn 
and smile on the spectator ; in the other a flower, which I hope, 
for the honor of dame nature, was the sole production of the 
painter's imagination ; and a little behind her is something tied 
to a blue riband, but whether a little dog, a monkey, or a 
pigeon, must be left to the judgment of future commentators. 
This little damsel, tradition says, was my uncle John's third 
flame ; and he would infallibly have run away with her, could 
he have persuaded her into the measure ; but at that time ladies 
were not quite so easily run away with as Columbine ; and my 
uncle failing in the point, took a lucky thought, and with great 
gallantry ran off with her picture, which he conveyed in triumph 
to Cockloft Hall, and hung up in his bed-chamber as a monu- 



294 SALMAGUNDI. 

ment of his enterprising spirit. The old gentleman prided him- 
self mightily on this chivalric manoeuvre ; always chuckled, and 
pulled up his stock when he contemplated the picture, and never 
related the exploit without winding up with—" I might, indeed, 
have carried off the original, had I chose to dangle a little lon- 
ger after her chariot-wheels ; for, to do the girl justice, I believe 
she had a liking for me ; but I always scorned to coax, my boy 
— always — 'twas my way." My uncle John was of a happy 
temperament ; I would give half I am worth for his talent at 
self-consolation. 

The Miss Cocklofts have made several spirited attempts to 
introduce modern furniture into the Hall, but with very indif- 
ferent- success. Modern style has always been an object of great 
annoyance to honest Christopher, and is ever treated by him 
with sovereign contempt, as an upstart intruder. It is a com- 
mon observation of his, that your old-fashioned, substantial fur- 
niture bespeaks the respectability of one's ancestors, and indicates 
that the family has been used to hold up its head for more than 
the present generation ; whereas the fragile appendages of 
modern style seemed to be emblems of mushroom gentility, and, 
to his mind, predicted that the family dignity will molder away 
and vanish with its transient finery. The same whim- wham 
makes him averse to having his house surrounded with poplars ; 
which he stigmatizes as mere upstarts, just fit to ornament the 
shingle palaces of modern gentry, and characteristic of the esta- 
blishments they decorate. Indeed, so far does he carry his vene- 
ration for antique trumpery, that he can scarcely see the dust 
brushed from its resting-place on the old-fashioned testers, or a 
grey-bearded spider dislodged from its ancient inheritance, with- 
out groaning ; and I once saw him in a transport of passion on 
Jeremy's knocking down a mouldering martin-coop with his ten- 



A TREE. 295 

nis-ball, which had been set up in the latter days of my grand- 
father. Another object of his peculiar affection is an old Eng- 
lish cherry-tree, which leans against the corner of the Hall ; and 
whether the house supports it, or it supports the house, would 
be, I believe, a question of some difficulty to decide. It is held 
sacred by friend Christopher because he planted and reared it 
himself, and had once well-nigh broken his neck by a fall from one 
of its branches. This is one of his favorite stories, and there is 
reason to believe, that if the tree was out of the way, the old 
gentleman would forget the whole affair — which would be a 
great pity. The old tree has long since ceased bearing, and is 
exceedingly infirm* ; every tempest robs it of a limb ; and one 
would suppose from the lamentations of my old friend, on such 
occasions, that he had lost one of his own. He often contem- 
plates it in a half-melancholy, half-moralizing humor — "to- 
gether," he says, " have we flourished, and together shall we 
wither away ; a few years, and both our heads will be laid low, 
and, perhaps, my mouldering bones may, one day or other, min- 
gle with the dust of the tree I have planted." He often fan- 
cies, he says, that it rejoices to see him when he revisits the Hall, 
and that its leaves assume a brighter verdure, as if to welcome 
his arrival. How whimsically are our tenderest feelings assailed! 
At one time the old tree had obtruded a withered branch before 
Miss Barbara's window, and she desired her father to order the 
gardener to saw it off. I shall never forget the old man's an- 
swer, and the look that accompanied it. " What," cried he, 
"lop off the limbs of my cherry-tree in its old age ? Why do 
you not cut off the grey locks of your poor old father ?" 

Do my readers yawn at this long family detail ? They are 
welcome to throw down our work, and never resume it again . I 
have no care for such ungratified spirits, and will not throw 



296 SALMAGUNDI. 

away a thought on one of them. Full often Lave I contributed 
to their amusement, and have not I a right, for once, to consult 
my own ? Who is there that does not fondly turn, at times, to 
linger round those scenes which were once the haunt of his boy- 
hood, ere his heart grew heavy and his head waxed grey ; and 
to dwell with fond affection on the friends who have twined 
themselves round his heart — mingled in all his enjoyments — con- 
tributed to all his felicities ? If there be any, who cannot relish 
these enjoyments, let them despair ; for they have been so soiled 
in their intercourse with the world, as to be incapable of tasting 
some of the purest pleasures that survive the happy period of 
youth. 

To such as have not yet lost the rural feeling, I address this 
simple family picture ; and in the honest sincerity of a warm 
heart, I invite them to turn aside from bustle, care, and toil, to 
tarry with me for a season, in the hospitable mansion of the 
Cocklofts. 



[I was really apprehensive, on reading the following effusion of 
Will Wizard, that he still retained that pestilent hankering after 
puns of which we lately convicted him. He, however, declares 
that he is fully authorized by the example of the most popular 
critics and wits of the present age, whose manner and matter he 
has closely, and he natters himself successfully, copied in the 
subsequent essay.] 



THEATBICALS IN DISTRESS. 297 

THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. 

BY WILLIAM WIZAKD, ESQ. 

THE uncommon healthiness of the season, occasioned, as 
several learned physicians assure me, by the universal pre- 
valence of the influenza, has encouraged the chieftain of our 
dramatic corps to marshal his forces, and to commence the cam- 
paign at a much earlier day than usual. He has been induced 
to take the field, thus suddenly, I am told, by the invasion of 
certain foreign marauders, who pitched their tents at Tauxhall 
Garden during the warm months ; and taking advantage of his 
army being disbanded and dispersed in summer quarters, com- 
mitted sad depredations upon the borders of his territories, car- 
rying off a considerable portion of his winter harvest, and mur- 
dering some of his most distinguished characters. 

It is true, these hardy invaders have been reduced to great 
extremity by the late heavy rains, which injured and destroyed 
much of their camp equipage, besides spoiling the best part of 
their wardrobe. Two cities, a triumphal car, and a new moon 
for Cinderella, together with the barber's boy who was employed 
every night to powder and make it shine white, have been en- 
tirely washed away, and the sea has become very wet and moldy ; 
insomuch that great apprehensions are entertained that it will 
never be dry enough for use. Add to this the noble county 
Paris had the misfortune to tear his corduroy breeches, in the 
scuffle with Romeo, by reason of the tomb being very wet, which 
occasioned him to slip ; and he and his noble rival possessing but 
one pair of satin ones between them, were reduced to consider- 
able shifts to keep up the dignity of their respective houses. In 

13* 



298 SALMAGUNDI. 

spite of these disadvantages, and the untoward circumstances, 
they continued to enact most intrepidly ; performing with much 
ease and confidence, inasmuch as they were seldom pestered with 
an audience to criticise and put them out of countenance. It 
is rumored that the last heavy shower absolutely dissolved the 
company, and that our manager has nothing further to appre- 
hend from that quarter. 

The theatre opened on Wednesday last, with great eclat, as 
we critics say, and almost vied in brilliancy with that of my 
superb friend Consequa in Canton, where the castles were all 
ivory, the sea mother of pearl, the skies gold and silver leaf, and 
the outside of the boxes inlaid with scollop shell-work. Those 
who want a better description of the theatre, may as well go 
and see it, and then they can judge for themselves. For the 
gratification of a highly respectable class of readers, who love 
to see everything on paper, I had indeed prepared a circumstan- 
tial and truly incomprehensible account of it, such as your tra- 
veller always fills his book with, and which I defy the most 
intelligent architect, even the great Sir Christopher Wren, to 
understand. I had jumbled cornices, and pilasters, and pillars, 
and capitals, and trigylphs, and modules, and plinths, and volntes, 
and perspectives, and fore-shortenings, helter-skelter ; and had 
set all the orders of architecture, Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, etc., 
together by the ears, in order to work out a satisfactory des- 
cription ; but the manager having sent me a polite note request- 
ing that I would not take off the sharp edge, as he whimsically 
expressed it, of public curiosity, thereby diminishing the 
receipts of his house, I have willingly consented to oblige him, 
and have left my description at the store of our publisher, where 
any person may see it — provided he applies at a proper hour. 

I cannot refrain here from giving vent to the satisfaction I 



SUPERNUMERARIES. 299 

received from the excellent performances of the different actors, 
one and all ; and particularly the gentlemen who shifted the 
scenes, who acquitted themselves throughout with great celerity, 
dignity, pathos, and effect. Nor must I pass over the peculiar 
merits of my friend John, who gallanted off the chairs and tables 
in the most dignified and circumspect manner. Indeed, I have 
had frequent occasion to applaud the correctness with which this 
gentleman fulfills the parts allotted him, and consider him as one 
of the best general performers in the company. My friend, the 
cockney, found considerable fault with the manner in which John 
shoved a huge rock from behind the scenes ; maintaining that 
he should have put his left foot forward, and pushed it with his 
right hand, that being the method practised by his contem- 
poraries of the royal theatres, and universally approved by their 
best critics. He also took exception to John's coat, which he 
pronounced too short by a foot at least, particularly when he 
turned his back to the company. But I look upon these objec- 
tions in the same light as new readings, and insist that John 
shall be allowed to manoeuvre his chairs and tables, shove his 
rocks, and wear his skirts in that style which his genius best 
affects. My hopes in the rising merit of this favorite actor 
daily increase ; and I would hint to the manager the propriety 
of giving him a benefit, advertising in the usual style of play- 
bills, as a " springe to catch woodcocks," that, between the 
play and farce, John will make a bow — for that night only ! 

I am told that no pains have been spared to make the exhibi- 
tions of this season as splendid as possible. Several expert rat- 
catchers have been sent into different parts of the country to 
catch white mice for the grand pantomime of Cinderella. A 
nest full of little squab Cupids have been taken in the neighbor- 
hood of Communipaw ; they are as yet but half fledged, of the 



300 SALMAGUNDI. 

true Holland breed, and it is hoped will be able to fly about by 
the middle of October ; otherwise they will be suspended about 
the stage by the waistband, like little alligators in an apothe- 
cary's shop, as the pantomime must positively be performed by 
that time. Great pains and expense have been incurred in the 
importation of one of the most portly pumpkins in New Eng- 
land; and the public maybe assured there is now one on board a 
vessel from New Haven, which will contain Cinderella's coach and 
six with perfect ease, were the white mice even ten times as large . 

Also several barrels of hail, rain, brimstone, and gunpowder, 
are in store for melo-dramas, of which a number are to be 
played off this winter. It is furthermore whispered me that the 
great thunder drum has been new braced, and an expert per- 
former on that instrument engaged, who will thunder in plain 
English, so as to be understood by the most illiterate hearer. 
This will be infinitely preferable to the miserable Italian thun- 
derer, employed last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who performed in 
such an unnatural and outlandish tongue, that none but the 
scholars of signor Da Ponte could understand him. It will be 
a further gratification to the patriotic audience to know, that 
the present thunderer is a fellow-countryman, born at Dunder- 
berg, among the echoes of the Highlands, and that he thun- 
ders with peculiar emphasis and pompous enunciation, in the true 
style of a fourth of July orator. 

'In addition to all these additions, the manager has provided 
an entire new snow-storm, the very sight of which will be quite 
sufficient to draw a shawl over every naked bosom in the thea- 
tre ; the snow is perfectly fresh, having been manufactured last 
August. 

N.B. The outside of the theatre has been ornamented with a 
new chimney ! ! 



HOME FROM THE SPRINGS. 301 



]STO. XV.— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1807. 
SKETCHES FROM MATURE. 

BY ANTHONY EVEKGEEEN, GENT. 

THE brisk northwesters, which prevailed not long since, had 
a powerful effect in arresting the progress of belles, beaux, 
and wild pigeons in their fashionable northern tour, and turning 
them back to the more balmy region of the south. Among the 
rest, I was encountered, full butt, by a blast which set my teeth 
chattering, just as I doubled one of the frowning bluffs of the 
Mohawk Mountains, in my route to Niagara, and facing about 
incontinently, I forthwith scud before the wind, and a few days 
since arrived at my old quarters in New York. My first care, 
on returning from so long an absence, was to visit the worthy 
family of the Cocklofts, whom I found safe burrowed in their 
country mansion. On inquiring for my highly-respected coad- 
jutor, Langstaff, I learned with great concern that he had 
relapsed into one of his eccentric fits of the spleen, ever since the 
era of a turtle dinner given by old Cockloft to some of the 
neighboring squires, wherein the old gentleman had achieved 
a glorious victory in laying honest Launcelot fairly under the 
table. Langstaff, although fond of the social board and cheerful 
glass, yet abominates any excess, and has an invincible aver- 



302 SALMAGUNDI. 

sion to getting mellow, considering it a wilful outrage on the 
sanctity of imperial mind, a senseless abuse of the body, and an 
unpardonable, because a voluntary, prostration of both mental 
and personal dignity. I have heard him moralize on the sub- 
ject, in a style that would do honor to Michael Cassio himself ; 
but I believe, if the truth were known, this antipathy rather rises 
from his having, as the phrase is, but a weak head, and nerves 
so extremely sensitive, that he is sure to suffer severely from a 
frolic, and will groan and make resolutions against it for a 
week afterward. He therefore took this waggish exploit of 
old Christopher's, and the consequent quizzing which he under- 
went, in high dudgeon ; had kept aloof from company for a fort- 
night, and appeared to be meditating some deep plan of retalia- 
tion upon his mischievous old crony. He had, however, for the 
last day or two, shown some symptoms of convalescence : had 
listened, without more than half a dozen twitches of impatience, 
to one of Christopher's unconscionable long stories, and even 
was seen to smile, for the one hundred and thirtieth time, at a 
venerable joke originally borrowed from Joe Miller, but which, 
by dint of long occupancy, and frequent repetition, the old 
gentleman now firmly believes happened to himself somewhere 
in -New England. 

As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's haunts, I soon 
found him out. He was lolling on his favorite bench, rudely 
constructed at the foot of an old tree, which is full of fantastical 
twists, and with its spreading branches forms a canopy of luxu- 
riant foliage. This tree is a kind of chronicle of the short reigns 
of his uncle John's mistresses ; and its trunk is sorely wounded 
with carvings of true lovers' knots, hearts, darts, names, and 
inscriptions ! — frail memorials of the variety of the fair dames 
who captivated the wandering fancy of that old cavalier in the 



SENTIMENTAL. 303 

days of his youthful romance. Launcelot holds this tree in 
particular regard, as he does everything else connected with the 
memory of his good uncle John. He was reclining, in one of 
his usual brown studies, against its trunk, and gazing pensively 
upon the river that glided just by, washing the drooping 
branches of the dwarf willows that fringed its bank. My 
appearance roused him ; he grasped my hand with his usual 
warmth, and with a tremulous but close pressure, which spoke 
that his heart entered into the salutation. After a number of 
affectionate inquiries and felicitations, such as friendship, not 
form, dictated, he seemed to relapse into his former flow of 
thought, and to resume the chain of ideas my appearance had 
broken for a moment. 

"I was reflecting," said he, "my dear Anthony, upon some 
observations I made in our last number ; and considering 
whether the sight of objects once dear to the affections, or of 
scenes where we have passed different happy periods of early 
life, really occasions most enjoyment or most regret. Renewing 
our acquaintance with well-known but long separated objects, 
revives, it is true, the recollection of former pleasures, and 
touches the tenderest feelings of the heart ; as the flavor of a 
delicious beverage will remain upon the palate long after the 
cup has parted from the lips. But on the other hand, my friend, 
these same objects are too apt to awaken us to a keener recol- 
lection of what we were, when they once delighted us ; and to 
provoke a mortifying and melancholy contrast with what we are 
at present. They act, in a manner, as milestones of existence, 
showing us how far we have travelled in the journey of life — 
how much of our weary but fascinating pilgrimage is accom- 
plished. I look round me, and my eye fondly recognizes the 
fields I once sported over, the river in which I once swam, and 



304 SALMAGUNDI. 

the orchard I intrepidly robbed in the halcyon days of boyhood. 
The fields are still green, the river still rolls unaltered and 
undiminished, and the orchard is still nourishing and fruitful ;• — 
it is I only am changed. The thoughtless flow of mad-cap 
spirits that nothing could depress — the elasticity of nerve that 
enabled me to bound over the field, to stem the stream and 
climb the tree — the 'sunshine of the breast' that beamed an 
illusive charm over every object, and created a paradise around 
me ! — where are they ? — the thievish lapse of years has stolen 
them away, and left in return nothing but grey hairs, and a 
repining spirit." My friend Launcelot concluded his harangue 
with a sigh, and as I saw he was still under the influence of a 
whole legion of the blues, and just on the point of sinking into 
one of his whimsical and unreasonable fits of melancholy abstrac- 
tion, I proposed a walk. He consented, and slipping his left arm 
in mine, and waving in the other a gold-headed thorn cane, 
bequeathed him by his uncle John, we slowly rambled along the 
margin of the river. 

Langstaff, though possessing great vivacity of temper, is most 
woefully subject to these " thick coming fancies f and I do not 
know a man whose animal spirits do insult him with more jilt- 
ings, and coquetries, and slippery tricks. In these moods he is 
often visited by a whim-wham which he indulges in common 
with the Cocklofts. It is that of looking back with regret, con- 
juring up the phantoms of good old times, and decking them 
out in imaginary finery, with the spoils of his fancy ; like a good 
lady widow, regretting the loss of the "poor dear man f for 
whom, while living, she cared not a rush. I have seen him and 
Pindar, and old Cockloft, amuse themselves over a bottle with 
their youthful days, until by the time they had become what is 
termed merry, they were the most miserable beings in existence. 



OLD (LESAK. 305 

In a similar humor was Launcelot at present, and I knew the 
only way was to let him moralize himself out of it. 

Our ramble was soon interrupted by the appearance of a per- 
sonage of no little importance at Cockloft Hall — for, to let my 
readers into a family secret, friend Christopher is notoriously 
henpecked by an old negro, who has whitened on the place ; and 
is his master, almanac, and counsellor. My readers, if haply 
they have sojourned in the country, and become conversant in 
rural manners, must have observed, that there is scarce a little 
hamlet but has one of these old weather-beaten wisacres of 
negroes, who ranks among the great characters of the place. 
He is always resorted to as an oracle to resolve any question 
about the weather, fishing, shooting, farming, and horse-doctor- 
ing ; and on such occasions will slouch his remnant of a hat on 
one side, fold his arms, roll his white eyes and examine the sky, 
with a look as knowing as Peter Pindar's magpie when peeping 
into a marrow-bone. Such a sage curmudgeon is old Caesar, 
who acts as friend Cockloft's prime minister or grand vizier ; 
assumes, when abroad, his master's style and title ; to wit, 
Squire Cockloft ; and is, in effect, absolute lord and ruler of the 
soil. 

As he passed us, he pulled off his hat with an air of some- 
thing more than respect ; it partook, I thought, of affection. 
" There, now, is another memento of the kind I have been notic- 
ing," said Launcelot ; " Caesar was a bosom friend and chosen 
playmate of Cousin Pindar and myself, when we were boys. 
Never were we so happy as when, stealing away on a holiday to 
the Hall, we ranged about the fields with honest Caesar. He 
was particularly adroit in making our quail-traps and fishing- 
rods ; was always the ring-leader in all the schemes of frolic- 
some mischief perpetrated by the urchins of the neighborhood ; 



300 SALMAGUNDI. 

considered himself on an equality with the best of us ; and many 
a hard battle have I had with him, about the division of the 
spoils of an orchard, or the title to a bird's nest. Many a sum- 
mer evening do I remember when, huddled together on the steps 
of the Hall door, Caesar, with his stories of ghosts, goblins, and 
witches, would put us all in a panic, and people every lane, and 
churchyard, and solitary wood, with imaginary beings. In pro- 
cess of time, he became the constant attendant and Man Friday 
of Cousin Pindar, whenever he went a sparking among the rosy 
country girls of the neighboring farms ; and brought up his rear 
at every rustic dance, when he would mingle in the sable group 
that always thronged the door of merriment ; and it was enough 
to put to the rout a host of splenetic imps to see his mouth gradu- 
ally dilate from ear to ear, with pride and exultation, at seeing 
how neatly master Pindar footed it over the floor. Caesar was 
likewise the chosen confidant and special agent of Pindar in all 
his love affairs, until, as his evil stars would have it, on being 
intrusted with the delivery of a poetic billet-doux to one of his 
patron's sweethearts, he took an unlucky notion to send it to his 
own sable dulcinea, who, not being able to read it, took it to 
her mistress ; and so the whole affair was blown. Pindar was 
universally roasted, and Caesar discharged forever from his con- 
fidence. 

" Poor Caesar ! — he has now grown old, like his young mas- 
ters, but he still remembers old times ; and will, now and then, 
remind me of them as he lights me to my room, and lingers a 
little while to bid me a good-night. Believe me, my dear 
Evergreen, the honest, simple old creature has a warm corner in 
my heart ; I don't see, for my part, why a body may not like a 
negro as well as a white man !" 

By the time these biographical anecdotes were ended we 



THE STABLE. 30 7 

had reached the stable, into which we had involuntarily strolled, 
and found Caesar busily employed in rubbing down the horses ; 
an office he would not intrust to anybody else, having con- 
tracted an affection for every beast in the stable, from their 
being descendants of the old race of animals, his youthful con- 
temporaries. Caesar was very particular in giving us their pedi- 
grees, together with a panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, 
blood, and spirit of their sires. From these he digressed into a 
variety of anecdotes in which Launcelot bore a conspicuous part, 
and on which the old negro dwelt with all the garrulity of age. 
Honest Langstaff stood leaning with his arm over the back of 
his favorite steed, old Killdeer ; and I could perceive he listened 
to Caesar's simple details with that fond attention with which a 
feeling mind will hang over narratives of boyish days. His eye 
sparkled with animation, a glow of youthful fire stole across his 
pale visage ; he nodded with smiling approbation at every sen- 
tence ; chuckled at every exploit ; laughed heartily at the story 
of his once having smoked out a country singing-school with 
brimstone and assafoetida ; and slipping a piece of money into 
old Caesar's hand to buy himself a new tobacco-box, he seized me 
by the arm and hurried out of the stable brimful of good nature. 
" 'Tis a pestilent old rogue for talking, my dear fellow," cried he, 
" but you must not find fault with him — the creature means 
well." I knew at the very moment that he made this apology, 
honest Caesar could not have given him half the satisfaction had 
he talked like a Cicero or a Solomon. 

Launcelot returned to the house with me in the best possible 
humor — the whole family, who in truth love and honor him from 
their very souls, were delighted to see the sunbeams once more 
play in his countenance. Every one seemed to vie who should 
talk the most, tell the longest stories, and be most agreeable ; 



308 SALMAGUNDI. 

and Will Wizard, who had accompanied me in my visit, declared, 
as he lighted his cigar — which had gone out forty times in the 
course of one of his oriental tales — that he had not passed so 
pleasant an evening since the birthnight ball of the beauteous 
empress of Hayti. 



[The following essay was written by my friend Langstaff, in 
one of the paroxysms of his splenetic complaint ; and, for aught 
I know, may have been effectual in restoring him to good humor. 
A mental discharge of the kind has a remarkable tendency to- 
ward sweetening the temper — and Launcelot is, at this moment, 
one of the best-natured men in existence. 

A. Evergreen.] 



ON GREATNESS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

WE have more than once, in the course of our work, been 
most jocosely familiar with great personages ; and, in 
truth, treated them with as little ceremony, respect, and conside- 
ration, as if they had been our most particular friends. Now, 
we would not suffer the mortification of having our readers even 
suspect us of any intimacy of the kind ; assuring them we are 
extremely choice in our intimates and uncommonly circumspect 
in avoiding connections with all doubtful characters ; particu- 
larly pimps, bailiffs, lottery-brokers, chevaliers of industry, and 
great men. The world, in general, is pretty well aware of what 
is to be understood by the former classes of delinquents ; but as 
the latter has never, I believe, been specifically defined, and as 



A GREAT MAN. 309 

we are determined to instruct our readers to the extent of our 
abilities, and their limited comprehension, it may not be amiss 
here to let them know what we understand by a great man. 

First, therefore, let us — editors and kings are always plural — 
premise, that there are two kinds of greatness : one conferred 
by heaven — the exalted nobility of the soul — the other, a spuri- 
ous distinction, engendered by the mob and lavished upon its 
favorites. The former of these distinctions we have already con- 
templated with reverence ; the latter, we will take this opportu- 
nity to strip naked before our unenlightened readers ; so that if 
by chance any of them are held in ignominious thralldom by this 
base circulation of false coin, they may forthwith emancipate 
themselves from such inglorious delusion. 

It is a fictitious value given to individuals by public caprice, 
as bankers give an impression to a worthless slip of paper: thereby 
gaining it a currency for infinitely more than its intrinsic value . 
Every nation has its peculiar coin, and peculiar great men ; 
neither of which will, for the most part, pass current out of the 
country where they are stamped. Your true mob-created great 
man, is like a note of one of the little Xew England banks, and 
his value depreciates in proportion to the distance from home. In 
England, a great man is he who has most ribands and gew-gaws 
on his coat, most horses to his carriage, most slaves in his reti- 
nue, or most toad-eaters at his table ; in France, he who can 
most dexterously flourish his heels above his head — Duport is 
most incontestably the greatest man in France! — when the 
emperor is absent. The greatest man in China, is he who can 
trace his ancestry up to the moon ; and in this country, our 
great men may generally hunt down their pedigree until it bur- 
row in the dirt like a rabbit. To be concise : our great men are 
those who are most expert at crawling on all fours, and have the 



310 



SALMAGUNDI. 



happiest facility of dragging and winding themselves along in 
the dirt. This may seem a parodox to many of my readers, 
who, with great, good nature be it hinted, are too stupid to look 
beyond the mere surface of our invaluable writings ; and often 
pass over the knowing allusions, and poignant meaning, that is 
slily couching beneath. It is for the benefit of such helpless 
ignorants, who have no other creed but the opinion of the mob, 
that I shall trace, as far as it is possible to follow him in his pro- 
gress from insignificance — the rise, progress, and completion of a 

LITTLE GREAT MAN. 

In a logocracy, to use the sage Mustapha's phrase, it is not 
absolutely necessary to the formation of a great man that he 
should be either wise or valiant, upright or honorable. On the 
contrary, daily experience shows, that these qualities rather im- 
pede his preferment ; inasmuch as they are prone to render him 
too inflexibly erect, and directly at variance with that willow 
suppleness which enables a man to wind, and twist, through all 
the nooks and turns and dark winding passages that lead to 
greatness. The grand requisite for climbing the rugged hill of 
popularity — the summit of which is the seat of power — is to be 
useful. And here, once more, for the sake of our readers, who 
are, of course, not so wise as ourselves, I must explain what we 
understand by usefulness. The horse, in his native state, is wild, 
swift, impetuous, full of majesty, and of a most generous spirit. 
It is then the animal is noble, exalted, and useless. But entrap 
him, manacle him, cudgel him, break down his lofty spirit, put 
the curb into his mouth, the load upon his back, and reduce him 
into servile obedience to the bridle and the lash, and it is then 
he becomes useful. Your jackass is one of the most useful ani- 
mals in existence. If my readers do not now understand what I 
mean by usefulness, I give them all up for most absolute nincoms. 



TIMOTHY DABBLE. 311 

To rise in this country a man must first descend. The aspir- 
ing politician may be compared to that indefatigable insect, 
called the tumbler, pronounced by a distinguished personage to 
be the only industrious animal in Virginia, which buries itself in 
filth, and works ignobly in the dirt, until it forms a little ball, 
which it rolls laboriously along, like Diogenes in his tub ; some- 
times head, sometimes tail foremost, pilfering from every rut and 
mud hole, and increasing its ball of greatness by the contribu- 
tions of the kennel. Just so the candidate for greatness ; — he 
buries himself in the mob ; labors in dirt and oblivion, and 
makes unto himself the rudiments of a popular name from the 
admiration and praises of rogues, ignoramuses, and blackguards. 
His name once started, onward he goes struggling and puffing, 
and pushing it before him ; collecting new tribute from the 
dregs and offals of society, as he proceeds, until having gathered 
together a mighty mass of popularity, he mounts it in triumph ; 
is hoisted into office, and becomes a great man, and a ruler in 
the land. All this will be clearly illustrated by a sketch of a 
worthy of the kind, who sprung up under my eye, and was 
hatched from the dirt by the broad rays of popularity, which, 
like the sun, can " breed maggots in a dead dog." 

Timothy Dabble was a young man of very promising talents; 
for he wrote a fair hand, and had thrice won the silver medal at 
a country academy ; he was also an orator, for he talked with 
emphatic volubility, and could argue a full hour, without taking 
either side, or advancing a single opinion ; he had still further 
requisites for eloquence, for he made very handsome gestures, 
had dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, and enunciated most 
harmoniously through his nose. In short, nature had certainly 
marked him out for a great man ; for though he was not tall, 
yet he added at least half an inch to his stature by elevating his 



312 SALMAGUNDI. 

head, and assumed an amazing expression of dignity by turning 
up his nose and curling his nostrils, in a style of conscious supe- 
riority. Convinced by these unequivocal appearances, Babble's 
friends, in full caucus, one. and all, declared that he was undoubt- 
edly born to be a great man, and it would be his own fault if he 
were not one. Dabble was tickled with an opinion which coin- 
cided so happily with his own — for vanity, in a confidential 
whisper, had given him the like intimation — and he reverenced 
the judgment of his friends because they thought so highly of 
himself. Accordingly he set out with a determination to become 
a great man, and to start in the scrub-race for honor and 
renown. How to attain the desired prize was however the 
question. He knew by a kind of instinctive feeling, which 
seems peculiar to grovelling minds, that honor, and its better 
part — profit, would never seek him out ; that they would never 
knock at his door and' crave admittance ; but must be courted, 
and toiled after, and earned. He therefore strutted forth into 
the highways, and market-places, and the assemblies of the peo- 
ple ; ranted like a true cockerel orator about virtue, and patriot- 
ism, and liberty, and equality, and himself. Full many a politi- 
cal wind-mill did he battle with ; and full many a time did he 
talk himself out of breath and his hearers out of patience. But 
Dabble found, to his vast astonishment, that there was not a 
notorious political pimp at a ward meeting but could out-talk 
him ; and what was still more mortifying, there was not a noto- 
rious political pimp but was more noticed and caressed than him- 
self. The reason was simple enough ; while he harangued about 
principles, the others ranted about men ; where he reprobated 
a political error, they blasted a political character. They were, 
consequently, the most useful ; for the great object of our poli- 
tical disputes is not who shall have the honor of emancipating 



POLITICAL APPRENTICESHIP. 313 

the community from the leading-strings of delusion, but who 
shall have the profit of holding the strings and leading the com- 
munity by the nose. 

Dabble was likewise very loud in his professions of integrity, 
incorruptibility, and disinterestedness ; words which, from being 
filtered and refined through newspapers and election handbills, 
have lost their original signification ; and in the political dic- 
tionary are synonymous with empty pockets, itching palms, and 
interested ambition. He, in addition to all this, declared that 
he would support none but honest men ; but unluckily as but 
few of these offered themselves to be supported, Dabble's servi- 
ces were seldom required. He pledged himself never to engage 
in party schemes, or party politics, but to stand up solely for the 
broad interests of his country — so he stood alone ; and what 
is the same thing, he stood still ; for, in this country, he 
who does not side with either party, is like a body in a 
vacuum between two planets, and must forever remain motion- 
less. 

Dabble was immeasurably surprised that a man so honest, so 
disinterested, and so sagacious withal, and one too who had 
the good of his country so much at heart, should thus remain 
unnoticed and unapplauded. A little worldly advice, whispered 
in his ear by a shrewd old politician, at once explained the 
whole mystery. " He who would become great," said he, 
" must serve an apprenticeship to greatness ; and rise by regu- 
lar gradation, like the master of a vessel, who commences by 
being scrub and cabin-boy. He must fag in the train of great 
men, echo all their sentiments, become their toad-eater and para- 
site — laugh at all their jokes, and, above all, endeavor to make 
them laugh ; if you only make a great man laugh now and then 
your fortune is made. Look about you, youngster, and you will 

14 



314 SALMAGUNDI. 

not see a single little great man of the day, but his herd of 
retainers, who yelp at his heels, come at his whistle, worry who- 
ever he points at, and think themselves fully rewarded by some- 
times snapping up a crumb that falls from his table. Talk of 
patriotism and virtue, and incorruptibility ! — tut, man ! they 
are the very qualities that scare munificence, and keep patron- 
age at a distance. You might as well attempt to entice crowds 
with red rags and gunpowder. Lay all these scarecrow virtues 
aside, and let this be your maxim, that a candidate for political 
eminence is like a dried herring ; he never becomes luminous 
until he is corrupt." 

Dabble caught with hungry avidity these congenial doctrines, 
and turned into his predestined channel of action with the force 
and rapidity of a stream which has for a while been restrained 
from its natural course. He became what nature had fitted him 
to be : his tone softened down from arrogant self-sufficiency, to 
the whine of fawning solicitation. He mingled in the caucuses 
of the sovereign people ; assumed a patriotic slovenliness of 
dress ; argued most logically with those who were of his own 
opinion ; and slandered, with all the malice of impotence, 
exalted characters whose orbit he despaired ever to approach — 
just as that scoundrel midnight thief, the owl, hoots at the 
blessed light of the sun, whose glorious lustre he dares never 
contemplate. He likewise applied himself to discharging, faith- 
fully, the honorable duties of a partisan ; he poached about for 
private slanders and ribald anecdotes ; he folded handbills ; he 
even wrote one or two himself, which he carried about in his 
pocket and read to everybody ; he became secretary at ward- 
meetings, set his hand to divers resolutions of patriotic import, 
and even once went so far as to make a speech, in which he 
proved that patriotism was a virtue — that the reigning bashaw 



PATRIOTISM AND PORTEK. 315 

was a great man — that this was a free country, and he himself 
an arrant and incontestable buzzard ! 

Dabble was now very frequent and devout in his visits to 
those temples of politics, popularity, and smoke — the ward 
porter-houses ; those true dens of equality where all ranks, ages, 
aud talents, are brought down to the level of rude familiarity. 
'Twas here his talents expanded, and his genius swelled up to its 
proper size — like the toad, which, shrinking from balmy airs 
and jocund sunshine, finds his congenial home in caves and dun- 
geons, and there nourishes his venom and bloats his deformity. 
'Twas here he revelled with the swinish multitude in their 
debauches on patriotism and porter ; and it became an even 
chance whether Dabble would turn out a great man or a great 
drunkard. But Dabble in all this kept steadily in his eye the 
only deity he ever worshipped — his interest. Having by this 
familiarity ingratiated himself with the mob, he became wonder- 
fully potent and industrious at elections — knew all the dens and 
cellars of profligacy and intemperance — brought more negroes 
to the polls, and knew to a greater certainty where votes could 
be bought for beer, than any of his contemporaries. His exer- 
tions in the cause, his persevering industry, his degrading com- 
pliance, his unresisting humility, his steadfast dependence, at 
length caught the attention of one of the leaders of the party, 
who was pleased to observe that Dabble was a very useful fel- 
low, who would go all lengths. From that moment his fortune 
was made — he was hand and glove with orators and slang- 
whangers ; basked in the sunshine of great men's smiles, and 
had the honor, sundry times, of shaking hands with dignitaries 
during elections, and drinking out of the same pot with them at 
a porter-hotfse ! ! 

I will not fatigue myself with tracing this caterpillar in his 



316 SALMAGUNDI. 

slimy progress from worm to butterfly : suffice it that Babble 
bowed and bowed, and fawned, and sneaked, and smirked, and 
libelled, until one would have thought perseverance itself would 
have settled down into despair. There was no knowing how 
long he might have lingered at a distance from his hopes had he 
not luckily got tarred and feathered for some electioneering 
manoeuvre. This was the making of him ! Let not my readers 
stare ; tarring and feathering here is equal to pillory and 
cropped ears in England ; and either of these kinds of martyr- 
dom will insure a patriot the sympathy and support of his fac- 
tion. His partisans — for even he had his partisans — took his 
case into consideration. He had been kicked, and cuffed, and 
disgraced, and dishonored in the cause j he had licked the dust 
at the feet of the mob ; he was a faithful drudge, slow to anger, 
of invincible patience, of incessant assiduity ; a thorough-going 
tool, who could be curbed, and spurred, and directed at pleasure 
— in short, he had all the important qualifications for a little 
great man, and he was accordingly ushered into office amid the 
acclamations of the party. The leading men complimented his 
usefulness, the multitude his republican simplicity, and the slang- 
whangers vouched for his patriotism. Since his elevation he 
has discovered indubitable signs of having been destined for a 
great man. His nose has acquired an additional elevation of 
several degrees, so that now he appears to have bidden adieu to 
this world and to have set his thoughts altogether on things 
above ; and he has swelled and inflated himself to such a degree 
that his friends are under apprehensions that he will one day or 
other explode and blow up like a torpedo. 



BALLSTON. 317 



JSTO. XVL— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1807. 



BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

NOTWITHSTANDING Evergreen has never been abroad, 
nor bad bis understanding enlightened, or his views en- 
larged by that marvellous sharpener of the wits, a salt water 
voyage, yet he is tolerably shrewd, and correct, in the limited 
sphere of his observations ; and now and then astounds me with 
a right pithy remark, which would do no discredit even to a man 
who had made the grand tour. 

In several late conversations at Cockloft Hall, he has amused 
us exceedingly by detailing sundry particulars concerning that no- 
torious slaughter-house of time, Ballston Springs, where he 
spent a considerable part of the last summer. The following is 
a summary of his observations. 

Pleasure has passed through a variety of significations at 
Ballston. It originally meant nothing more than a relief from 
pain and sickness ; and the patient who had journeyed many a 
weary mile to the Springs, with a heavy heart and emaciated 
form, called it pleasure when he threw by his crutches, and 
danced away from them with renovated spirits and limbs jocund 
with vigor. In process of time, pleasure underwent a refine- 



318 SALMAGUNDI. 

ment, and appeared in the likeness of a sober, unceremonious 
country-dance, to the flute of an amateur or the three-stringed 
fiddle of an itinerant country musician. Still everything bespoke 
that happy holiday which the spirits ever enjoy, when emanci- 
pated from the shackles of formality, ceremony, and modern po- 
liteness ; things went on cheerily, and Ballston was pronounced 
a charming, humdrum, careless place of resort, where every one 
was at his ease, and might follow unmolested the bent of his 
humor — provided his wife was not there ; when, lo ! all on a 
sudden, Style made its baneful appearance in the semblance of a 
gig and tandem, a pair of leather breeches, a liveried footman, 
and a cockney ! Since that fatal era pleasure has taken an 
entire new signification, and at present means nothing but 

STYLE. 

The worthy, fashionable, dashing, good-for-nothing people of 
every state, who had rather suffer the martyrdom of a crowd 
than endure the monotony of their own homes, and the stupid 
company of their own thoughts, flock to the Springs ; not to 
enjoy the pleasures of society, or benefit by the qualities of the 
waters, but to exhibit their equipages and wardrobes, and to 
excite the admiration, or what is much more satisfactory, the 
envy of their fashionable competitors. This, of course, awakens 
a spirit of noble emulation between the eastern, middle, and 
southern States; and every lady hereupon finding herself charged 
in a manner with the whole weight of her country's dignity and 
style, dresses and dashes, and sparkles, without mercy, at her 
competitors from other parts of the Union. This kind of rival- 
ship naturally requires a vast deal of preparation and prodigious 
quantities of supplies. A sober citizen's wife will break half a 
dozen milliners' shops, and sometimes starve her family a whole 
season, to enable herself to make the Springs campaign in style. 



A SEASON AT THE SPRINGS. 319 

She repairs to the seat of war with a mighty force of trunks and 
band-boxes, like so many ammunition chests, filled with caps, 
hats, gowns, ribands, shawls, and all the various artillery of 
fashionable warfare. The lady of a southern planter will lay out 
the whole annual produce of a rice plantation in silver and gold 
muslins, lace veils, and new liveries ; carry a hogshead of to- 
bacco on her head, and trail a bale of sea-island cotton at her 
heels ; while a lady of Boston or Salem will wrap herself up in 
the net proceeds of a cargo of whale oil, and tie on her hat with 
a quintal of codfish. 

The planters' ladies, however, have generally the advantage in 
this contest ; for, as it is an incontestable fact, that whoever 
comes from the West or East Indies, or Georgia, or the Caro- 
linas, or in fact any warm climate, is immensely rich, it cannot 
be expected that a simple cit of the North can cope with them in 
style. The planter, therefore, who drives four horses abroad, 
and a thousand negroes at home, and who flourishes up to the 
Springs, followed by half a score of black-a-moors, in gorgeous 
liveries, is unquestionably superior to the northern merchant, 
who plods on in a carriage and pair ; which, being nothing more 
than is quite necessary, has no claim whatever to style. He, 
however, has his consolation in feeling superior to the honest cit, 
who dashes about in a simple gig ; he, in return, sneers at the 
country squire, who jogs along with his scrubby, long-eared po- 
ney and saddle-bags ; and the squire, by way of taking satisfac- 
tion, would make no scruple to run over the unobtrusive pedes- 
trian, were it not that the last, being the most independent of 
the whole, might chance to break his head by way of retort. 

The great misfortune is, that this style is supported at such an 
expense as sometimes to encroach on the rights and privileges of 
the pocket ; and occasions very awkward embarrassments to the 



320 SALMAGUNDI. 

tyro of fashion. Among a number of instances, Evergreen men- 
tions the fate of a dashing blade from the South, who made his 
entree with a tandem and two outriders, by the aid of which he 
attracted the attention of all the ladies, and caused a coolness 
between several young couples who, it was thought before his 
arrival, had a considerable kindness for each other. In the 
course of a fortnight his tandem disappeared ! — the class of good 
folk who seem to have nothing to do in this world but pry into 
other people's affairs, began to stare. In a little time longer 
an outrider was missing ! — this increased the alarm, and it was 
consequently whispered that he had eaten the horses and drank 
the negro. N.B. Southern gentlemen are very apt to do this 
on an emergency. Serious apprehensions were entertained about 
the fate of the remaining servant, which were soon verified by 
his actually vanishing ; and in "one little month" the dashing 
Carolinian modestly took his departure in the stage-coach ! — 
universally regretted by the friends who had generously released 
him from his cumbrous load of style. 

Evergreen, in the course of his detail, gave very melancholy 
accounts of an alarming famine which raged with great violence 
at the Springs. Whether this was owing to the incredible 
appetites of the company, or the scarcity which prevailed at the 
inns, he did not seem inclined to say ; but he declares, that he 
was for several days in imminent danger of starvation, owing to 
his being a little too dilatory in his attendance at the dinner 
table. He relates a number of " moving accidents," which 
befell many of the polite company in their zeal to get a good 
seat at dinner ; on which occasion a kind of scrub-race always 
took place, wherein a vast deal of jockeying and unfair play was 
shown, and a variety of squabbles and unseemly altercations 
occurred. But when arrived at the scene of action, it was truly 



DINNER FEATS. 321 

an awful sight to behold the confusion, and to hear the tumultu- 
ous uproar of voices crying some for one thing, and some for 
another, to the tuneful accompaniment of knives and forks ; 
rattling with all the energy of hungry impatience. The feast of 
the Centaurs and the Lapithae was nothing when compared with 
a dinner at the great house. At one time, an old gentleman, 
whose natural irascibility was a little sharpened by the gout, had 
scalded his throat, by gobbling down a bowl of hot soup in a 
vast hurry, in order to secure the first fruits of a roasted par- 
tridge before it was snapped up by some hungry rival ; when, 
just, as he was whetting his knife and fork, preparatory for a 
descent on the promised land, he had the mortification to see it 
transferred, bodily, to the plate of a squeamish little damsel 
who was taking the waters for debility and loss of appetite. 
This was too much for the patience of old Crusty ; he lodged 
his fork into the partridge, whipt it into his dish, and cutting 
off a wing of it, — " There, Miss, there's more than you can eat. 
Oons ! what should such a little chalky-faced puppet as you do 
with a whole partridge 1" At another time a mighty sweet 
disposed old dowager, who loomed most magnificently at the 
table, had a sauce-boat launched upon the capacious lap of a 
silver sprigged muslin gown, by the manoeuvring of a little poli- 
tic Frenchman, who was dextrously attempting to make a 
lodgment under the covered way of a chicken-pie ; human 
nature could not bear it ! — the lady bounced round, and, with 
one box on the ear, drove the luckless wight to utter annihila- 
tion. 

But these little cross accidents are amply compensated by the 
great variety of amusements which abounds at this charming 
resort of beauty and fashion. In the morning the company, 
each like a jolly Bacchanalian, with glass in hand, sally forth to 

14* 



322 SALMAGUNDI. 

the Springs : where the gentlemen, who wish to make them- 
selves agreeable, have an opportunity of dipping themselves into 
the good opinion of the ladies : and it is truly delectable to see 
with what grace and adroitness they perform this ingratiating 
feat. Anthony says that it is peculiarly amazing to behold the 
quantity of water the ladies drink on this occasion, for the pur- 
pose of getting an appetite for breakfast. He assures me he 
has been present when a young lady, of unparalleled delicacy, 
tossed off, in the space of a minute or two, one and twenty 
tumblers and a wine-glass full. On my asking Anthony whether 
the solicitude of the bystanders was not greatly awakened as to 
what might be the effects of this debauch, he replied, that the 
ladies at Ballston had become such great sticklers for the doc- 
trine of evaporation, that no gentleman ever ventured to remon- 
strate against this excessive drinking for fear of bringing his 
philosophy into contempt. The most notorious water-drinkers, 
in particular, were continually holding forth on the surprising 
aptitude with which the Ballston waters evaporated ; and seve- 
ral gentlemen, who had the hardihood to question this female 
philosophy, were held in high displeasure. 

After breakfast, every one chooses his amusement ; some 
take a ride into the pine woods, and enjoy the varied and roman- 
tic scenery of burnt trees, post and rail fences, pine flats, pota- 
toe patches, and log huts; others scramble up the surrounding 
sandhills, that look like the abodes of a gigantic race of ants ; 
— take a peep at other sand-hills beyond them ; — and then — 
come down again. Others who are romantic, and sundry young 
ladies insist upon being so whenever they visit the Springs, or 
go anywhere into the country, stroll along the borders of a 
little swampy brook that drags itself along like an Alexan- 
drine, and that so lazily as not to make a single murmur, 



PLEASURES AT THE SPRINGS. 323 

watching the little tadpoles as they frolic, right flippantly, in the 
muddy stream, and listening to the inspiring melody of the har- 
monious frogs that croak upon its borders. Some play at bil- 
liards, some play at the fiddle, and some— play the fool ; — the 
latter being the most prevalent amusement at Ballston. 

These, together with abundance of dancing, and a prodigious 
deal of sleeping of afternoons, make up the variety of plea- 
sures at the Springs — a delicious life of alternate lassitude and 
fatigue ; of laborious dissipation, and listless idleness ; of sleep- 
less nights, and days spent in that dozing insensibility which 
ever succeeds them. Now and then, indeed, the influenza, the 
fever-and-ague, or some such pale-faced intruder, may happen to 
throw a momentary damp on the general felicity ; but on the 
whole, Evergreen declares that Ballston wants only six things, 
to wit : good air, good wine, good living, good beds, good com- 
pany, and good humor, to be the most enchanting place in the 

world excepting Botany Bay, Musquito Cove, Dismal 

Swamp, and the black-hole at Calcutta. 



[The following letter from the sage Mustapha has cost us 
more trouble to decipher, and render into tolerable English, 
than any hitherto published. It was fall of blots and erasures, 
particularly the latter part, which we have no doubt was penned 
in a moment of great wrath and indignation. Mustapha has 
often a rambling mode of writing, and his thoughts take such 
unaccountable turns, that it is difficult to tell one moment where 
he will lead you the next. This is particularly obvious in the 
commencement of his letters, which seldom bear much analogy 
to the subsequent parts ; he sets off with a flourish, like a 



32i SALMAGUNDI. 

dramatic hero — assumes an air of great pomposity, and struts up 
to his subject mounted most loftily on stilts. 

L. Langstaff.] 



LETTER FROM HUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHA^, 

TO ASEM HAOOHEM, PBINOIPAL SLAVE-DEIVEE TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TEIPOLI. 

AMONG- the variety of principles by which mankind are 
actuated, there is one, my dear Asem, which I scarcely 
know whether to consider as springing from grandeur and 
nobility of mind, or from a refined species of vanity and egotism. 
It is that- singular, although almost universal, desire of living in 
the memory of posterity ; of occupying a share of the world's 
attention, when we shall long since have ceased to be sus- 
ceptible either of its praise or censure. Most of the passions of 
the mind are bounded by the grave ; sometimes, indeed, an anx- 
ious hope or trembling fear will venture beyond the clouds and 
darkness that rest upon our mortal horizon, and expatiate in 
boundless futurity ; but it is only this active love of fame which 
steadily contemplates its fruition, in the applause or gratitude of 
future ages. Indignant at the narrow limits which circumscribe 
existence, ambition is forever struggling to soar beyond them ; 
to triumph over space and time, and to bear a name, at least, 
above the irritable oblivion in which everything else that con- 
cerns us must be involved. It is this, my friend, which prompts 
the patriot to his most heroic achievements ; which inspires the 
sublimest strains of the poet, and breathes ethereal fir^e into the 
productions of the painter and the statuary. 



MUTABILITY. 325 

For this the monarch rears the lofty column ; the laurelled 
conqueror claims the triumphal arch ; while the obscure indi- 
vidual, who moved in a humbler sphere, asks but a plain and 
simple stone to mark his grave, and bear to the next generation 
this important truth, that he was born, died — and was buried. 
It was this passion which once erected the vast Xumidian piles, 
whose ruins we have so often regarded with wonder, as the 
shades of evening — fit emblems of oblivion — gradually stole over 
and enveloped them in darkness. It was. this which gave 
being to those sublime monuments of Saracen magnificence, 
which nod in mouldering desolation, as the blast sweeps over our 

deserted plains. How futile are all our efforts to evade the 

obliterating hand of time ! As I traversed the dreary wastes of 
Egypt, on my journey to Grand Cairo, I stopped my camel for a 
while and contemplated, in awful admiration, the stupendous 
pyramids. An appalling silence prevailed around ; such as 
reigns in the wilderness when the tempest is hushed, and the 
beasts of prey have retired to their dens. The myriads that had 
once been employed in rearing these lofty mementoes of human 
vanity, whose busy hum once enlivened the solitude of the desert 
— had all been swept from the earth by the irresistible arm of 
death — all were mingled with their native dust ; all were for- 
gotten I Evan the mighty names which these sepulchres were 
designed to perpetuate had long since faded from remembrance ; 
history and tradition afforded but vague conjectures, and the 
pyramids imparted a humiliating lesson to the candidate for 

immortality. Alas ! alas ! said I to myself, how mutable are 

the foundations on which our proudest hopes of future fame are 
reposed ! He who imagines he has secured to himself the meed 
of deathless renown, indulges in deluding visions, which only 
bespeak the vanity of the dreamer. The storied obelisk — the 



326 SALMAGUNDI. 

triumphal arch — the swelling dome, shall crumble into dust, and 
the names they would preserve from oblivion shall often pass 
away, before their own duration is accomplished. 

Yet this passion for fame, however ridiculous in the eye of the 
philosopher, deserves respect and consideration, from having 
been the source of so many illustrious actions ; and, hence it has 
been the practice in all enlightened governments to perpetuate 
by monuments, the memory of great men, as a testimony of 
respect for the illustrious dead, and to awaken in the bosoms of 
posterity an emulation to merit the same honorable distinction. 
The people of the American logocracy, who pride themselves 
upon improving on every precept or example of ancient or 
modern governments, have discovered a new mode of exciting 
this love of glory ; a mode by which they do honor to their 
great men, even in their life-time ! 

Thou must have observed by this time, that they manage 
everything in a manner peculiar to themselves ; and doubtless in 
the best possible manner, seeing they have denominated them- 
selves " the most enlightened people under the sun. Thou wilt, 
therefore, perhaps, be curious to know how they contrive to 
honor the name of a living patriot, and what unheard-of monu- 
ment they erect in memory of his achievements. By the fiery 
beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can scarcely preserve the 
sobriety of a true disciple of Mahomet while I tell thee ! — wilt 
thou not smile, oh, Mussulman of invincible gravity, to learn that 
they honor their great men by eating, and that the only trophy 
erected to their exploits, is a public dinner ! But, trust me, 
Asem, even in this measure, whimsical as it may seem, the phi- 
losophic and considerate spirit of this people is admirably dis- 
played. Wisely concluding that when the hero is dead, he be- 
comes insensible to the voice of fame, the song of adulation, or 



PUBLIC DINNERS. 



the splendid trophy, they have determined that he shall enjoy 
his quantum of celebrity while living, and revel in the full enjoy- 
ment of a nine days' immortality. The barbarous nations of- 
antiquity immolated human victims to the memory of their la- 
mented dead, but the enlightened Americans offer up whole 
hecatombs of geese and calves, and oceans of wine, in honor of 
the illustrious living ; and the patriot has the felicity of hearing 
from every quarter, the vast exploits in gluttony and revelling 
that have been celebrated to the glory of his name. 

No sooner does a citizen signalize himself in a conspicuous 
manner in the service of his country, than all the gormandizers 
assemble and discharge the national debt of gratitude — by giv- 
ing him a dinner ; not that he really receives all the luxuries 
provided on this occasion ; no, my friend, it is ten chances to 
one that the great man does not taste a morsel from the table, 
and is, perhaps, five hundred miles distant ; and, to let thee into 
a melancholy fact, a patriot under this economic government, 
may be often in want of a dinner, while dozens are devoured in 
his praise. Neither are these repasts spread out for the hungry 
and necessitous, who might otherwise be filled with food and 
gladness, and inspired to shout forth the illustrious name, which 
had been the means of their enjoyment ; far from this, Asem ; it 
is the rich only who indulge in the banquet ; those who pay for 
the dainties are alone privileged to enjoy them ; so that, while 
opening their purses in honor of the patriot, they at the same 
time fulfill a great maxim, which in this country comprehends all 
the rules of prudence, and all the duties a man owes to himself 
— namely, getting the worth of their money. 

In process of time this mode of testifying public applause has 
been, found so marvellously agreeable, that they extend it to 
events as well as characters, and eat in triumph at the news of a 



328 SALMAGUNDI. 

treaty — at the anniversary of any grand national era, or at the 
gaining of that splendid victory of the tongue — an election. 
Nay, so far do they carry it, that certain days are set apart 
when the guzzlers, the gormandizers, and the wine bibbers meet 
together to celebrate a grand indigestion, in memory of some 
great event ; and every man, in the zeal of patriotism, gets de- 
voutly drunk — " as the act directs." Then, my friend, mayest 
thou behold the sublime spectacle of love of country, elevating 
itself from a sentiment. into an appetite, whetted to the quick 
with the cheering prospect of tables loaded with the fat things of 
the land. On this occasion every man is anxious to fall to work, 
cram himself in honor of the day, and risk a surfeit in the glo- 
rious cause. Some, I have been told, actually fast for four-and- 
twenty hours preceding, that they may be enabled to do greater 
honor to the feast ; and, certainly, if eating and drinking are 
patriotic rites, he who eats and drinks most, and proves himself 
the greatest glutton, is, undoubtedly, the most distinguished pa- 
triot. Such, at any rate, seems to be the opinion here ; and 
they act up to it so rigidly, that by the time it is dark, every 
kennel in the neighborhood teems with illustrious members of 
the sovereign people, wallowing in their congenial element of 
mud and mire. 

These patriotic feasts, or rather national monuments, are pa- 
tronized and promoted by certain inferior cadis, called Alder- 
men, who are commonly complimented with their direction. 
These dignitaries, as far as I can learn, are generally appointed 
on account of their great talents for eating, a qualification pecu- 
liarly necessary in the discharge of their official duties. They 
hold frequent meetings at taverns and hotels, where they enter 
into solemn consultations for the benefit of lobsters and turtles ; 
establish wholesome regulations for the safety and preservation 



ALDERMANIC. 329 

of fish and wild- fowl ; appoint the seasons most proper for eat- 
ing oysters ; inquire into the economy of taverns, the characters 
of publicans, and the abilities of their cooks ; and discuss, most 
learnedly, the merits of a bowl of soup, a chicken-pie, or a 
haunch of venison ; in a word, the alderman has absolute con- 
trol in all matters of eating, and superintends the whole police — 
of the belly. Having, in the prosecution of their important 
office, signalized themselves at so many public festivals • having 
gorged so often on patriotism and pudding, and entombed so 
many great names in their extensive maws, thou wilt easily con- 
ceive that they wax portly apace, that they fatten on the fame 
of mighty men, and that their rotundity, like the rivers, the 
lakes, and the mountains of their country, must be on a great 
scale ! Even so, my friend ; and when I sometimes see a portly 
alderman puffing along, and swelling as if he had the world un- 
der his waistcoat, I cannot help looking upon him as a walking 
monument, and am often ready to exclaim : " Tell me, thou ma- 
jestic mortal, thou breathing catacomb ! to what illustrious cha- 
racter, what mighty event, does that capacious carcass of thine 
bear testimony V 

But though the enlightened citizens of this logocracy eat in 
honor of their friends, yet they drink destruction to their 
enemies. Yea, Asem, woe unto those who are doomed to 
undergo the public vengeance at a public dinner. No sooner 
are the viands removed, than they prepare for merciless and 
exterminating hostilities. They drink the intoxicating juice of 
the grape, out of little glass cups, and over each draught pro- 
nounce a short sentence or prayer ; not such a prayer as thy 
virtuous heart would dictate, thy pious lips give utterance to, 
my good Asem ; not a tribute of thanks to all-bountiful Allah, 
nor a humble supplication for his blessing on the draught ; no, 



330 SALMAGUNDI. 

my friend, it is merely a toast, that is to say, a fulsome tribute 
of flattery to their demagogues; a labored sally of affected sen- 
timent or national egotism ; or, what is more despicable, a male- 
diction on their enemies, an empty threat of vengeance, or a peti- 
tion for their destruction ; for toasts, thou must know, are 
another kind of missive weapon in a logocracy, and are levelled 
from afar, like the annoying arrows of the Tartars. 

Oh, Asem ! couldst thou but witness one of these patriotic, 
these monumental dinners; how furiously the flame of patriotism 
blazes forth ; how suddenly they vanquish armies, subjugate whole 
countries, and exterminate nations in a bumper, thou wouldst 
more than ever admire the force of that omnipotent weapon the 
tongue. At these moments every coward becoms a hero, every 
ragamuflin an invincible warrior ; and the most zealous votaries 
of peace and quiet, forget, for a while, their cherished maxims, 
and join in the furious attack. Toasts succeeds toast ; kings, 
emperors, bashaws, are like chaff before the tempest ; the 
inspired patriot vanquishes fleets with a single gunboat, and swal- 
lows down navies at a draught, until, overpowered with victory 
and wine, he sinks upon the field of battle — dead drunk in his 
country's cause. Sword of the puissant Khalid ! what a dis- 
play of valor is here ! — the sons of Afric are hardy, brave, and 
enterprising, but they can achieve nothing like this. 

Happy would it be if this mania for toasting, extended no 
further than to the expression of national resentment. Though 
we might smile at the impotent vaporing and windy hyperbole, 
by which it is distinguished, yet we would excuse it, as the 
unguarded overflowings of a heart, glowing with national inju- 
ries, and indignant at the insults offered to its country. But, 
alas, my friend, private resentment, individual hatred, and the 
illiberal spirit of party, are let loose on these festive occasions. 



VINDICTIVE FESTIVITIES. 331 

Even the names of individuals, of unoffending fellow-citizens, 
are sometimes dragged forth to undergo the slanders and 
execrations of a distempered herd of revellers.* Head of 
Mahomet ! how vindictive, how insatiably vindictive, must be 
that spirit which can drug the mantling bowl with gall and bit- 
terness, and indulge an angry passion in the moment of rejoic- 
ing ! " Wine," says their poet, " is like sunshine to the heart, 
which, under its generous influence, expands with good will, and 
becomes the very temple of philanthropy." Strange, that in a 
temple consecrated to such a divinity, there should remain a 
secret corner, polluted by the lurkings of malice and revenge, — 
strange, that in the full flow of social enjoyment, these votaries 
of pleasure can turn aside to call down curses on the head of a 
fellow-creature. Despicable souls ! ye are unworthy of being 
citizens of tins " most enlightened country under the sun :" — 
rather herd with the murderous savages who prowl the moun- 
tains of Tibesti ; who stain their midnight orgies with the blood 
of the innocent wanderer, and drink their infernal potations 
from the skulls of the victims they have massacred. 

And yet, trust me, Asem, this spirit of vindictive cowardice 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

* It would seem that, in this sentence, the sage Mustapha had refer- 
ence to a patriotic dinner, celebrated last 4th of July, by some gentle- 
men of Baltimore, when they righteously drank perdition to an unoffend- 
ing individual, and really thought "they had done the state some ser- 
vice." This amiable custom of " eating and drinking damnation '' to 
others, is not confined to any party : — for a month or two after the 4th 
of July, the different newspapers file off their columns of patriotic toasts 
against each other, and take a pride in showing how brilliantly their par- 
tisans can blackguard public character in their cups — '■ they do but jest 
— poison in jest," as Hamlet says. 



332 SALMAGUNDI. 

is not owing to any inherent depravity of soul, for on other 
occasions, I have had ample proof that this nation is mild and 
merciful, brave and magnanimous ; neither is it owing to any 
defect in their political or religious precepts. The principles 
inculcated by their rulers, on all occasions, breathe a spirit of 
universal philanthropy ; and as to their religion, much as I am 
devoted to the Koran of our divine prophet, still I cannot but 
acknowledge with admiration the mild forbearance, the amiable 
benevolence, the sublime morality bequeathed them by the foun- 
der of their faith. Thou rememberest the doctrines of the mild 
Nazarine, who preached peace and good will to all mankind ; 
who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; who blessed those 
who cursed him, and prayed for those who despitefully used and 
persecuted him ! What, then, can give rise to this uncharita- 
ble, this inhuman custom among the disciples of a master so 
gentle and forgiving ? It is that fiend Politics, Asem — that 
baneful fiend which bewildereth every brain, and poisons every 
social feeling ; which intrudes itself at the festive banquet, and 
like the detestable harpy, pollutes the very viands of the table ; 
which contaminates the refreshing draught while it is inhaled ; 
which prompts the cowardly assassin to launch his poisoned 
arrows from behind the social board : and which renders the 
bottle, that boasted promoter of good fellowship and hilarity, 
an infernal engine charged with direful combustion. 

Oh, Asem ! Asem ! how does my heart sicken when I con- 
template these cowardly barbarities ! let me, therefore, if possi- 
ble, withdraw my attention from them forever. My feelings 
have borne me from my subject ; and from the monuments of 
ancient greatness, I have wandered to those of modern degra- 
dation. My warmest wishes remain with thee, thou most illus- 
trious of slave-drivers ; mayest thou ever be sensible of the 



THE FIEND POLITICS. 333 

mercies of our great prophet, who, in compassion to human 
imbecility, has prohibited his disciples from the use of the 
deluding beverage of the grape ; that enemy to reason — that 
promoter of defamation — that auxiliary of politics. 

Ever thine, 

Mustapha. 



334 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XVIL— WEDNESDAY, NOV. 11,1807. 
AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS. 

BY LATJNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

WHEN a man is quietly journeying downward into the 
valley of the shadow of departed youth, and begins to 
contemplate, in a shortened perspective, the end of his pilgrim- 
age, he becomes more solicitous than ever that the remainder of 
his wayfaring should be smooth and pleasant ; and the evening 
of his life, like the evening of a summer's day, fade away in 
mild uninterrupted serenity. If haply his heart has escaped 
uninjured through the dangers of a seductive world, it may then 
administer to the purest of his felicities, and its chords vibrate 
more musically for the trials they have sustained — like the viol 
which yields a melody sweet in proportion to its age. 

To a mind thus temperately harmonized — thus matured and 
mellowed by a long lapse of years — there is something truly con- 
genial in the quiet enjoyment of our early autumn, amid the 
tranquillities of the country. There is a sober and chastened air 
of gaiety diffused over the face of nature, peculiarly interesting 
to an old man ; and when he views the surrounding landscape 
withering under his eye, it seems as if he and nature were taking 
a last farewell of each other, and parting with a melancholy 



AUTUMNAL [REFLECTIONS. 335 

smile j like a couple of old friends, who, having sported away 
the spring and summer of life together, part at the approach of 
winter with a kind of prophetic fear that they are never to meet 
again. 

It is either my good fortune, or mishap, to be keenly sus- 
ceptible to the influence of the atmosphere : and I can feel in 
the morning, before I open my window, whether the wind is 
easterly. It will not, therefore, I presume, be considered an 
extravagant instance of vain glory when I assert, that there are 
few men who can discriminate more accurately in the different 
varieties of damps, fogs, Scotch mists, and northeast storms, 
than myself. To the great discredit of my philosophy, I con- 
fess, I seldom fail to anathematize and excommunicate the 
weather, when it sports too rudely with my sensitive system ; 
but then I always endeavor to atone therefor, by eulogizing it 
when deserving of approbation. And as most of my readers — 
simple folks ! — make but one distinction, to wit, rain and sun- 
shine ; living in most honest ignorance of the various nice shades 
which distinguish one fine day from another, I take the trouble, 
from time to time, of letting them into some of the secrets of 
nature. So will they be the better enabled to enjoy her beau- 
ties, with the zest of connoisseurs, and derive at least as much 
information from my pages as from the weather-wise lore of the 
almanac. 

Much of my recreation, since I retreated to the Hall, has 
consisted in making little excursions through the neighborhood ; 
which abounds in the variety of wild, romantic, and luxuriant 
landscape that generally characterizes the scenery in the vicinity 
of our rivers. There is not an eminence within a circuit of 
many miles but commands an extensive range of diversified and 
enchanting prospect. 



336 SALMAGUNDI. 

Often have I rambled to the summit of some favorite hill ; 
and thence, with feelings sweetly tranquil, as the lucid expanse 
of the heavens that canopied me, have noted the slow and al- 
most imperceptible changes that mark the waning year. There 
are many features peculiar to our autumn, and which give it an 
individual character. The " green and yellow melancholy " that 
first steals over the landscape — the mild and steady serenity 
of the weather, and the transparent purity of the atmosphere, 
speak, not merely to the senses, but the heart. It is the season 
of liberal emotions. To this succeeds fantastic gaiety, a motley 
dress, which the woods assume, where green and yellow, orange, 
purple, crimson, and scarlet, are whimsically blended together. 
A sickly splendor this ! — like the wild and broken-hearted 
gaiety, that sometimes precedes dissolution, — or that childish 
sportiveness of superannuated age, proceeding, not from a vigor- 
ous flow of animal spirits, but from the decay and imbecility of 
the mind. We might, perhaps, be deceived by this gaudy garb 
of nature, were it not for the rustling of the falling leaf, which, 
breaking on the stillness of the scene, seems to announce, nn 
prophetic whispers, the dreary winter that is approaching. 
When I have sometimes seen a thrifty young oak changing its 
hue of sturdy vigor for a bright, but transient glow of red, it 
has recalled to my mind the treacherous bloom that once 
mantled the cheek of a friend who is now no more ; and which, 
while it seemed to promise a long life of jocund spirits, was the 
sure precursor of premature decay. In a little while, and this 
ostentatious foliage disappears ; the close of autumn leaves but 
one wide expanse of dusky brown, save where some rivulet 
steals along, bordered with little strips of green grass ; the 
woodland echoes no more to the carols of the feathered tribes 
that sported in the leafy covert, and its solitude and silence is 



SYMPATHIES OF THE SEASONS. 337 

uninterrupted, except by the plaintive whistle of the quail, the 
barking of the squirrel, or the still more melancholy wintry 
wind, which, rushing and swelling through the hollows of the 
mountains, sighs through the leafless branches of the grove, and 
seems to mourn the desolation of the year. 

To one who, like myself, is fond of drawing comparisons be- 
tween the different divisions of life, and those of the seasons, 
there will appear a striking analogy, which connects the feelings 
of the aged with the decline of the year. Often, as I contem- 
plate the mild, uniform, and genial lustre with which the sun 
cheers and invigorates us in the month of October, and the 
almost imperceptible haze which, without obscuring, tempers all 
the asperities of the landscape, and gives to every object a 
character of stillness and repose, I cannot help comparing it 
with that portion of existence, when, the spring of youthful hope 
and the summer of the passions having gone by, reason assumes 
an undisputed sway, and lights us on with bright, but undazzling 
lustre, adown the hill of life. There is a full and mature luxu- 
riance in the fields that fills the bosom with generous and dis- 
interested content. It is not the thoughtless extravagance of 
spring, prodigal only in blossoms, nor the languid voluptuous- 
ness of summer, feverish in its enjoyments, and teeming only 
with immature abundance — it is that certain fruition of the 
labors of the past — that prospect of comfortable realities, which 
those will be sure to enjoy who have improved the beauteous 
smiles of heaven, nor wasted away their spring and summer in 
empty trifling or criminal indulgence. 

Cousin Pindar, who is my constant companion in these expe- 
ditions, and who still possesses much of the fire and energy of 
youthful sentiment, and a buxom hilarity of the spirits, often, 
indeed, draws me from these half-melancholy reveries, and makes 

15 



338 SALMAGUNDI. 

me feel young again by the enthusiasm with which he contem- 
plates, and the animation with which he eulogizes the beauties 
of nature displayed before him. His enthusiastic disposition 
never allows him to enjoy things by halves, and his feelings are 
continually breaking out in notes of admiration and ejaculations 
that sober reason might perhaps deem extravagant. But, for 
my part, when I see a hale, hearty old man, who has jostled 
through the rough path of the world, without having worn away 
the fine edges of his feelings, or blunted his sensibility to natural 
and moral beauty, I compare him to the evergreen of the forest, 
whose colors, instead of fading at the approach of winter, seem 
to assume additional lustre, when contrasted with the surround- 
ing desolation. Such a man is my friend Pindar ; yet some- 
times, and particularly at the approach of evening, even he will 
fall in with my humor ; but he soon recovers his natural tone of 
spirits ; and, mounting on the elasticity of his mind, like Gany- 
mede on the eagle's wing, he soars to the ethereal regions of 
sunshine and fancy. 

One afternoon we had strolled to the top of a high hill in the 
neighborhood of the Hall, which commands an almost boundless 
prospect; and as the shadows began to lengthen around us, and 
the distant mountains to fade into mist, my cousin was seized 
with a moralizing fit. "It seems to me," said he, laying his 
hand lightly on my shoulder, " that there is just at this season, 
and this hour, a sympathy between us and the world we are 
now contemplating. The evening is stealing upon nature as 
well as upon us ; the shadows of the opening day have given 
place to those of its close ; and the only difference is, that in the 
morning they were before us, now they are behind ; and that 
the first vanished in the splendors of noonday, the latter will be 
lost in the oblivion of night. Our ' May of life/ my dear 



THE COCKLOFT LIBRARY. 339 



Lamice, lias forever fled ; our summer is over and gone 



but," continued he, suddenly recovering himself, and slapping me 
gaily on the shoulder — "but why should we repine? — what? 
though the capricious zephyrs of spring, the heats and hurri- 
canes of summer, have given place to the sober sunshine of 
autumn ! and though the woods begin to assume the dappled 
livery of decay ! yet the prevailing color is still green — gay, 
sprightly green. 

" Let us then comfort ourselves with this reflection ; that 
though the shades of the morning have given place to those of 
the evening — though the spring is past, the summer over, and 
the autumn come — still you and I go on our way rejoicing, and 
while, like the lofty mountains of our southern America, our 
heads are covered with snow, still, like them, we feel the genial 
warmth of spring and summer playing upon our bosoms." 



BY LAOTCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

IN the description which I gave some time since, of Cock- 
loft Hall, I totally forgot to make honorable mention of the 
library, which I confess was a most inexcusable oversight ; for 
in truth it would bear a comparison, in point of usefulness and 
eccentricity, with the motley collection of the renowned hero of 
La Mancha. 

It was chiefly gathered together by my grandfather ; who 
spared neither pains nor expense to procure specimens of the 
oldest, most quaint, and insufferable books in the whole com- 
pass of English, Scotch, and Irish literature. There is a tradi- 
tion in the family that the old gentleman once gave a grand 



3^:0 SALMAGUNDI. 

entertainment in consequence of having got possession of a copy 
of a philippic, by archbishop Anselm, against the unseemly 
luxury of long-toed shoes, as worn by the courtiers in the time 
of William Rufus, which he purchased of an honest brick- 
maker in the neighborhood, for a little less than forty times its 
value. He had undoubtedly a singular reverence for old 
authors, and his highest eulogium on his library was, that it 
consisted of books not to be met with in any other collection ; 
and as the phrase is, entirely out of print. The reason of which 
was, I suppose, that they were not worthy of being reprinted. 

Cousin Christopher preserves these relics with great care, and 
has added considerably to the collection ; for with the Hall he 
has inherited almost all the whim-whams of its former possessor. 
He cherishes a reverential regard for ponderous tomes of Greek 
and Latin ; though he knows about as much of these lan- 
guages, as a young bachelor of arts does a year or two after 
leaving college. A worm-eaten work in eight or ten volumes he 
compares to an old family, more respectable for its antiquity 
than its splendor ; a lumbering folio he considers as a duke ; a 
sturdy quarto, as an earl ; and a row of gilded duodecimos, as 
so many gallant knights of the garter. But as to modern works 
of literature, they are thrust into trunks and drawers, as intrud- 
ing upstarts, and regarded with as much contempt as mushroom 
nobility in England ; who, having risen to grandeur, merely by 
their talents and services, are regarded as uttterly unworthy to 
mingle their blood with those noble currents that can be traced 
without a single contamination through a long line of, perhaps, 
useless and profligate ancestors, up to William the bastard's 
cook, or butler, or groom, or some one of Rollo's freebooter. 

Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most uncommon com- 
plexion, takes great delight in ransacking the library ; and has 



DRYASDUST. 341 

been, during his late sojournings at the Hall, very constant and 
devout in his visits to this receptacle of obsolete learning. He 
seemed particularly tickled with the contents of the great 
mahogany chest of drawers mentioned in the beginning of this 
work. This venerable piece of architecture has frowned in 
sullen majesty, from a corner of the library, time out of mind ; 
and is filled with musty manuscripts, some in my grandfather's 
hand-writing, and others evidently written long before his 
day. 

It was a sight, worthy of a man's seeing, to behold Will with 
his outlandish phiz poring over old scrawls that would puzzle a 
whole society of antiquarians to expound, and diving into recep- 
tacles of trumpery, which for a century past, had been undis- 
turbed by mortal hand. He would sit for whole hours, with a 
phlegmatic patience unknown in these degenerate days, except, 
peradventnre, among the High Dutch commentators, prying 
into the quaint obscurity cf musty parchments, until his whole 
face seemed to be converted into a folio leaf of black letter ; and 
occasionally, when the whimsical meaning of an obscure pas- 
sage flashed on his mind, his countenance would curl up into an 
expression of gothic risibility, not unlike the physiognomy of a 
cabbage leaf wilting before a hot fire. 

At such times there was no getting Will to join in our walks ; 
or take any part in our usual recreations ; he hardly gave us an 
oriental tale in a week, and would smoke so inveterately that no 
one else dared to enter the library under pain of suffocation. 
This was more especially the case when he encountered any 
knotty piece of writing ; and he honestly confessed to me that 
One worm-eaten manuscript, written in a pestilent crabbed hand, 
had cost him a box of the best Spanish cigars before he could 
make it out ; and after all, it was not worth a tobacco-stalk. 



342 SALMAGUNDI. 

Such is the turn of my knowing associate ; only let him get 
fairly in the track of any odd out-of-the-way whim-wham, and 
away he goes, whip and cut, until he either runs down his game, 
or runs himself out of breath ; I never in my life met with a 
man who rode his hobby-horse more intolerably hard than 
Wizard. 

One of his favorite occupations, for some time past, has been 
the hunting of black letter, which he holds in high regard; and 
and he often hints, that learning has been on the decline ever 
since the introduction of the Roman alphabet. An old book 
printed three hundred years ago is a treasure ; and a ragged 
scroll, about one-half unintelligible, fills him with rapture. Oh! 
with what enthusiasm will he dwell on the discovery of the Pan- 
dects of Justinian, and Livy's history ; and when he relates the 
pious exertions of the Medici, in recovering the lost treasures of 
Greek and Roman literature, his eye brightens, and his face 
assumes all the splendor of an illuminated manuscript. 

Will had vegetated for a considerable time in perfect tranquil- 
lity among dust and cobwebs, when one morning as we were 
gathered on the piazza, listening with exemplary patience to 
one of Cousin Christopher's long stories about the Revolutionary 
War, we were suddenly electrified by an explosion of laughter 
from the library. My readers, unless peradventure they have 
heard honest Will laugh, can form no idea of the prodigious 
uproar he makes. To hear him in a forest, you would imagine — 
that is to say if you were classical enough — that the satyrs and 
the dryads had just discovered a pair of rural lovers in the 
shade, and were deriding, with bursts of obstreperous laughter, 
the blushes of the nymph and the indignation of the swain ; — 
or if it were suddenly, as in the present instance, to break upon 
the serene and pensive silence of an autumnal morning, it would 



343 



cause a sensation something like that which arises from hearing 
a sudden clap of thunder in a summer's day, when not a cloud is 
to be seen above the horizon. In short, I recommend Will's 
laugh as a sovereign remedy for the spleen : and if any of our 
readers are troubled with that villainous complaint — which can 
hardly be, if they make good use of our works — I advise them 
earnestly to get introduced to him forthwith. 

This outrageous merriment of Will's, as may be easily sup- 
posed, threw the whole family into a violent fit of wondering ; 
we all, with the exception of Christopher, who took the inter- 
ruption in high dudgeon, silently stole up to the library ; and 
bolting in upon him, were fain at the first glance to join in his 
aspiring roar. His face, — but I despair to give an idea of his 
appearance ! — and until his portrait, which is now in the hands 
of an eminent artist, is engraved, my readers must be content : 
I promise them they shall one day or other have a striking like- 
ness of Will's indescribable phiz, in all its native comeliness. 

Upon my inquiring the occasion of his mirth, he thrust an 
old, rusty, musty, and dusty manuscript into my hand, of which 
I could not decipher one word out of ten, without more trouble 
than it was worth. This task, however, he kindly took off my 
hands ; and, in a little more than eight and forty hours, pro- 
duced a translation into fair Roman letters ; though he assured 
me it had lost a vast deal of its humor by being modernized and 
degraded into plain English. In return for the great pains he 
had taken, I could not do less than insert it in our work. Will 
informs me that it is but one sheet of a stupendous bundle which 
still remains uninvestigated. Who was the author we have not 
yet discovered ; but a note on the back, in my grandfather's 
hand-writing, informs us that it was presented to him as a lite- 
rary curiosity by his particular friend, the illustrious Rip Yan 



344 SALMAGUNDI. 

Dam, formerly lieutenant-governor of the colony of Few Amster- 
dam; and whose fame, if it has never reached these latter days 
it was only because he . was too modest a man ever to do any- 
thing worthy of being particularly recorded. 



CHAP. OIX.— OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE RENOWNED 
AND ANTIENT CITY OF GOTHAM. 

How Gotham city conquered was, 

And how the folks turned apes — because. 

LINK. FID. 

ALBEIT, much about this time it did fall out that the 
thrice renowned and delectable city of Gotham did suf- 
fer great discomfiture, and was reduced to perilous extremity, 
by the invasion and assaults of the Hoppingtots. These are a 
people inhabiting a far distant country, exceedingly pleasaunte 
and fertile ; but they being withal egregiously addicted to 
migrations, do thence issue forth in mighty swarms, like the 
Scythians of old, overrunning divers countries, and common- 
wealths, and committing great devastations wheresoever they 
do go, by their horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses. They 
are specially noted for being right valorous in all exercises of 
the leg ; and of them it hath been rightly affirmed that no 
nation in all Christendom or elsewhere, can cope with them in 
the adroit, dexterous, and jocund shaking of the heel. 

This engaging excellence doth stand unto them a sovereign 
recommendation, by which they do insinuate themselves into 
universal favor and good countenance ; and it. is a notable fact, 
that, let a Hoppingtot but once introduce a foot into company, 



A CHRONICLE OF GOTHAM. 345 

and it goeth hardly if he doth not contrive to flourish his whole 
body in thereafter. The learned Linkum Fidelius, in his famous 
and unheard of treatise on man, whom he defineth, with exceed- 
ing sagacity, to be a corn-cutting, tooth-drawing animal, is par- 
ticularly minute and elaborate in treating of the nation of the 
Hoppingtots, and betrays a little of the Pythagorean in his 
theory, inasmuch as he accounteth for their being so wonder- 
ously adroit in pedestrian exercises, by supposing that they did 
originally acquire this unaccountable and unparalleled aptitude 
for huge and unmatchable feats of the leg, by having hereto- 
fore been condemned for their numerous offences against that 
harmlesss race of bipeds, — or quadrupeds — for herein the sage 
Linkum Fidelius appeareth to doubt and waver exceedingly, 
the frogs, to animate their bodies for the space of one or two 
generations. 

He also giveth it as his opinion, that the name of Hopping- 
tots is manifestly derivative from this transmigration. Be this, 
however, as it may, the matter, albeit it has been the subject of 
controversy among the learned, is but little pertinent to the sub- 
ject of this history ; wherefore shall we treat and consider it as 
naughte. 

Now these people being thereto impelled by a superfluity of 
appetite, and a plentiful deficiency of the wherewithal to satisfy 
the same, did take thought that the antient and venerably city 
of Gotham, was, peraciventure, possessed of mighty treasures, 
and did, moreover, abound with all manner of fish and flesh, and 
eatables and drinkables, and such like delightsome and whole- 
some excellencies withal. Whereupon calling a council of the 
most active heeled warriors, they did resolve forthwith to put 
forth a mighty array, make themselves masters of the same, and 
revel in the good things of the land. To this were they hotly 

15* 



346 SALMAGUNDI. 

stirred up, and wickedly incited, by two redoubtable and re- 
nowned warriors, bight Pirouet and Rigadoon ; ycleped in such 
sort, by reason that they were two mighty, valiant, and invinci- 
ble little men ; utterly famous for the victories of the leg which 
they had, on divers illustrious occasions, right gallantly achieved. 

These doughty champions did ambitiously and wickedly in- 
flame the minds of their countrymen, with gorgeous descriptions, 
in the which they did cunninglie set forth the marvellous riches 
and luxuries of Gotham ; where Hoppingtots might have gar- 
ments for their bodies, shirts to their ruffles, and might riot most 
merrily every day in the week on beef, pudding, and such like 
lusty dainties. They, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did likewise hold 
out hopes of an easy conquest ; forasmuch as the Gothamites 
were as yet but little versed in the mystery and science of hand- 
ling the legs ; and being, moreover, like unto that notable bully 
of antiquity, Achilles, most vulnerable to all attacks on the heel, 
would doubtless surrender at the very first assault. Whereupon, 
on the hearing of this inspiriting counsel, the Hoppingtots did set 
up a prodigious great cry of joy, shook their heels in triumph, 
and were all impatience to dance on to Gotham and take it by 
storm. 

The cunning Pirouet, and that arch caitiff Rigadoon, knew full 
well how to profit of this enthusiasm. They forthwith did order 
every man to arm himself with a certain pestilent little weapon 
called a fiddle ; to pack up in his knapsack a pair of silk 
breeches, the like of ruffles, a cocked hat of the form of a half- 
moon, a bundle of catgut — and inasmuch as in marching to 
Gotham, the army might peradventure be smitten with scarcity 
of provisions, they did account it proper that each man should 
take especial care to carry with him a bunch of right merchant- 
able onions. Having proclaimed these orders by sound of fiddle, 



THE HOPPINGTOTS. 3tt7 

they, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did accordingly put their army be- 
hind them, and striking up the right jolly and sprightful tune of 
Qa Ira, away they all capered toward the devoted city of 
Gotham, with a most horrible and appalling chattering of 
voices. 

Of their first appearance before the beleagured town, and of 
the various difficulties which did encounter them in their march, 
this history saith not ; being that other matters of more weighty 
import require to be written. When that the army of the Hop- 
pingtots did peregrinate within sight of Gotham, and the people 
of the city did behold the villainous and hitherto unseen capers, 
and grimaces which they did make, a most horrific panic was 
stirred up among the citizens ; and the sages of the town fell 
into great despondency and tribulation, as supposing that these 
invaders were of the race of the Jig-hees, who did make men 
into baboons when they achieved a conquest over them. The 
sages, therefore, called upon all the dancing men, and dancing- 
women, and exhorted them, with great vehemence of speech, to 
make heel against the invaders, and to put themselves upon such 
gallant defence, such glorious array, and such sturdy evolution, 
elevation, and transposition of the foot as might incontinently 
impester the legs of the Hoppingtots, and produce their complete 
discomfiture. But so it did happen, by great mischance, that 
divers light-heeled youths of Gotham, more especially those who 
are descended from three wise men, so renowned of yore for hav- 
ing most venturesomely voyaged over sea in a bowl, were, from 
time to time, captured and inveigled into the camp of the enemy; 
where, being foolishly cajoled and treated for a season with out- 
landish disports and pleasantries, they were sent back to their 
friends, entirely changed, degenerated, and turned topsy-turvy ; 
insomuch that they thought thenceforth of nothing but their 



348 SALMAGUNDI, 

heels, always essaying to thrust them into the most manifest 
point of view ; and, in a word, as might truly be affirmed, did 
forever after walk upon their heads outright. 

And the Hoppingtots did day by day, and at late hours of the 
night, wax more and more urgent in this their investment of the 
city. At one time they would, in goodly procession, make an 
open assault by sound of fiddle in a tremendous contra-dance — 
and anon they would advance by little detachments and manoeu- 
vres to take the town by figuring in cotillons. But truly their 
most cunning and devilish craft, and subtilty, was made mani- 
fest in their strenuous endeavors to corrupt the garrison, by a 
most insidious and pestilent dance called the Waltz. This, in 
good truth, was a potent auxiliary ; for, by it, were the heads 
of the simple Gothamites most villainously turned, their wits 
sent a wool-gathering, and themselves on the point of surrender- 
ing at discretion even unto the very arms of their invading foe- 
men. 

At length the fortifications of the town began to give mani- 
fest symptoms of decay; inasmuch as the breastwork of decency 
was considerably broken down, and the curtain works of pro- 
priety blown up. When that cunning catiff, Pirouet, beheld 
the ticklish and jeopardized state of the city — " Now, by my 
leg," quoth he, — he always swore by his leg, being that it was 
an exceedingly goodlie leg — "now, by my leg," quoth he, 
"but this is no great matter of recreation j I will show these 
people a pretty, strange, and new way, forsooth, presentlie, and 
will shake the dust off my pumps upon this most obstiuate and 
uncivilized town." Whereupon he ordered, and did command 
his warriors, one and all, that they should put themselves in 
readiness, and prepare to carry the town by a grand ball. 
They, in nowise to be daunted, do forthwith, at the word, equip- 



KIGADOON. 349 

themselves for the assault ; and in good faith, truly, it was a 
gracious and glorious sight — a most triumphant and incompar- 
able spectacle — to behold them gallantly arrayed in glossy and 
shining silk breeches tied with abundance of riband; with silken 
hose of the gorgeous color of the salmon ; right goodlie 
morocco pumps, decorated with clasps or buckles of a most cun- 
ninge and secret contrivance, inasmuch as they did of themselves 
grapple to the shoe without any aid of fluke or tongue, marvel- 
lously ensembling witchcraft and necromancy. They had, 
withal, exuberant chitterlings ; which puffed out at the neck 
and bosom, after a most jolly fashion, like unto the beard of an 
antient he-turkey ; — and cocked hats, the which they did carry 
not on their heads, after the fashion of the Gothamites, but 
under their arms, as a roasted fowl his gizzard. 

Thus being equipped, and marshalled, they do attack, assault, 
batter, and belabor the town with might and main ; most gal- 
lantly displaying the vigor of their legs, and shaking their heels 
at it most emphatically. And the manner of their attack was 
in this sort : first, they did thunder and gallop forward in a 
contre-temps — and anon, displayed column in a Cossack dance, 
a fandango, or a gavot. Whereat the Gothamites, in nowise 
understanding this unknown system of warfare, marvelled ex- 
ceedinglie, and did open their mouths incontinently, the full dis- 
tance of a bow-shot, meaning a cross-bow, in sore dismay and 
apprehension. Whereupon, saith Rigadoon, flourishing his left 
leg with great expression of valor, and most magnific carriage : 
" My copesmates, for what wait we here ? are not the townsmen 
already won to our favor ? — do not their women and young 
damsels wave to us from the walls in such sort that, albeit there 
is some show of defence, yet is it manifestly converted into onr 
interests V So saying, he made no more ado, but leaping into 



350 . SALMAftUNDI. 

the air about a flight-shot, aud crossing his feet six times, after 
the manner of the Hoppingtots, he gave a short partridge-run, 
and with mighty vigor and swiftness did bolt outright over the 
walls with a somerset. The whole army of Hoppingtots danced 
in after their valiant chieftain, with an enormous squeaking of 
fiddles, and a horrific blasting and brattling of horns; insomuch 
that the dogs did howl in the streets, so hideously were their 
ears assailed. The Gothamites made some semblance of defence, 
but their women having been all won over into the interest of 
the enemy, they were shortly reduced to make most abject sub- 
mission ; and delivered over to the coercion of certain professors 
of the Hoppingtots, who did put them under most ignominious 
durance, for the space of a long time, until they had learned to 
turn out their toes, and flourish their legs after the manner of 
their conquerors. And thus, after the manner I have related, 
was the mighty and puissant city of Gotham circumvented, and 
taken by a coup de pied : or, as it might be rendered, by force 
of legs. 

The conquerors showed no mercy, but did put all ages, sexes, 
and conditions, to the fiddle and the dance ; and, in a word, 
compelled and enforced them to become absolute Hoppingtots. 
" Habit," as the ingenious Linkum Fidelius profoundly affirmeth, 
" is second nature." And this original and invaluable observa- 
tion hath been most aptly proved, and illustrated, by the ex- 
ample of the Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and unlucky 
mischance. In process of time, they have waxed to be most 
flagrant, outrageous, and abandoned dancers ; they do ponder 
on naughte but how to gallantize it at balls, routs, and fandan- 
goes ; insomuch that the like was in no time or place ever 
observed before. They do moreover, pitifully devote their nights 
to the jollification of the legs, and their days forsooth to the in- 



FIDDLESTICK. 351 

struction and edification of the heel. And to conclude ; their 
young folk, who whilome did bestow a modicum of leisure upon 
the head, have of late utterly abandoned this hopeful task, and 
have quietly, as it were, settled themselves down into mere 
machines, wound up by a tune, and set in motion by a fiddle- 
stick ! 



352 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XYIIL— TUESDAY, 1STOY. 24, 1807. 
THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 

BY LATTNOELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

THE following story has been handed down by family tradi- 
tion for more than a century. It is one on which my 
cousin Christopher dwells with more than usual prolixity ; and, 
being in some measure connected witli a personage often quoted 
in our work, I have thought it worthy of being laid before my 
readers. 

Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel Cockloft, had quietly 
settled himself at the Hall, and just about the time that the gos- 
sips of the neighborhood, tired of prying into his affairs, were 
anxious for some new tea-table topic, the busy community of our 
little village was thrown into a grand turmoil of curiosity and 
conjecture — a situation very common to little gossiping villages — 
by the sudden and unaccountable appearance of a mysterious 
individual. 

The object of this solicitude was a little black-looking man, of 
a foreign aspect, who took possession of an old building, which 
having long had the reputation of being haunted, was in a state 
of ruinous desolation, and an object of fear to all true believers 
in ghosts. He usually wore a high sugar-loaf hat with a nar- 



THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 353 

row brim ; and a little black cloak, which, short as he was, 
scarcely reached below his knees. He sought no intimacy or 
acquaintance with any one ; appeared to take no interest in the 
pleasures or the little broils of the village ; nor ever talked ; ex- 
cept sometimes to himself in an outlandish tongue. He commonly 
carried a large book, covered with sheepskin, under his arm ; 
appeared always to be lost in meditation ; and was often met by 
the peasantry, sometimes watching the dawning of day, some- 
times at noon seated under a tree, poring over his volume ; and 
sometimes at evening gazing with a look of sober tranquillity at 
the sun as it gradually sunk below the horizon. 

The good people of the vicinity beheld something prodigiously 
singular in all this ; a profound mystery seemed to hang about 
the stranger which, with all their sagacity, they could not pene- 
trate ; and in the excess of worldy charity they pronounced it a 
sure sign " that he was no better than he should be f a phrase 
innocent enough in itself : but which, as applied in common, 
signifies nearly everything that is bad. The young people 
thought him a gloomy misanthrope, because he never joined in 
their sports ; the old men thought still more hardly of him be- 
cause he followed no trade, and never seemed ambitious of earn- 
ing a farthing ; and as to the old gossips, baffled by the inflexi- 
ble taciturnity of the stranger, they unanimously decreed that a 
man who could not or would not talk was no better than a 
dumb beast. The little man in black, careless of their opinions, 
seemed resolved to maintain the liberty of keeping his own secret; 
and the consequence was, that, in a little while, the whole village 
was in an uproar ; for in little communities of this description, 
the members have always the privilege of being thoroughly 
versed, and even of meddling in all the affairs of each other. 

A confidential conference was held one Sunday morning after 



354 SALMAGUNDI. 

sermon, at the door of the village church, aud the character of 
the unknown fully investigated. The schoolmaster gave it as 
his opinion, that he was the wandering Jew ; the sexton was 
certain that he must be a freemason, from his silence ; a third 
maintained, with great obstinacy, that he was a high German doc- 
tor ; and that the book which he carried about with him contained 
the secrets of the black art ; but the most prevailing opinion 
seemed to be that he was a witch ; a race of beings at that time 
abounding in those parts ; and a sagacious old matron, from 
Connecticut, proposed to ascertain the fact by sousing him into 
a kettle of hot water. 

Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with wind and tide, and soon 
becomes certainty. Many a stormy night was the little man in 
black seen by the flashes of lightning, frisking and curveting in 
the air upon a broomstick ; and it was always observed, that at 
those times the storm did more mischief than at any other. The 
old lady, in particular, who suggested the humane ordeal of the 
boiling kettle, lost on one of these occasions a fine brindle cow ; 
which accident was entirely ascribed to the vengeance of the lit- 
tle man in black. If ever a mischievous hireling rode his mas- 
ter's favorite horse to a distant frolic, and the animal was ob- 
served to be lame and jaded in the morning — the little man in 
black was sure to be at the bottom of the affair ; nor could a 
high wind howl through the village at night but the old women 
shrugged up their shoulders, and observed, " the little man in 
black was in his tantrums." In short, he became the bugbear 
of every house ; and was as effectual in frightening little child- 
ren into obedience and hysterics, as the redoutable Raw-head- 
and-bloody-bones himself ; nor could a housewife of the village 
sleep in peace except under the guardianship of a horse-shoe 
nailed to the door. 



THE POOR TURNSPIT. 355 

The object of these direful suspicions remained for some time 
totally ignorant of the wonderful quandary he had occasioned ; 
but he was soon doomed to feel its effects. An individual who 
is once so unfortunate as to incur the odium of a village, is in a 
great measure outlawed and proscribed ; and becomes a mark 
for injury and insult ; particularly if he has not the power or the 
disposition to recriminate. The little venomous passions, which 
in the great world are dissipated and weakened by being widely 
diffused, act in the narrow limits of a country town with col- 
lected vigor, and become rancorous in proportion as they are 
confined in their sphere of action. The little man in black ex- 
perienced the truth of this ; every mischievous urchin returning 
from school, had full liberty to break his windows ; and this was 
considered as a most daring exploit ; for in such awe did they 
stand of him, that the most adventurous school-boy was never 
seen to approach his threshhold, and at night would prefer going 
round by the cross-roads, where a traveller had been murdered 
by the Indians, rather than pass by the door of his forlorn habi- 
tation. 

The only living creature that seemed to have any care or 
affection for this deserted being, was an old turnspit — the com- 
panion of his lonely mansion and his solitary wandering — the 
sharer of his scanty meals, and — sorry I am to say it — the 
sharer of his persecutions. The turnspit, like his master, was 
peaceable and inoffensive ; never known to bark at a horse, to 
growl at a traveller, or to quarrel with the dogs of the neigh- 
borhood. He followed close at his master's heels when he went 
out, and when he returned stretched himself in the sunbeams at 
the door ; demeaning himself in all things like a civil and well- 
disposed turnspit. But notwithstanding his exemplary deport- 
ment, he fell likewise under the ill report of the village, as being* 



356 SALMAGUNDI. 

I 

the familiar of the little man in black, and the evil spirit that 
presided at his incantations. The old hovel was considered as 
the scene of their unhallowed rites, and its harmless tenants 
regarded with a detestation which their inoffensive conduct never 
merited. Though pelted and jeered at by the brats of the vil- 
lage, and frequently abused by their parents, the little man in 
black never turned to rebuke them ; and his faithful dog, when 
wantonly assaulted, looked up wistfully in his master's face, and 
there learned a lesson of patience and forbearance. 

The movements of this inscrutable being had long been the 
subject of speculation at Cockloft Hall, for its inmates were full 
as much given to wondering as their descendants. The patience 
with which he bore his persecutions, particularly surprised them ; 
for patience is a virtue but little known in the Cockloft family. 
My grandmother, who, it appears, was rather superstitious, saw 
in this humility nothing but the gloomy sullenness of a wizard 
who restrained himself for the present, in hopes of midnight ven- 
geance ; the parson of the village, who was a man of some read- 
ing, pronounced it the stubborn insensibility of a stoic philoso- 
pher; my grandfather, who, worthy soul, seldom wandered abroad 
in search of conclusions, took a data from his own excellent 
heart, and regarded it as the humble forgiveness of a Christian. 
But however different were their opinions as to the character of 
the stranger, they agreed in one particular, namely, in never in- 
truding upon his solitude ; and my grandmother, who was at 
that time nursing my mother, never left the room without wisely 
putting the large family Bible in the cradle — a sure talisman, in 
her opinion, agaist witchcraft and necromancy. 

One stormy winter night, whan a bleak northeast wind 
moaned about the cottages, and howled around the village stee- 
ple, my grandfather was returning from club, preceded by a ser- 



THE LAST SCENE. 357 

vant with a lantern. Just as he arrived opposite the desolate 
abode of the little man in black, he was arrested by the piteous 
howling of a dog, which, heard in the pauses of a storm, was 
exquisitely mournful ; and he fancied, now and then, that he 
caught the low and broken groans of some one in distress. He 
stopped for some minutes, hesitating between the benevolence 
of his heart and a sensation of genuine delicacy, which, in spite 
of his eccentricity, he fully possessed — and which forbade him to 
pry into the concerns of his neighbors. Perhaps, too, this hesi- 
tation might have been strengthened by a little taint of supersti- 
tion ; for surely, if the unknown had been addicted to witch- 
craft, this was a most propitious night for his vagaries. At 
length the old gentleman's philanthropy predominated ; he ap- 
proached the hovel, and pushing open the door — for poverty has 
no occasion for locks and keys — beheld, by the light of the lan- 
tern, a scene that smote his generous heart to the core. 

On a miserable bed, with pallid and emaciated visage and hol- 
low eyes — in a room destitute of every convenience — without 
fire to warm or friend to console him, lay this helpless mortal, 
who had been so long the terror and wonder of the village. 
His dog was crouching on the scanty coverlet, and shivering with 
cold. My grandfather stepped softly and hesitatingly to the 
bed-side, and accosted the forlorn sufferer in his usual accents of 
kindness. The little man in black seemed recalled by the tones 
of compassion from the lethargy into which he had fallen ; for, 
though his heart was almost frozen, there was yet one chord 
that answered to the call of the good old man who bent over 
him ; the tones of sympathy, so novel to his ear, called back his 
wandering senses, and acted like a restorative to his solitary 
feelings. 

He raised his eyes, but they were vacant and haggard ; he 



358 SALMAGUNDI. 

put forth his hand, but it was cold ; he essayed to speak, but 
the sound died away in his throat ; he pointed to his mouth with 
an expression of dreadful meaning, and, sad to relate 1 my grand- 
father understood that the harmless stranger, deserted by society, 
was perishing with hunger ! — with the quick impulse of human- 
ity he dispatched the servant to the Hall for refreshment. A 
little warm nourishment renovated him for a short time, but not 
long ; it was evident his pilgrimage was drawing to a close, and 
he was about entering that peaceful asylum, where " the wicked 
cease from troubling." 

His tale of misery was short and quickly told ; infirmities had 
stolen upon him, heightened by the rigors of the season : he had 
taken to his bed without strength to rise and ask for assistance 
— " and if I had," said he, in a tone of bitter despondency, 
"to whom should I have applied? I have no friend that I 
know of in the world ! The villagers avoid me as something 
loathsome and dangerous ; and here, in the midst of Christ- 
ians, should I have perished, without a fellow-being to soothe 
the last moments of existence, and close my dying eyes, 
had not the howlings of my faithful dog excited your atten- 
tion." 

He seemed deeply sensible of the kindness of my grandfather ; 
and at one time as he looked up into his old benefactor's face, a 
solitary tear was observed to steal adown the parched furrows 
of his cheek. Poor outcast ! it was the last tear he shed ; 
but I warrant it was not the first by millions. My grandfather 
watched by him all night. Toward morning he gradually 
declined ; and as the rising sun gleamed through the window, he 
begged to be raised in his bed that he might look at it for the 
last time. He contemplated it for a moment with a kind of 
religious enthusiasm, and his lips moved as if engaged in prayer. 



AN EMBLEM OF BENEVOLENCE. 359 

The strange conjectures concerning him rushed on my grand- 
father's mind ; " he is an idolater !" thought he, " and is wor- 
shipping the sun !" He listened a moment and blushed at his 
own uncharitable suspicion ; he was only engaged in the pious 
devotions of a Christian. His simple orison being finished, the 
little man in black withdrew his eyes from the east, and taking 
my grandfather's hand in one of his, and making a motion with 
the other toward the sun : "I love to contemplate it," said he, 
" 'tis an emblem of the universal benevolence of a true Christ- 
ian ; — and it is the most glorious work of him, who is philan- 
thropy itself!" My grandfather blushed still deeper at his 
ungenerous surmises ; he had pitied the stranger at first, but 
now he revered him. He turned once more to regard him, but 
his countenance had undergone a change ; the holy enthusiasm 
that had lighted up each feature, had given place to an expres- 
sion of mysterious import ; a gleam of grandeur seemed to 
steal across his Gothic visage, and he appeared full of some 
mighty secret which he hesitated to impart. He raised the tat- 
tered nightcap that had sunk almost over his eyes, and waving 
his withered hand with a slow and feeble expression of dignity, 
"In me," said he, with laconic solemnity, — "in me you behold 
the last descendant of the renowned Linkum Fidelius !" My 
grandfather gazed at him with reverence ; for though he had 
never heard of the illustrious personage, thus pompously 
announced, yet there was a certain black-letter dignity in the 
name that peculiarly struck his fancy and commanded his res- 
pect. 

" You have been kind to me," continued the little man in 
black, after a momentary pause, " and richly will I requite your 
kindness by making you heir to my treasures ! In yonder large 
deal box are the volumes of my illustrious ancestor, of which I 



360 SALMAGUNDI. 

alone am the fortunate possessor. Inherit them, ponder over 
them, and be wise !" He grew faint with the exertion he had 
made, and sunk back almost breathless on his pillow. His hand, 
which, inspired with the importance of his subject, he had raised 
to my grandfather's arm, slipped from its hold and fell over the 
side of the bed, and his faithful dog licked it, as if anxious to 
soothe the last moments of his dying master and testify his gra- 
titude to the hand that had so often cherished him. The 
untaught caresses of the faithful animal were not lost upon his 
dying master ; he raised his languid eyes, turned them on the 
dog, then on my grandfather ; and having given this silent 
recommendation — closed them for ever. 

The remains of the little man in black, notwithstanding the 
objections of many pious people, were decently interred in the 
churchyard of the village ; and his spirit, harmless as the body 
it once animated, has never been known to molest a living being. 
My grandfather complied, as far as possible, with his last 
request ; he conveyed the volumes of Linkum Fidelius to his 
library ; he pondered over them frequently ; but whether he 
grew wiser, the tradition doth not mention. This much is cer- 
tain, that his kindness to the poor descendant of Fidelius was 
amply rewarded by the approbation of his own heart, and the 
devoted attachment of the old turnspit ; who, transferring his 
affection from his deceased master to his benefactor, became his 
constant attendant, and was father to a long line of runty curs 
that still flourish in the family. And thus was the Cockloft 
library first enriched by the invaluable folios of the sage Linkum 
Fidelius. 



THE LADIES. 361 



LETTER EEOM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAK, 

TO ASEM HACOHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

THOUGH I am often disgusted, my good Asem, with the 
vices and absurdities of the men of this country, yet the 
women afford me a world of amusement. Their lively prattle is 
as diverting as the chattering of the red-tailed parrot ; nor can 
the green-headed monkey of Timandi equal them in whim and 
playfulness. But, notwithstanding these valuable qualifications, 
I am sorry to observe they are not treated with half the atten- 
tion bestowed on the before mentioned animals. These infidels 
put their parrots in cages and chain their monkeys ; but their 
women, instead of being carefully shut up in harems and sera- 
glios, are abandoned to the direction of their own reason, and 
suffered to run about in perfect freedom, like other domestic 
animals. This comes, Asem, of treating their women as 
rational beings, and allowing them souls. The consequence of 
this piteous neglect may easily be imagined ; they have degene- 
rated into all their native wildness, are seldom to be caught at 
home, and, at an early age, take to the streets and highways, 
where they rove about in droves, giving almost as much annoy- 
ance to the peaceable people as the troops of wild dogs that 
infest our great cities, or the flights of locusts that sometimes 
spread famine and desolation over whole regions of fertility. 

This propensity to relapse into pristine wildness, convinces me 
of the untamable disposition of the sex, who may indeed be par- 
tially domesticated by a long course of confinement and restraint, 
but the moment they are restored to personal freedom, become 
wild as the young partridge of this country, which, though 

16 



362 SALMAGUNDI. 

scarcely half-hatched, will take to the fields and run about with 
the shell upon its back. 

Notwithstanding their wildness, however, they are remarka- 
bly easy of access, and suffer themselves to be approached, at 
certain hours of the day, without any symptoms of apprehen- 
sion ; and I have even happily succeeded in detecting them at 
their domestic occupations. One of the most important of these, 
consists in thumping vehemently on a kind of musical instru- 
ment, and producing a confused, hideous, and indefinable uproar, 
which they call the description of a battle — a jest, no doubt, 
for they are wonderfully facetious at times, and make great 
practice of passing jokes upon strangers. Sometimes they 
employ themselves in painting little caricatures of landscapes, 
wherein they display their singular drollery in bantering nature 
fairly out of countenance ; representing her tricked out in all the 
tawdry finery of copper skies, purple rivers, calico rocks, red 
grass, clouds that look like old clothes set adrift by the tempest, 
and foxy trees, whose melancholy foliage, drooping and curling 
most fantastically, reminds me of an undressed periwig that I 
have, now and then, seen hung on a stick in a barber's window. 
At other times, they employ themselves in acquiring a smatter^ 
ing of languages spoken by nations on the other side of the 
globe, as they find their own language not sufficiently copious 
to supply their constant demands, and express their multifarious 
ideas. But their most import domestic avocation is, to em- 
broider, on satin or muslin, flowers of a nondescript kind, in 
which the great art is to make them as unlike nature as possible 
— or to fasten little bits of silver, gold, tinsel and glass, on long 
strips of muslin, which they drag after them with much dignity 
whenever they go abroad — a fine lady, like a bird of paradise, 
being estimated by the length of her tail. 



HOSPITALITY. 363 

But do not, my friend, fall into the enormous error of supposing 
that the exercise of these arts is attended with any useful or pro- 
fitable results ; believe me, thou couldst not indulge an idea more 
unjust and injurious ; for it appears to be an established maxim 
among the women of this country, that a lady loses her dignity 
when she condescends to be useful ; and forfeits all rank in society 
the moment she can be convicted of earning a farthing. Their 
labors, therefore, are directed not toward supplying their house- 
hold, but in decking their persons, and — generous souls — they 
deck their persons, not so much to please themselves, as to 
gratify others, particularly strangers. I am confident thou wilt 
stare at this, my good Asem, accustomed as thou art to our 
eastern females, who shrink in blushing timidity even from the 
glance of a lover, and are so chary of their favors, that they 
even seem fearful of lavishing their smiles too profusely on their 
husbands. Here, on the contrary, the stranger has the first 
place in female regard, and, so far do they carry their hospital- 
ity, that I have seen a fine lady slight a dozen tried friends and 
real admirers, who lived in her smiles and made her happiness 
their study, merely to allure the vague and wandering glances of 
a stranger, who viewed her person with indifference, and treated 
her advances with contempt. By the whiskers of our sublime 
bashaw, but this is highly flattering to a foreigner ! and thou 
mayest judge how particularly pleasing to one who is, like myself, 
so ardent an admirer of the sex. Far be it from me to condemn 
this extraordinary manifestation of good-will — let their own coun- 
trymen look to that. 

Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear Asem, lest I should 
be tempted, by these beautiful barbarians, to break the faith I 
owe to the three-and-twenty wives, from whom my unhappy 
destiny has perhaps severed me forever. No, Asem, neither 



364 SALMAGUNM. 

time, nor the bitter succession of misfortunes that pursues me, 
can shake from my heart the memory of former attachments. I 
listen with tranquil heart to the strumming and prattling of 
these fair sirens ; their whimsical paintings touch not the tender 
chord of my affections ; and I would still defy their fascinations, 
though they trailed after them trails as long as the gorgeous 
trappings which are dragged at the heels of the holy camel of 
Mecca ; or as the tail of the great beast in our prophet's 
vision, which measured three hundred and forty-nine leagues, 
two miles, three furlongs, and a hand's breadth in longitude. 

The dress of these women is, if possible, more eccentric and 
whimsical than their deportment ; and they take an inordinate 
pride in certain ornaments which are probably derived from 
their savage progenitors. A woman of this country, dressed 
out for an exhibition, is loaded with as many ornaments as a 
Circassian slave when brought out for sale. Their heads are 
tricked out with little bits of horn or shell, cut into fantastic 
shapes, and they seem to emulate each other in the number of 
these singular baubles — like the women we have seen in our 
journeys to Aleppo, who cover their heads with the entire shell 
of a tortoise, and, thus equipped, are the envy of all their less 
fortunate acquaintance. They also decorate their necks and 
ears with coral, gold chains, and glass beads, and load their 
fingers with a variety of rings - } though, I must confess, I have 
never perceived that they wear any in their noses — as has been 
affirmed by many travellers. We have heard much of their 
painting themselves most hideously, and making use of bear's 
grease in great profusion ; but this, I solemnly assure thee, is a 
misrepresentation ; civilization, no doubt, having gradually 
extirpated these nauseous practices. It is true, I have seen two 
or three of these females, who had disguised their features with 



DE GTJSTIBCS. 365 

paint j but then it was merely to give a tinge of red to their 
cheeks, and did not look very frightful ; and as to ointment, 
they rarely use any now, except occasionally a little Grecian 
oil for their hair, which gives it a glossy, greasy, and, they 
think, very comely appearance. The last mentioned class of 
females, I take it for granted, have been but lately caught, and 
still retain strong traits of their original savage propensities. 

The most flagrant and inexcusable fault, however, which I 
find in these lovely savages, is the shameless and abandoned ex- 
posure of their persons. Wilt thou not suspect me of exaggera- 
tion when I affirm — wilt thou not blush for them, most discreet 
Mussulman, when I declare to thee, that they are so lost to all 
sense of modesty, as to expose the whole of their faces from 
their forehead to the chin, and they even go abroad with their 
hands uncovered ! Monstrous indelicacy ! 

But what I am going to disclose will, doubtless, appear to 
thee still more incredible. Though I cannot forbear paying a 
tribute of admiration to the beautiful faces of these fair infidels, 
yet I must give it as my firm opinion that their persons are pre- 
posterously unseemly. In vain did I look around me, on my 
first landing, for -those divine forms of redundant proportions, 
which answer to the true standard of Eastern beauty. Not a 
single fat fair one could I behold among the multitudes that 
thronged the streets ; the females that passed in review before 
me, tripping sportively along, resembled a procession of shadows, 
returning to their graves at the crowing of the cock. 

This meagreness I first ascribed to their excessive volubility ; 
for I have somewhere- seen it advanced by a learned doctor, that 
the sex were endowed with a peculiar activity of tongue, in 
order that they might practise talking as a healthful exercise, 
necessary to their confined and sedentary mode of life. This 



366 SALMAGUNDI. 

exercise, it was natural to suppose, would be carried to great 
excess in a logocracy — ■" Too true," thought I, " they have con- 
verted, what was undoubtedly meant as a beneficent gift, into a 
noxious habit, that steals the flesh from their bones and the rose 
from their cheeks — they absolutely talk themselves thin !" 
Judge, then, of my surprise when I was assured, not long since, 
that this meagreness was considered the perfection of personal 
beauty, and that many a lady starved herself, with all the obsti- 
nate perseverance of a pious dervise — into a fine figure! " Nay, 
more," said my informer, " they will often sacrifice their healths 
in this eager pursuit of skeleton beauty, and drink vinegar, eat 
pickles, and smoke tobacco, to keep themselves within the scanty 
outlines of the fashions." Faugh ! Allah preserve me from such 
beauties, who contaminate their pure blood with noxious re- 
cipes — who impiously sacrifice the best gifts of Heaven, to a 
preposterous and mistaken vanity ! Ere long I shall not be sur- 
prised to see them scarring their faces like the negroes of Congo, 
flattening their noses in imitation of the Hottentots, or, like the 
barbarians of Ab-al Timar, distorting their lips and ears out of 
all natural dimensions. Since I received this information, I can- 
not contemplate a fine figure without thinking of a vinegar 
cruet ; nor look at a dashing belle without fancying her a pot 
of pickled cucumbers ! What a difference, my friend, between 
these shades and the plump beauties of Tripoli — what a con- 
trast between an infidel fair one and my favorite wife, Fatima, 
whom I bought by the hundred weight, and had trundled home 
in a wheel-barrow ! 

But enough for the present; I am promised a faithful account 
of the arcana of a lady's toilette — a complete initiation into 
the arts, mysteries, spells, and potions ; in short, the whole 
chemical process by which she reduces herself down to the most 



HOME THOUGHTS. 367 

fashionable standard of insignificance : together with specimens 
of the strait-waistcoats, the lacings, the bandages, and the 
various ingenious instruments with which she puts nature to the 
rack, and tortures herself into a proper figure to be admired. 

Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! The echoes that 
repeat to a lover's ear the song of his mistress, are not more 
soothing than tidings from those we love. Let thy answer to 
my letters be speedy ; and never, I pray thee, for a moment, 
cease to watch over the prosperity of my house, and the welfare 
of my beloved wives. Let them want for nothing, my friend ; 
but feed them plentifully on honey, boiled rice, and water-gruel ; 
so that when I return to the blessed land of my fathers, if that 
can ever be ! I may find them improved in size and loveliness, 
and sleek as the graceful elephants that range the green valley 
of Abimar. 

Ever thine, 

Mustapha 



368 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XIX.— THUKSDAY, DEC. 31, 1807. 

FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

HAYING returned to town, and once more formally taken 
possession of my elbow-chair, it behooves me to discard 
the rural feelings, and the rural sentiments, in which I have for 
some time past indulged, and devote myself more exclusively to 
the edification of the town. As I feel at this moment a chival- 
ric spark of gallantry playing around my heart, and one of those 
dulcet emotions of cordiality, which an old bachelor will some- 
times entertain toward the divine sex, I am determined to gra- 
tify the sentiment for once, and devote this number exclusively 
to the ladies. I would not, however, have our fair readers 
imagine that we wish to flatter ourselves into their good graces, 
devoutly as we adore them ! — and what true cavalier does not ? 
— and heartily as we desire to flourish in the mild sunshine of 
their smiles, yet we scorn to insinuate ourselves into their favor; 
unless it be as honest friends, sincere well-wishers, and dis- 
interested advisers. If in the course of this number they find 
us rather prodigal of our encomiums, they will have the modesty 
to ascribe it to the excess of their own merits ; if they find us 
extremely indulgent to their faults, they will impute it rather to 
the superabundance of our good nature, than to any servile and 
illiberal fear of giving offence. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA. 369 

The following letter of Mustapha falls in exactly with the 
current of my purpose. As I have before mentioned that his 
letters are without dates, we were obliged to give them very 
irregularly, without any regard to chronological order. 

The present one appears to have been written not long after 
his arrival, and antecedent to several already published. It is 
more in the familiar and coloquial style than the others. Will 
Wizard declares he has translated it with fidelity, excepting 
that he has omitted several remarks on the waltz, which the 
honest Mussulman eulogizes with great enthusiasm ; comparing 
it to certain voluptuous dances of the seraglio. Will regretted 
exceedingly, that the indelicacy of several of these observations 
compelled their total exclusion, as he wishes to give all possible 
encouragement to this popular and amiable exhibition. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KHAN", 

TO MTTLEY HELIM AL RAGGI, STTENAMED THE AGEEEABLE EAGAMUF- 
FIN, CHIEF MOUNTEBANK AND BUFFA-DANCEE TO HIS HIGHNESS. 

THE numerous letters which I have written to our friend 
the slave-driver, as well as those to thy kinsman the 
snorer, and which, doubtless, were read to thee, honest Muley, 
have, in all probability, awakened thy curiosity to know further 
particulars concerning the manners of the barbarians, who hold 
me in such ignominious captivity. I was lately at one of their 
public ceremonies, which, at first, perplexed me exceedingly as 
to its object ; but as the explanations of a friend have let me 
somewhat into the secret, and as it seems to bear no small 

16* 



370 SALMAGUNDI. 

analogy to thy profession, a description of it may contribute to 
thy amusement, if not to thy instruction. 

A few days since, just as I had finished my coffee, and was 
perfuming my whiskers, preparatory to a morning walk, I was 
waited upon by an inhabitant of this place, a gay young 
infidel, who has of late cultivated my acquaintance. He pre- 
sented me with a square bit of painted pasteboard, which, he 
informed me, would entitle me to admittance to the City Assem- 
bly. Curious to know the meaning of a phrase, which was 
entirely new to me, I requested an explanation; when my friend 
informed me, that the assembly was a numerous concourse of 
youug people of both sexes, who, on certain occasions, gathered 
together to dance about a large room with violent gesticulation, 
and try to out-dress each other. '" In short," said he, "if you 
wish to see the natives in all their glory, there's no place like 
the City Assembly ; so you must go there, and sport your whis- 
kers." Though the matter of sporting my whiskers, was con- 
siderably above my apprehension, yet I now began, as I thought, 
to understand him. I had heard of the war dances of the 
natives, which are a kind of religious institution, and had little 
doubt but that this must be a solemnity of the kind — upon a 
prodigious great scale. Anxious as I am to contemplate these 
strange people in every situation, I willingly acceded to his pro- 
posal, and to be the more at ease, I determined to lay aside my 
Turkish dress, and appear in plain garments of the fashion of 
this country, as is my custom whenever I wish to mingle in a 
crowd without exciting the attention of the gaping multitude. 

It was long after the shades of night had fallen before my 
friend appeared to conduct me to the assembly. "These infi- 
dels," thought I, " shroud themselves in mystery, and seek the 
aid of gloom and darkness, to heighten the solemnity of their 



THE CITY ASSEMBLY. 371 

pious orgies." Resolving to conduct myself with that decent 
respect, which every stranger owes to the customs of the land in 
which he sojourns, I chastised my features into an expression of 
sober reverence, and stretched my face into a degree of longi- 
tude suitable to the ceremony I was about to witness. Spite of 
myself, I felt an emotion of awe stealing over my senses as I 
approached the majestic pile. My imagination pictured some- 
thing similar to a descent into the cave of Dom-Daniel, where 
the necromancers of the East are taught their infernal arts. I 
entered with the same gravity of demeanor that I would have 
approached the holy temple at Mecca, and bowed my head three 
times as I passed the threshold. " Head of the mighty Am- 
rou !" thought I, on being ushered into a splendid saloon, 
" what a display is here ! surely I am transported to the man- 
sions of the Houris, the elysium of the faithful !" — How tame 
appeared all the descriptions of enchanted palaces in our Ara- 
bian poetry ! — wherever I turned my eyes, the quick glances of 
beauty dazzled my vision and ravished my heart ; lovely virgins 
fluttered by me, darting imperial looks of conquest, or beam- 
ing such smiles of invitation, as did Gabriel when he beckoned 
our holy prophet to Heaven. Shall I own the weakness of thy 
friend, good Muley ? — while thus gazing on the enchanted scene 
before me, I, for a moment, forgot my country; and even the 
memory of my three-and-twenty wives faded from my heart ; 
my thoughts were bewildered and led astray by the charms of 
these bewitching savages, and I sunk, for a while, into that deli- 
cious state of mind, where the senses, all enchanted, and all 
striving for mastery, produce an endless variety of tumultuous, 
yet pleasing emotions. Oh, Muley, never shall I again wonder 
that an infidel should prove a recreant to the single solitary wife 
allotted him, when, even thy friend, armed with all 'the precepts 



372 SALMAGUNDI. 

of Mahomet, can so easily prove faithless to three-anu- 
twenty. 

" Whither have you led me ?" said I, at length, to my com- 
panion, " and to whom do these beautiful creatures belong ? 
Certainly this must be the seraglio of the grand bashaw of the 
city, and a most happy bashaw must he be, to possess trea- 
sures which even his highness of Tripoli cannot parallel." " Have 
a care," cried my companion, " how you talk about seraglios, or 
you'll have all these gentle nymphs about your ears ; for serag- 
lio is a word which, beyond all others, they abhor — most of 
them," continued he, " have no lord and master, but come here 
to catch one — they're in the market, as we term it." " Ah, 
hah !" said I, exultingly, " then you really have a fair, or slave- 
market, such as we have in the East, where the faithful are pro- 
vided with the choicest virgins of Georgia and Circassia ? — by 
our glorious sun of Afric, but I should like to select some ten or 
a dozen wives from so lovely an assemblage ! Pray, what 
would you suppose they might be bought for ?" 

Before I could receive an answer, my attention was attracted 
by two or three good-looking middle-sized men, who being 
dressed in black, a color universally worn in this country by 
the muftis and dervises, I immediately concluded to be high- 
priests, and was confirmed in my original opinion that this was 
a religious ceremony. These reverend personages are entitled 
managers, and enjoyed unlimited authority in the assemblies, 
being armed with swords, with which, I am told, they would 
infallibly put any lady to death, who infringed the laws of the 
temple. They walked round the room with great solemnity, 
and, with an air of profound importance and mystery, put a 
little piece of folded paper in each fair hand, which I concluded 
were religious talismans. One of them dropped on the floor, 



MYSTERIOUS PROCEEDINGS. 373 

whereupon I slily put my foot on it, and, watching an opportu- 
nity, picked it up unobserved, and found it to contain some 
unintelligible words and the mystic number 9. What were its 
virtues I know not ; except that I put it in my pocket, and 
have hitherto been preserved from my fit of the lumbago, which 
I generally have about this season of the year, ever since I 
tumbled into the well of Zim-zim on my pilgrimage to Mecca. 
I iaclose it to thee in this letter, presuming it to be particularly 
serviceable against the dangers of thy profession. 

Shortly after the distribution of these talismans, one of the 
high-priests stalked into the middle of the room with great 
majesty, and clapped his hands three times ; a loud explosion 
of music succeeded from a number of black, yellow, and white 
musicians, perched in a kind of cage over the grand entrance. 
The company were thereupon thrown into great confusion and 
apparent consternation. They hurried to and fro about the 
room, and at length formed themselves into little groups of 
eight persons, half male and half females ; the music struck into 
something like harmony, and, in a moment, to my utter aston- 
ishment and dismay, they were all seized with what I concluded to 
be a paroxysm of religious phrenzy, tossing about their heads in a 
ludicrous style from side to side, and indulging in extravagant con- 
tortions of figure ; now throwing their heels into the air, and 
anon whirling round with the velocity of the eastern idolaters, 
who think they pay a grateful homage to the sun by imitating 
his motions. I expected every moment to see them fall down 
in convulsions, foam at the mouth, and shriek with fancied 
inspiration. As usual, the females seemed most fervent in their 
religious exercises, and performed them with a melancholy 
expression of feature that was peculiarly touching ; but I was 
highly gratified by the exemplary conduct of several male devo- 



374: SALMAGUNDI. 

tees, who, though their gesticulations would intimate a wild 
merriment of the feelings, maintained throughout as inflexible a 
gravity of countenance as so many monkeys of the island of 
Borneo at their anticks. 

" And pray," said I, " who is the divinity that presides in this 
splendid mosque ?" — " The divinity ! — oh, I understand — you 
mean the belle of the evening ; we have a new one every season ; 
the one at present in fashion, is that lady you see yonder, 
dressed in white, with pink ribbons, and a crowd of adorers 
around her." " Truly," cried I, " this is the pleasantest deity I 
have encountered in the whole course of my travels — so familiar, 
so condescending, and so merry withal ; why, her very worship- 
pers take her by the hand, and whisper in her ear." — " My 
good Mussulman," replied my friend, with great gravity, " I 
perceive you are completely in an error concerning the intent of 
this ceremony. You are now in a place of public amusement, 
not of public worship ; and the pretty looking young men you 
see making such violent and grotesque distortions, are merely 
indulging in our favorite amusement of dancing." " I cry your 
mercy," exclaimed I, " these then are the dancing men and 
women of the town, such as we have in our principal cities, who 
hire themselves out for the entertainment of the wealthy ; but, 
pray, who pays them for this fatiguing exhibition ?" My 
friend regarded me for a moment with an air of whimsical per- 
plexity, as if doubtful whether I was in jest or earnest. 
" Sblood, man," cried he, " these are some of our greatest peo- 
ple, our fashionables, who are merely dancing here for amuse- 
ment." Dancing for amusement ! think of that, Muley ! — thou, 
whose greatest pleasure is to chew opium, smoke tobacco, loll 
on a couch, and doze thyself into the regions of the Houris ! 
— Dancing for amusement ! — shall I never cease having occa- 



DANCING FOR AMUSEMENT. 375 

sion to laugh at the absurdities of these barbarians, who are 
laborious in their recreations, and indolent only in their hours of 
business ? Dancing for amusement ! — the very idea makes my 
bones ache, and I never think of it without being obliged to 
apply my handkerchief to my forehead, and fan myself into 
some degree of coolness. 

" And pray," said I, when my astonishment had a little sub- 
sided, " do these musicians also toil for amnsement, or are they 
confined to their cage, like birds, to sing for the gratification of 
others ? I should think the former was the case, from the ani- 
mation with which they flourish their elbows." " Not so," replied 
my friend, " they are well paid, which is no more than just, for 
I assure you they are the most important personages in the room. 
The fiddler puts the whole assembly in motion, and directs their 
movements, like the master of a puppet-show, who sets all his 
pasteboard gentry kicking by a jerk of his fingers. There now 
— look at that dapper little gentleman yonder, who appears to 
be suffering the pangs of dislocation in every limb : he is the 
most expert puppet in the room, and performs, not so much for 
his own amusement, as for that of the bystanders." Just then, 
the little gentleman, having finished one of his paroxysms of 
activity, seemed to be looking round for applause from the spec- 
tators. Feeling myself really much obliged to him for his exer- 
tions, I made him a low bow of thanks, but nobody followed my 
example, which I thought a singular instance of ingratitude. 

Thou wilt perceive, friend Muley, that the dancing of these 
barbarians is totally different from the science professed by thee 
in Tripoli ; the country, in fact, is afflicted by numerous epide- 
mical diseases, which travel from house to house, from city to 
city, with the regularity of a caravan. Among these, the most 
formidable is this dancing mania, which prevails chiefly through- 



376 SALMAGUNDI. 

out the winter. It at first seized on a few people of fashion, andl 
•being indulged in moderation, was a cheerful exercise ; but in a I 
little time, by quick advances, it infected all classes of the com- 
munity, and became a raging epidemic. The doctors imme- 
diately, as is their usual way, instead of devising a remedy, fell 
together by the ears, to decide whether it was native or im- 
ported, and the sticklers for the latter opinion traced it to a 
cargo of trumpery from France, as they had before hunted down 
the yellow fever to a bag of coffee from the West Indies. What 
makes this disease the more formidable is, that the patients 
seem infatuated with their malady, abandon themselves to its 
unbounded ravages, and expose their persons to wintry storms 
and midnight airs — more fatal, in this capricious climate, than 
the withering Simoom blast of the desert. 

I know not whether it is a sight most whimsical or melancholy 
to witness a fit of this dancing malady. The lady hops up to 
the gentleman, who stands at the distance of about three paces, 
and then capers back again to her place ; the gentleman, of 
course, does the same ; then they skip one way, then they jump 
another ; then they turn their backs to each other ; then they 
seize each other and shake hands ; then they whirl round, and 
throw themselves into a thousand grotesque and ridiculous atti- 
tudes — sometimes on one leg, sometimes on the other, and some- 
times on no leg at all — and this they call exhibiting the graces ! 
By the nineteen thousand capers of the great mountebank of 
Damascus, but these graces must be something like the crooked- 
back dwarf, Shabrac, who is sometimes permitted to amuse his 
highness by imitating the tricks of a monkey. These fits con- 
tinue at short intervals from four or five hours, till at last the 
lady is led off, faint, languid, exhausted, and panting, to her 
carriage ; rattles home ; passes a night of feverish restlessness, 



LITTLE OLD WOMAN. 377 

cold perspirations, and troubled sleep ; rises late next morning, 
if she rises at all, is nervous, petulant, or a prey to languid in- 
difference all day — a mere household spectre, neither giving nor 
receiving enjoyment — in the evening hurries to another dance ; 
receives an unnatural exhilaration from the lights, the music, 
the crowd, and the unmeaning bustle ; flutters, sparkles, and 
blooms for awhile until, the transient delirium being past, the 
infatuated maid droops and languishes into apathy again ; is 
again led off to her carriage, and the next morning rises to go 
through exactly the same joyless routine. 

And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear Raggi, these are 
rational beings — nay, more, their countrymen would fain per- 
suade me they have souls ! Is it not a thousand times to be 
lamented that beings, endowed with charms that might warm 
even the frigid heart of a dervise — with social and endearing 
powers that would render them the joy and pride of the harem 
— should surrender themselves to a habit of heartless dissipation, 
which preys imperceptibly on the roses of the cheek — which robs 
the eye of its lustre, the mouth of its dimpled smile, the spirits 
of their cheerful hilarity, and the limbs of their elastic vigor — 
which hurries them off in the spring-time of existence ; or, if 
they survive, yields to the arms of a youthful bridegroom a 
frame wrecked in the storms of dissipation, and struggling with 
premature infirmity. Alas, Muley ! may I not ascribe to this 
cause, the number of little old women I meet with in this 
country from the age of eighteen to eight-and-twenty. 

In sauntering down the room, my attention was attracted by 
a smoky painting, which, on nearer examination, I found con- 
sisted of two female figures crowning a bust with a wreath of 
laurel. "This, I suppose," cried I, "was some famous dancer 
in his time?" "Oh, no," replied my friend., "he was only a 



378 SALMAGUNDI. 

general." " Good ; but then he must have been great at a 
cotillon, or expert at a fiddlestick, or why is his memorial 
here V • " Quite the contrary," answered my companion, " his- 
tory makes no mention of his ever having flourished a fiddle- 
stick, or figured in a single dance. You have, no doubt, heard 
of him ; he was the illustrious Washington, the father and 
deliver of his country; and as our nation is remarkable for grati- 
tude to great men, it always does honor to their memory, by 
placing their monuments over the doors of taverns, or in the 
corners of dancing-rooms." 

From thence my friend and I strolled into a small apartment 
adjoining the grand saloon, where I beheld a number of grave- 
looking persons, with venerable grey heads, but without beards, 
which I thought very unbecoming, seated around a table, study- 
ing hieroglyphics. I approached them with reverence, as so 
many magi, or learned men, endeavoring to expound the mys- 
teries of Egyptian science. Several of them threw down money, 
which I supposed was a reward proposed for some great dis- 
covery, when presently one of them spread his hieroglyphics on 
the table, and exclaimed triumphantly, "Two bullets and a 
br agger 1" and swept all the money into his pocket. He has 
discovered a key to the hieroglyphics, thought I ; happy mor- 
tal ! no doubt his name will be immortalized. Willing, how- 
ever, to be satisfied, I looked round on my companion with 
an inquiring eye. He understood me, and informed me that 
these were a company of friends, who had met together to win 
each other's money, and be agreeable. " Is that all?" exclaimed 
I, " why, then, I pray you, make way, and let me escape from 
this temple of abominations, or who knows but these people, 
who meet together to toil, worry, and fatigue themselves to 
death, and give it the name of pleasure — and who win each 



THE WINTER CAMPAIGN. 379 

other's money by way of being agreeable — may some one of 
them take a liking to me, and pick my pocket, or break my 
head, in a paroxysm of hearty good-will I" 

Thy friend, 

MUSTAPHA. 



BY ANTHONY EYERGREEN, GENT. 

N'u/nc est Mbendum, nzmc pede libero 
Pulsanda tellus. Hob. 

"Now is the time for wine and myrthful sportes, 
For daunce, and song, and disportes of sych sortes." Link. Fid. 

THE winter campaign has opened. Fashion has summoned 
her numerous legions at the sound of trumpet, tamborine, 
and drum ; and all the harmonious minstrelsy of the orchestra, 
to hasten from the dull, silent, and insipid glades and groves, 
where they have vegetated during the summer, recovering from 
the ravages of the last winter's campaign. Our fair ones have 
hurried to town, eager to pay their devotions to the tutelary 
deity, and to make an offering at her shrine of the few pale and 
transient roses they gathered in their healthful retreat. The 
fiddler rosins his bow, the card-table devotee is shuffling her 
pack ; the young ladies are industriously spangling muslins, and 
the tea-party heroes are airing their chateaux bras and pea- 
blossom breeches, to prepare for figuring in the gay circle of 
smiles, and graces, and beauty. Now the fine lady forgets her 
country friends, in the hurry of fashionable engagements, or 
receives the simple intruder, who has foolishly accepted her 
thousand pressing invitations, with such politeness that the poor 
soul determines never to come again. Now the gay buck, who 



380 SALMAGUNDI. 

erst figured at Ballston, and quaffed the pure spring, exchanges 
the sparkling water for still more sparkling champagne, and 
deserts the nymph of the fountain, to enlist under the standard 
of jolly Bacchus, In short, now is the important time of the 
year in which to harangue the bon-ton reader, and, like some 
ancient hero in front of the battle, to spirit him up to deeds of 
noble daring, or still more noble suffering, in the ranks of 
fashionable warfare. 

Such, indeed, has been my intention, but the number of cases 
which have lately come before me, and the variety of complaints 
I have received from a crowd of honest and well-meaning cor- 
respondents, call for more immediate attention. A host of 
appeals, petitions, and letters of advice are now before me, and 
I believe the shortest way to satisfy my petitioners, memorialists, 
and advisers, will be to publish their letters, as I suspect the 
object of most of them is merely to get into print. 

to anthony evergreen, gent. 
Sir: 

As you appear to have taken to yourself the trouble of 
meddling in the concerns of the beau monde, I take the liberty 
of appealing to you on a subject which, though considered 
merely as a very good joke, has occasioned me great vexation 
and expense. You must know I pride myself on being very 
useful to the ladies — that is, I take boxes for them at the 
theatre, go shopping with them, supply them with bouquets, and 
furnish them with novels from the circulating library. In con- 
sequence of these attentions I am become a great favorite, and 
there is seldom a party going on in the city without my having 
an invitation. The grievance I have to mention, is the exchange 
of hats which takes place on these occasions — for, to speak my 



STEALING A HAT. 381 

mind freely, there are certain young gentlemen who seem to con- 
sider fashionable parties as mere places to barter old clothes : 
and, I am informed, that a number of them manage, by this 
great system of exchange, to keep their crowns decently covered 
without their hatter suffering in the least by it. 

It was but lately that I went to a private ball with a new 
hat, and on returning in the latter part of the evening, and ask- 
ing for it, the scoundrel of a servant, with a broad grin, in- 
formed me, that the new hats had been dealt out half an hour 
since, and they were then on the third quality ; and I was in 
the end obliged to borrow a young lady's beaver rather than go 
home with any of the ragged remnants that were left. 

Now, I would wish to know if there is no possibility of having 
these offenders punished by law ; and whether it would not be 
advisable for ladies to mention in their cards of invitation, as a 
postscript, " stealing of hats and shawls positively prohibited." 
At any rate, I would thank you, Mr. Evergreen, to discounte- 
nance the thing totally, by publishing in your paper that steal- 
ing a hat is no joke. Your humble servant, 

Walter Withers. 

My correspondent is informed, that the police have determined 
to take this matter into consideration, and have set apart Satur- 
day mornings for the cognizance of fashionable larcenies. 

Mr. Evergreen : 

Sir— Do you think a married woman may lawfully put her 
husband right in a story, before strangers, when she knows him 
to be in the wrong ; and can anything authorize a wife in the 
exclamation of — " Lord, my dear, how can you say so !" 

Margaret Timson. 



382 SALMAGUNDI. 

Dear Anthony : 

Going down Broadway this morning in a great hurry, I ran 
full against an object which at first put me to a prodigious non- 
plus. Observing it to be dressed in a man's hat, a cloth over- 
coat, and spatterdashes, I framed my apology accordingly, ex- 
claiming, " My dear sir, I ask ten thousand pardons — I assure you, 
sir, it was entirely accidental — pray excuse me, sir," etc. At 
every one of these excuses, the thing answered me with a down- 
right laugh ; at which I was not a little surprised, until, on resort- 
ing to my pocket-glass, I discovered that it was no other than 
my old acquaintance, Clarinda Trollop. I never was more cha- 
grined in my life ; for, being an old bachelor, I like to appear as 
young as possible, and am always boasting of the goodness of 
my eyes. I beg of you, Mr. Evergreen, if you have any feeling 
for your contemporaries, to discourage this hermaphrodite mode 
of dress ; for really, if the fashion take, we poor bachelors will 
be utterly at a loss to distinguish a woman from a man. Pray 
let me know your opinion, sir, whether a lady who wears a man's 
hat and spatterdashes before marriage, may not be apt to usurp 
some other article of his dress afterward. 

Your humble servant, 

Roderic Worry. 

Dear Mr. Evergreen : 

The other night, at Richard the Third, I sat behind three 
gentlemen who talked very loud on the subject of Richard's 
wooing Lady Ann directly in the face of his crimes against that 
lady. One of them declared such an unnatural scene would be 
hooted at in China. Pray, sir, was that Mr. Wizard ? 

Selina Badger. 

P S. The n-fintJeman T allude to had a Docket-glass, and wore 



a lady's architecture. 383 

his hair fastened behind by a tortoise-shell comb, with two teeth 
wanting. 

Mr. Evergrin : 

Sir — Being a little curious in the affairs of the toilette, I 
was much interested by the sage Mustapha's remarks, in your 
last number, concerning the art of manufacturing a modern fine 
lady. I would have you caution your fair readers, however, to 
be very careful in the management of their machinery, as a de- 
plorable accident happened, last assembly, in consequence of the 
architecture of a lady's figure not being sufficiently strong. In 
the middle of one of the cotillons, the company was suddenly 
alarmed by a tremendous crash at the lower end of the room ; 
and on crowding to the place, discovered that it was a fine figure 
which had unfortunately broken down from two great exertion 
in a pigeon wing. By great good luck I secured the corset, 
which I carried home in triumph ; and the next morning had it 
publicly dissected, and a lecture read on it at Surgeon's Hall. 
I have since commenced a dissertation on the subject, in which I 
shall treat of the superiority of those figures manufactured by 
steel, stay-tape, and whale-bone, to those formed by dame nature. 
I shall show clearly that the Yenus de Medicis has no preten- 
sion to beauty of form, as she never wore stays, and her waist is 
in exact proportion to the rest of her body. I shall inquire into 
the mysteries of compression, and how tight a figure can be 
laced without danger of fainting, and whether it would not 
be advisable for a lady, when dressing for a ball, to be attended 
by the family physician, as culprits are when tortured on the 
the rack, to know how much more nature will endure. I shall 
prove that ladies have discovered the secret of that notorious jug- 
gler, who offered to squeeze himself into a quart bottle ; and I 



38i SALMAGUNDI. 

shall demonstrate, to the satisfaction of every fashionable reader, 
that there is a certain degree of heroism in purchasing a prepos- 
terously slender waist at the expense of an old age of decrepi- 
tude and rheumatics. This dissertation shall be published, as 
soon as finished, and distributed gratis among boarding-school 
madams, and all worthy matrons who are ambitious that their 
daughters should sit straight, move like clock-work, and "do 
credit to their bringing up." In the mean time, I have hung up 
the skeleton of the corset in the museum beside a dissected wea- 
sel and a stuffed alligator, where it may be inspected by all 
those naturalists who are fond of studying the " human form 
divine." Yours, etc. 

Julian Cognous. 

P.S. By accurate calculation I find it is dangerous for a fine 
figure, when full dressed, to pronounce a word of more than 
three syllables. Fine Figure, if in love, may indulge in a gentle 
sigh ; but a sob is hazardous. Fine Figure may smile with 
safety, may even venture as far as a giggle ; but must never 
risk a loud laugh. Figure must never play the part of a confi- 
dante ; as at a tea-party, some fine evenings since, a young lady 
whose unparalleled impalpability of waist was the envy of the 
drawing-room, burst with an important secret, and had three 
ribs — of her corset ! — fractured on the spot. 

Mr. Evergreen : 

Sir — I am one of those industrious gemmen who labor hard 
to obtain currency in the fashionable world. I have went to 
great expense in little boots, short vests, and long breeches ; 
my coat is regularly imported, per stage, from Philadelphia, duly 
insured against all risks, and my boots are smuggled from Bond 



NOTORIETY. 385 

street. I have lounged in Broadway with one of the most 
crooked walking-sticks I could procure, and have sported a pair 
of salmon-colored small clothes, and flame-colored stockings, at 
every concert and ball to which I could purchase admission. 
Being affeared that I might possibly appear to less advantage as 
a pedestrian, in consequence of my being rather short and a lit- 
tle bandy, I have lately hired a tall horse with cropped ears and 
a cocked tail, on which I have joined the cavalcade of pretty 
gemmen, who exhibit bright stirrups every fine morning in 
Broadway, and take a canter of two miles per day, at the rate 
of three hundred dollars per annum. But, sir, all this expense 
has been laid out in vain, for I can scarcely get a partner at an 
assembly, or an invitation to a tea-party. Pray, sir, inform me 
what more I can do to acquire admission into the true stylish 
circles, and whether it would not be advisable to charter a cur- 
ricle for a month, and have my cipher put on it, as is done by 
certain dashers of my acquaintance. 

Yours to serve, 

Malvolio Dubster. 



TEA. 



A POEM 



PROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

And earnestly recommended to the attention of Maidens of a certain age. 

OLD time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth 
From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their youth ; 
Who, by constant attention and wily deceit, 
17 



386 SALMAGUNDI. 

Forever is coaxing some grace to retreat ; 

And, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach, 

The further indulged, will still further encroach. 

Since this " thief of the world" has made off with your bloom, 

And left you some score of stale years in its room — 

Has deprived you of all those gay dreams, that would dance 

In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance ; 

And has forced you almost to renounce, in despair, 

The hope of a husband's affection and care — 

Since such is the case, and a case rather hard ! 

Permit one who holds you in special regard, 

To furnish such hints in your loveless estate 

As may shelter your names from distraction and hate. 

Too often our maidens grow aged, I ween, 

Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen ; 

And at times, when annoy'd by the slights of mankind, 

Work off their resentment — by speaking their mind : 

Assemble together in snuff-taking clan, 

And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan. 

A convention of tattle — a tea-party hight, 

Which, like meeting of witches,, is brew'd up at night, 

Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of surprise, 

With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise ; 

Like the broomstick-whirl'd hags that appear in Macbeth, 

Each bearing some relic of venom or death, 

" To stir up the toil and to double the trouble, 

That fire may burn, and that chaldron may bubble." 

When the party commences, all starcVd and all glum, 
They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum : 
They will tell you of cambric, of ribbons, of lace, 
How cheap they were sold — and will name you the place. 



TEA A POEM. 387 

They discourse of their colds, and they he in and they cough, 

And complain of their servants to pass the time off ; 

Or list to the tale of some doating mamma, 

How her ten weeks old baby will laugh and say taa ! 

But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul — 
More loquacious by far than the draughts of the bowl, 
Soon unloosens the tongue and enlivens the mind, 
And enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind. 

'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the fount 
That flow'd near the far-famed Parnassian mount, 
While the steam was inhal'd of the sulphuric spring, 
Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing : — 
By its aid she pronounced the oracular will 
That Apollo commanded his sons to fulfill. 
But alas ! the sad vestal, performing the rite, 
Appeared like a demon — terrific to sight. 

E'en the priests of Apollo averted their eyes, 
And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries. 
But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, 
We return to the dames of the tea-pot once more. 

In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they roast, 
And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; 
Some gentle faux pas, or some female mistake, 
Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake ; 
A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust, 
It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first, 
With a little affected good-nature, and cry 
" Nobody regrets the thing deeper than I." 
Our young ladies nibble a good name in play 
As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away : 
While with shrugs and surmises, the toothless old dame, 



388 SALMAGUNDI. 

As she mumbles a crust she will mumble a name. 

And as the fell sisters astonished the Scot, 

In predicting of Banquo's descendants the lot, 

Making shadows of kings, amid flashes of light 

To appear in array and to frown in his sight, 

So they conjure up spectres all hideous in hue, 

Which, as shades of their neighbors, are passed in review. 

The wives of our cits of inferior degree, 
Will soak up repute in a little bohea ; 
The potion is vulgar, and vulgar the slang 
With which on their neighbors' defects they harangue ; 
But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong ! 
As our matrons are richer and rise to souchong. 
With hyson — a beverage that's still more refin'd, 
Our ladies of fashion enliven their mind, 
And by nods, innuendoes, and hints, and what not, 
Reputations and tea send together to pot, 
While madam in cambrics and laces array'd, 
With her plate and her liveries in splendid parade, 
Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup, 
Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. 
Ah me ! how I groan when with full swelling sail 
Wafted stately along by the favoring gale, 
A China ship proudly arrives in our bay, 
Displaying her streamers and blazing away. 
Oh ! more fell to our port, is the cargo she bears, 
Than grenadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : 
Each chest is a bombshell thrown into our town 
To shatter repute and bring character clown. 

Ye Samquas, ye Chinquas, ye Chouquas, so free, 
Who discharge on our coast your cursed quantums of tea, 



ORGIES OF TEA. 389 

Qh think, as ye waft the sad weed from your strand, 
Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our land. 
As the Upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it flies, 
Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may rise, 
So, wherever the leaves of your shrubs find their way, 
The social affections soon suffer decay : 
Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the heart, 
Till the blossoms of love and of friendship depart. 

Ah, ladies, and was it by heaven design'd, 
That ye should be merciful, loving and kind ? 
Did it form you like angels, and send you below 
To prophesy peace — to bid charity flow ? 
And have ye thus left your primeval estate, 
And wandered so widely — so strangely of late ? 
Alas ! the sad cause I too plainly can see — 
These evils have all come upon you through tea ! 
Cursed weed, that can make our faint spirits resign 
The character mild of their mission divine ; 
That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness true, 
Which from female to female forever is due ! 
Oh, how nice is the texture — how fragile the frame 
Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair fame ! 
'Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from the breath 
And shrinks from the touch as if pregnant with death. 
How often, how often, has innocence sigh'd ; 
Has beauty been reft of its honor — its pride ; 
Has virtue, though pure as an angel of light, 
Been painted as dark as a demon of night : 
All offer'd up victims, an auto defe, 
At the gloomy cabals — the dark orgies of tea ! 

If I, in the remnant that's left me of life, 



390 SALMAGUNDI. 

Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife, 
Let me fall, I implore, in the slang-whanger's claw, 
Where the evil is open, and subject to law. 
Not nibbled, and mumbled, and put to the rack, 
By the sly underminings of tea party clack : 
Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting, 
But spare me ! oh, spare me, a tea-table toasting 1 



A FAREWELL. 391 



NO. XX.— MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1808. 
FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

vum hunc rnihi concede laborem. 



Virg. 
" Soft you, a word or two before we^part." 

IN this season of festivity, when the gate of time swings open 
on its hinges, and an honest rosy-faced New Year comes 
waddling in, like a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded with good 
wishes, good humor, and minced pies — at this joyous era it has 
been the custom, from time immemorial, in this ancient and re- 
spectable city, for periodical writers, from reverend, grave, and 
potent essayists like ourselves, down to the humble but industri- 
ous editors of magazines, reviews, and newspapers, to tender their 
subscribers the compliments of the season ; and when they have 
slily thawed their hearts with a little of the sunshine of flattery, 
to conclude by delicately dunning them for their arrears of sub- 
scription money. In like manner the carriers of newspapers, 
who undoubtedly belong to the ancient and honorable order of 
literati, do regularly at the commencement of the year, salute 
their patrons with abundance of excellent advice, conveyed in 
exceedingly good poetry, for which the aforesaid good-natured 
patrons are well pleased to pay them exactly twenty-five cents. 
In walking the streets I am every day saluted with good wishes 
from old grey-headed negroes, whom I never recollect to have 



392 SALMAGUNDI. 

seen before ; and it was but a few clays ago, that I was called 
to receive the compliments of an ugly old woman, who last 
spring was employed by Mrs. Cockloft to whitewash my room 
and put things in order ; a phrase which, if rightly understood, 
means little else than huddling everything into holes and cor- 
ners, so that if I want to find any particular article, it is, in the 
language of a humble but expressive saying — "looking for a 
needle in a haystack." Not recognizing my visitor, I demanded 
by what authority she wished mea" Happy New Year!" Her 
claim was one of the weakest she could have urged, for I have an 
innate and mortal antipathy to this custom of putting things to 
rights ; so giving the old witch a pistareen, I desired her forth- 
with to mount her broomstick, and ride off as fast possible. 

Of all the various ranks of society, the bakers alone, to their 
immortal honor be it recorded, depart from this practice of 
making a market of congratulations; and, in addition to always 
allowing thirteen to the dozen, do witn great liberality, instead 
of drawing on the purses of their customers at the New Year, 
present them with divers large, fair, spiced cakes ; which, like 
the shield of Achilles, or an Egyptian obelisk, are adorned with 
figures of a variety of strange animals, that, in their conforma- 
tion, out-marvel all the wild wonders of nature. 

This honest grey-beard custom of setting apart a certain por- 
tion of this good-for-nothing existence for the purposes of cordi- 
ality, social merriment, and good-cheer, is one of the inestimable 
relics handed down to us'from our worthy Dutch ancestors. In • 
perusing one of the manuscripts from my worthy grandfather's 
mahogany chest of drawers, I find the new year was celebrated 
with great festivity during that golden age of our city, when the 
reins of government were held by the renowned Rip Yan Dam, 
who always did honor to the season by seeing out the old 



SANTA CLAUS. 393 

year ; a ceremony which consisted in plying tiis guests with 
bumpers, until not one of them was capable of seeing. " Truly," 
observes my grandfather, who was generally of these parties — 
" Truly, he was a most stately and magnificent burgomaster ! 
inasmuch, as he did right lustily carouse it with his friends about 
new-year ; roasting huge quantities of turkeys ; baking innu- 
merable minced pies ; and smacking the lips of all fair ladies the 
which he did meet, with such sturdy emphasis that the same 
might have been heard the distance of a stone's throw." In 
his days, according to my grandfather, first were invented these 
notable cakes, hight new-year-cookies, which originally were 
impressed on one side with the honest burly countenance of the 
illustrious Rip ; and on the other with that of the noted St. 
Meholas, vulgarly called Santa Claus, of all the saints of the 
calendar the most venerated by true Hollanders and their unso- 
phisticated descendants. These cakes are to this time given on 
the first of January to all visitors, together with a glass of 
cherry-bounce, or raspberry-brandy. It is with great regret, 
however, I observe that the simplicity of this venerable usage 
has been much violated by modern pretenders to style, and our 
respectable new-year-cookies and cherry-bounce elbowed aside 
by plum-cake and outlandish liqueurs, in the same way that our 
worthy old Dutch families are out-dazzled by modern upstarts 
and mushroom cockneys. 

In addition to this divine origin of new-year festivity, there is 
something exquisitely grateful, to a good-natured mind, in seeing 
every face dressed in smiles ; in hearing the oft-repeated saluta- 
tions that flow spontaneously from the heart to the lips ; in 
beholding the poor, for once, enjoying the smiles of plenty, and 
forgetting the cares which press hard upon them, in the jovial 
revelry of the feelings ; the young children, decked out in their 

17* 



394 SALMAGUNDI. 

Sunday clothes, and freed from their only cares, the cares of the 
school, tripping through the streets on errands of pleasure ; and 
even the very negroes, those holiday-loving rogues, gorgeously 
arrayed in cast-off finery, collected in juntos, at corners, dis- 
playing their white teeth, and making the welkin ring with 
bursts of laughter, loud enough to crack even the icy cheek of 
old winter. There is something so pleasant in all this, that I 
confess it would give me real pain, to behold the frigid influence 
of modern style cheating us of this jubilee of the heart ; and 
converting it, as it does every other article of social intercourse, 
into an idle and unmeaning ceremony. 'Tis the annual festival of 
good-humor ; it comes in the dead of winter, when nature is 
without a charm, when our pleasures are contracted to the fire- 
side, and when everything that unlocks the icy fetters of the 
heart, and sets the genial current flowing, should be cherished, 
as a stray lamb found in the wilderness ; or a flower blooming 
among thorns and briers. 

Animated by these sentiments, it is with peculiar satisfaction 
I perceived that the last new-year was kept with more than ordi- 
nary enthusiasm. It seemed as if the good old times had rolled 
back again, and brought with them all the honest, unceremoni- 
ous intercourse of those golden days, when people were more 
open and sincere, more moral and more hospitable than now ; 
when every object carried about it a charm which the hand of 
time has stolen away, or turned to a deformity ; when the 
women were more simple, more domestic, more lovely, and more 
true ; and when even the sun, like a hearty old blade as he is, 
shone with a genial lustre unknown in these degenerate days — 
in short, those fairy times when I was a madcap boy, crowding 
every enjoyment into the present moment ; making of the past 
an oblivion ; of the future a heaven ; and careless of all that 



COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. 395 

was " Over the hills and far away." Only one thing was want- 
ing to make every part of the celebration accord with its 
ancient simplicity. The ladies, who — I write it with the most 
piercing regret — are generally at the head of all domestic, inno- 
vations, most fastidiously refused that mark of good will, that 
chaste and holy salute which was so fashionable in the happy 
days of Governor Rip and the patriarchs. Even the Miss 
Cocklofts, who belong to a family that is the last intrenchment 
behind which the manners of the good old school have 
retired, made violent opposition ; and whenever a gentle- 
man entered the room, immediately put themselves in a posture 
of defence. This, Will Wizard, with his usual shrewdness, 
insists was only to give the visitor a hint that they expected an 
attack ; and declares he has uniformly observed, that the resis- 
tance of those ladies, who make the greatest noise and bustle, is 
most easily overcome. This sad innovation originated with my 
good aunt Charity, who was as arrant a tabby as ever wore 
whiskers ; and I am not a little afflicted to find that she has 
found so many followers, even among the young and beautiful. 

In compliance with an ancient and venerable custom, sanc- 
tioned by time and our ancestors, and more especially by my 
own inclinations, I will take this opportunity to salute my 
readers with as many good wishes as I can possible spare ; for, 
iii truth, I have been so prodigal of late, that I have but few 
remaining. I should have offered my congratulations sooner ; 
but, to be candid, having made the last new-year's campaign, 
according to custom, under Cousin Christopher, in which I have 
seen some pretty hard survice, my head has been somewhat out 
of order of late, and my intellects rather cloudy for clear writ- 
ing. Besides, I may allege as another reason, that I have 
deferred my greetings until this day, which is exactly one year 



396 SALMAGUNDI. 

since we introduced ourselves to the public ; and surely periodi- 
cal writers have the same right of dating from the commence- 
ment of their works, that monarchs have from the time of their 
coronation, or our most puissant republic from the declaration 
of its independence. 

These good wishes are warmed into more than usual benevo- 
lence by the thought that I am now, perhaps, addressing my 
old friends for the last time. That we should thus cut off our 
work in the very vigor of its existence, may excite some little 
matter of wonder in this enlightened community. Now, though 
we could give a variety of good reasons for so doing, yet it would 
be an ill-natured act to deprive the public of such an admirable 
opportunity to indulge in their favorite amusement of conjecture; 
so we generously leave them to flounder in the smooth ocean of 
glorious uncertainty. Besides, we have ever considered it as 
beneath persons of our dignity to account for our movements or 
caprices ; thank heaven, we are not like the unhappy rulers of 
this enlightened land, accountable to the mob for our actions, or 
dependent on their smiles for support! — this much, however, we 
will say, it is not for want of subjects that we stop our career. 
We are not in the situation of poor Alexander the Great, who 
wept, as well indeed he might, because there were no more 
worlds to conquer; for, to do justice to this queer, odd, rantipole 
city, and to this whimsical country, there is matter enough in 
them to keep our risible muscles and our pens going till dooms- 
day. 

Most people, in taking a farewell which may, perhaps, be for- 
ever, are anxious to part on good terms; and it is usual, on such 
melancholy occasions, for even enemies to shake hands, forget 
their previous quarrels, and bury all former animosities in part- 
ing regrets. Now, because most people do this, I am determined 



PARTING PHILANTHROPY. 397 

to act in quite a different way; for, as I have lived, so I should 
wish to die, in my own way, without imitating any person, what- 
ever maybe his rank, talents, or reputation. Besides, if I know 
our trio, we have no enmities to obliterate, no hatchet to bury ; 
and as to all injuries — those we have long since forgiven. At 
this moment there is not an individual in the world, not even the 
Pope himself, to whom we have any personal hostility. But if, 
shutting their eyes to the many striking proofs of good nature 
displayed through the whole course of this work, there should 
be any persons so singularly ridiculous as to take offence at our 
strictures, we heartily forgive their stupidity ; earnestly entreating 
them to desist from all manifestations of ill-humor, lest they 
should, peradventure, be classed under some one of the denomi- 
nations of recreants, we have felt it our duty to hold up to public 
ridicule. Even at this moment, we feel a glow of parting phi- 
lanthropy stealing upon us; a sentiment of cordial good will 
toward the numerous host of readers that have jogged on at 
our heels during the last year; and in justice to ourselves must 
seriously protest, that if at any time we have treated them a 
little ungently, it was purely in that spirit of hearty affection, 
with which a schoolmaster drubs an unlucky urchin, or a humane 
muleteer his recreant animal, at the very moment when his heart 
is brimful of loving kindness. If this is not considered an ample 
justification, so much the worse; for in that case I fear we shall 
remain forever unjustified — a most desperate extremity, and 
worthy of every man's commiseration! 

One circumstance, in particular, has tickled us mightily as we 
jogged along; and that is, the astonishing secrecy with which 
we have been able to carry on our lucubrations! fully aware of 
the profound sagacity of the public of Gotham, and their won- 
derful faculty of distinguishing a writer by his style, it is with 



398 SALMAGUNDI. 

great self-congratulation we find that suspicion has never pointed 
to us as the authors of Salmagundi. Our grey-beard specula- 
tions have been most bountifully attributed to sundry smart 
young gentlemen, who, for aught we know, have no beards at 
all; and we have often been highly amused, when they were 
charged with the sin of writing what their harmless minds never 
conceived; to see them affect all the blushing modesty and 
beautiful embarrassment of detected virgin authors. The pro- 
found and penetrating public, having so long been led away from 
truth and nature by a constant perusal of those delectable his- 
tories, and romances, from beyond seas, in which human nature 
is, for the most part, wickedly mangled and debauched, have 
never once imagined this work was a genuine and most authentic 
history; that the Cocklofts were a real family, dwelling in the 
city, paying scot and lot, entitled to the right of suffrage, 
and holding several respectable offices in the corporation. As 
little do they suspect that there is a knot of merry old bachelors 
seated snugly in the old-fashioned parlor of an old-fashioned 
Dutch house, with a weathercock on the top that came from 
Holland; who amuse themselves of an evening by laughing at 
their neighbors, in an honest way, and who manage to jog on 
through the streets of our ancient and venerable city, without 
elbowing or being elbowed by a living soul. 

When we first adopted the idea of discontinuing this work, we 
determined, in order to give the critics a fair opportunity for 
dissection, to declare ourselves, one and all, absolutely defunct; 
for it is one of the rare and invaluable privileges of a periodical 
writer, that by an act of innocent suicide he may lawfully con- 
sign himself to the grave, and cheat the world of posthumous 
renown. But we abandoned this scheme for many substantial 
reasons. In the first place, we care but little for the opinion of 



TO THE LADIES. 399 . 

critics, whom we consider a kind of freebooters in the republic of 
letters; who, like deer, goats, and divers other graminivorous 
animals, gain subsistence by gorging upon the buds and leaves of 
the young shrubs of the forest, thereby robbing them of their 
verdure, and retarding their progress to maturity. It also 
occurred to us, that though an author might lawfully, in all 
countries, kill himself outright ; yet this privilege did not extend 
to the raising himself from the dead, if he was ever so anxious; 
and all that is left him in such a case, is to take the benefit of 
the metempsvchosis act, and revive under a new name and 
form. 

Far be it, therefore, from us to condemn ourselves to useless 
embarrassments, should Ave ever be disposed to resume the guar- 
dianship of this learned city of Gotham, and finish this invaluable 
work, which is yet but half completed? We hereby openly and 
seriously declare, that we are not dead, but intend, if it please 
Providence, to live for many years to come, to enjoy life with 
the genuine relish of honest souls, careless of riches, honors, and 
everything but a good name, among good fellows, and with 
the full expectation of shuffling off the remnant of existence 
after the excellent fashion of that merry Grecian, who died 
laughing. 



TO THE LADIES. 

BY ANTHONY EVEEGEEEN, GENT. 

NEXT to our being a knot of independent old bachelors, 
there is nothing on which we pride ourselves more 
highly than upon possessing that true chivalric spirit of gallan- 



400 SALMAGUNDI. 

try, which distinguished the days of king Arthur, and his valiant 
knights of the Round-table. We cannot, therefore, leave the 
lists where we have so long been tilting at folly, with giving a 
farewell salutation to those noble dames and beauteous damsels 
who have honored us with their presence at the tourney. Like 
true knights, the only recompense we crave is the smile of 
beauty, and the approbation of those gentle fair ones, whose 
smile and whose approbation far excels all the trophies of honor, 
and all the rewards of successful ambition. True it is, that we 
have suffered infinite perils, in standing forth as their cham- 
pions, from the sly attacks of sundry arch caitiffs, who, in the 
overflowings of their malignity, have even accused us of enter- 
ing the lists as defenders of the very foibles and faults of the 
sex. Would that we could meet with these recreants hand to 
hand ; they should receive no more quarter than giants and 
enchanters in romance. 

Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, here is a glorious 
occasion to show our skill in refuting these illiberal insinuations ; 
■ — but there is something manly, and ingenuous, in making an 
honest confession of one's offences when about retiring from the 
world ; and so, without any more ado, we doff our helmets, 
and thus publicly plead guilty to the deadly sin of good nature ; 
hoping and expecting forgiveness from our good natured rea- 
ders — yet careless whether they bestow it or not. And in this 
we do but imitate sundry condemned criminals, who, finding 
themselves convicted of a capital crime, with great openness and 
candor, do generally in their last dying speech make a confes- 
sion of all their previous offences, which confession is always 
read with great delight by all true lovers of biography. 

Still, however, notwithstanding our notorious devotion to the 
gentle sex and our indulgent partiality, we have endeavored, on 



HOME, SWEET HOME. 401 

divers occasions, with all the polite and becoming delicacy of 
true respect, to reclaim them from many of those delusive follies 
and unseemly peccadilloes in which they are unhappily too prone 
to indulge. We have warned them against the sad consequences 
of encountering our midnight damps and withering wintry 
blasts ; we have endeavored, with pious hands, to snatch them 
from the wildering mazes of the waltz, and thus rescuing them 
from the arms of strangers, to restore them to the bosoms of 
their friends ; to preserve them from the nakedness, the famine, 
the cobweb muslins, the vinegar cruet, the corset, the stay-tape, 
the buckram, and all the other miseries and racks of a fine figure. 
But, above all, we have endeavored to lure them from the mazes 
of a dissipated world, where they wander about, careless of 
their value, until they lose their original worth ; and to restore 
them, before it is too late, to the sacred asylum of home, the soil 
most congenial to the opening blossom of female loveliness, 
where it blooms and expands in safety, in the fostering sunshine 
of maternal affection, and where its heavenly sweets are best 
known and appreciated. 

Modern philosophers may determine the proper destination of 
the sex ; they may assign to them an extensive and brilliant 
orbit, in which to revolve, to the delight of the million and the 
confusion of man's superior intellect ; but when on this subject 
we disclaim philosophy, and appeal to the higher tribunal of the 
heart — and what heart that had not lost its better feelings, 
would ever seek to repose its happiness on the bosom of one 
whose pleasures all lay without the threshold of home; who 
snatched enjoyment only in the whirlpool of dissipation, and 
amid the thoughtless and evanescent gaiety of a ball-room. 
The fair one who is forever in the career of amusement, may 
for a while dazzle, astonish, and entertain ; but we are content 



402 SALMAGUNDI. 

with coldly admiring, and fondly turn from glitter and noise, 
to seek the happy fire-side of social life, there to confide our 
dearest and best affections. 

Yet some there are, and we delight to mention them, who 
mingle freely with the world, unsullied by its contaminations ; 
whose brilliant minds, like the stars of the firmament, are 
destined to shed their light abroad and gladden every beholder 
with their radiance — to withhold them from the world would be 
doing it injustice — they are inestimable gems, which were never 
formed to be shut up in caskets, but to be the pride and ornament 
of elegant society. 

We have endeavored always to discriminate between a female 
of this superior order, and the thoughtless votary of pleasure, 
who, destitute of intellectual resources, is servilely dependent on 
others for every little pittance of enjoyment ; who exhibits her- 
self incessantly amid the noise, the giddy frolic, and capricious 
vanity of fashionable assemblages ; dissipating her languid 
affection on a crowd ; lavishing her ready smiles with indiscrimi- 
nate prodigality on the worthy, or the undeserving ; and listen- 
ing with equal vacancy of mind to the conversation of the en- 
lightened, the frivolity of the coxcomb, and the flourish of the 
fiddle- stick. 

There is a certain artificial polish — a common-place vivacity 
acquired by perpetually mingling in the beau monde, which, in 
the commerce of the world, supplies the place of natural suavity 
of good humor ; but is purchased at the expense of all original 
and sterling traits of character. By a kind of fashionable disci- 
pline, the eye is taught to brighten, the lip to smile, and the 
whole countenance to irradiate with the semblance of friendly 
welcome, while the bosom is unwarmed by a single spark of 
genuine kindness or good will. This elegant simulation may 



AN ALLEGORY. 403 

be admired by the connoisseur of human character, as a perfec- 
tion of art, but the heart is not to be deceived by the superficial 
illusion ; it turns with delight to the timid, retiring fair one, 
whose smile is the smile of nature ; whose blush is the soft suf- 
fusion of delicate sensibility ; and whose affections, unblighted 
by the chilling effects of dissipation, glow with all the tenderness 
and purity of artless youth. Hers is a singleness of mind, a na- 
tive innocence of manners, and a sweet timidity that steal in- 
sensibly upon the heart, and lead it a willing captive ; though 
venturing occasionally among the fairy haunts of pleasure, she 
shrinks from the broad glare of notoriety, and seems to seek 
refuge among her friends, even from the admiration of the 
world. 

These observations bring to mind a little allegory in one of 
the manuscripts of the sage Mustapha, which, being in some 
measure applicable to the subject of this essay, we transcribe for 
the benefit of our fair readers. 

Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, who people the 
vast tracts of Arabia Deserta, is a small tribe, remarkable for 
their habits of solitude and love of independence. They are of 
a rambling disposition, roving from waste to waste, slaking their 
thirst at such scanty pools as are found in those cheerless plains, 
and glory in the unenvied liberty they enjoy. A youthful Arab 
of this tribe, a simple son of nature, at length growing weary of 
his precarious and unsettled mode of life, determined to set out 
in search of some permanent abode. " I will seek," said he, 
11 some happy region, some generous clime, where the dews of 
heaven diffuse fertility ; I will find # out some unfailing stream, 
and, forsaking the jojless life of my forefathers, settle on its bor- 
ders, dispose my mind to gentle pleasures and tranquil enjoy- 
ments, and never wander more." 



404 SALMAGUNDI. 

Enchanted with this picture of pastoral felicity, he departed 
from the tents of his companions ; and having journeyed during 
five days, on the sixth, as the sun was just rising in all the splen- 
dors of the East, he lifted up his eyes and beheld extended be- 
fore him, in smiling luxuriance, the fertile regions of Arabia the 
Happy. Gently swelling hills, tufted with blooming groves, 
swept down into luxuriant vales, enamelled with flowers of never 
withering beauty. The sun, no longer darting his rays with tor- 
rid fervor, beamed with a genial warmth that gladdened and 
enriched the landscape. A pure and temperate serenity, an air 
of voluptuous repose, a smile of contented abundance, pervaded 
the face of nature, and every zephyr breathed a thousand deli- 
cious odors. The soul of the youthful wanderer expanded with 
delight — he raised his eyes to heaven, and almost mingled with 
his tribute of gratitude, a sigh of regret that he had lingered so 
long amid the sterile solitudes of the desert. 

With fond impatience he hastened to make choice of a stream 
where he might fix his habitation, and taste the promised sweets 
of this land of delight. But here commenced an unforeseen per- 
plexity ; for, though he beheld innumerable streams on every 
side, yet not one could he find which completely answered his 
high-raised expectations. One abounded with wild and pictur- 
esque beauty, but it was capricious and unsteady in its course ; 
sometimes dashing its angry billows against the rocks, and often 
raging and overflowing its banks. Another flowed smoothly 
along, without even a ripple or a murmur ; but its bottom was 
soft and muddy, and its current dull and sluggish. A third was 
pure and transparent, but its. waters were of a chilling coldness, 
and it had rocks and flints in its bosom, ^l fourth was dulcet 
in its tinklings, and graceful in its meanderings ; but it had 
a cloying sweetness that palled upon the taste ; while a fifth 



VOICE OF THE STREAM. 405 

possessed a sparkling vivacity, and a pungency of flavor, that 
deterred the wanderer from repeating his draught. 

The youthful Bedouin began to weary with fruitless trials and 
repeated disappointments, when his attention was suddenly at- 
tracted by a lively brook whose dancing waves glittered in the 
sunbeams, and whose prattling current communicated an air of 
bewitching gaiety to the surrounding landscape. The heart of 
the wayworn traveller beat with expectation ; but on regarding 
it attentively in its course, he found that it constantly avoided 
the embowering shade, loitering with equal fondness, whether 
gliding through the rich valley, or over the barren sand ; that 
the fragrant flower, the fruitful shrub, and the worthless bram- 
ble were alike fostered by its waves, and that its current was 
often interrupted by unprofitable weeds. With idle ambition it 
expanded itself beyond its proper bounds, and spread into a shal- 
low waste of water, destitute of beauty or utility, and babbling 
along with uninteresting vivacity and vapid turbulence. 

The wandering son of the desert turned away with a sigh of 
regret, and pitied a stream which, if content within its natural 
limits, might have been the pride of the valley, and the object of 
all his wishes. Pensive, musing, and disappointed, he slowly 
pursued his now almost hopeless pilgrimage, and had rambled 
for some time along the margin of a gentle rivulet, before he 
became sensible of its beauties. It was a simple pastoral stream, 
which, shunning the noonday glare, pursued its unobtrusive course 
through retired and tranquil vales ; now dimpling among" flowery 
banks and tufted shrubbery ; now winding among spicy groves, 
whose aromatic foliage fondly bent down to meet the limpid 
wave. Sometimes, but not often, it would venture from its covert 
to stray through a flowery meadow ; but quickly, as if fearful of 
being seen, stole back again into its more congenial shade, and 



406 SALMAGUNDI. 

there lingered with sweet delay. Wherever it bent its course, 
the face of nature brightened into smiles, and a perennial spring 
reigned upon its borders. The warblers of the woodland de- 
lighted to quit their recesses and carol among its bowers; while 
the turtle-dove, the timid fawn, the soft-eyed gazelle, and all the 
rural populace, who joy in the sequestered haunts of nature, 
resorted to its vicinity. Its pure transparent waters rolled over 
snow-white sands, and heaven itself was reflected in its tranquil 
bosom. 

The simple Arab threw himself upon its verdant margin; he 
tasted the silver tide, and it was like nectar to his lips ; *he 
bounded with transport, for he had found the object of his way- 
faring. "Here," cried he, " will I pitch my tent: here will I 
pass my days; for pure, fair stream, is thy gentle current ; 
beauteous are thy borders; and the grove must be a paradise 
that is refreshed by thy meanderings 1" 



Pendent opera mterrvpta. Virg. 

" The work's all aback." Link. Fid. 

ITTrOW hard it is," exclaims the divine Con-futse, better 
J 1_ known among the illiterate by the name of Con- 
fucius, " for a man to bite off his own nose!" At this moment I, 
William Wizard, Esq., feel the full force of this remark, and 
cannot but give vent to my tribulation at being obliged, through 
the whim of friend Langstaff, to stop short in my literary career, 
when at the very point of astonishing my country, and reaping 
the brightest laurels of literature. We daily hear of shipwrecks, 
of failures and bankruptcies; they are trifling mishaps which, from 



THE EMBARGO. 4:07 

their frequency, excite but little astonishment or sympathy; but 
it is not often that we hear of a man's letting immortality slip 
through his fingers; and when he does meet with such a mis- 
fortune, who would deny him the comfort of bewailing his 
calamity ? 

Next to embargo, laid upon our commerce, the greatest pub- 
lic annoyance is the embargo laid upon our work; in consequence 
of which, the produce of my wits, like that of my country, must 
remain at home ; and my ideas, like so many merchantmen in 
port, or redoubtable frigates in the Potomac, moulder away in 
the mud of my own brain. I know of few things in this world 
more annoying than to be interrupted in the middle of a favorite 
story, at the most interesting part, where one expects to shine ; 
or to have a conversation broken off just when you are about 
coming out, with a score of excellent jokes, not one of which but 
was good enough to make every fine figure in corsets literally 
split her sides with laughter. In some such predicament am I 
placed at present; and I do protest to you, my good-looking and 
well beloved readers, by the chop-sticks of the immortal Josh, I 
was on the very brink of treating you with a full broadside of 
the most ingenious and instructive essays that your precious 
noddles were ever bothered with. 

In the first place, I had, with infinite labor and pains, and by 
consulting the divine Plato, Sanconiathon, Apollonius Hhodius, 
Sir John Harrington, Noah Webster, Linkum Pidelius, and 
others, fully refuted all those wild theories respecting the first 
settlement of our venerable country; and proved, beyond con- 
tradiction, that America, so far from being, as the writers of 
upstart Europe denominate it, the new world, is at least as old 
as any country in existence, not excepting Egypt, China, or 
even the land of the Assiniboins; which, according to the tra- 



408 SALMAGUNDI. 

ditions of that ancient people, has already assisted at the fune- 
rals of thirteen suns, and four hundred and seventy thousand 
moons ! 

I had likewise written a long dissertation on certain hiero- 
glyphics discovered on these fragments of the moon, which have 
lately fallen, with singular propriety, in a neighboring State, 
and have thrown considerable light on the state of literature and 
the arts in that planet, showing that the universal language 
which prevails there is high Dutch ; thereby proving it to be the 
most ancient and original tongue, and corroborating the opinion 
of a celebrated poet, that it is the language in which the serpent 
tempted our grandmother Eve. 

To support the theatric department, I had several very judi- 
cious critiques, ready written, wherein no quarter was shown 
either to authors or actors; and I was only waiting to determine 
at what plays or performances they should be levelled. As to 
the grand spectacle of Cinderella, which is to be represented 
this season, I had given it a most unmerciful handling, showmg 
that it was neither tragedy, comedy, nor farce; that the inci- 
dents were highly improbable, that the prince played like a 
perfect harlequin, that the white mice were merely powdered for 
the occasion, and that the new moon had a most outrageous 
copper nose. 

But my most profound and erudite essay in embryo is an ana- 
lytical, hypercritical review of these Salmagundi lucubrations ; 
which I had written partly in revenge for the many waggish 
jokes played off against me by my confederates, and partly for 
the puqDOse of saving much invaluable labor to the Zoiluses and 
Dennises of the age, by detecting and exposing all the similari- 
ties, resemblances, synonymies, analogies, coincidences, etc., which 
occur in this work. 



OUR ORIGINALS. 409 

I hold it downright plagiarism for any author to write, or 
even to think, in the same manner with any other writer that 
either did, doth, or may exist. It is a sage maxim of law — 
" Ignorantia neminem excusat " — and the same has been extended 
to literature : so that if an author shall publish an idea that 
has been ever hinted by another, it shall be no exculpation for 
him to plead ignorance of the fact. All, therefore, that 1 had 
to do was to take a good pair of spectacles, or a magnifying 
glass, and with Salmagundi in hand and a tableful of books 
before me, to muse over them alternately, in a corner of Cock- 
loft library : carefully comparing and contrasting all odd ends 
and fragments of sentences. Little did honest Launce suspect, 
when he sat lounging and scribbling in his elbow-chair with no 
other stock to draw upon than his own brain, and no other 
authority to consult than the sage Linkum Fidelius — little did 
he think that his careless, unstudied effusions would receive such 
scrupulous investigation. 

By laborious researches, and patiently collating words, where 
sentences and ideas did not correspond, I have detected sundry 
sly disguises and metamorphoses of which, I'll be bound, Lang- 
staff himself is ignorant. Thus, for instance — the little man in 
black, is evidently no less a personage than old Goody Blake 
or Goody something, filched from the Spectator, who confessedly 
filched her from Otway's " wrinkled hag with age grown dou- 
ble ." My friend Launce has taken the honest old woman, 
dressed her up in the cast-off suit worn by T waits, in Lampedo, 
and endeavored to palm the imposture upon the enlightened 
inhabitants of Gotham. No further proof of the fact need be 
given, than that Goody Blake was taken for a witch, and the 
little man in black for a conjurer ; and that they both lived in 
villages, the inhabitants of which were distinguished by a most 

18 



410 SALMAGUNDI. 

respectful abhorrence of hobgoblins and broomsticks ; to be 
sure the astonishing similiarity ends here, but surely that is 
enough to prove that the little man in black is no other than 
Goody Blake in the disguise of a white witch. 

Thus, also, the sage Mustapha, in mistaking a brag-party for 
a convention of magi studying hieroglyphics, may pretend to 
originality of idea and to a familiar acquaintance with the 
black-letter literati of the East. But this Tripolitan trick will 
not pass here ; I refer those who wish to detect his larceny 
to one of those wholesale jumbles, or hodge-podge collections of 
science, which, like a tailor's pandemonium or a giblet-pie, are 
receptacles for scientific fragments of all sorts and sizes. The 
reader, learned in dictionary studies, will at once perceive I 
mean an encyclopedia. There, under the title of Magi, Egypt, 
Cards, of Hieroglyphics, I forget which, will be discovered an 
idea similar to that of Mustapha, as snugly concealed as truth 
at the bottom of a well, or the mistletoe amid the shady 
branches of an oak ; and it may at any time be drawn from its • 
lurking-place, by those hewers of wood and drawers of water, 
who labor in humbler walks of criticism. This is assuredly a 
most unpardonable error of the sage Mustapha, who had been 
the captain of a ketch ; and, of course, as your nautical men 
are for the most part very learned, ought to have known better. 
But this is not the only blunder of the grave Mussulman who 
swears by the head of Amrou, the beard of Barbarossa, and 
the sword of Khalid, as' glibly as our good Christian soldiers 
anathematize body and soul, or a sailor his eyes and odd limbs . 
Now I solemnly pledge myself to the world, that in all my tra- 
vels through the East, in Persia, Arabia, China, and Egypt, I 
never heard man, woman, or child, utter any of those preposte- 
rous and new-fangled asseverations; and that, so far from swear- 



LAST WOKDS. 411 

ing by any man's head, it is considered, throughout the East, 
the greatest insult that can be offered to either the living or 
dead to meddle in any shape even with his beard. These are 
but two or three specimens of the exposures I would have 
made ; but I should have descended still lower ; nor would 
have spared the most insignificant and, or but, or nevertheless, 
provided I could have found a ditto in the Spectator or the dic- 
tionary ; but all these minutiae I bequeath to the Lilliputian 
literati of this sagacious community, who are fond of hunting 
" such small deer/' and I earnestly pray they may find full 
employment for a twelvemonth to come. 

But the most outrageous plagiarisms of friend Launcelot, are 
those made on sundry living personages. Thus : Tom Straddle 
has been evidently stolen from a distinguished Brummagem emi- 
grant, since they both ride on horseback; Dabble, the, little 
great man, has his origin in a certain aspiring counsellor, who is 
rising in the world as rapidly as the heaviness of his head will 
permit ; mine uncle John will bear a tolerable comparison, par- 
ticularly as it respects the sterling qualities of his heart, with a 
worthy yeoman of Westchester County; and to deck out Aunt 
Charity, and the amiable Miss Cocklofts, he has rifled the 
charms of half the ancient vestals in the city. Nay, he has 
taken unpardonable liberties with my own person ! — elevating 
me on the substantial pedestals of a worthy gentleman from 
China, and tricking me out with claret coats, tight breeches, 
and silver-sprigged dickeys, in such sort that I can scarcely 
recognize my own resemblance; whereas I absolutely declare 
that I am an exceeding good-looking man, neither too tall nor 
too short, too old nor too young, with a person indifferently 
robust, a head rather inclining to be large, an easy swing in my 
walk ; and that I wear my own hair, neither queued, nor 



412 SALMAGUNDI. 

cropped, nor turned np, but in a fair, pendulous oscillating club, 
tied with a yard of nine-penny black ribbon. 

And now having said all that occurs to me on the present 
pathetic occasion-shaving made my speech, wrote my eulogy, 
and drawn my portrait, I bid my readers an affectionate fare- 
well ; exhorting them to live honestly and soberly — paying 
their taxes, and reverencing the state, the church, and the cor- 
poration — reading diligently the Bible and almanac, the news- 
paper and Salmagundi ; which is all the reading an honest citi- 
zen has occasion for — and eschewing all spirit of faction, discon- 
tent, irreligion, and criticism. 

Which is all at present 

From their departed friend, 

William Wizard. 



the END. 



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